Do you believe me?
When I arrived at Xu Li's building, it had been almost an hour since the phone call.
There were no cars on the road, and it was drizzling. Zhou Junchang didn't have the patience to wait for a car in one place, so he ran while waiting.
This was Zhou Junchang's first time going out since being discharged from the hospital. He was still not fully recovered and felt somewhat weak.
Zhou Junchang was in a hurry and didn't bring an umbrella. His trouser legs got wet from the rain, but he didn't care.
The whole process wasn't fast, but it left Zhou Jun feeling tired. Lying in bed for so long had taken a toll on his health, and with his wounds not fully healed, he was struggling to keep up.
Standing downstairs, Zhou Junchang looked at the long staircase, held onto the railing, and climbed up with his last breath.
The stairwell was dark, but it was brightly lit by the thunder and lightning.
Zhou Jun stood at the door, unsure if his sudden arrival would make Xu Li even angrier. He had only received a call from A Feng in his sleep saying that Xu Li was crying, and in that instant, he impulsively decided to come over.
Finally, Zhou Junchang hesitated before knocking on the door.
No matter what Xu Li's situation was, he had to see it for himself.
"...Xu Li, it's me."
There was no sound from inside, and no light shone through the crack in the door; it was as quiet as if no one was home.
It's unclear how much time passed—maybe a few seconds, maybe a few minutes—but Zhou Junchang seemed to have lost all ability to make judgments.
There was a rustling sound coming from inside; someone was approaching.
Xu Li's voice sounded hoarse and weak, as dull as an impenetrable wall: "Why are you here?"
"I came to see you."
Xu Li muttered under her breath, "There's nothing to see..."
The sound was soft, so Zhou Junchang probably didn't hear it.
After a while, Xu Li said again, "You should go back..."
Zhou Jun rushed over in a hurry; how could he possibly go back like this?
He didn't know why Xu Li was crying; he only knew that upon hearing the news, he desperately wanted to be by her side.
Now that it's actually happened, I don't know what to do, and I can't even express the simplest concern.
But it seems that this time is a good opportunity for the two of them to have a talk.
"Do you remember, you said you would..."
"You're not ready yet."
Xu Li's tone was somewhat urgent, yet also a little angry.
"Okay, I... I've been discharged from the hospital."
It was only then that Xu Li realized that the reason Zhou Junchang was so eager to be discharged from the hospital was actually because of this—a reason that she had once used to escape, which Zhou Junchang actually took to heart.
The emotions I had just managed to compose myself suddenly burst forth again.
"Listen, if you're discharged because of this, that doesn't count. What I want is for you to be truly and completely better, not just because you're discharged!"
In fact, Zhou Junchang knew that this was somewhat self-deception, but when people have no other choice, they can only start doing some childish things to convince themselves.
Zhou Junchang was struggling to stay upright, leaning half his body against the door, patiently explaining word by word: "That's fine then, otherwise how would I have gotten here?"
"You can't do this...you can't do this...I said I'd wait for you to get better, I'll wait for you to get better, why are you being discharged early?"
Zhou Junchang finally asked the question he had always wanted to ask: "Really, will you wait for me to get better?"
Won't you just leave without saying goodbye? Will you really wait for me no matter how long I'm in the hospital?
It is precisely because he is afraid that he is so eager to know an answer.
"...I'm sorry, I lacked the courage and ability..."
"Don't apologize. You never need to apologize to me."
Xu Li was speechless; she couldn't accept Zhou Junchang's indulgence with a clear conscience.
Before he knew it, Zhou Junchang's eyes were also wet with tears, and his voice became hoarse. He asked, "So, why are you crying tonight?"
Xu Li looked out the window. The night seemed like a monster that would devour people, and the lightning and thunder made it even more unapproachable.
Xu Li changed her posture to sitting on the floor, hugging her knees with both hands, as if this could help her find a sense of security.
"You know what? I'm actually afraid of the dark."
Speaking of which, Zhou Jun had actually noticed something: a long time ago, when the bar experienced a power outage, Xu Li had shown some unusual behavior.
But at that time, Zhou Junchang didn't take it to heart.
Do you know... why I'm afraid of the dark?
Zhou Junchang remained silent, waiting quietly for Xu Li to speak.
“Because,” Xu Li took a deep breath, as if she had done a great deal of mental preparation, “my father… in my memory, it was raining every day he was gone…”
Zhou Junchang understood.
He had always known that Xu Zhengbei's matter was a painful topic that Xu Li couldn't discuss, and now she was bringing it up again to explain it to him.
There was no sound inside. Zhou Junchang felt that it wasn't that Xu Li wasn't sad, nor that she could now bring up Xu Zhengbei's affairs freely, but rather that she was in so much pain that she couldn't even make a sound.
Through the door in front of him, Zhou Junchang seemed to be able to see Xu Li crying.
It's so painful.
Xu Li leaned against the door, silently weeping. After a long while, Xu Li asked, "Do you believe me?"
He believed her, how could he not? He had believed her a long, long time ago, before he even realized it, and he would continue to believe her ever since.
"letter."
Zhou Junchang was like a groom at a wedding, making a promise that touched everyone's heart. But it wasn't a grand vow; just a simple word made Xu Li feel at ease.
No one else matters, as long as you believe, that's enough.
real.
Xu Li stopped hiding her tears and cried. She said intermittently, "Can we not talk about it today? Can you give me some more time?"
Zhou Jun often stood outside the door, and hearing the sounds made his heart ache even more than his wounds.
"Okay, I won't say it. Whether you say it or not, then I won't say it."
The night was deep, and everything around was quiet.
Everything felt somewhat familiar, as if it were the same night Zhou Junchang left the police station, in the same place and the same scene.
One was outside the door, and the other was inside.
And so, Zhou Jun often stood guard at the door, his heart tugged at by the every move of the person inside. It was such a cold night, such a dark night, but his heart had found its home.
"Go to sleep, go to bed."
"And you?"
"I am right here."
"Your injury..."
Zhou Jun unconsciously covered his wound with his hand, biting his teeth hard, but still pretended to be nonchalant: "I told you, it's almost healed, it's fine now."
"Go back now."
Zhou Junchang instinctively wanted to refuse, but then, remembering something, he immediately agreed: "Okay."
Then silence.
Zhou Junchang didn't move.
Xu Li didn't go to bed either.
Actually, they both knew the other hadn't left, but neither of them spoke again. They both enjoyed this kind of companionship.
Xu Li could see Zhou Junchang leaning against the door through the crack in the door. Then, she quietly moved behind the door, making it seem as if she were leaning against Zhou Junchang.
This was just right; she wanted to get close to Zhou Junchang, but she was also afraid that her body, which had been infected, would contaminate him.
Actually, there's another reason, which is the thing Xu Li least wants to mention.
Xu Zhengbei's departure was at least aboveboard, but the part that was suppressed in Xu Li's heart was truly unspeakable.
When facing Zhou Junchang, she wanted to escape even more. She didn't want to recall it, much less talk about it. It wasn't something worth sharing, because it wasn't pleasant or worth remembering.
If it were truly possible to erase memories, Xu Li would definitely choose that option without hesitation.
That was a scene that Xu Li would tremble with fear whenever she recalled the minutiae of life. Countless nights she couldn't sleep after thinking about it, and she would toss and turn in the night with a light on, searching for safety, because the darkness with her eyes closed seemed to pull her back into that night in an instant...
That was even more frightening to Xu Li than what happened to Xu Zhengbei. On that rainy night, Xu Li felt an unprecedented despair.
Panic, chaos, mud—it seemed like a rainforest from which there was no escape...
She couldn't bring herself to say it, so she only said half of it.
Perhaps one day, Xu Li will have the courage to speak out, but not now. She doesn't know how angry Zhou Junchang will be when he finds out the real reason, but she can't think about that now.
She lied to him, just for the sake of that moment.
And now, separated by a door, everything is just right.
Xu Li imagined Zhou Junchang's appearance behind the door, and traced his outline again and again by touching the door panel.
From the hair, ears, to the nose, and the corners of the mouth...
Zhou Junchang's face flashed through Xu Li's mind again and again; his expressions and movements seemed to be forever imprinted in her heart.
Xu Li has never liked any vows of eternity, but at this moment, she unrealistically wants to stay in this moment forever.
There's a line in the book that says love is a hand that wants to touch but then pulls back, and Xu Li feels that it describes herself very accurately.
She was torn between wanting to leave and having to, afraid to reveal the truth while simultaneously hoping someone would notice something first...
She was very conflicted, but this conflict became even more pronounced after she met Zhou Junchang.
During her days in the hospital, Xu Li almost didn't know how to face Zhou Junchang, so she didn't open the door today either.
Normally, she can try her best to disguise herself and act as usual, but if she opens the door tonight and looks at Zhou Junchang, recalling the scene from that night, that would be the thing she can't accept the most.
If none of these things had happened, she would have opened the door and looked at Zhou Junchang properly. Then she wouldn't have had to leave, and many things wouldn't have happened, such as her fear and Zhou Junchang's wounds...
The next day, Xu Li woke up groggily by the door, her eyes stung by the light.
Look, the window can hold in the man-eating darkness, and it can also let in blinding light.
Xu Li got up and opened the door, but because she was afraid Zhou Jun would often lean against the door, she only turned the doorknob gently.
But I didn't see the person I wanted to see.
The area outside the door was completely empty, making Xu Li wonder if last night was just a dream.
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