Adding insult to injury
The day Grandpa passed away, the sky was terribly overcast, as if it were about to collapse.
I was in math class when I received the call from the hospital. The teacher was writing long formulas on the blackboard, and sunlight streamed through the window onto Zheng Yiming's profile as he worked on the calculations, the sound of his pen gliding across the paper very soft.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. It was an unfamiliar number, originating from my hometown. I hesitated for a moment, then quietly went to the hallway to answer it.
"Zhixia...your grandfather..." It was her uncle's voice, choked with sobs, "...didn't make it, he just passed away..."
I didn't hear what was said after that; I just felt a buzzing in my ears. My phone slipped from my hand and fell to the ground, the screen cracking into a spiderweb pattern. Grandpa was the only person in this family who cared about me. He would secretly slip me pocket money, protect me when Mom hit me, and say, "Our Zhixia will be a painter when she grows up."
I squatted in the corridor, looking at the cracked phone screen on the ground, tears streaming down my face like a broken string of pearls, I couldn't stop them.
My homeroom teacher called me to the office and granted me a long leave of absence. Zheng Yiming had followed me there at some point. He stood at the door, looked at my swollen eyes, hesitated, and finally just picked up my schoolbag and said, "I've packed it for you."
"Thank you." My voice was hoarse, like a broken gong.
"Please accept my condolences." He looked at me, his concern genuine. "If anything happens... call me."
I nodded, said nothing more, and turned to walk out of the school.
On the way back to my hometown, it started to rain, a light drizzle, like Grandpa crying. The mourning hall was set up in the main room of the old house, with Grandpa's black and white photo hanging in the center, smiling kindly. I knelt on the prayer mat, looking at that photo, and tears fell again.
During the days of vigil, Mom didn't scold me, and Dad didn't drink; he just silently busied himself with chores. My brother stood in the corner, playing on his phone, like an outsider. Only in times like these did this family temporarily put away all its sharp edges.
The rain stopped the day I saw Grandpa off. I stood before his grave, watching the yellow earth gradually cover the coffin, and suddenly felt a huge emptiness in my heart, a cold wind howling in. From then on, no one would secretly slip me candy anymore, and no one would shield me from the beatings.
I returned home a week later. A thin layer of dust had settled in the room, the blue star on the desk was still there, and the cat painting Zheng Yiming had given me was fluttering slightly in the wind. I sat at my desk, looking out the window, and suddenly didn't want to go to school anymore.
But the pretense must eventually end.
The day I returned to school, the sun was shining brightly, but it couldn't warm the coldness in my heart. When I walked into the classroom, everyone's eyes were on me, with a hint of inquiry and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on.
I walked to my seat with my head down and put down my bag. My deskmate leaned over, hesitant to speak, "Zhixia, are you... alright?"
"Hmm." I took out my textbook and pretended to flip through it, but I couldn't help listening to the sounds around me.
Whispers came from the back row, not loud, but every word clearly pierced my ears—
"Her grandfather died? No wonder she took so long off work."
"You don't know? Li Ting and the others said that she didn't take leave because of her grandfather's death at all. She was messing around with some guy outside, got pregnant, and went to have an abortion, that's why she took leave..."
"Really? She seems quite well-behaved..."
"What's with the 'well-behaved' attitude? Didn't you see how close she is to Zheng Yiming? Who knows, they might already be..."
The words that followed became increasingly harsh, like poisoned needles, making me tremble all over.
Li Ting was a girl I used to get along with quite well, and Zhao Lin was someone I considered my best friend—they knew about my family situation, knew that I was bullied in junior high school, and even after I broke off my friendship with Zhang Ya, they came over and said, "We'll be there for you from now on."
I turned around abruptly and looked at the back row. Li Ting and Zhao Lin were chatting and laughing together. When they saw me, their smiles froze for a moment, then turned into mocking expressions.
"What are you talking about?" My voice trembled, and a wave of pain surged through my heart.
"What I say is none of your business," Li Ting said arrogantly, her head held high. "You've done something despicable, why are you afraid of what others say?"
"What did I do?" I gripped my textbook, my knuckles turning white. "My grandfather passed away, I went to pay my respects, how can you say such things about me?!"
"Who knows if you really went to see Grandpa off?" Zhao Lin scoffed. "You're always hanging out with Zheng Yiming, who knows what shady things you've been up to."
"You're talking nonsense!" I stood up, tears streaming down my face. "Zheng Yiming and I are just classmates!"
"Classmates?" Li Ting's smile became even more mocking. "Classmates eat together every day? Classmates walk you back to your alley? Shen Zhixia, stop pretending. Everyone knows you want to climb the social ladder, you want Zheng Yiming to take you away from this wretched family..."
"Enough!" I finally couldn't hold back and shouted, my whole body trembling.
Just then, Zheng Yiming walked into the classroom. He must have heard the arguing; he frowned as he walked over and looked at us: "What's wrong?"
"Zheng Yiming, you've come at the perfect time!" Li Ting immediately exclaimed, "What exactly is your relationship with Shen Zhixia? Is she...?"
“Li Ting,” Zheng Yiming interrupted her, his voice deep but without anger, “Don’t talk nonsense.”
"I'm talking nonsense?" Li Ting retorted. "Then tell me, what exactly did she do during all that time she was on leave?"
Zheng Yiming looked at me, a hint of hesitation flashing in his eyes, but in the end he simply said, "She has family matters to attend to."
That's all.
He didn't explain those vile rumors, didn't defend me, and didn't even rebuke Li Ting and Zhao Lin for their malicious slander. He just stood there, like a bystander, watching me being attacked with the filthiest words, completely unmoved.
That moment chilled me to the bone even more than hearing the rumors.
I looked at him and suddenly smiled, but tears welled up in my eyes. It turned out his concern and warmth were all just superficial. When he truly needed to step forward, he chose silence.
“Shen Zhixia, look, even Zheng Yiming isn’t speaking up for you…” Zhao Lin was still saying something, but I couldn’t hear her anymore.
The pain in my heart grew increasingly intense, making it hard to breathe. I gripped the table and slowly crouched down, my vision blurring. The surrounding whispers, laughter, and the smug shouts of Li Ting and Zhao Lin felt like countless hands dragging me deeper into darkness.
Grandpa is gone, my friends have betrayed me, and even the person I once thought was my light chose to stand by when I needed him most.
It turns out I'm still that lonely, unloved Shen Zhixia.
It turns out that all the warmth was just an illusion.
I squatted on the ground, biting my lip hard to keep from crying out. Tears dripped onto the floor, spreading into a small wet patch, like a flower of despair.
The sunlight outside the window is bright, but it can't penetrate the frozen sea in my heart.
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