blunt knife
At dinner, Dad was drinking again, the bottle on the corner of the table, the label wrinkled from being soaked in the liquor. Mom pushed a plate of stir-fried vegetables in front of me and said in a flat tone, "Eat more, you've lost weight lately."
I picked up a piece of the vegetable with my chopsticks; it was a bit salty, like the taste of tears.
"Your homeroom teacher called again today," Mom suddenly said, stirring the rice in her bowl with her chopsticks. "She said you got into a fight with a classmate and even scratched him?"
"They started it by swearing." I said softly, head down.
"You resort to violence just because someone insults you?" Dad slammed his glass on the table, spilling wine. "How did I raise you? You hit people over the smallest things, just like your ill-mannered mother!"
Mom's face paled, but she didn't argue. She just put a piece of meat in Dad's bowl and said, "We're eating, so don't say too much."
She turned to look at me, her eyes filled with a complex mix of emotions, like pity and reproach: "Zhixia, it's not that I'm criticizing you, but a girl should be more sensible. Didn't you get along well with Li Ting and Zhao Lin before? Just admit your mistake and let it go."
“I did nothing wrong.” I gripped my chopsticks tightly, my knuckles turning white. “They spread rumors about me, and even said things about Grandpa…”
"You shouldn't have hit me no matter what." Mom interrupted me, her voice softening, but it felt like a dull knife, cutting into my heart again and again. "Look at you, Grandpa just passed away, the house is already messy enough, can't you just give me a break? If you keep making a scene like this, people will only say we have bad manners, and they'll talk about you..."
"What did you say about me?" I looked up at her, tears welling in my eyes. "Did you say I deserved to die like Grandpa? Or that I was born to be bullied?"
"How can you talk like that!" The mother's voice suddenly rose, slamming her chopsticks heavily on the table. "I'm doing this for your own good! Do you think those classmates are really close to you? Who knows what they're saying about you behind your back! Your grandfather is gone, and no one will protect you anymore. If you keep being so stubborn, you'll suffer a great loss sooner or later!"
"So I should just endure it?" I laughed, tears streaming down my face. "Endure them cursing at me, endure them insulting Grandpa, endure everyone treating me like a monster? Mom, you're a woman too. If you were bullied like this, could you endure it?"
“I…” She opened her mouth but couldn’t say anything. In the end, she just sighed. “This is how your father and I are going to be. Your brother will have to rely on you in the future. The most important thing for you now is to study hard, get into a good university, and leave this family… Don’t cause any more trouble. It’s not worth it.”
"Not worth it?" I looked at her, suddenly feeling like a stranger. "In your eyes, my grievances, my dignity, are not worth it?"
Dad impatiently pushed the bottle away: "What's all the noise about! Eat! A girl like you shouldn't be focusing on your studies, instead you're thinking about all this nonsense all day long, just like your mother!"
"What did I do with her?" Mom finally couldn't help but retort, her voice trembling with tears. "If it weren't for you two, would I have put up with so much? Shen Zhixia, look at your father, look at this family. Do you think it's easy for me? I'm advising you to endure it, not so you can suffer, but so you don't end up like us, trapped in this mess for the rest of your life!"
mud.
It turns out that in her heart, this family, and even herself, were nothing but mud. And I was just a blade of grass growing out of that mud, unworthy of any dignity, only able to desperately climb upwards, even if I was trampled on, I had to endure it.
I looked at the food on the table and suddenly lost my appetite. My stomach tightened in waves, and the pain in my heart started again, duller and heavier than ever before.
"I'm full." I put down my chopsticks and stood up.
"Zhixia!" Mom called out to me.
I didn't turn around, but went straight into the room and locked the door.
She slid down to the floor, leaning against the door, tears streaming down her face like a broken string of pearls. Her mother's words still echoed in her ears—"No one will protect you anymore," "Don't cause trouble," "It's not worth it," "You're a piece of trash."
These words didn't hurt as much as my father's fist, but they were like a tide, slowly washing over my chest, making it hard to breathe. I realized that the most painful hurt doesn't come from an enemy, but from the person closest to me, who, under the guise of "for your own good," tramples on my dignity and tells me, "This is for your own good."
Moonlight streamed through the gap in the curtains, falling on the desk and illuminating the blue star. I went over, tossed it into the deepest part of the drawer, and weighed it down with an old eraser.
From now on, I guess I'll really have to rely on myself.
He endured the pain on his own, shielded himself from the wind on his own, and climbed up little by little from the mud on his own.
Even if you're covered in wounds from climbing, you can't stop.
Because there's nowhere left to turn back.
The room was quiet, save for my own breathing and the soft thud of tears hitting the floor. I sat in the moonlight, hugging my knees, like a child abandoned by the whole world.
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