Chapter 88: How could I be so worthy of you?
Lou Xueying clung to Li Pan's shoulder, the cold armor pressed against her arm, but she didn't feel cold at all.
Li Pan's chaotic and scorching breath sprayed onto her face, seemingly carrying a faint scent of gunpowder and dust. One hand encircled her waist, the other gripped the back of her head, as he swept his breath across her mouth. He was like a thirsty traveler who had suddenly found a spring of sweet water, his touch so forceful it seemed he wanted to possess every drop of her saliva.
Lou Xueying's hairstyle today was very simple, held up with just a copper hairpin. Li Pan habitually ran his fingers through her hair, but before he could even caress it twice, the hairpin clattered onto the table. Her long, black hair cascaded down, the ends brushing against his hand around her waist, making him even more aroused and his advances more intense.
“I think about you every day, Susu.” He gasped, his voice hoarse. “I can’t concentrate when I’m working, but once I’m done and I’m all alone in the house, I can’t help but think about you. I wonder what you’re doing, what you’re wearing, what you’re eating, how you’re sleeping… Do you miss me, Susu?”
“I miss you too.” She hugged him and whispered, “You only think of me when you’re not doing anything important, but I think of you every morning, noon and night. The first thing I think of when I wake up is you, and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep is you. Li Pan, you think of me as much as I think of you, and I’m angry.”
Li Pan: "Then what should we do?"
Lou Xueying didn't answer, but wrapped her arms around his neck even tighter, her knees pressed against his waist, making her look less like she was sitting on the table and more like she was hanging on him.
She closed her eyes and bit his lip.
A smile appeared in Li Pan's eyes. He simply turned around with her in his arms, sat on the table, and let her sit on his lap.
The council chamber was quiet, save for the soft, short breaths and the occasional humming.
They briefly forgot the troubles of reality. At this moment, it was just the two of them in this space that belonged only to them, repeatedly confirming and exchanging their longing for each other that had lasted for months.
Every touch of their lips stirred a tremor in his soul. He let out a deep, satisfied sigh, held her tighter, and murmured, "Susu, what would I do without you?"
Lou Xueying nestled on his shoulder in a coquettish manner, blinking her eyes as she asked, "Do you want me to stay?"
He turned his head, looked into her misty eyes, and couldn't help but give her a few quick, light kisses, saying, "Yes."
Lou Xueying pouted: "Judging from your appearance, you don't seem like you're here to keep me here for something serious."
Li Pan smiled, then kissed her rosy, glistening lips again, and said, "I know you're here to do serious business. Susu, I really didn't ask you to do so much."
“It has nothing to do with whether you asked me to or not; I wanted to do these things myself,” Lou Xueying said earnestly. “Just like you didn’t ask my brothers to stay, but they chose to stay on their own, so do I.”
Li Pan exclaimed, "How could you think of so many things I never imagined?"
"Because you're just a reckless brute who only knows how to fight." Lou Xueying snorted. "It's useless to conquer cities quickly; if you don't know how to manage them, you'll lose what you've gained."
Li Pan sincerely said, "I underestimated you."
Lou Xueying leaned against him and suddenly sighed softly.
Li Pan: "Why are you sighing again?"
Lou Xueying: "Actually, I only started thinking about these things after you left, listening to all sorts of news from the front lines. I really couldn't stay at home, so I came here."
Li Pan: "It's good that you've come. Your brothers have helped me a lot these days, and now with you here, it's like adding wings to a tiger."
Lou Xueying couldn't help but chuckle and said, "I haven't done anything yet, and you already know I'm capable just by talking?"
Li Pan: "Since you dared to come, it means you have some confidence. I believe in you, Susu."
Lou Xueying asked, "What are your plans now? What arrangements are there for the city dwellers?"
Li Pan: "These things are a bit complicated. How about I take you to the government office? Your two older brothers work there most of the time. I'll let you take a look at the files they've compiled so you'll have a general idea of what's going on."
Lou Xueying: "Okay."
She got off Li Pan, straightened her clothes, restyled her hair, and then followed Li Pan to the government office.
They came up empty-handed.
Lou Boyu went to question the local officials, while Lou Zhongyan went outside the city to check and archive the latest quantities of grain and clothing.
Lou Xueying then said to Li Pan, "It was my fault for interrupting your meeting. Why don't you go back to your work? I'll stay here and look at the case files by myself."
"Fortunately, we were almost finished discussing the use of this batch of silver from the treasury." He paused, then added, "However, I do have other matters to attend to, so I... shall take my leave now?"
Lou Xueying nodded: "Go."
All sorts of things were waiting for Li Pan to make decisions, and the fact that he could spare a little time to be with her was already a bit indulgent.
She was here on official business and needed to get to the bottom of the military situation as soon as possible; she didn't have much time to waste on him.
She unfolded the case file, watched Li Pan's figure hurry away, and couldn't help but smile.
The intangible and restless feeling she had experienced in the general's mansion vanished instantly. Now, sitting here, with a thick stack of case files in her hand, his lingering scent lingering in her nostrils, and listening to the occasional footsteps of the guards outside, she felt completely at ease.
She breathed on her hands and began to carefully examine the case files.
Lou Zhongyan returned not long after.
He was surprised to see Lou Xueying all alone there: "Where is the general?"
"I'm busy now," Lou Xueying said. "You're back just in time. There are a few parts I don't understand. Could you explain them to me?"
Lou Zhongyan stroked his chin: "You really want to stay?"
Lou Xueying: "Of course, Mother agreed as well."
Lou Zhongyan: "Although you don't have to fight in the war yourself, you're so close to the battlefield. Aren't you really afraid?"
Lou Xueying said calmly, "I'm probably the least afraid of death here."
"Fine, you're the toughest one in our family. You're the first to rebel; none of us are as brave as you." Lou Zhongyan chuckled, not taking it to heart, and sat down next to her. "What don't you understand?"
Lou Xueying then pointed to the records in the case file and asked a few questions in a low voice.
Lou Zhongyan patiently explained it to her, and then added, "Actually, these things aren't difficult. Once you get used to them, they're easy to understand. I hadn't done these things before either, but I figured it out after a few days of trial and error."
Lou Xueying nodded: "Then I'll take another look. You go ahead with your work."
Lou Zhongyan hummed in agreement and began to bury himself in his work.
Lou Boyu paused as he stepped into the government office, looking exhausted.
"You..." He turned his head to look at the already dark sky outside, "Aren't you going to eat?"
Lou Zhongyan looked up, sighed, quickly finished a few more words, put down his pen, stretched, and stretched his shoulders and neck. He complained, "If you hadn't reminded me, I wouldn't have realized I was hungry. It's all Susu's fault. She was so focused on reading the case files that I didn't dare to slack off."
Lou Xueying glared at him: "You've slacked off before?"
"No, no, I was just saying." Lou Zhongyan twitched the corner of his mouth and said to Lou Boyu, "Brother, let me tell you, Susu is really staying this time. Maybe the three of us siblings will have to work together in the future."
Lou Boyu: "Alright, many hands make light work. What Susu said today makes a lot of sense. If you have any other thoughts, we can continue to discuss them."
"Take a break, take a break," Lou Zhongyan said. "Brother, have you eaten?"
"I haven't yet," Lou Boyu said. "I just finished interrogating the prefect of this place. He's a smooth and shrewd opportunist. He has some ability, knows the local people's livelihood like the back of his hand, and has achieved some political success. But he has also taken the opportunity to amass a lot of wealth, so he can't be trusted with important positions."
“These kinds of people can just use each other and get what they need, no rush.” Lou Zhongyan put his arm around his shoulder. “Let’s go eat first, Susu, let’s go together.”
Lou Xueying marked the case file she hadn't finished reading, then stood up and asked, "Where should we eat?"
"There's a kitchen behind the government office that always provides meals, making it convenient for those on duty to eat," Lou Zhongyan said. "The taste is just average, but it's edible."
Lou Xueying: "Is the General eating there too?"
Lou Zhongyan: "I'm not too sure about that. There should be someone who delivers his meals, but he's often not there during mealtimes, so I don't know what he ends up eating."
Lou Xueying said angrily, "Then it seems you haven't been eating properly."
Lou Zhongyan clicked his tongue twice: "She's feeling sorry for him."
Lou Xueying kicked him.
Lou Boyu: "Alright, Susu, tell me about Mother and the others. How are they?"
Lou Xueying said, "I'm fine, you can rest assured."
After the three siblings finished their meal and chatted about everyday matters, they returned to their official residence and continued with their respective tasks.
Finally, Lou Zhongyan couldn't hold on any longer and went back to sleep. Then it was Lou Boyu's turn. Before leaving, he asked Lou Xueying, "Susu, aren't you sleepy?"
Lou Xueying yawned and said, "I'm a little sleepy... but the general hasn't come back yet, I'll wait for him a little longer..."
Lou Boyu: "Then I'll be going now."
Lou Xueying: "Go back quickly. I know you all have a lot to do tomorrow. I'm not in such a hurry."
Lou Boyu stepped out of the doorway, glanced at Wu Zhao who was guarding the entrance, and asked, "When will the general return?"
Wu Zhao: "This humble general does not know either."
Lou Boyu sighed: "Keep an eye on things often, so that Madam doesn't accidentally fall asleep inside and catch a cold."
Wu Zhao quickly agreed.
So Wu Zhao started calling out into the room every few days to keep Lou Xueying from falling asleep.
Lou Xueying finally couldn't take it anymore and opened the door, saying, "Which room does the general stay in? I'm going back to sleep."
Wu Zhao's face lit up with joy, and he quickly led her there.
When Li Pan returned to his room, it was already past midnight.
He had already asked around and learned that Lou Xueying was there, so he tiptoed into the room, took off his armor in the outer room at an extremely slow pace, changed his clothes, and then held his breath and got into bed.
As soon as she got into bed, she rolled into his arms.
Li Pan was taken aback and said softly, "You're not asleep yet?"
"No," she mumbled. "I'm waiting for you."
“What are you waiting for me for? You don’t even know when I’ll be back,” Li Pan said. “You can’t do that again.”
"I won't wait for you later, but since I finally saw you today, I still want to wait for you." Lou Xueying said, pressing her face against his chest, "You're so warm, I missed you so much..."
Li Pan's breath hitched, and the desire he had suppressed during the day surged up again. He no longer held back and rolled over to press down on her.
...
Li Pan finally brought hot water, wiped her body, and tidied the bed.
After tidying up and lying down, she rolled into his arms again.
He opened his eyes and stroked her long hair gently.
"Li Pan..." she said with her eyes closed, "What are you doing coming back so late today?"
"I'm discussing with my lieutenants how to proceed with the next battle."
"Have you reached a conclusion?"
"Not yet," Li Pan said. "The imperial reinforcements are arriving soon, and we need to reassess our tactics."
"I don't know anything about war... but if you have time later, I'll tell you more about my other thoughts..." Her words became increasingly unclear, "But I can also discuss it with my brothers first and hear their opinions... Anyway... when you have time... Oh, and don't forget to eat..."
Li Pan sighed softly, and after a long while, he said, "Susu, what have I done to deserve such a person as you?"
She didn't reply.
He held her in his arms, thinking to himself, "Such a slender little body, yet her mind can hold so many things."
From the moment she handed him the manifesto, he vaguely realized that she might not be as weak as he had imagined.
Her mind was actually very clear, and she had many ideas in her mind. It was just that she had lacked a strong protector to rescue her from the abyss. So once she grabbed onto him as a lifeline, she was especially afraid of losing him. She clung to him tightly like a vine, which made him feel pity for her and willing to shelter her from the wind and rain.
But now she has settled down, no longer wallowing in self-pity or being paranoid. In places he doesn't know, she is also working hard in silence, trying to spread her small branches and grow into a real tree.
“Liang Chong and Liang Ji… they probably didn’t know you could be this amazing, did they?” he said softly, kissing her forehead. “Now I know you best, Susu.”
Her breathing was even and deep; she had fallen asleep.
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