Chapter 40 Look carefully, I am Li Pan. ...
"Madam, we've arrived," the coachman said.
The carriage slowly came to a stop. Lou Xueying lifted the curtain, and sure enough, in front of her was the main gate of the Marquis of Wu'an's residence.
She closed her eyes and slowly exhaled.
As soon as she appeared, a doorman who had been eagerly waiting called out, "Madam is back!"
The gatekeeper, holding an umbrella and carrying a footstool, greeted her cheerfully: "Madam, please alight from the carriage."
Lou Xueying stepped off the car on the pedals and followed the gatekeeper through the gate, but after entering, she couldn't help but look back one last time.
In the misty rain, the carriage turned around and slowly drove away from the Marquis of Wu'an's residence.
"Madam, what's wrong?" the doorman asked, puzzled.
Lou Xueying shook her head, withdrew her gaze, and walked into the mansion.
Upon receiving the news, Cailing rushed over: "Madam, you're finally back! If I hadn't seen you soon, I would have gone to the palace gate to ask!"
Lou Xueying said, "What could possibly happen to me while I'm in the palace?"
As they were talking, Li's mother also came out of the yard.
She was a little slow on her feet, but when she saw Lou Xueying standing properly in front of her, she clapped her hands and laughed, "Susu, you're finally back! Why did it take you so long to get into the palace? Did Her Majesty the Empress give you any trouble?"
Lou Xueying smiled and said, "How could Her Majesty the Empress make things difficult for me? She was worried that if the Marquis left home so soon, I would harbor resentment towards the royal family, so she specially comforted me a lot."
"It's good that you're alright." Mother Li asked with concern, "You didn't eat much this morning, did you have lunch at the palace?"
Lou Xueying: "I've already eaten."
Mother Li: "Are you hungry now? It's almost time for dinner, shall we go and have dinner?"
Lou Xueying still didn't have much of an appetite, but looking at Li's mother's warm smile, she suddenly felt a lump in her throat and forced a smile, saying, "Okay, Mother, let's go eat."
Mother Li then took her hand and led her into the courtyard with a smile, saying as they walked, "Oh dear, it's strange. Before, when Shi Tou was often not at home, I didn't feel lonely because Cui Cui and the others kept me company. Now there are clearly more people in the mansion than before, but today Shi Tou left, and you left too. For some reason, I just feel so bored."
At this point, she whispered to Lou Xueying, "I tried to review yesterday's words today, but I still can't remember them. Cui Cui was teaching me, but I listened and realized she wasn't as good as you."
Lou Xueying said, "Then tomorrow... I will continue to teach Mother to read."
The word "tomorrow" almost brought tears to her eyes again.
So, she can still have a tomorrow.
She went there with the worst possible expectations in mind.
She thought that if Emperor Jinghui refused to let her go no matter what, she might as well die. If she died on her way out of the palace, the royal family would inevitably be implicated. Li Pan still had some feelings for her and would never allow her to die mysteriously on the very first day he left home. He would then investigate and report on her death and the injustice she suffered.
While she was alive, she could hardly disobey the emperor's orders; now that she's dead, she has to create some chaos, so that her rebirth wasn't in vain.
But she is still alive, and not only alive, she has returned to the Marquis of Wu'an's residence unharmed. Despite all the treasonous acts and disobedient words she committed against Emperor Jinghui, he did not pursue her mistakes, nor did he force her to stay by his side.
Perhaps he felt guilty towards her and forgave her; perhaps he had a more far-reaching plan in mind and wasn't in a hurry. But whatever the case, at least for now, she succeeded.
It turns out she was capable of resistance, capable of success, even if it all came at the cost of Li Pan's threats and Emperor Jinghui's concessions. But Li Pan was her husband, chosen by her own hand, and Emperor Jinghui's concessions were won by her alone, with blood and tears.
She wasn't always so incompetent and so easily bullied.
She finally made Emperor Jinghui realize that she was not an object he could seize at will, nor a toy he could keep by his side. She had no obligation to always smile at him, play the zither with him, or have long conversations with him. He always said she was his confidante, his soulmate, the only woman he loved, but had he ever even for a moment considered what he was to her?
Does he know her heart? Has he ever deciphered her words? What is she really thinking? Does he not know, or does he simply not want to know?
"Susu, what's wrong? Why are your eyes red again?" Mother Li stopped and frowned with concern. "Did you suffer some injustice in the palace and only tell me the good news?"
"What are you thinking, Mother?" Lou Xueying quickly smiled and rubbed her eyes. "It's just raindrops getting into my eyes, they're a little uncomfortable."
"Then let's hurry inside," said Li's mother. "Cuicui, tell the kitchen to serve the dishes!"
Cui Cui exclaimed "Ah!" and ran off happily.
Dinner was quickly served.
"Look, Susu, what's this?" Li's mother pointed happily, "Your favorite clove-flavored chopsticks!"
Cui Cui corrected softly, "It's clove-flavored sliced meat."
Li's mother: "..."
Li's mother: "Sigh, it's still what you like to eat, so that's all that matters!"
Lou Xueying looked at the plate of finely sliced fish with sauce on the table, which looked exactly like the fish she had eaten at home when she returned to her parents' home a few days ago, and couldn't help but ask in surprise, "How did Mother know I like to eat this?"
Mother Li laughed and said, "It was Shitou who told me! He said that the fish you eat at your parents' house is all pre-deboned, without a single bone, and made with the freshest fish. Our cooks don't have that skill! So, we sent him out to learn for a few days, and he finally learned it. You should try it and see how it tastes. If you don't like it, you can learn it again!"
Lou Xueying's eyes widened: "How come I didn't know about this?"
She's clearly in charge of the household, and she watches the kitchen's purchasing and disbursement every day, so how come she hasn't heard a thing?
Li's mother said, "It was Shitou who told us to keep it from you. We'll let you taste it after the chef has mastered the skill. We don't want to whet your appetite too early. If it doesn't taste good in the end, you might get angry with him."
Lou Xueying's ears burned: "When did I get angry with him? Why is he always talking nonsense in front of Mother?"
Cai Ling, who was standing nearby, also laughed and said, "No wonder I've been seeing a different cook these past few days. Steward Lü said the original one was sick, and I actually believed it."
Lou Xueying: "Lord Marquis, really, what's the point of hiding this from me? Now that the fish is cooked, he's gone, and I don't even know where to thank him."
Li's mother: "That just means he wasn't destined to enjoy a life of luxury! Come on, let's eat!"
Lou Xueying didn't eat much at this meal, but she and Li's mother finished the plate of sashimi.
The taste was slightly inferior to that of the chef at the Lou family's restaurant, but it was still quite good.
As she was eating, she suddenly smiled.
Li's mother asked, "Susu, what are you laughing at?"
Lou Xueying said softly, "It tastes better than the ones in the palace."
Mother Li exclaimed in surprise, "Really? The food in the palace must taste better than this, right? Aren't the chefs in the imperial kitchen the best in the world?"
Lou Xueying: "The dishes in the palace don't have the same homely warmth as the dishes at home."
Mother Li laughed and said, "That's true. There's no place like home!"
After dinner, Li's mother noticed that Lou Xueying looked tired, so she told her to go back and rest.
Lou Xueying quickly took a bath and then sent Cailing out, leaving only a lamp lit in front of the bed. She sat on the bed, hugging her knees, staring blankly at the oil lamp in front of her.
She was indeed exhausted, especially after taking a bath, which made her feel sore and weak all over.
But she still couldn't fall asleep.
Her heart, which had finally calmed down, began to pound wildly again in the quiet of the night after she said goodbye to Li's mother.
Unable to control her thoughts, she could only repeatedly recall the details of her confrontation with Emperor Jinghui that day.
Some of her words were spoken in a moment of emotional outburst, while others were impromptu remarks, deliberately intended to hurt him. But regardless of the reason, she never regretted saying them—those words had been bottled up inside her for so long, and she thought she would never have the chance to say them again in her life, but unexpectedly, one day she actually managed to say them.
While Emperor Jinghui's rebirth devastated her, the sudden release of her long-suppressed emotions made her feel less pained.
Yes, she seems to be in less pain now, but why is it that when she sits here quietly, she seems to have tears welling up in her eyes again?
Since marrying into the Marquis's household, she had never suffered any injustice. All the tears she shed after her marriage were because of that father and son.
But Li Pan knew nothing. He just thought that he had upset her again. Although he might not have thought he was wrong, he would apologize first and try to make her happy.
If Li Pan were here now, he would definitely be completely confused and bewildered, complaining about her being spoiled and difficult, while holding her in his arms and coaxing her repeatedly.
Where is Li Pan now?
A forced march... how far can a forced march cover in a day?
Lou Xueying suddenly realized that she actually knew nothing about Li Pan's life.
Li Pan packed his own luggage. She couldn't tell the difference between his various suits of armor, nor did she know how heavy his long spear, which he had cleaned again and again, was. She never asked him to tell her heroic stories of killing enemies and breaking through enemy lines, like a girl who truly admired him—she could never bear to hear anything too bloody.
The only thing she probably knew was what kind of grass his beloved horse ate. But that wasn't something she actively sought to know; she had only seen the stables' purchasing list while reviewing the Marquis's household expenses.
Where is Li Pan at this time? Is he staying at an inn or roadside shop, or sleeping on the ground for convenience while traveling? Or is he still on his journey and hasn't slept at all?
Lou Xueying suddenly missed him very much.
I miss his warm, steaming body, and the nonsensical things he said.
Although today ended without any major incidents, who knows what other things might happen next?
When will he finally come back?
...
Lou Xueying fell into a deep sleep.
She felt incredibly cold, as if she were walking in a frozen wasteland, her steps uneven, aimless and without direction.
Just as she was feeling lost, she suddenly saw two people approaching her. One of them took her hand and said, "Su-jun, I have composed a new melody for you. Come, let's listen to it; you'll surely like it." The other person cupped her face and said, "Su-su, why are you going with him? You are my Crown Princess. How can you serve my father, the Emperor? Do you even know how to write the word 'shame'?"
She screamed in terror, but found herself unable to make a sound. She forcefully shook them off and ran wildly across the snowfield, then slipped and fell into an ice cave.
Lou Xueying suddenly shuddered and woke up with a start.
The oil lamp in the room had long since burned out, leaving the room pitch black. She took a breath and felt extremely thirsty. She tried to get up to pour herself a glass of water, but found that she couldn't muster any strength at all. She barely managed to lift one neck before collapsing weakly back onto the bed.
...Something seems off; she doesn't seem to be in bed.
Her mind was a complete blank; she had clearly sensed something was wrong, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. She was tired, exhausted, and cold, and instinctively moved closer to a source of warmth beside her.
A warm hand covered her forehead.
In her half-awake state, she heard a low, hoarse voice say, "You have a fever?"
Is that so… she thought dazedly, no wonder she felt so bad…
Wait a minute, why is it a man's voice?!
She suddenly woke up again, straining to open her eyes and trying to see the scene before her.
—There really was a person there! Sitting right next to her!
She was terrified and opened her mouth to scream, but someone quickly covered her mouth.
The man bent down and whispered in her ear, "Don't be afraid, Susu, it's me."
It was terrifying, like a ghost. She felt dizzy for a moment, unable to distinguish between her past and present lives, and trembled with fear, sobbing uncontrollably.
His hand trembled, and he released her. She immediately broke free from his embrace, desperately shrinking into the bed, and said in a tearful voice, "I beg you, please let me go... What will it take to satisfy you? If you really hate me that much, can't you just give me a quick death?"
Countless nights, she would wake up from her dreams to find the new emperor's shadowy figure silhouetted against the night sky.
He stroked her face and smiled gently: "Don't be afraid, Susu, it's me."
He got into bed and began to slowly torture her.
"Swish!" The man lifted her up and hissed, "Look carefully, who am I!"
It was so dark inside, how could she see anything? Her eyes widened, and her body trembled violently.
The other person took a deep breath and replied, "Look carefully, I am Li Pan."
“Li Pan…” Lou Xueying murmured.
She finally realized what was happening and repeated it firmly: "Li Pan".
It really does sound like Li Pan. This seems to be Li Pan's voice.
But why is Li Pan here? Wasn't he out fighting a war?
She thought about it for a long time in a daze, and finally realized that she was still dreaming.
Great, it was a dream. Running in the snow was a dream, seeing the new emperor in front of the bed was a dream, and hearing Li Pan talking to me was a dream.
She's just dreaming about what she's been thinking about during the day; there's nothing to be afraid of.
She relaxed and leaned into Li Pan's arms, mumbling, "Li Pan... I want some water."
Li Pan then fed her a glass of water.
The water was cold, and she couldn't stand it after just one sip. She couldn't help but snuggle into Li Pan's arms, murmuring, "Li Pan, when are you coming back?"
"...Aren't I here?"
She seemed not to hear him: "Li Pan...you must believe...believe me..."
"Believe in what?"
"Believe me... I'm not..."
"...What is it not?"
She didn't answer because she was so tired that she barely had the energy to even dream.
In my drowsy state, I seemed to hear a voice say, "Yes, I believe you."
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