Cracks deepen
The days after reconciliation are like pieces of glass that have been pieced back together; they look whole, but cracks can always be seen from some angle.
Li Zichen did indeed restrain himself a bit; at least in front of me, he would deliberately avoid Lin Wei. But when we brushed past each other in the corridor, I could still see Lin Wei winking at him, and the way he smiled with his head down seemed to hide some unspoken understanding.
I didn't press the matter further. My back injury had healed somewhat, and the atmosphere at home had temporarily eased—Dad had found a new job and was coming home later, and Mom's temper had calmed down a bit. I clung to this semblance of peace like a lifeline, afraid to stir up any more trouble.
At the end of December, our class was to put on a choir performance for the arts festival. I was chosen as the lead singer, and I had to stay in the classroom to rehearse every day after school. Li Zichen would wait downstairs, leaning against his bicycle, watching me run out of the school building, and then smiling as he handed me water.
"How did you sing today?" He tied my scarf for me, his fingertips brushing against my earlobe, feeling a little cool.
"It's alright, but he just can't seem to hit the high notes." I took a sip of warm water and looked at his nose, which was red from the cold.
“I think this sounds good,” he said, hopping on his bicycle and patting the back seat. “Get on, I’ll take you somewhere.”
He took me to the old playground behind the school. The stands were covered with a thin layer of snow, and the moonlight fell on them like a layer of salt. He took a thermos from his bicycle basket and poured out steaming hot milk tea: "My mom made it, with tapioca pearls."
The sweetness of the milk tea, mixed with the aroma of milk, warmed me from my throat all the way to my stomach. We sat in the stands, listening to the sound of the wind in the distance, when he suddenly spoke up: "Zhi Xia, after we graduate from high school, let's go to university in the same city."
My heart skipped a beat: "Which exam do you want to take?"
"I haven't decided yet," he scratched his head, his eyes shining brightly in the moonlight. "Wherever you go, I'll go. You study painting, and I'll study music. We'll rent a small house, and when you're painting, I'll play the piano for you."
The scene was so beautiful, it felt stolen. I lowered my head, afraid to look into his eyes, afraid that the longing in my eyes wouldn't be hidden. "Let's talk about it later, there are still two years."
"Two years will pass quickly," he leaned closer, his breath on my ear, "I'll wait for you."
That night, he walked me to the alley entrance and hugged me under the streetlight. His embrace was warm, and through his thick down jacket, I could hear his strong heartbeat. "Don't think too much," he whispered, "I'm here for you."
I thought he was serious this time.
Trust, once cracked, can spread like a spider web.
On the last weekend before the final exams, I went to the bookstore to buy review materials. In the distance, I saw Li Zichen and a girl walking out of the movie theater. The girl wasn't Lin Wei. She was wearing a beige down jacket and would cover her mouth when she laughed. Li Zichen was looking down and talking to her. The lines of his profile were so gentle they were almost blinding.
They walked side by side in the snow. The girl's scarf was blown askew by the wind, and Li Zichen reached out to straighten it for her, his movements as natural as if he had done it a thousand times before.
I stood behind the glass door of the bookstore, feeling a chill run through my body. The review materials in my hand slipped and fell to the ground with a dull thud, but I pretended not to hear it.
It turns out that when he said "keep your distance," he only meant it to me. It turns out that his gentleness could be shared with so many people.
I didn't confront him or send him a message. I just silently picked up the book, turned around, and went home.
The snow fell heavily that day. It landed on me and melted quickly, leaving a damp, chilling cold that seeped into my bones. I remembered being stuck in the snow in junior high, with people stuffing snowballs into my collar and laughing, saying, "You unwanted bastard." It turns out that after all these years, I'm still that pitiful creature standing in the same place, watching others have their fun.
That evening, Li Zichen sent a message: "What are you doing? Good luck on your exam tomorrow."
I stared at the screen for a long time, my finger hovering over the words "Who did you go to the movies with today?" for ages, before finally deleting them one by one and replying, "Thanks, and good luck to you too."
What good would asking questions do? He'd explain, apologize, and say, "We're just ordinary friends," just like he did with Lin Wei last time. And I'd probably still forgive him, like a spineless fool.
When the final exam results came out, I dropped ten places. My mother didn't hit me; she just said coldly, "I knew it. Dating never ends well. If you do this again next semester, you can't continue studying."
My father sat beside me smoking, without saying a word, and the disappointment in his eyes was like needles piercing my heart.
I locked myself in my room, looking at the notebook with rabbit drawings that Li Zichen had given me, and suddenly felt ridiculous. All those things he had said, all those dreams he had envisioned, were like words written on sand, washed away by the waves, gone without a trace.
My phone rang again. It was Li Zichen: "Have the results come out yet? I improved. I'll treat you to hot pot tonight?"
I looked at the words on the screen, and for the first time, I felt no excitement, only exhaustion.
It turns out that some sugar coatings, once peeled away, don't hide sugar inside, but rather a much more bitter medicine.
I didn't reply to the message and put my phone on silent. The snow was still falling outside the window, turning the whole world white, but it couldn't cover up the ever-deepening shadow in my heart.
I still have two years until I graduate from high school. But suddenly I feel like I can't go on this path anymore.
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