Uncontrolled string
The days after reconciliation are like a string that has been repeatedly stretched, always taut, and will break if you exert too much force.
Li Zichen has indeed changed. He no longer associates with Su Xiaoxiao, and he'll appear at our classroom door on time during breaks, either carrying hot milk or my favorite strawberry candies. He'll carry my schoolbag on the way home from school, and when I frown at a problem, he'll say, "I'll teach you." He even remembers to remind me to take my heart medication on time—that's what he found out after he caught me shaking as I searched for the medicine bottle and questioned me for a while.
But some things, once broken, are broken.
Just like when he hands me milk, I always subconsciously wonder, "Did he just bring it for someone else?" Just like when he says, "I'll teach you," I stare at his profile and remember how he smiled gently at Su Xiaoxiao's sheet music. Just like when he reminds me to take my medicine, I suddenly ask, "Are you worried that something might happen to me and cause you trouble?"
"Zhi Xia, why are you saying that again?" He put down his pen, his brows furrowed. "I'm just concerned about you."
"Concerned?" I gripped the pen, my fingertips turning white. "Then what were you saying to that girl from Class 3 on the edge of the playground after evening self-study yesterday? You talked for so long."
"I just asked her to borrow my notes!" His voice rose slightly, tinged with obvious impatience. "You saw it yourself, I even waved to her, why don't you believe me?"
"I saw it, but it still makes me uncomfortable." My voice trembled. "Li Zichen, can you please stay away from all the girls? Seeing you talking to them reminds me of the past..."
"The past, the past! All you ever think about is the past!" He stood up abruptly, the chair legs scraping against the floor with a harsh sound. "I've already said I've changed! What more do you want? Shen Zhixia, why are you so sensitive? Is it really necessary? Can you please stop overthinking?"
These words struck me like ice, hitting me hard in the heart.
Sensitive. Unnecessary. Overthinking.
It turns out that in his eyes, my unease, my concerns, and my sleepless nights were all just "sensitivity" and "overthinking."
I looked at him, suddenly speechless. The old wound on my back seemed to start hurting again, my heart clenched, and my vision blurred. I leaned on the table, slowly squatted down, and gasped for breath.
"Zhi Xia?" He paused, the anger in his voice fading, replaced by a hint of panic. "What's wrong? Are you feeling unwell again?"
He tried to help me up, but I dodged him. "Don't touch me," he said, his voice hoarse like a broken gong.
“I didn’t mean to yell at you…” He squatted down, his voice softening a bit, “I just felt that we finally made up, and you keep bringing up the past, which made me feel bad.”
"And what about me?" I looked up, tears streaming down my face. "I get anxious when I see you talking to other people, I tremble when I hear your impatient tone, and I can't sleep at night when I think about how you used to be... Do you care about any of these things?"
He opened his mouth, but no words came out.
The argument that day ended in silence. He didn't try to coax me anymore, and I ignored him. When the bell rang for evening self-study, he left first with his backpack, not waiting for me as usual.
I sat in the classroom, watching the sky outside the window gradually darken. My deskmate sighed as he packed his things: "Actually, Li Zichen has been doing really well lately. Aren't you... being a little too anxious?"
"Am I being too nervous?" I asked myself.
Maybe so. When the monthly exam results came out, I ranked in the top fifty in the grade, my best ranking ever. But the moment I got the report card, my first thought was, "Will Li Zichen think I'm showing off?" instead of being happy.
Zheng Yiming bumped into me in the hallway and said with a smile, "You've made great progress! You got all the physics multiple choice questions right. Impressive!"
"Just lucky." I lowered my head, not daring to look him in the eye.
“It’s not luck,” he said, handing me a mint. “I’ve looked at your error notebook; you were very diligent.”
The coolness of the mint spread in my mouth, slightly easing the dull pain in my heart. "Thank you."
“You’re welcome,” he paused, then suddenly said, “Sometimes you don’t need to think too much. You’re great.”
I was stunned for a moment. When I looked up, he had already walked far away, his back straight, like a tree that would never bend.
That evening, Li Zichen sent a message: "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you this morning. I'll bring you a strawberry cake tomorrow, don't be angry."
I stared at the message for a long time before finally replying with an "Mm".
The next day, he brought a strawberry cake, from my favorite shop. But when I ate it, I found it tasteless and sickeningly sweet.
During free time in the afternoon PE class, I was sitting on the bleachers drinking water when I saw Li Zichen playing basketball with a few boys. As he was shooting, a girl suddenly ran past and almost got hit by the ball. He reached out to catch her and said with a smile, "Be careful."
His smile was faint, and his movements were natural. In the past, I might have just thought, "He's a gentleman."
But now, my hand holding the water bottle is trembling, the cap is screwed on tightly, and my knuckles are turning white.
He seemed to notice my gaze and looked over at the stands. When our eyes met, his smile froze for a moment, then he let go of the girl's hand, turned around and continued playing, but he was clearly distracted.
After PE class, he waited for me at the stairwell, looking rather unhappy. "Are you upset again?"
"No." I walked forward, not wanting to talk to him.
"Shen Zhixia!" He grabbed my wrist, his grip strong. "I just helped her up! What are you thinking?!"
"I'm not overthinking!" I shook off his hand, my voice trembling with tears. "I just feel uncomfortable! Seeing you smile at other people, seeing you touch other people, makes me uncomfortable! Is that wrong?!"
"You're being unreasonable!" His patience had completely run out, his eyes as cold as ice. "Being with you is exhausting! Your nerves are like a string that could snap at any moment; I just touch them and you explode!"
"Yes! That's exactly me!" I looked at him, tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm sensitive, I'm suspicious, I'm insecure! If you can't stand it, you can leave! Just like before, say 'Who cares' and leave!"
"Do you think I wouldn't dare?" His voice was trembling with tears, but it sounded more like he was being defiant.
Everyone around stopped, their pointing and whispering gazes feeling like needles pricking me. Looking at the anger and disappointment in his eyes, I suddenly felt so tired, so tired that I didn't even have the energy to argue.
“Li Zichen,” I sniffed, wiped away my tears, and said in an unusually calm voice, “Let’s… call it quits.”
This time, he didn't hesitate, nor did he try to stop me. He just stared at me intently, the light in his eyes gradually fading, before finally turning and leaving without looking back.
The wind was strong at the stairwell, whipping my hair wildly. I held onto the railing and slowly crouched down. The pain in my heart started again, more intense than ever before.
It turns out that some strings, once stretched to their limit and broken, can never be repaired.
My sensitive and love-starved heart is probably destined not to be cherished.
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