15 Retirement and Return to Hometown
"Eternal infamy?" Li Zhaoyi was stunned. She looked at Shen Zhiyuan with eyes full of disappointment and sadness.
"In your eyes, is our relationship just a romantic relationship that will leave me with eternal infamy? Don't you like me at all?"
Shen Zhiyuan looked at her red eyes, and his heart ached as if it were pierced by a needle.
He wanted to nod, to tell her, "I like you," to tell her, "I want to be with you, too," but he couldn't. He was a subject, she was the monarch; the gap in their status was an unbridgeable chasm.
He cannot let His Majesty fall into greater difficulties because of his own selfish desires, nor can he let the country be in turmoil because of their feelings.
"Your Majesty, I am your subject and will always assist and protect you. However, beyond this, I cannot make any promises to you."
Shen Zhiyuan's voice was extremely hoarse. He turned around, not daring to look Li Zhaoyi in the eye. "It's late. Your Majesty should return to the Yangxin Palace and rest early. I will pretend I didn't hear what you said today."
After saying this, he quickly left the Imperial Garden, leaving Li Zhaoyi standing alone on the stone bridge, letting the cold wind blow on her.
Li Zhaoyi looked at his resolute back and gradually sobered up.
What she had just said replayed in her mind like a movie, and she felt regretful and sad. She knew that she had destroyed the last bit of easing tension between them.
She slowly walked back to the Yangxin Palace, sat at the desk, looked at the empty jar of plum wine, and couldn't help but shed tears.
She thought that speaking the truth after drinking would make Shen Zhiyuan understand her feelings and make him respond to her a little, but she didn't expect that what she got in return was his more complete escape and rejection.
It turned out that the chasm between the emperor and his subjects was so difficult to cross. It turned out that her feelings, in his eyes, were really so insignificant.
That night, Li Zhaoyi lay awake all night. She thought about a lot of things, about every detail between them, about the importance of the country, and about her responsibilities as an emperor.
She knew that Shen Zhiyuan was right, and there really couldn't be any feelings between them that went beyond that of a monarch and his subject.
Shen Zhiyuan, after leaving the Imperial Garden, also stayed awake all night. He sat in his study, holding the wooden horse that was Li Zhaoyi's favorite childhood favorite, his heart filled with struggle and pain.
He knew that his feelings for His Majesty had long gone beyond the relationship between monarch and subject, but he could only choose to escape and suppress it.
While the morning dew was still condensing on the flowers and leaves in the imperial garden, the door of the Hall of Mental Cultivation was gently pushed open.
Li Zhaoyi hadn't slept all night, and her eyes were slightly dark. She was staring blankly at the empty wine jar on the table. When she heard footsteps, she thought it was Eunuch Zhang bringing breakfast, so she didn't even look up and said, "Just leave it there."
But the person who came didn't move. Only a familiar, slightly hoarse voice was heard: "Your Majesty."
It’s Shen Zhiyuan.
Li Zhaoyi's body suddenly stiffened, and she slowly raised her head, meeting the complex emotions in his eyes: fatigue, struggle, and a hint of determination that she had never seen before.
Her heart skipped a beat, and she inexplicably felt a sense of foreboding.
Shen Zhiyuan stepped forward, placed a neatly folded memorial on the table, and bowed, his movements more solemn and distant than usual: "Your Majesty, this is my resignation."
"Resignation?" Li Zhaoyi's voice suddenly changed. She almost rushed over to grab the memorial, her fingertips turning white from the force. "Chen Zhiyuan, what do you mean?"
The handwriting on the memorial was still neat, but it revealed an unquestionable firmness: "I have assisted Your Majesty for three years. Now that the country is becoming stronger, the administration is clean and honest, and the northern border is stable, I have fulfilled my duty as your assistant.
I am getting old and exhausted both physically and mentally. I wish to return to the mountains and farmland and spend the rest of my life in peace. I beg Your Majesty to grant me this."
"Growing old? Physically and mentally exhausted?" Li Zhaoyi repeated these words, feeling absurd and heartbroken.
"Chen Zhiyuan, you're only thirty years old, how can you say you're 'getting old'? You've assisted me for three years, and now you're leaving? What do you think of the three years of friendship between king and subject, and my reliance on you?"
Her voice became louder and louder, and she couldn't help but shed tears. She knew that he was leaving not because of "physical and mental exhaustion",
But because of her confession last night, he wanted to escape and completely cut off the connection between them.
Shen Zhiyuan looked at her red eyes from crying, his heart aching as if being cut by a knife, but he still hardened his heart: “Your Majesty, I am just doing my duty as a minister.
Your Majesty is now able to handle matters on his own and no longer needs my assistance. Returning home is the best choice for both Your Majesty and me."
"The best choice?" Li Zhaoyi threw the memorial to the ground, and the papers scattered all over the floor, just like her broken heart.
"Do you think that leaving me alone again is the best option? Shen Zhiyuan, tell me, did you take what I said last night to heart?
Have you ever liked me even a little bit?"
She practically yelled the last words, a desperate plea.
How she wished he could just say "yes", even if it was just a lie to her, it would be better than such a cold rejection.
But Shen Zhiyuan remained silent. He lowered his eyes, his long eyelashes hiding the emotions in his eyes, and his voice was low and firm: "Your Majesty, I have never had any improper thoughts.
Your Majesty, I beg you to forget what I said last night. I have made up my mind to return home, and I beg Your Majesty to grant my permission."
"I won't allow it!" Li Zhaoyi stepped forward and grabbed his sleeve, her nails almost digging into his flesh.
"I won't let you go! Shen Zhiyuan, you can leave just because you want to? Why did you agree to come out of seclusion three years ago? Why did you teach me how to govern the country, protect me, and make me get used to your presence? It's too late for you to leave now!"
Her emotions were completely out of control, like a helpless child, clinging to the last straw and refusing to let go.
Since the death of her father and brothers, Shen Zhiyuan has been her only support and the light in her darkness.
She couldn't lose him, never.
Shen Zhiyuan looked at her out of control, and the pain in his heart almost overwhelmed him.
He wanted to hug her, wanted to tell her "I won't leave", wanted to tell her "I like you", but reason was like a shackle that bound him tightly.
He is a subject and she is the monarch. Once their relationship is exposed, it will not only ruin her reputation, but also plunge the country into turmoil.
He can't be so selfish.
“Your Majesty,” he gently pulled back his sleeve, his voice filled with pain that was hard to conceal, “Staying by your side is a disaster for both you and me.
Only by returning home can the rumors be completely quelled, and only then can Your Majesty be able to govern the country with peace of mind. This is the last time I advise Your Majesty, and I beg Your Majesty... to prioritize the country."
"The country is more important?" Li Zhaoyi laughed, tears streaming down her face.
"In your eyes, I can only be the emperor forever. I can only focus on the country. I can't have my own feelings, and I can't have anyone I want to keep. Is that right? Shen Zhiyuan, you have such a cruel heart."
She looked at his resolute eyes and knew that any attempt to keep him would be in vain.
But she was unwilling to accept it, she really was unwilling to accept it.
She stepped back step by step until she leaned against the cold wall and barely managed to stand.
"Go away." Her voice suddenly became calm, so calm that it made people panic.
"But I tell you, Shen Zhiyuan, if you leave this Yangxin Palace today, don't ever think of coming back. I can protect my kingdom by myself, and I don't need you to participate in my life anymore."
Shen Zhiyuan looked at her pretending to be strong, and the last line of defense in his heart collapsed.
How he wanted to stay, how he wanted to be with her, but he couldn't.
He took a deep breath and bowed again: "Your Majesty, take care."
After saying this, he turned around and walked out of the Yangxin Palace step by step without looking back.
Li Zhaoyi watched his figure disappear at the door. She could no longer hold on and slid down the wall to sit on the ground.
She looked at the memorials scattered on the ground and the empty hall, and tears fell like beads from a broken string.
She thought that even if they could not be lovers, they could at least be monarch and subject, teacher and student, and they could discuss state affairs and protect the country together as before.
But now, he refused to give her even this chance.
Eunuch Zhang walked in and saw the memorial on the ground and the crying Concubine Li, and he instantly understood everything.
He quickly stepped forward to help her up and comforted her softly, "Your Majesty, don't be too sad. Lord Shen may just be having a hard time thinking things through. When he figures it out, he will definitely come back."
"He won't come back." Li Zhaoyi shook her head, her voice hoarse, "He's gone, and he'll never come back."
She stood up, walked to the desk, looked at the rising sun outside the window, and a hint of cold determination gradually appeared in her eyes.
She was the emperor, and she couldn't let her love for her son and daughter get her down. Shen Zhiyuan was gone, but she still had the country, the people, and countless people who needed her protection.
She picked up a pen and wrote the word "not allowed" on Shen Zhiyuan's resignation letter, her handwriting so hard that it almost tore through the paper.
She secretly swore in her heart: Shen Zhiyuan, if you want to leave, it won't be that easy. As long as I am still the emperor, as long as I don't want you to leave, you will never leave my side.
As the court bells echoed over the imperial city, Li Zhaoyi sat on the dragon throne, tapping the armrests lightly with her fingertips, her eyes so calm that no emotion could be seen.
All the civil and military officials in the hall lowered their heads, and no one dared to look up at her. Ever since Shen Zhiyuan handed in his resignation, His Majesty had not shown a good face for three consecutive days, and the atmosphere in the entire court had become depressing.
"Your Majesty, please consider Lord Shen's resignation." Grand Tutor Xu was the first to step out and bowed.
"Lord Shen has assisted His Majesty for three years, working tirelessly and making great contributions. Although the country is now growing stronger, it still needs the assistance of capable ministers like Lord Shen. If Lord Shen leaves, it will be detrimental to the stability of the court!"
Other ministers also echoed, some said "Lord Shen is honest and upright, and is a role model for all officials", and some said "Although the northern border is settled, Lord Shen is still needed to coordinate border defense."
Others mentioned implicitly that "Lord Shen and Your Majesty get along well with each other as king and minister. If he is forced to leave, it may discourage scholars all over the world."
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