Chapter 36 I'll be honest, I like you, it's not just simple brotherly/sisterly affection...
After the car accident, Zhou Ke stopped going out as usual and stayed at home. Lin Yu would occasionally hear him talking on the phone with others, and it seemed to be about renovations. She remembered that when she first returned to Tongcheng, Yan Yadong said he wanted to open a billiards hall on Guanyin Street, so Lin Yu naturally assumed that Zhou Ke was busy with that.
It started raining again at night, with raindrops pattering against the glass one or two at a time. The darkness was so thick it looked like a splash of ink, and the sound of the rain mixed with the darkness to create a desolate and lonely illusion.
With something on my mind, I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. I randomly picked a movie to watch, but after finishing it, I still didn't feel sleepy. On the contrary, I felt more and more energetic.
I glanced at the time in the upper left corner and realized that it was already midnight without me noticing.
Lin Yu rubbed her eyes, got out of bed, and went to the living room to pour herself a glass of water.
As night deepened, Lin Yu pushed open the door to find the living room pitch black. Suddenly, a crimson dot of light appeared in her vision. Startled, Lin Yu almost immediately pressed the light switch. In that instant when the lights suddenly came on, Lin Yu was taken aback to see that there was a person sitting on the sofa. Zhou Ke was sitting on the sofa, his arms resting on his knees. A cloud of bluish-gray smoke slowly rose in front of him, blurring his face. As the smoke dissipated, he slowly lifted his eyelids, revealing a pair of suppressed and cold faces in the hazy shadows.
Lin Yu was clearly surprised that Zhou Ke was still up so late, sitting in the unlit living room trying to drown his sorrows with a cigarette. She opened her mouth, walked over, and softly called to him, "Brother?"
Seeing her approach, Zhou Ke leaned forward and stubbed out the cigarette in his hand, his voice hoarse as if covered with a layer of rasping: "Did I scare you?"
Lin Yu frowned slightly as she walked up to him and stopped. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of cigarette butts piling up in the trash can. Instantly, her heart felt like it had been squeezed, a sharp pain shooting through her. She knew Zhou Ke wasn't a heavy smoker. Since she returned, she had only seen him smoke twice. Once was when he called her out of the bar, and they had a brief, albeit not exactly an argument, argument in the car. That was the first time she had ever seen Zhou Ke lose control of his emotions. Afterward, she sat in the car and watched him suppress his anger as he finished a cigarette by the roadside.
And the second time is now.
Lin Yu lowered her eyes, her gaze lingering on his face. She didn't know how long Zhou Ke had been sitting there alone, but at this moment, Zhou Ke in her eyes was full of dejection, his fatigue was obvious, and the creases of his double eyelids were deeply sunken.
For a fleeting moment, she really thought she saw her uncle. After her uncle and grandmother had their argument, he sat alone on the balcony for a long time, staring blankly at a point, his fingertips flickering, the bitter smell of cigarettes emanating from him cold and pungent.
If Lin Ye's initial motivation was the death of that girl, then what about Zhou Ke's now?
And who was it because of him?
Is it because of her?
She dared not think any further.
Lin Yu took a deep breath, her eyelashes trembling with each heavy breath. She slowly squatted down, looking up into Zhou Ke's eyes. "Brother... what's wrong with you lately? You seem so preoccupied."
"Is that so?" His voice was a little hoarse from smoking, like fine stones had been grinding against his throat, with a very grainy quality.
"Of course." Lin Yu pursed her lips, hesitated for a moment, and continued, "It seems like you've been unhappy ever since the hotel incident."
Upon hearing this, Zhou Ke lowered his head, looking at her with a deep gaze. He knew that Lin Yu had always been a very smart child since she was a child, and she could always find the most critical points of interest from a bunch of questions.
Just like now, she bluntly pointed out the key factor that caused everything.
He couldn't say yes, and he couldn't look her in the eye. Zhou Ke turned his head and urged her ambiguously, "It's getting late, go back and rest."
But how could Lin Yu possibly listen?
She remained standing there, her sharp gaze scanning his face inch by inch, as if she couldn't find any clue that something was wrong.
After a long silence, she finally spoke, asking a question that Zhou Ke couldn't answer: "Brother, you don't like Cong Yi, do you?"
As soon as he finished speaking, Zhou Ke's heart skipped a beat. The look in his eyes finally softened. He sat down in front of Lin Yu, looking down at her with dark, complex eyes. After a long while, he finally asked, "Should I like her?"
This statement was too ambiguous, but no one went on to explain or question it further.
Lin Yu: "If you don't like him, then what kind of boyfriend do you hope I'll find? Someone considerate, successful in his career, or gentle?" She paused at the end, looking directly at Zhou Ke, her eyes blinking, "Or perhaps, someone like my brother?"
Zhou Ke suddenly looked up, his eyes seemingly filled with mist. Lin Yu also looked at him, staring at him intently, as if genuinely expecting him to give an answer. The room was so quiet that only the sound of rain outside the window could be heard. The silence was like a silent confrontation. The moment their eyes met, neither of them looked away. Zhou Ke felt a restlessness all around him. He couldn't find any words to describe his response to Lin Yu's question, as if no matter what it was, Lin Yu could find fault with it.
But Lin Yu was still looking at him, pressing him for an answer with her gaze.
Zhou Ke looked at her and said, "She should at least be better than the one you have now."
Lin Yu: "Even if he were better than this one, would you be satisfied? I know you've never liked Cong Yi from the beginning. If your dissatisfaction afterward was based on that car accident, what about from the beginning? What was the reason for your inexplicable hostility at the start? Is your dissatisfaction with Cong Yi as a person, or is it his status as my boyfriend?" Lin Yu paused, then asked the most unanswerable question in the gentlest tone: "Does everyone with this status cause you to feel disgust, brother?"
Her tone suddenly became more forceful, emphasizing the last two words.
This seemingly ordinary form of address suddenly felt exceptionally heavy.
The matter ultimately ended with Zhou Ke's defeat.
He couldn't answer.
Even that one word, "brother," was unbearable for him.
He simply couldn't accept that he could develop feelings for his biological sister that went beyond familial affection; to him, it was completely wrong.
Often, he seemed to be caught in a kind of emotional internal struggle.
On one hand, he longed to maintain this relationship with his sister forever, where it was just the two of them in the house, no matter what. The appearance of either a 'sister-in-law' or a 'brother-in-law' would disrupt this balance.
On the one hand, he couldn't help but condemn himself for such immoral thoughts. Was he a beast? Why did he think like that? Why did he have such an unreasonable possessiveness towards his sister?
He was like a patient with a mental illness; once questioning and pain arose, they grew like mushrooms after rain.
Countless nights, like tonight, have been sleepless. Sitting in the pitch-black darkness, he closes his eyes, and his mind flashes through countless fragments, from when Lin Yu was three years old until now. For the first twenty years of her life, he had always regarded himself as an elder brother and treated her as a family member.
When did personal feelings begin to creep in? Was it because of Yi's appearance? Was it because she truly felt that one day in the future, another man would be intimate with her, living in the same house and lying in the same bed?
A heavy feeling returned to my chest, like a stone weighing a million pounds was pressing down on me, making it hard to breathe. Just thinking about it made my heart ache.
Jealousy was his only reaction to the man's existence.
But now, how is he supposed to answer his sister's question? Is it true that he dislikes not only Cong Yi, but everyone who might appear in her life?
During the long gaze, Zhou Ke kept looking at her, their eyes meeting in the air, neither willing to look away for even a moment.
Lin Yu clearly saw a deep sorrow surging brightly in Zhou Ke's dark eyes. She shuddered, her pupils trembling. It was truly rare for her to see such complex emotions in her brother's eyes in her lifetime.
Zhou Ke looked at her, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly, his voice unusually hoarse: "I'm going to ask you something, and you have to answer me, okay?"
Lin Yu stared blankly at his solemn expression, a sudden unease rising in her heart. After a long while, she slowly nodded.
Zhou Ke blinked, glancing down at her. He strained to form words, then slowly opened his lips: "Do you really... really... really like Cong Yi?"
As soon as she finished speaking, Lin Yu's heart skipped a beat. The living room lights were dim, and a hazy light poured down from above, enveloping the two of them. She blinked blankly, revealing a pair of clear and innocent eyes.
She moved her lips, and after a long while, she managed to squeeze out this sentence: "Is this the question you wanted to ask?"
"yes."
There was a moment of silence before Lin Yu pressed on, "Is the answer to this question important to you?"
Zhou Ke said, "It's very important."
Lin Yu asked, puzzled, "Why?"
Zhou Ke didn't answer, but looked directly into her clear, light eyes. "Is this question difficult for you to answer?"
"I..." Lin Yu opened her mouth, but found that she couldn't even say such a simple word as 'yes'.
She has lied to her brother far too much. Now, does she really have to go against her heart and tell him that she loves another man?
She lowered her head, her clenched knuckles clicking together.
Zhou Ke believed that the question he asked was not a difficult problem beyond Lin Yu's comprehension, but simply an emotional question. However, Lin Yu's prolonged silence finally made him realize that something was wrong.
"Why don't you answer?" Zhou Ke lowered his eyebrows and began to carefully examine her expression.
Lin Yu turned her head away: "Could you ask me a different question?"
Zhou Ke's gaze suddenly darkened: "This is it."
Meeting the unfathomable gaze in her brother's eyes, Lin Yu swallowed hard, her lips pressed into a straight line. She was torn. If she answered, it would be another lie, but if she didn't answer, it would be saying to his face that she didn't like Cong Yi. Admittedly, there was no affection between her and Cong Yi, but to say that would mean making everything public.
Zhou Ke's dark eyes fell on her brows and eyes, his gaze fixed on her face, silently observing her reaction. He saw the difficulty and struggle in her eyes.
What was she struggling with? What was troubling her so much that such a simple question could keep her silent for so long?
After a long time, Lin Yu still didn't speak.
Zhou Ke suddenly leaned forward, grabbed her wrist, and his eyes surged with emotion. "If you just say yes or no, this problem will be completely solved. Why don't you speak up?"
"because..."
Lin Yu closed her eyes, took one last deep breath, and when she opened them again, her eyes held only a desperate resolve. "Because..."
"My relationship with Cong Yi is fake."
After acting for a month, she finally decided to reveal this painful truth.
These words were like a thunderbolt, leaving Zhou Ke's mind blank for a moment. He stared at her in disbelief, his dark eyes narrowing sharply, and the grip on her wrist tightened unconsciously: "What did you say?"
His voice was extremely deep, and his brow furrowed more and more tightly.
"It's what the words imply."
Lin Yu raised her chin and looked at him calmly. Of course, the calmness was only on the surface. Who knew that her heart had already begun to boil when she uttered the first word, and her heart was pounding like a drum.
Whether they are siblings, lovers, or strangers, we'll find out tonight.
Tonight, at this very moment, she has completely transformed into a gambler, betting that Zhou Ke's feelings for her are not entirely innocent.
Zhou Ke stared intently at her, as if trying to bore a hole through her body. He was furious and shocked, and through gritted teeth he managed to squeeze out a question: "Why did you do this?"
Upon hearing this, Lin Yu chuckled softly: "Brother, to be honest, when you heard me explain this surprising fact, were you more angry and resentful that I was being unreasonable and willful, or were you more happy and glad that we were just pretending?"
Zhou Ke didn't speak, but his breathing became much heavier, and his deep black eyes were surprisingly somber.
"You ask me why I did this?" Lin Yu moved her toes forward, taking a step closer to him. Then, mustering her courage, under Zhou Ke's deep and complex gaze, she suddenly tilted her head back and kissed his lips without warning.
A kiss, the first in three years, fell lightly upon her, carrying with it the restless nights of her past thousand days and nights, and the unwavering courage she now had no way out.
The moment the kiss landed, Zhou Ke froze, but at the same time, as if he understood something, he endured the kiss in disbelief, and his remaining reason and morality collapsed in that instant.
Two moist lips touched lightly, then quickly parted, like a dragonfly skimming the water.
Lin Yu looked at him, her heart pounding so loudly it overwhelmed her, and her eyes were blurred with tears.
Her voice was soft and delicate, like a feather slowly slipping from between her lips and teeth, but upon closer listening, one could discern that even the end of her voice was trembling.
Lin Yu raised her chin and looked at him deeply with all the courage she had accumulated during her teenage years: "You either become my lover or become my complete sibling. Give me a straight answer so that this absurd dream can be completely ended and a safe boundary can be drawn from now on, so that neither of us can cross this red line."
Upon hearing this, Zhou Ke was so shocked by her words that he swayed. He could hardly believe his ears. If he had already been unable to process the fact that she and Cong Yi were not real, then now, facing Lin Yu's questioning, he was so shocked that he could not speak.
He couldn't describe his feelings at that moment. It was as if God had suddenly thrown a heavy candy at him, and before he could even taste its sweetness, he was already dizzy and disoriented.
Zhou Ke lowered his gaze to look at her, his tone tense: "What do you mean by a safe boundary? Do you plan to never see each other again, or will you become as distant and estranged as you have been for the past three years, to the point that you don't even go home anymore, hmm?"
Lin Yu looked up at him, her clear, cold eyes slowly filling with tears, blurring everything before her eyes: "Brother, do you really think your feelings for me are innocent? Can you honestly say that the day Cong Yi came to see you, you didn't deliberately prepare that table of food? When you found out I was going to stay at the hotel with Cong Yi all night, why did you drag me out of the hotel in the middle of the night, just because I was going to go to a hotel with him at a age you consider too young?"
She spoke at length, and at the end, tears welled up in her eyes and suddenly fell, the tears so hot they scalded Zhou Ke's heart.
Lin Yu sniffed and continued, "Also, what were you doing in the bathroom the night you came back from the hotel?"
Upon hearing this, Zhou Ke froze, as if the blood in his body had frozen.
So, the fact that she was standing outside the glass door of the bathroom made Zhou Ke almost lose his footing.
The air seemed to freeze for a moment.
Before she could speak, a light scent of woody fruit soap mixed with the bitter aroma of tobacco suddenly wafted towards her.
The figure reflected in Lin Yu's pupils suddenly magnified, her eyes gradually widening. A pair of broad, thick hands covered the back of her neck, supporting her and forcing her chin to tilt slightly upward. Then, in her stunned reaction, a soft kiss suddenly landed on her lips.
Lin Yu stood frozen in place, so stunned that she forgot to close her eyes. Before her eyes were Zhou Ke's features, so close that she could even see his individual eyelashes.
She stood there, stunned, a tingling sensation running down her spine. She was completely enveloped by his breath, and the kisses on his lips made her mind go blank.
The kiss didn't last long. After a while, Zhou Ke pulled away from her lips, his dark eyes fixed on her. His rough fingertips caressed the corner of her lips as he spoke in an unsteady voice, "How can you do this? On the surface, you give me the choice, but in reality, now that things have come to this, how can I be willing to just be your brother?"
Lin Yu's long eyelashes fluttered twice. These words came down one by one, making her dizzy. It was as if she hadn't recovered from one kiss and had fallen into a new honey pot. For a moment, she couldn't tell whether she was dreaming or fantasizing before her brain broke down.
My chest pounded as if a little person was constantly drumming and thundering, and my heart was beating fast and heavy.
She didn't speak, but stared at him intently with her moist, light-colored eyes, her beautiful eyes brimming with hot tears.
After a long, long time, a stream of hot tears finally overflowed from her eyes, wetting her cheeks. She blinked repeatedly, looking at Zhou Ke in disbelief: "So?"
"Let's be siblings, and lovers too." Zhou Ke cupped her cheek in his hands, lowered his head, and pressed his forehead against hers. "Okay?"
From then on, they embarked on a one-way street where they couldn't even turn their heads off.
Forget about forbearance and restraint.
Lin Yu was completely stunned, and stammered, "Brother."
When she spoke, her voice was low and soft, like a girl's voice. The room was quiet, so this very soft "brother" sounded as clearly as a feather into his heart. Zhou Ke closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, his eyes were filled with heavy thoughts, like an endless deep pool in the cold night.
“This is my answer.” Zhou Ke’s deep gaze met hers. He raised his hand and gently wiped away the saliva that had been kissed from her lips with his fingertips, telling her word by word, “I love you, not in a brother-sister way, but in a way that will return the kiss.”
Lin Yu's eyes widened in shock, and her legs went weak, causing her to stagger back a step.
So, she made the right bet.
Lin Yu lowered her eyes, a faint smile slowly curving her lips, but her eyes reddened. She murmured, "So, so... you liked me too."
Tears welled up in her eyes, her fine eyelashes fluttering in clumps, and a sour feeling rose in her nose. She slowly raised her eyes, her vision blurred by tears. She looked at Zhou Ke's face as if through a fog, and even at close range, she could only make out the outline of his face.
It felt as if a hole had been torn in her heart, and all the struggles, pain, and helplessness of the past rushed out, completely enveloping her from head to toe.
Shed that veneer of family.
They were actually in love.
She hastily wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. She didn't know how to describe her current feelings—was it surprise, delight, shock, or relief?
Perhaps both.
She carefully guarded this relationship, afraid that he would find out, yet also afraid that he wouldn't. She condemned her own immorality while simultaneously hoping that their blood relation wasn't real. She was caught in a vortex of struggle, living in constant anxiety, feeling as if they were separated by thousands of miles, yet also as close as if they were right next to each other.
Lin Yu: "Why...why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"What should I tell you?" Zhou Ke stared at her intently, his voice trembling. "Should I tell you if I have feelings for the sister I raised that go beyond family? Should I tell you that my first reaction after finding out you had a boyfriend wasn't happiness, but rather that I had completely lost you? Should I tell you that I also want to kiss and hug you?" He paused, his dark, moist eyes fixed on her, his voice gradually lowering: "How do I bring it up? Tell me?"
He knew better than anyone how paradoxical their relationship was.
Their relationship was linked by a great and gentle woman. When Lin Yu was still in Lin Xiangyun's womb, Lin Xiangyun would look at him with gentle eyes and tell him that he could touch his 'little brother'. At that time, everyone in the Jiang family, including the Lin family, assumed that the unborn child was a boy, and there was no other gender.
Young Zhou Ke tremblingly stretched out a wrinkled little hand to explore her presence through the thin, protruding belly. Zhou Ke still remembers that day, the day she was born. Everyone hoped that Lin Xiangyun's belly would be a boy, but Zhou Ke felt that no, it must be a sister.
The moment she was born, all was silent; everyone around her held their breath, and the world was filled only with that piercing cry.
After Lin Xiangyun's death, they were forced to live in two separate families.
Lin also disappeared after that.
They were left with only each other, and only each other.
He held Lin Yu, who was crying, in his arms on countless dark nights, stroking her back again and again, saying that it was okay, that her brother was there for her, and that he would always be with her.
Those nights washed away by tears, only the moonlight witnessed.
She was bullied at school, and Zhou Ke stood up for her. He even went to her parent-teacher conference on her behalf.
Everyone knows that Lin Yu has a very good "older brother".
Everyone!
This is the praise everyone gives behind their backs, but it is also a shackle. They all marvel at how competent Zhou Ke is as an older brother.
But, just the way—
They transformed this familial bond into romantic love.
So you deserve to suffer this pain.
We are both defeated in this distorted relationship. From the day we learned that we liked you, neither of us has gotten the better end of the deal.
A long time ago, Lin Yu saw a sentence on the Internet: "It is an extremely difficult process for a person's heart to become indifferent."
She hadn't felt this surge of emotion in a long time. Most of the time, she was quiet and still, her eyes as dark as the mist on a snow-capped mountain.
She knew she shouldn't, but with so many relationships in the world, are all couples right? And can those that were right but were broken up be considered wrong?
So she stubbornly embarked on this path of loving her brother, refusing to turn back.
Her eyes were blurred with tears, and her heart ached in waves.
Zhou Ke reached out and hugged her, just like he had done countless times when they were children. He held his sister in his arms, his fingertips touching her hot tears. Zhou Ke frowned, his large hands cupping her cheeks. His palms were already soaked with his sister's tears. He frowned and asked, "Why are you crying?"
Lin Yu buried her face in his chest and cried bitterly. Her tears gradually soaked the fabric of his clothes, and it was as if the tears had pierced through his chest and rolled into his heart.
Zhou Ke put his arm around her waist and gently patted her back. His throat felt like it was covered with a thick layer of sand, grinding against his throat. He swallowed and seemed to smell a faint scent of blood. The surroundings were quiet and the rain had stopped. All that could be heard was her muffled sobbing.
After a long pause, Zhou Ke closed his eyes and slowly spoke, his voice as soft as a feather falling from the sky, "Did your brother make you feel pain?"
"No." Lin Yu shook her head violently, tears streaming down her face. She kept repeating, "No..."
We love each other in taboo, and we rebel against ethics.
That's why our love is so difficult.
Love is so intense it feels like needles are being used to heal the heart, and even the bones ache. No one dares to be the first to analyze this feeling, and no one can bear to be the sinner.
"Brother, brother..." Lin Yu wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. Her eyelashes were wet with tears as she called out "brother" over and over again.
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Author's Note: After all that buildup, I've finally come clean! [cheering emojis]
"We're both losers in this relationship; from the day I fell for you, neither of us came out on top."
The novel is titled "The Defeated General" because of this phrase [glasses].
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