Chapter 38 I have a clear conscience towards you.
What... what did he just say?
Lou Xueying stared blankly at Emperor Jinghui, her mind completely blank.
Emperor Jinghui slowly rose and walked towards her.
She fell to the ground, watching him approach step by step. Suddenly realizing what was happening, she frantically braced herself on the ground and kept backing away until she had nowhere left to retreat. He bent down and grabbed her shoulder.
"Su Jun!" He pressed her down, staring intently into her eyes, rendering her immobile. "Why are you hiding from me? You were reborn before me, so why haven't you gone to retrieve the zither I gave you? You just watched me betroth you to Marquis Wu'an? Do you hate me that much? All these years, have you never forgiven me?"
Lou Xueying looked up at him, tears blurring her vision.
Something even more terrifying than the emperor discovering that she was Su Jun happened.
That means he was reborn too.
The sky collapsed and the earth crumbled. All her naive thoughts and plans, at this moment, became a joke, empty words, and a shattered dream.
It turned out that his reason for transferring Li Pan was not something he made up on the spot, but that he really knew that other tribes would rebel at the end of the year.
Why, why? He asked her so many whys, and she wanted to ask God why, why did He give her a second chance at life, to give her hope, only to destroy it all? What was the point of her rebirth then?
Her tears welled up and soaked his sleeves.
He looked at her silently for a long time before saying, "Before I died, I longed to see you one last time, but I never got to. The Empress said it was because you didn't want to come, but I didn't believe it. I thought it must be her who prevented you from coming. But now, I'm not so sure anymore... Su Jun, is being by my side such an ordeal?"
Lou Xueying broke down.
Tears streamed down her face. She didn't know where the strength came from, but suddenly shoved him, screaming, "Yes, it's this agonizing! Since you know everything, why did you have to come to me demanding an explanation? Even if you wanted an explanation, there were many ways. Why did you have to transfer Li Pan? Make him come back! I'm his wife, you can't do this anymore… You can't keep ruining my marriage and forcing me to stay by your side!"
The hairpin in her sleeve clattered to the ground. Emperor Jinghui lowered his eyes, picked it up, and pressed it slightly with his fingertip. Soon, the hairpin pierced his skin, and a small bead of blood oozed out.
He stared at the bloodstain for a long time before saying in a hoarse voice, "This hairpin... are you planning to use it against me, or against yourself?"
"Kill me..." she cried. "If you really don't want me to marry someone else, then I beg you to kill me... After I'm dead, you can do whatever you want, just let me be free..."
"Lou Xueying!" He suddenly grabbed her chin, forcing her to look up at him, his face filled with endless shock and pain. "Haven't I treated you well? Do you hate me that much? You'd rather die than marry me!"
She murmured, "I have already married the Marquis of Wu'an..."
"Do you really like him? What do you like about him? He's a boorish man, what about him could possibly please you?!" Emperor Jinghui took a few heavy breaths, closed his eyes, and forcibly suppressed his emotions before finally calming down a bit. He stroked her face and said, "You're just being stubborn with me, aren't you? You were just unhappy in the palace in your past life, so you don't want to enter the palace anymore, right? It's alright, then don't enter the palace. You can live your life outside the palace as usual, and no one can make things difficult for you anymore."
"And then?" she sneered through her tears. "This time, I don't even have a title. While the Marquis of Wu'an is fighting a war abroad, his wife is having an affair with the emperor she serves?!"
"You shall divorce him." Emperor Jinghui gritted his teeth. "I can grant you a marriage, and I can also make you divorce. I will bear this infamy. I will give Marquis Wu'an whatever compensation he wants, but not you."
Lou Xueying: "Why do you want to compensate him? Didn't he steal your woman? Why don't you just kill him? If I become a widow, you can do whatever you want, right? Are you afraid to kill him because you're afraid he'll rebel in a fit of anger? Are you afraid that hundreds of thousands of soldiers will mutini? Are you afraid that without him, there will be no one on the border, and you won't even be able to hold onto this throne?!"
"Lou Xueying!" Emperor Jinghui gripped her shoulders tightly. "Do you have to speak to me like that?"
"Yes, that's exactly how I want to talk to you!" Lou Xueying had never spoken so forcefully in her twenty-odd years of life, like a shrew. "I studied hard and practiced my skills diligently since I was little. My elders all praised me for being knowledgeable and reasonable, for being gentle and virtuous, and for saying that whoever married me would be very lucky—but what have I received? Do I really need the imperial concubine's rewards? Do I really need your affection? I clearly have nothing to lack, but you... but why did you take everything away from me and force your things on me... and then make me remember your kindness!"
She choked up, her face flushed with emotion, and her whole body trembled uncontrollably.
Emperor Jinghui stared at her blankly, never having seen her so distraught.
"Are you satisfied with how I am now? Do you think I'm rude and domineering, full of resentment, and no longer the Su Jun you knew?" She wiped away her tears, her eyes still tinged with fear, but she insisted, "Then just consider that Su Jun dead. She should have died long ago! The person who is alive now shouldn't have continued to live!"
Emperor Jinghui froze, then suddenly remembered something, grabbed her wrist, and asked urgently, "Why were you reborn? What happened to you? I was reborn after I died, why... why are you doing this?"
She looked at him and gave a sad smile: "What do you think?"
"You..." Emperor Jinghui was stunned, and said in disbelief, "You...you can't possibly...how is that possible?"
“Why is it impossible?” she retorted. “Everyone is born, grows old, gets sick, and dies. Even you, the ruler of a country, with a body of immense value, cannot escape it. Why should I be an exception?”
"My death—was an accident!" He seemed to be suddenly ignited, and roared in uncontrollable rage, "It was the Crown Prince... it was that bastard Liang Ji! He and his mother poisoned me! Otherwise, how could I have died so quickly, with even the Imperial Hospital unable to save me!"
Lou Xueying was stunned for a moment.
But it was only for a moment. She lowered her head and murmured, "I see."
She had her doubts: what kind of illness could have rendered the Imperial Medical Academy helpless, causing the emperor to lose his ability to govern personally and control over the palace overnight, and pass away within just a few days?
But she knew there was no point in doubting, so she never voiced her suspicions.
Now that she had heard Emperor Jinghui confirm it himself, she suddenly felt relieved and said softly, "It's something he's capable of doing."
It turns out he didn't only hate her, but also his father, the emperor. Thinking about it this way, he seemed to have been somewhat lenient towards her, at least sparing her life.
But it would be better if she died.
"What do you mean?" Emperor Jinghui keenly sensed something was wrong and asked her, trembling, "What did he do to you? He hates me to the core because I took you away from him, but I'm already dead. Could it be... could it be that he treated you badly?"
Lou Xueying curled her lips in a mocking smile and said, "Don't you really want to know why I didn't come before you died?"
Emperor Jinghui pursed his lips and stared intently at her.
"Actually, I came," Lou Xueying said, "but I was stopped outside Changqing Palace."
Emperor Jinghui's eyes suddenly lit up, and he said with great joy, "So you are not entirely heartless towards me, are you?"
She chuckled softly: "The Empress's people wouldn't let me in, but I thought, how could I not see him one last time? So I went to beg the Crown Prince—he didn't stop me, but guess what he said to me?"
Emperor Jinghui opened his mouth, but suddenly dared not ask any further questions.
Lou Xueying said slowly, "He said that if I stay with him for one night, he will let me go to see you."
Emperor Jinghui's breathing suddenly quickened, his fists clenched tightly, and his eyes blazed with fury: "—This beast! This beast!!!"
Lou Xueying ignored him and continued, "I didn't agree, and he didn't force me, so I left Changqing Palace and returned to my own palace. In that case, the Empress wasn't wrong; it was indeed my unwillingness to come in the end."
"Su Jun, Su Jun!" Emperor Jinghui pulled her into his arms, his voice trembling. "It's all my fault. I'm the one who sowed the seeds of this disaster, causing you to suffer such humiliation. It was also because I was too soft-hearted for a moment that I failed to see through Liang Ji's wolfish ambitions, allowing him to treat you like this!"
"I haven't finished yet." She smirked. "I have a clear conscience towards you. If you die, I will be buried with you. Tell me, in the entire palace, who else could do what I did? You say I would rather die than marry you, then why don't you say I would rather die to remain chaste for you?"
Emperor Jinghui suddenly froze.
He never dreamed that after his death, she would be buried with him.
"You...you were to be buried alive with me? But I never...I never intended for you to be buried alive with me..." he stammered incoherently. "You were so young, I only hoped you could live..."
"Now that I'm alive and well, why are you interfering?" Lou Xueying said. "Either you transfer Li Pan back, or you let me go to the Northwest with him. If you swear that you will never interfere in my life again, I will believe you."
"I..." Emperor Jinghui's voice was hoarse, and he could not continue.
Lou Xueying gave a cold laugh.
Her attitude towards him deeply hurt him. He struggled to ask her, "In our past life, you suffered many hardships because of me. I owe you a great deal, and I will do my best to make it up to you. But... but... since you neither like Li Pan nor Liang Ji, why... can't you give me another chance?"
"How do you know I don't like Li Pan?" she said. "I just like him. I've admired him ever since I heard you talk about him in my past life. What woman wouldn't like such a hero? The moment I saw him in this life, I wanted to marry him. He's handsome, straightforward, and everyone in the Marquis's mansion looks up to me. I like him so much! The best thing I ever did in my life was marrying Li Pan!"
Emperor Jinghui held her tightly in his arms, pleading with her, "Please don't say such hurtful things, Su Jun. I know you better than anyone. Li Pan may be a good person, but he is definitely not a good match for you! He doesn't understand your poetry, he doesn't understand your music, he's clueless about romance, and he's illiterate. You can't connect with him at all! Besides, he doesn't like you. He's only nice to you now because he's attracted to your beauty!"
"So what?" she whispered in his ear, emphasizing each word, "He not only lusts after my beauty, he also lusts after my body. He likes me terribly, he thinks about me day and night..."
"Shujun!" Emperor Jinghui interrupted her in despair, "You may hate me, but don't humiliate yourself like this just to spite me!"
Lou Xueying: "Humiliation? Li Pan and I have been married for six months and have prayed to heaven and earth together. We are a legally married couple, and it is only natural for us to have marital relations. It is consensual and mutual. How can you say that it is humiliation? Or do you think that I am humiliating myself by being with a man other than you?!"
"I...I didn't mean that!"
"Then what do you mean!" Lou Xueying shoved him away abruptly, laughing bitterly, "If this is considered humiliation, then what about what I suffered in my past life? Do you really think I innocently perished with you, and was reborn here innocently, waiting to reunite with you? No! No!! No!!!"
She took a deep breath, then threw herself at him again, clutching his collar tightly, her eyes bloodshot and filled with tears: "I wanted to die with a clear conscience, but your son didn't give me that chance! He rescued me, claiming to the outside world that I had been buried alive with him, but in reality, he imprisoned me, torturing me day and night, subjecting me to all sorts of humiliation. I couldn't live, I couldn't die! Do you know what he said about me? He said I was heartless, shameless, promiscuous, wanton and depraved... He hates me so much, yet he still won't let me go..."
Emperor Jinghui stared at her in shock.
"Do you know that a person can take more than ten kinds of medicine at once? Do you know that you can see how many bones a person has with the naked eye? Do you know that a person can wake up in their sleep and vomit blood? Do you know what it feels like to be unable to stand or sit, and even lying down is painful? Do you know what it feels like to be in a daze every day, half-awake and half-asleep, sometimes in the daytime and sometimes in the night, not knowing whether you are alive or dead?" Lou Xueying stared at him, tears streaming down her face, "Why did you die so quickly, while I had to live this life that is worse than death... Thankfully, I finally died! But I thought that this time I could finally live in peace, but why did you come too!"
"—I killed him!" Emperor Jinghui snapped out of his shock, his face deathly pale, veins bulging, and his eyes filled with an unprecedented rage—he had never been so angry, not even when he discovered he had been murdered.
He finally understood why Su Jun avoided him like the plague and why she harbored such deep resentment towards him.
It was because of him, and also because of his son.
But the root cause is still him.
These past few days, he's been thinking every day about how to get Li Pan away, how to see Su Jun, and how to win her back and bring her back to his side.
He was also thinking about how to find a suitable reason to eliminate the Crown Prince and the Empress. Unfortunately, they had not committed any wrongdoing in this life and were highly praised among the officials. He was at a loss for what to do and could only wait for the right opportunity.
Now he knows that Su Jun was deeply hurt by them, father and son, and will probably never forgive him.
The thought of the inhuman torture Su Jun endured after his death tore his heart apart. He dared not even think about what she was feeling, what pain she was suffering, and how she died in prison.
He didn't want to wait for any more opportunity. The boiling fire in his chest almost burned away all his reason. He wanted to kill that beast with his own hands right now! Even if that beast knew nothing now, so what? He murdered his father, seized power, and humiliated the Empress Dowager. Even if he died ten thousand times, it wouldn't be enough to quell the hatred in his heart!
Emperor Jinghui staggered toward the door, but Lou Xueying's hoarse voice rang out behind him: "If you want to kill him, go ahead. You are his father, so you naturally have the right to decide his life and death. But I am just a woman, without any official position or post, and I only wish for the peace of my family. I have never dared to covet the life of the Crown Prince, nor have I ever thought of taking revenge on anyone. If you want to kill him, it has nothing to do with me. You are not killing him for my sake, and I will not owe you any favors."
Emperor Jinghui turned around and stared at her blankly.
She had wiped away all the tears from her face, leaving only her red eyes. Kneeling before him, she trembled and kowtowed, saying, "Your Majesty knows perfectly well whether the border is peaceful or not. I have no other request but that Your Majesty... grant me peace and recall the Marquis of Wu'an to the capital, or perhaps allow me to travel with him to the Northwest. From then on, the Marquis of Wu'an and I will faithfully perform our duties to protect the border, and wish Your Majesty... good health and long life."
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