Chapter 140 Chapter 138 Award Ceremony
The moment before Yamada Choichi was pulled into the world game was magical.
Since time was paused at the same moment, many players who were pulled into the game were still in some strange states.
For example, you have just fallen asleep, or have just been hit head-on by a car, or have just been sent to the operating table, waiting for an unknown fate...
And Yamada Machiichi had just swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
His life used to be a dead cycle, everything was gray - gray people, gray trees, gray houses, gray everything... He used to be an ordinary Fuso student, but he was different from ordinary people. Every evening during self-study, he was hot-headed, as if he was doing homework but wanted to overturn the table all the time. He often wanted to hit people, or wanted to pick up a pen and stab his rival's eyes, or suddenly throw people into a cement tank...
But when he returned to the dormitory, he would often regret it and tell himself that he should not think like that tomorrow.
The nights were usually peaceful. The quilt wrapped him up safely. The nights inside the quilt were his only refuge. He hid inside the quilt, as if he had escaped from the whole world. He closed his eyelids, as if he had gone to a utopia.
The next day was the same as before. The sky was white, the clouds were blue, and the world was gray.
He has depression.
Severe.
A grown boy likes women's clothes, and a man who is called a man lives in fear.
There were many things he couldn't say, he didn't dare let anyone discover his thoughts, he avoided his disappointed parents, he lived in a state of vacillation every day, his emotions and rationality were moving in completely opposite directions.
When he woke up in the morning and saw the river beside the road, he wanted to jump into it for no reason.
His pain permeated the peaceful night, so he chose to commit suicide one night.
"I once wavered between life and death. Every time I thought about ending it all, I thought about how colorful this world is...why should I leave?" Yamada Machi stared at the bow in his hand. "So I kept lingering on, living in this contradiction for a year...until I couldn't stand it anymore."
"First Player." He stared at Su Ming'an, his eyes still dull and lifeless: "We Japanese have always been conflicted, and I can't control this conflict, so I am so painful. But you seem to be able to control yourself very well at all times, I am very curious about how you do it."
Yamada Machiichi remained silent.
Whether he was a boy or a girl, he was as silent as dust in the corner, without any sense of existence. He once thought that he was such a gray character, and gradually got used to it.
But after he got here, his mind changed.
The person in front of him was the focus of the whole world. The top player was the center of the stage, the most visible being, and the center of everyone's attention at all times.
...So Yamada felt very strange.
How could someone get to this point under the gaze of so many people?
So he took off his bow and revealed his secret to the world.
Is cross-dressing a strange fetish? He didn't know, maybe in the eyes of adults. But he was so humble that he could compete with the strongest players in the world. He didn't want to remain silent any longer.
"Are you here to discuss this with me?" Su Mingan was very surprised. Those who came up to him before were either fawning and friendly, or full of hostility. This was the first time he met someone who came up to him so peacefully and wanted to "discuss" with him.
Perhaps, because both sides have realized that the game is over.
"I've seen your video, the same video as mine, of suicide." Yamada Machiichi whispered, "I know that feeling... It's like my stomach is filled with molten iron and liquid nitrogen, and my intestines feel like they're being torn apart. I tried to exhale, but it was no use - the feeling of despair was too clear, so clear that it made me even more desperate, and then I accepted it desperately."
He suddenly raised his head, and his lifeless eyes, which looked feminine under the makeup, suddenly lit up: "...but you didn't seem to think so at the time, right?"
The hopeful and enthusiastic look of the number one player at the first guild's stage at that time.
It instantly burned the eyes of Yamada Machiichi who was watching the live broadcast.
He had long wanted to get close to Su Mingan, like getting close to a shining and radiant sun, but he was not like Lu Shu, who wanted to be a fearless light-seeker.
He knew he was humble and timid, but he wanted to seek his "Tao".
The word "Tao" is very mysterious in reality, and it is easy to make people laugh when you utter it.
But he felt that the person in front of him would never laugh at him.
Su Mingan didn't laugh as expected, he was silent.
Yamada Machiichi got his answer with high expectations.
"That depends on why you didn't choose to continue living." Su Ming'an said, "Death is a very simple thing. If you choose death just to escape, then I don't think I need to answer you - before choosing death, you need to clarify your 'meaning of death', otherwise you are just a piece of dead meat."
Yamada Machiichi's body was trembling.
Suicide carries a lot of weight in Fuso culture. The forty-seven martyrs regarded suicide as the highest honor. They fulfilled both their duty and their moral obligation.
And what about him? He chose to commit suicide. How was he any different from those people he looked down upon?
Even if he survived and stood in front of the whole world, it was because the sudden start of the world game gave him a helping hand, not because of his strong desire to survive.
Once upon a time, the word "death" was the only thing hanging in front of his eyes 24 hours a day. Now, the only thing in front of him is this person who is looking at him silently.
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