Chapter 23. Touch me, have I become ugly?
As the moon rose high in the sky, the Imperial Guards in the courtyard retreated to the outside.
Pei Heng went to the east wing to change into clean clothes, and after confirming that there was no longer any blood on him, he stepped back into the main hall.
These days, he needs to stabilize the prefects and governors of various states and eradicate the power of the Consort's family. Now, having just won a victory on the border, how to settle the Liangzhou army and promote the soldiers who fought alongside him is another major concern on his mind.
As a child, he studied and recited poetry, hoping to become a benevolent and gentle ruler. However, he fought his way to the throne with a bloody battle, and even though he claimed to be purging corrupt officials from the court, he still faced considerable criticism from the people.
Big and small matters weighed on his mind, leaving him feeling confused and with nowhere to confide in.
The curtain was lifted, and in the inner room, the clear moonlight shone in from the window, creeping up the woman's bed and gently settling on her fingertips and resting beside her face.
Pei Heng felt as if he had stepped into a fairyland and seen a transcendent fairy.
He took a deep breath, his gaze uncontrollably falling on her slender, fair fingertips, tracing the outline of her arm along the protruding knuckles of her wrist exposed outside her sleeve, and then climbing up to her chest, which rose and fell with her breath.
Pei Heng lowered his eyes and awkwardly looked away.
He was already nineteen years old and had served in the army for several years. Although he did not have a comprehensive understanding of matters between men and women, he had a vague understanding that sneaking into a woman's boudoir at night was not the behavior of a gentleman.
But he just wanted to see her.
When his mind was in turmoil, when he was in the heat of battle, when he saw the emperor die at his hands, and when he felt a mixture of pleasure and sorrow, he longed to see her very, very much.
Pei Heng gently walked to her bedside, sat on the edge of the bed, and quietly looked at her soft facial features by the moonlight. She was like a gardenia blooming in the moonlight, fresh and pure, and beautiful enough to make one's heart flutter.
While on the battlefield, his soldiers were mostly thinking of their parents, wives, and children, but he was thinking of a "sister" who was not related to him by blood.
He never called her "sister".
He felt that everything Yuezhi had done for him, her companionship and care over the past ten years, could not be simply accepted as her younger brother.
He wanted to give her better and more things; whatever she wanted, he would find it for her no matter where she was.
Whenever he thinks of her, he is no longer a "general" or "prince," but as if he has returned to that winter, comfortably nestled beside her, knowing that she will not leave him, and his heart is no longer filled with worry and restlessness.
She slept peacefully, her body emanating a faint medicinal fragrance. She had drunk the bitter medicine brewed by the imperial physician after waking from her coma before falling asleep again.
Inhaling her unique scent in the air, and gazing at her soft curves hidden beneath the covers, Pei Heng's heart skipped a beat. He even fantasized about lifting the covers and lying inside her, sleeping in her arms like when he was a child…
He cleared his throat and turned to look at the ground.
Yuezhi was in a daze all day, dizzy and waking up, waking up and falling asleep again.
Since her eyesight deteriorated, her hearing has become much more sensitive. When she hears another breathing sound in her sleep, she thinks she is in prison and wonders who is visiting her. She wakes up reflexively.
She opened her eyes to find a tall figure sitting beside her. In the moonlight, she could only vaguely make out the figure, barely distinguishing between dream and reality.
"Pei Heng?" she called softly.
The young man sitting on the edge of the bed heard the sound and immediately turned his face. When he saw her watery eyes fluttering under her long eyelashes, his heart trembled again.
“I’m here.” He swallowed hard. “I just wanted to check on you, I didn’t mean to wake you… Would you like some water?”
Yuezhi shook her head, raised her hand and placed it on his wrist. She noticed that the cuff was a little too short and frowned, "You've only been gone a short time, and you've already grown quite a bit taller."
Unfortunately, she couldn't see and couldn't personally make him new clothes.
Hearing the familiar concern, Pei Heng's tense and excited heart slowly calmed down, and his whole body relaxed. He then acted coquettishly towards her as usual.
"I've been away for over seven months, and now that I'm sitting in front of you, you only look at my clothes and don't even look at me as a person?"
Yuezhi was amused by him, "I'd like to see you in person, but where can I find you now?"
As she finished speaking, her wrist was grasped by a large hand through her sleeve, which guided her hand upwards. Warm breath came down, and a sharp-featured jaw rested in her palm.
"Feel it, have I become ugly?" he gently guided.
Her slightly cool hand gradually warmed up under his support. Yuezhi unconsciously held her breath, pulled her other hand out from under the covers, and stroked along the contours of his profile, from his delicate cheekbones to his high nose bridge, deep eye sockets, prominent brow bones, all the way to his brow.
Even if she couldn't see it, she could piece together what a handsome face that had grown up to be from her past memories.
Hands, which hadn't been in contact with people for a long time, regained normal sensation during this brief game. The body, which had been frightened by blindness, gradually relaxed.
“You were born with good looks. When you were still living in Wangshan Village, everyone praised you as the most handsome young man in the surrounding area. Now you are getting more and more handsome.”
Enchanted by the warmth of her palm, Pei Heng lingered, unwilling to let go of her. He leaned over her, supporting himself with one hand beside her, and spoke to her.
"If you want to see me in the future, then look at me like this."
"It's late at night and no one's watching. It's fine to joke around with you for a bit, but it can't always be like this. Hua Qing always says you're smart and proper, and that you set a good example. Don't corrupt her."
"She would never learn from me; she's clearly closer to you."
“We’ve been together for many years. I treat you all like my younger siblings and I’m equally close to you. I’ve never shown favoritism to anyone.”
Pei Heng didn't know why she thought he was jealous of Hua Qing. He suppressed a laugh, looked down at her clear and bright eyes, his throat gradually warmed, and he unconsciously pursed his lips.
"Yuezhi, I've been promoted and will soon be transferred to the capital. Come with me."
Yuezhi blinked blankly, seemingly deep in thought, then turned her head away hesitantly and said, "My eyes are damaged, and it's inconvenient for me to move around. Going to the capital with you would probably cause you a lot of trouble. Besides, the house I bought and the land and houses that the Marquis of Jing'an bestowed upon you are both in Yanjing, which is a considerable amount of property. We can't just throw them away like that."
Pei Heng felt a lump in his throat as he listened to her.
“Hua Qing and Brother Wang are engaged. Now that you’re back and I’m out of prison, their wedding can’t be delayed any longer. If we both leave, Hua Qing will have no family in Yanjing after the wedding.”
Yuezhi thought that since she had money, she could buy a maid to take care of her daily life.
If she goes to the capital with Pei Heng, firstly, he is a high-ranking official and busy with affairs, so how could he take care of her? Secondly, officials' wives need to socialize, and regardless of their background, the fact that she is blind will become the subject of gossip.
I can't help him, and I'll only cause him trouble, so it's better if I don't go.
Pei Heng remained silent for a long while before asking, "Don't you miss your godmother and sworn brother? They might still be waiting for you to come back."
In the first two years after arriving in the North, Yuezhi missed them very much, but gradually, the daily grind of life left her with no time to think about people and things so far away.
"So many years have passed. My sworn brother must have married and had children long ago, and my godmother must have a house full of children and grandchildren... I am blind, and I cannot go back to fulfill my filial duties to my godmother. Why should I cause them unnecessary sadness?"
"What about me?" Pei Heng could barely contain his grievances. "You think of Hua Qing, your godmother, and your sworn brother, but don't you think of me?"
Yuezhi was puzzled: She did think about it, wasn't he the first person she considered?
She felt a little dizzy after lying in bed for a while, so she pulled her hand away from his and sat up, supporting herself on the bed, to sit facing him.
"Pei Heng, are you angry with me?"
Pei Heng turned his face away. "I'm not angry... If I insist on taking you away, will you be angry with me?"
Yuezhi was speechless, puzzled: "Why do you insist on taking me with you? Do you want me to find you a suitable match and make me a spinster in your family for the rest of my life?"
As he spoke, he started laughing at himself.
She's already twenty-five this year, and because of a promise he made when she was young, she hasn't met a man she likes yet. Now that her eyesight has deteriorated, it will be even harder for her to get married.
"Seeing you achieve great success and have a happy marriage with Hua Qing, I am already content. From now on, just let me stay here peacefully."
Not being a burden to them is also a way to preserve one's own dignity.
"No." The young man's firm refusal made her heart tighten. She was about to explain further when he cut her off.
“I’m going to take you with me. If you don’t agree, I’ll tie you up and take you away, even if you’re angry with me and ignore me, I’ll still do it.”
His voice was deep, with an unusual stubbornness in it, which made Yuezhi unsure whether he was just saying it out of anger or if he really meant it.
“Pei Heng…” She reached out to touch him, but only brushed against the hem of his clothes as he stood up.
"I'm going back to sleep. You should get some rest too."
Pei Heng left with a single sentence, turning and departing, leaving her alone on the couch, gazing sadly at the night.
What's wrong with him? He came back from his trip to the capital and his temper has gotten much worse.
*
Pei Heng tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. He felt a nameless fire burning in his chest. Even though he knew she had such a mild and easygoing temperament, he still wanted to be chosen by her firmly.
As long as she was willing to go with him, everything would be fine, but she felt that her blindness was the biggest problem.
Pei Heng was angry that he couldn't cure her immediately, and angry that she considered him and Hua Qing to be on equal footing.
He was depressed all night, and when he woke up in the morning, countless things awaited him.
After going to the army to reward those who had rendered meritorious service, he took his confidants to the residence of the Marquis of Jing'an, where a grand funeral was being held and the coffin of the Marquis of Jing'an was placed in the courtyard.
Pei Heng stepped forward to offer incense. As he stood up, he glanced at the Lady Hou and Shen Xian, who were observing mourning rites nearby. One of them had her head bowed and looked down obediently, while the other glared at him with resentment.
Even with the repeated reminders from the Lady of the Marquis, Shen Xian still refused to lower her gaze. If it weren't for the numerous guests present, she would have already confronted Pei Heng and questioned him.
Why was it that only her father died after drinking the poisoned wine?
Why is it that the Liangzhou army, originally under the command of the former military commander, has now become Pei Heng's force and is under his command?
Why didn't the army send a single secret letter for nearly three months after her father's death, and only now have they sent back his body, which has already turned into bones!
Pei Heng's guards gestured for Shen Xian to put away her hateful gaze, but Pei Heng stopped them, and the three of them went to the back hall to talk things out.
"The Marquis of Jing'an was kind to me and has now passed away. It is only right and proper for me to take care of the Marquis's family."
"I will reward the Shen family with one hundred taels of gold, and grant the Shen family's son the right to inherit the title of Marquis of Jing'an upon reaching adulthood. I will also bestow upon the Marquis's wife the title of a second-rank noblewoman. As for the Shen family's daughter, I will bestow upon you the title of County Princess. If you have a beloved husband, I will arrange a marriage for you in the future."
All else aside, just the titles of a second-rank imperial consort and a third-rank county princess are such honors that even the wives and daughters of dukes and princes might not receive such favors.
Lady Hou knelt down to express her gratitude, saying, "Your Highness, I thank you for your reward. I will raise my children well and live up to your kindness."
Shen Xian, who was beside her, knelt down crying, but refused to kowtow.
Lady Hou hurriedly pulled her away, but Pei Heng was not angry. He said directly, "I see you are angry. I don't know why you resent me?"
"My father valued you so much that he even stopped loving me, his own daughter, just to appease you. It was my father who helped you regain your position as crown prince, yet you seized his military power and caused his death far from home!"
Before Pei Heng could even get angry at these words, the Lady Hou hurriedly got up and slapped her.
"I think you've lost your mind in grief. Your father died from poisoning, which was administered by an assassin sent by the Imperial Concubine's maternal family. What does it have to do with His Highness? Besides, swords and spears have no eyes on the battlefield. Countless soldiers have died in this battle. How many soldiers' families can be rewarded for their merits like you and me? His Highness has already shown great favor to our family. How can you treat His Highness so rudely? How can your father's spirit rest in peace in heaven!"
Shen Xian was stunned by her mother's beating. She covered her aching face and lowered her eyes to weep.
The soldiers who brought back the coffin had already told the Shen family the whole story of how Marquis Jing'an died, and now the Marquis's wife had told it to them again in person.
Pei Heng's gaze at Shen Xian still carried a hint of stubborn defiance—this woman was no good.
He looked at the Lady Hou and said, "Now that the Marquis of Jing'an has passed away and the heir is still a minor, I wonder what your plans are?"
"I am just a woman, all I know is raising children and managing household affairs. As for the Marquis's mansion, we still need His Highness's protection. What can we women in the inner quarters do?"
"Since that's the case, I see that Miss Chen has reached marriageable age. Why don't you come back to the capital with me, and I will personally arrange a marriage for her?"
Lady Hou thought to herself that His Highness had indeed treated the Shen family well.
She stayed in Yanjing to take care of her son, ensuring he grew up smoothly and inherited the title. Meanwhile, her daughter went to the capital to be personally married to the Crown Prince, thus expanding her son's network for the future. This arrangement was the best choice for the Shen family.
"But how can she, a woman, be alone out there?"
"You don't need to worry about that. As long as she is willing, I will grant her a mansion, and the palace will pay for all the wedding arrangements."
Lady Hou was filled with gratitude and pulled Shen Xian to kneel down to express her thanks. "Thank you, Your Highness, for taking such good care of my unworthy daughter. The Shen family will remember Your Highness's great kindness for generations to come."
Pei Heng's care was meticulous, and Shen Xian thought that she would be granted the title of county princess, and after entering the capital, she would have a mansion and a high-ranking husband. Her future was bright, much better than her younger brother who could only stay in Yanjing and suffer from the wind and snow.
Out of consideration for these "compensations," she lowered her head and kowtowed in gratitude.
Pei Heng looked at the mother and daughter with a cold gaze.
A relationship formed for mutual benefit will remain one of mutual benefit. If they know their place and appreciate God's grace, he will not blame them for this slight rudeness. If they are still ignorant in the future, he will not let it go so easily as he did today.
*
When the Marquis's family held a funeral, the city observed a three-day period of taboo.
Three days later, Huaqing got married.
Even though Pei Heng privately told her the truth, saying that if she returned to the capital with him, she could become a princess, Hua Qing remained unmoved.
She said, "I like this simple life, the daily necessities, self-reliance, without having to enjoy the riches on the clouds while fearing every day that I will fall down."
Hua Qing looked worriedly towards the main room and sincerely advised him, "Cousin, if you really care about my sister, then let her stay. Qiu Shi and I will take good care of her. Although the capital is prosperous, there are countless wolves and tigers. She is not in good health and her eyesight is damaged. How can she endure all that intrigue? How can you expect her to stay alone?"
Pei Heng insisted, "I will take care of her."
Hua Qing didn't believe it. "You are now the Crown Prince and will soon inherit the throne. As emperor, you must have the well-being of all people in your heart. How could you possibly devote yourself to taking care of a blind and weak person?"
Pei Heng lowered his eyes in shame: Although he was selfish, he had no concern for the people, only for Yue Zhi.
Neither sibling could persuade the other; they each held their own opinions and parted on bad terms.
Yuezhi was unaware of their conversation at night. On the wedding day, she listened to the joyful music, personally dressed Huaqing in her wedding gown, prepared five large chests of dowry for her, stuffed three hundred taels of silver into them as a final touch, and saw her off.
Because she was blind, she couldn't accompany Hua Qing to the bridal sedan chair. With Pei Heng's help, she could only stand outside the courtyard gate, listening to the matchmaker's calls and the wedding procession receding into the distance.
Life inevitably involves many partings.
She used to hope that warm and harmonious days could last forever, but now everyone around her has left, and when Pei Heng leaves too, she will be all alone again.
Before going to sleep, she drank a strong bowl of herbal soup. The old doctor who treated her told her to rest well, so he added a lot of calming and sleep-aiding herbs to the medicine.
After taking a bowl of medicine, he slept soundly until dawn.
When I woke up, I found the bed beneath me was shaking. After I was fully awake, I realized that I was in a carriage!
Yuezhi panicked. The memory of being tricked into the inner courtyard and drugged that day flooded back. She nervously touched her clothes and then groped around the carriage, trying to get off.
The carriage was spacious and much more luxurious than the one in the Marquis's mansion. The doors were double wooden doors, not simple cloth curtains. She patted the carriage door, but found that she couldn't open it, and shouted in a panic.
"Help! Someone, save me!"
Hearing the commotion, the young officer accompanying her bent down to comfort her, "Don't be afraid, young lady. We are General Pei's subordinates, and we are here with the general to escort you to the capital."
Yuezhi remembered hearing the boy's voice in her own courtyard, but she still couldn't calm down.
“I have no intention of going to the capital. My house and wealth are all in Yanjing. I don’t want to go to the capital. Please send me back.”
She had seen the old eunuchs in the palace who were unable to take care of themselves. Due to their physical disabilities, they could never leave the palace. Even if they had godsons to take care of them, they could not endure the long illness.
She didn't want Pei Heng to take her in just because he felt sorry for her, and she didn't want to stand in his way of success.
The young general was somewhat troubled. Seeing that she was agitated, he sent someone to the front to ask Pei Heng for a decision.
Before long, Pei Heng actually came over in person.
He stopped the carriage, got in, and looked at the flustered Yuezhi with a pained expression.
"I have already loaded all the clothes and valuable gold and silver items from home onto the carriage, and it will follow behind to take them to the capital. You don't need to worry about it anymore."
"How can you be so arbitrary?" Yuezhi was so angry she wanted to cry. "What good will it do you to take me to the capital? Do you think it will make you proud if people know you have a blind sister?"
She was fed up with being looked down upon and preferred to stay comfortably in a small town rather than step into the territory of the powerful and wealthy and be ridiculed again.
"You've really become a high-ranking official, you won't even listen to what I say anymore. If I could see, I would definitely beat you up." She sobbed in frustration, raising her sleeve to cover her face.
She cried so hard her face was streaked with tears, and Pei Heng's heart ached along with her. Seeing her red lips opening and closing, his own lips unconsciously parted slightly, and he let out an unbearable sigh.
He drew the curtains, leaned over, and pulled the person tightly into his arms.
The unease raging in every muscle of his body dissipated in this embrace. Pei Heng couldn't help but hug her tighter, pressing her back against his chest, and deeply inhaling the scent of gardenias in her hair.
His voice was deep: "Hit me all you want, even if you kill me, I won't let you leave."
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