Chapter 49.49 Makes Her Body Weak.
The stone steps behind the main hall of the Buddhist temple lead directly to the dense forest on the back mountain. On a cool spring night, the leaves rustle and the chirping of insects can be heard from near and far.
Yuezhi wasn't very physically fit, and in previous years when she was still healthy, she didn't like going up the mountain much. However, Pei Heng, after getting used to mountain life, would go into the mountains every few days, sometimes hunting wild animals, sometimes picking ripe wild fruits to add to the family's meals.
After many days of sadness and exhaustion, I found myself surprisingly calm as I strolled along the gentle slopes of the mountains and forests, listening to the quiet sounds of nature.
Hua Chun was supporting her, while Pei Heng stood on her other side, walking slightly ahead, always keeping an arm's length distance between them. This allowed her tense nerves to gradually relax as they strolled into the mountains.
He finally stopped doing anything out of line and saying anything inappropriate, and started talking about ordinary things.
"My fourth sister mentioned you in her secret letter to me. She was very happy to learn that you were pregnant. She said that she would send you some tiger-head shoes for the baby when she writes next time, and asked me to ask you what color you like."
Yuezhi thought for a moment: "Let's get some bright colors, red, yellow, and green, they all look good."
"Alright, I will write back to her. Speaking of which, did you like bright colors before? I used to see you wearing pink and blue, and the clothes you made for me were all clear blue."
“You should dress your child in festive and bright colors. I don’t look good in bright colors. As for you, you are well-behaved and intelligent in your youth, so you should wear fresh colors.”
Fireflies drifted down from the mountain like twinkling stars, their faint glow illuminating the delicate contours of her face. Her expression was calm and serene as she spoke, even her seemingly lifeless eyes were like a still pool of water, inviting one to delve deeper.
Unbeknownst to her, Pei Heng turned his head to the side and stared intently into her eyes, his expression gentle.
"I think my elder sister looks good in any color."
"...You look better in red."
Yuezhi didn't respond. She usually wore simple, light-colored clothes and rarely wore red. Even when Huaqing got married, she only wore the most vibrant color at the time, peach pink.
The only time I wore red was on my wedding day, but Pei Heng didn't come that day, so I didn't see him.
The second time was yesterday, during a prayer ceremony before the Buddha. She wore palace attire, and according to her maid, it was dark red, equivalent to the rank of a concubine in the palace…
Yuezhi seemed to realize what the color he had specifically chosen meant, and quickly changed the subject.
“You are the one who looks good in anything. You’ve been handsome since you were little. When the neighbors see your clothes, they all say that I have good tailoring skills. Actually, it’s because you are well-proportioned and handsome that the clothes look good on you.”
Pei Heng smiled knowingly, "I really miss those days."
"Though the past was good, your identity is special. You are a hidden dragon in the abyss, and you will eventually rise to the sky. You are not bad now either. You live a life of luxury, with many guards around you, and you are less likely to be in danger."
"But my elder sister isn't by my side, and I always feel like something is missing in my heart." There was a hint of unspoken longing in his words.
Yuezhi turned her head slightly, "What nonsense are you talking about? I'm right here beside you right now."
"Are you really there?"
Pei Heng stopped and turned around to look down at her. The figure of him standing on a higher step easily enveloped her delicate body.
"Is my sister thinking of me right now?"
His gaze followed her slightly flustered eyes, and he murmured to himself, "Since my elder sister won't say, it seems it wasn't me."
"Don't talk nonsense. How could I not be thinking about you when I'm talking to you?" Yuezhi puffed out her cheeks. When she heard his footsteps stop, she quickly stopped as well, afraid that if she walked too close, she would have physical contact with him. She felt helpless and a little angry.
She lowered her voice and muttered to him, "You're too petty, you have to care about such trivial things."
"How could I not care?" Pei Heng's eyes were filled with sorrow. "Although you often came to the palace to keep me company before, I could tell that you were hoping the sun would set quickly so you could go back to your residence to keep me company..."
Before he could utter those two words, Yuezhi stopped him, her expression resistant, "Aheng, can we not mention him?"
She had tried her best not to think about the person she had lost. For the sake of herself, her child, and her relationship with Pei Heng, if she heard those two words again, she would probably cry in front of him again and they would argue endlessly.
After being interrupted, Pei Heng realized that this was a time when the two of them were being intimate, and mentioning that person again would only ruin the atmosphere, so he held back and didn't get jealous.
"It was my slip of the tongue; I forgot he already... Never mind, never mind. Let me tell you something funny."
Yuezhi looked up. "What's fun?"
Pei Heng continued walking forward and chatted with her about the Cui family.
“An old minister from my father’s reign petitioned me to urge me to select a concubine, and he even listed more than a dozen young ladies for me to choose from, including the youngest daughter of the Cui family.”
"Cui Qingqing?" Yuezhi asked curiously. "Given her father's official rank, how did he manage to get her on the list?"
"It's not because of her father, but because her aunt was my maternal uncle's wife. Although my uncle and aunt have passed away, my mother is still alive. They wanted to use her to test my attitude towards my mother."
One in-law led to another, and in the end, it all came back to Empress Zhangsun. Yuezhi was tired of listening to it all. "There are so many twists and turns!"
"Your Majesty doesn't know much. There's not a single one on that list who's easy to deal with. There are daughters of imperial merchants, daughters of noble families, and many women who seem to have impeccable backgrounds, but their fathers and brothers all have overt or covert connections with former officials of the previous dynasty. They don't genuinely want to be my concubines; they're just sacrifices pushed out by their families. I'm not a deaf and blind Buddha; I certainly won't accept these sacrifices."
While preoccupied with the troubles of being schemed against, her tone became coquettish, devoid of any of the ruthlessness she usually displayed as emperor.
"My elder sister also advised me to choose a confidant to be by my side. If we really go to select a concubine, we will go to great lengths and spend a lot of money to do it. There will be many people involved, and in the end, only those they want me to see will be sent to me."
Yuezhi felt it was difficult just from hearing about it. Before it succeeded, she was surrounded by daring and arrogant brothers, but after it succeeded, she would have to face a court full of officials with ulterior motives.
People's hearts are unfathomable, and it's hard to find a trustworthy person. No wonder Pei Heng is all alone, yet he has such feelings for her.
"Choosing a bedmate is so difficult..."
"It's easy to handle. Just kill all those who harbor rebellious intentions, and the court and the country will be at peace."
"But then, who will do things for you?"
“My elder sister is intelligent and quick to understand. The key to being an emperor is deterrence and checks and balances. Everyone is urging me to select candidates, but I will not only refuse, but also use this matter to test the attitude of the court officials. I will take it slowly and eventually we will be able to remove all the people I don’t want, leaving only those who are beneficial and useful to me.”
Pei Heng smiled at her and talked about matters of the court, just like when he shared anecdotes about teachers and students in the private school and the joyous news of promotions in the army when they were young.
He could tell her his innermost thoughts, which he, as emperor, had to keep to himself, without any reservations.
Only when he was by her side, as her "Aheng," could he briefly escape the repression and restraint of being an emperor and be a truly living person for a while.
"Aheng, you're amazing!" Yuezhi exclaimed repeatedly. "I remember the late Emperor and the Crown Prince's tutor never taught you these things, and I don't know them either. You've only been on the throne for less than half a year, how come you already know them?"
Pei Heng smiled and said, "If I want to give my elder sister a stable and wealthy life, I naturally have to be smart. If I can't keep the throne, or if there is unrest in the court, I can't be the emperor. How can I protect you then?"
Even though Yuezhi couldn't see, she could almost see the gentle smile on his face as he spoke, just like before.
He is still her Aheng, changed yet unchanged.
Yuezhi couldn't quite explain it, but at that moment, when his sleeve brushed against hers, she didn't back down, but walked alongside him as usual.
The intense and profound rift between the two was slowly mended through their conversation, and their walking postures, which were originally half an arm's length apart, gradually overlapped.
The night was filled with fireflies, which Yuezhi couldn't see, so Pei Heng told her about them.
—The faint light was like the color of the eyes of the cloth fish she sewed for him shining in the darkness.
— Countless fireflies, like the Milky Way they watched together in the yard that summer, like all the stars falling from the sky.
—The light flickered, like the embers in a charcoal brazier in winter.
His description was so detailed, filled with scenes she vividly remembered, piecing together a nighttime firefly spectacle in her mind.
Yuezhi couldn't help but exclaim, "So beautiful!"
"Yes, she's really beautiful." Pei Heng gazed at her face, which was slightly illuminated by the fluorescent light, his eyes darkening slightly.
When he reached out, trying to ease her growing rejection of him with a few subtle touches...
With a muffled thud, the bushes not far away shook violently, as if some wild beast had suddenly burst out from the slope.
Pei Heng instantly became alert, instinctively facing the direction from which the unexpected event was coming, shielding Yue Zhi behind him, and shouted sharply, "Who?!"
The sounds of guards' footsteps and the drawing of their swords quickly came from all around.
A figure stumbled out of the bushes, dressed in rags, with disheveled hair and covered in grass and mud. Only his eyes were filled with pitiful pleading.
Changsun Xuanrong could not forget how she bent down and crawled into that narrow hole. The gravel scraped her arms and cheeks, and the mud covered her clothes, but she still struggled to climb out and stumbled down the mountain.
She was panting heavily, her body blocked by guards with swords raised, keeping her two zhang away from the emperor.
His gaze first fell in disbelief on the emperor's protective figure, then suddenly fixed on the woman he was protecting so tightly.
She could hardly recognize her grown-up son, but she recognized Yuezhi at a glance.
Ten years ago, she felt that this palace maid was seductive and knew how to please Heng'er, and was not a docile person.
Seeing the palace maid from back then now pampered and beautiful, radiant and charming, sitting in the inner chambers beside her own son, Changsun Xuanrong's eyes burned with jealousy and hatred.
"As expected... it really was you, you bitch!"
Ten years of "seclusion" brought her to the brink of mental collapse. When her own son became emperor, he came to the Buddhist temple where she was imprisoned, but instead of visiting her, he had time to take his favorite concubine sightseeing. Changsun Xuanrong went mad.
"A lowly palace maid, nothing more than a tea-serving toy for my son! I only spared you from the Eastern Palace because you were clever, but you've climbed the social ladder and become a favored concubine. What despicable means did you use to bewitch him? You made him forget even his own mother, the Empress Dowager, yet he still keeps you, this wretched woman!"
The words were vicious and vulgar, tearing open the memory of those trembling years that Yuezhi least wanted to recall.
Her face was pale, and she clenched her sleeves tightly with her fingers.
She wanted to defend herself, to say that she was not a "favored concubine," and that she had not bewitched him, but the fear she had felt for the Empress was still etched in her heart. She was afraid, and she couldn't bring herself to say it...
"Shut up!" Pei Heng abruptly interrupted Changsun Xuanrong's roar, his face ashen, his eyes cold and disappointed.
He stared at his mother, who had given him life but never shown him any warmth, only knowing how to control and exploit him. The last remaining thread of bond between mother and son was completely severed.
His voice wasn't loud, but it carried the unquestionable majesty of an emperor and a chilling aura: "I forbid you to insult her."
Pei Heng took a step forward, completely shielding Yue Zhi behind him, and said clearly, word by word, "I want to pamper her and keep her by my side, not because she bewitched me, but because I need her."
He never intended to see Changsun Xuanrong again.
They could still retain the affection of childhood when they didn't see each other, but now that they meet again, all they see is a cold and vicious woman.
"Ten years have passed since we last met, and you haven't even asked how I am. You show no regard for the bond between mother and son. You don't care about me at all. You only want to use me to achieve your ambitions and ensure the continued prosperity of the Changsun family."
"When you were punished and sent to this Baoguang Temple, did you ever think about whether your exiled son could survive in the north? Now, what face do you have to reprimand Yuezhi here? She took care of me, raised me, and cared about me. The throne? The world? Do you think I risked my life to climb to the throne to save you from your suffering?"
He gave a cold laugh, his voice lowered, and his tone carried a resolute determination that showed he had given everything.
"I did this for Yuezhi, hoping she would live a good life and no longer be implicated by my status as the deposed crown prince. I can live without the throne, without this empire, even without..."
The young man paused for a moment, without saying the word "you," but the meaning was clear.
"But I absolutely cannot live without her."
These words were like a thunderclap. Not only was Changsun Xuanrong shocked, but Yuezhi behind him also suddenly raised her head, her clear eyes filled with shock and indescribable emotion.
She had never heard Pei Heng speak in such a tone or say such things before.
Heavy, obsessive, yet... real and passionate.
A complex, warm current suddenly rushed into her heart, causing her heartbeat to become erratic.
Changsun Xuanrong seemed to have all her strength drained away, and she murmured in despair, "This is my good son, the son I've entrusted my whole life to, and this is how he treats me..."
She staggered back a step, her lips trembling, only heavy breathing and eyes filled with madness and despair remained.
"Even if I'm wrong, I'm still your mother. You shouldn't let them treat me coldly. Aren't you afraid the world will know you're unfilial!"
Pei Heng stopped looking at her; this wasn't the only unfilial thing he had done.
"You reap what you sow, Mother. This is all you deserve." He turned away indifferently and waved to the guards. "Take her away, gag her, and keep her under strict guard. No one is allowed to visit her without my order."
"Yes!" The guards unceremoniously lifted up the limp Changsun Xuanrong, gagged her, and dragged her away down the dark forest path.
As the figures disappeared into the distance, the surrounding noise and malice seemed to be swallowed up by the night, leaving only fireflies still dancing quietly.
Pei Heng stood still, his eyes slightly lowered.
Behind him, Yuezhi lowered her head, one hand pressed tightly against her chest—her heart was pounding.
She had no idea that Pei Heng viewed her this way.
His words, though domineering and unreasonable, were so intense that they warmed her with a long-lost feeling, and even stirred some secret, inappropriate stirrings in her heart.
She should have been afraid, resisted, and longed for her husband whose fate was unknown... but...
In the silence, only fireflies flicker, like someone's unspoken thoughts stirring within.
*
The chirping of insects ceased; the night was deep.
Yuezhi lay on the couch, tossing and turning, her mind in turmoil, as if a cat was scratching inside her, preventing her from calming down and making it impossible for her to fall asleep.
In the mountains and forests, Pei Heng's resolute words, as firm as a vow, echoed in her ears again and again.
"I did this for Yuezhi."
"I absolutely cannot live without her..."
These words were too heavy, too harsh, like a red-hot iron, burning her heart with pain.
But oblivious to her impending doom, she chewed repeatedly, causing her heart to pound against the surface until her entire body was engulfed in a dangerous, dizzying heat.
Yuezhi closed her eyes, trying to think of the prince consort, her rightful husband, the father of the child in her womb, but the image of the prince consort in her mind was as blurry as if seen through a thick fog.
When she married him, all she knew was darkness. She didn't know his features, only that his voice was gentle and his palms were rough and hot when they held hands. All she did for him was write a few lines of crooked poetry and make a tassel that she couldn't even be sure of the color of.
Those fragments of memory are like pieces of paper, impossible to grasp or piece together. Even the passion and joy we shared every night have been diluted by the sorrow of these past days.
But about Pei Heng...
Ironically, every detail about Pei Heng is frighteningly clear.
Not only the current majestic emperor, but also from a much earlier time, from when he was the crown prince, when he was not treated as a servant maid, but as someone he could rely on and trust, from that time onwards...
She remembered him as a child, writing and reciting texts, his little face serious and earnest.
I remember that after he was reprimanded by the late emperor, he hid in his bedchamber and remained silent. It was she who found him and sat with him silently for a long time. Finally, he could no longer suppress his grievances and threw himself into her arms, crying bitterly.
She remembered that when she first called him "Pei Heng", he was a little reserved and his cheeks were slightly red.
Later, they depended on each other for survival. In public, they acted as siblings, but in private, they gradually became true family. He grew taller and taller, and his eyes often held a deep contemplation that she couldn't understand. He went his own way and grew into a reliable young man who could protect her.
At first, she was somewhat angry that he forced her to come to the capital, but when she heard him call her "Royal Sister," her heart softened.
This person, who was not related to him by blood, did not forget the friendship they had shared when they were both humble after he ascended to the pinnacle of power. The "sister" he had stubbornly refused to say when he was young actually spoke of her after defying fate.
He remembered all the kindness she had shown him.
And aren't I the same?
After the prince consort went missing, he took care of everything for her, even impulsively wanting to take care of her and her child in her place.
He silently endured her initial resistance and cold words. Today, he was so happy after spending only a few hours with her, and he said many things to her that ordinary people would never listen to.
These memories, vivid in imagery, clear in sound, even imbued with warmth, surged forth relentlessly, instantly shattering the hazy mist surrounding the prince consort.
Yuezhi sat up abruptly, her breathing becoming rapid.
In the darkness, she could not see anything, but Pei Heng's face appeared clearly in her mind—the way he looked before he left home and Liangzhou.
Eighteen-year-old Pei Heng had long since shed his childishness. He had a full forehead, prominent brow bones, and a pair of deep eyes that were both gentle and firm. Despite being exposed to the wind and sun in the army, his skin remained a cool white, exuding a noble air that set him apart from other military generals.
He had grown taller, with broad shoulders, a thick chest, and a slender waist. He was much taller than her, and she had to tilt her head slightly when she spoke to him and gave him instructions.
"Yuezhi, I will definitely come back."
"Yuezhi, you must wait for me."
At that moment, he gazed deeply at her, his eyes shifting from tender expectation to tearful... every expression was so genuine, alternating repeatedly, lingering in his mind.
Yuezhi's heart was pounding, each beat echoing in the silent night.
She suddenly felt a strong urge, which made her wonder if she was going to cause trouble again because she couldn't sleep well.
But she just really wanted to see him.
This thought came without warning, yet it was so fierce that she couldn't resist it. Her heart clenched in agony. If she couldn't see him and had to endure this whole night, she would be miserable.
Yuezhi groped her way off the bed, not bothering to tidy her disheveled hair and clothes, and called the maid on night duty to accompany her out the door.
The moonlight of the spring night shone through the dappled bamboo leaves in the bamboo forest, illuminating her flushed face.
She walked quickly, her heartbeat drowning out the chirping of insects and her hurried yet hesitant steps.
Unbeknownst to her, several months ago, on a similarly moonlit night, she too had been longing to see someone—the prince consort—but now, the person she longed for had quietly changed.
Finally, she entered Jianshan Zen Temple.
When Duan Yunting, who was guarding outside the courtyard, saw her, he raised an eyebrow slightly and, without even announcing his presence, smiled and invited her in.
The imperial guards in the courtyard were even more amiable when they saw her.
Cheng Yuan came forward to ask, but she shook her head and refused. The matter of "not being able to sleep at night and wanting to see the emperor's brother" was strange and easy to misunderstand, so she dared not tell outsiders.
She dismissed the maids and stood alone in front of Pei Heng's bedroom. A faint candlelight still shone from inside. Although she couldn't see it, she could feel the warmth and the sudden tension among the soldiers on guard.
She was panting, her chest rising and falling slightly, her thin clothes gradually becoming soaked with the coolness of the spring night. Standing there, she didn't know what to do for a moment.
What should I say if I come here so suddenly in the middle of the night?
They said they wanted to thank him because they remembered his words of defense in front of Lady Changsun.
Or do you just want to hear his voice?
Her thoughts were all jumbled up. Before she could even knock on the door, it opened from the inside.
Pei Heng was not asleep. He was dressed in his everyday clothes, with his outer robe casually draped over his shoulders. Hearing a noise outside but no guards reported it, he curiously opened the door and saw her standing there. At the same time, he smiled with a mixture of surprise and worry.
"Royal sister?" He hurriedly stepped forward, instinctively wanting to help her, but then stopped halfway through his outstretched hand, taking off his outer robe and draping it over her shoulders.
"What's wrong? Are you feeling unwell? Or did you have a nightmare?" The voice was urgent and anxious.
As Yuezhi listened to his concern and felt his sincere and fervent care, his resounding words echoed in her mind once again.
She opened her mouth, but a thousand thoughts were stuck in her throat, and in the end she could only squeeze out a few words.
"I...I can't sleep."
"I just wanted to come and talk to you."
Her voice was so soft it was almost inaudible, carrying a hint of dependence and grievance that she herself was unaware of.
Pei Heng's brows relaxed as he looked at her blushing face, her slightly disheveled hair, and the radiant whiteness of her body hidden beneath his dark robe, like a cat that had just woken up, somewhat dazed and restless, easily stirring up his most secret impulses.
He exhaled softly, suppressing his desire to embrace her, and gently led her into the house through his robe, holding her arm.
Stepping into the warm room, the faint scent of burning incense mingled with the incense smoke from the temple, reminding her of the Guanyin statue she had set up in the princess's bedroom.
The incense she offered before Guanyin and the faint fragrance that clung to the prince consort created the same scent.
The scent here was much stronger, like the intense aroma accumulated from several acts of blood and milk intercourse; even a shallow breath made her body go weak.
Yuezhi stopped at the threshold. "Visiting so late at night, have I disturbed your rest? I... I'd better go back..."
The hand gripping her arm tightened slowly, not so much that it hurt her, but not enough to make her pull away.
A young man's clear voice rang in her ears, "I have said that there is no distinction between ruler and subject between us. You are welcome to come to my place anytime."
After saying that, she considerately added, "You can stay as long as you want."
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