baffling
Hot water continued to gush out from the shower head, and the steaming hot air filled the small bathroom space, blurring the mirror and Zhou Jianxing's vision.
She wiped her body unconsciously and mechanically, and her skin turned slightly red from being rubbed.
Wen Lingyi told her to wash more times. This sentence echoed repeatedly in her chaotic mind like an unsolvable riddle. What did it mean? Was she not clean enough? She didn't understand, but just obeyed the order subconsciously.
Wen Lingyi's change in attitude was like an unexpected cold snap, making her feel a cold fear from the inside out.
Why are you always so hot and cold, so distant?
Why is it that every time, when she just felt a little definite and responded warmth and felt that Wen Lingyi might like her a little bit, he would pour a basin of ice water on her without any warning, freezing her completely from head to toe?
So what is the reason this time?
What did she do wrong, and what unknown taboo did she touch?
Why can't you just tell her the reason?
She couldn't count how many concessions and compromises she had made for this relationship and for Wen Lingyi. Almost all the edges had been smoothed out, but she still didn't know what to do to make the other party truly satisfied and at ease.
Liking Wen Lingyi is really a very exhausting thing, like trekking in a desert with no end in sight.
Zhou Jianxing had analyzed herself seriously before. She knew that she didn't like the complicated twists and turns and suspicions in relationships because she was naturally clumsy and slow to react, and could not cope with those subtle thoughts and subtexts at all.
She prefers things that are concrete and clear, likes each step to be clearly visible and have a clear cause and effect relationship to follow, just like the circuit diagrams and parts she faces when repairing a machine, one is one, two is two.
However, feelings are the most abstract and illogical things in the world.
She could only stretch out her hand little by little in the darkness, nervously exploring and groping. But every time she thought she had finally touched the ice outside Wen Lingyi's heart and felt a little sign of melting, the ice would cover her again.
But she seemed to be under some kind of unsolvable curse. Even though she was constantly being pricked by invisible thorns in this relationship and felt deeper and deeper loss and pain, she was still unable to extricate herself.
Instead, he fell deeper and deeper into trouble under Wen Lingyi's capricious pattern of first giving a heavy blow and then giving a little bit of sweetness.
First let her feel numb from the pain, and then if you give her even a tiny bit of insignificant kindness, she will cherish it like a rain after a long drought, and even feel that that little bit of kindness is enough to offset all the previous pain.
Maybe, she really wasn't good enough.
Things have developed to this point, Zhou Jianxing knows that he will not turn back, and cannot turn back.
She had long been deeply trapped in it, the quicksand of emotions covering her chest. Every time she tried to struggle and pull herself out, she would only be pulled by a stronger force and sink deeper.
A relationship, whether it begins quietly or ends helplessly, should perhaps follow its own laws, like the changing of seasons and the ebb and flow of tides, and human power can play a very small role in it.
Although Zhou Jianxing is naturally slow in emotions, she is extremely clear about this point because she has experienced very deeply that the human heart is the area least controlled by reason.
It's not that she wants to give up. Her heart that beats for Wen Lingyi and aches for Wen Lingyi will obediently obey orders.
Zhou Jianxing bit his lower lip hard until he tasted a slight hint of rust, then he wrapped himself tightly in a bath towel and pushed open the bathroom door.
The hot and humid water vapor rushed out and merged into the relatively dry and cool air in the living room.
She pushed open the bedroom door, which was half-closed. It was empty, the bed made neatly, but not the person she'd expected. She quickly walked to the small kitchen and equally small balcony. The house was simple, with the entire end visible at a glance. There was no corner where someone could hide.
"Sister Wen?" she called out tentatively, her voice a little unnatural in the overly quiet room. No one responded.
She searched carefully back and forth two or three times, opened every cabinet door, but still couldn't find it.
Where was Wen Lingyi? Where had she gone? A living person like that wouldn't just vanish from her home. Had she gone? Just like that? Without even a word of farewell or explanation?
So, all the talk about being in a bad mood due to work issues was just an excuse to lie to her. Wen Lingyi was just angry with her, for some reason that she still didn't know, and she punished her in such a cold way as to suddenly disappear.
Why? Was it because what she did last night made Wen Lingyi feel uncomfortable or offended? But she carefully consulted her every step of the way. If she didn't want to do it, why didn't she say it? Why didn't she stop?
When Wen Lingyi went out this morning, he was obviously fine. He even leaned over and kissed her forehead and promised her that he would come back for dinner in the evening.
How come he came back at night like a completely different person? Cold, distant, revealing an undisguised disgust.
Zhou Jianxing stood in the middle of the room, confusion and helplessness flooding over her like a tide. She clicked on the familiar dialog box on the phone screen, hesitated for a moment with her fingertips in the air, and began to type one word at a time.
"Sister Wen, are you out?"
"Is your stomach feeling better now? Are you still vomiting? Do you want me to get you some medicine?"
"Sister Wen, will you... come back?"
The message was sent, and the green bubble quietly floated on the left side of the screen, without any response. Time passed, the screen dimmed and brightened, brightened and dimmed, but there was still no new notification.
Zhou Jianxing couldn't help but let his mind wander, his heart gripped by all sorts of terrifying speculations. Was Wen Lingyi's stomach upset unbearable, and he couldn't wait for her to come out, so he forced himself to go to the hospital? Now that she hadn't replied, was she in the hospital for a checkup, or... had encountered some other emergency?
Nothing will happen to Wen Lingyi, right?
This thought made her panic instantly. Without any hesitation, she quickly found the number in the address book and dialed it.
What came from the receiver was not the familiar waiting tone, but an electronic female voice repeating coldly and mechanically: Sorry, the user you dialed is busy, please call again later...
Busy. This status usually has only two possibilities.
One possibility is that the other person was really talking to another person, or even about that person's business, and left in such a hurry that he didn't even have time to say a word to her.
Another possibility is more direct and more hurtful.
Wen Lingyi saw her incoming call and hung up directly.
No matter which possibility it was, it was like an invisible hand tightly gripping her heart, making it difficult for her to breathe.
Zhou Jianxing felt like a discarded old item, like a child in an orphanage who was briefly adopted by a family, tasted the false family warmth and care for a few days, and was then ruthlessly abandoned again for various reasons.
The emptiness and dull pain of having obtained and then losing something are far deeper than never having obtained it at all, and are more difficult to bear.
She still didn't give up and tried to deceive herself.
Maybe things were not as bad as she thought. Wen Lingyi just encountered a very urgent matter that had to be dealt with immediately, and left without telling her?
She tried to cheer herself up, picked up her phone again and typed a message.
"Sister Wen, if you are safe, could you please reply? Just one word will do."
"I just wanted to make sure you were safe and that nothing happened."
"I can't help but worry about you all the time. I'm afraid you might encounter an accident."
The message was sent, but it still fell into the sea and received no response.
Zhou Jianxing even had a strong urge to change his clothes immediately and rush out, searching for Wen Lingyi in every street and alley.
But where should she go to find it? The world is so big, and Wen Lingyi's world has so many forbidden areas for her.
Lanyue Bay? Wen Lingyi's aunt currently lived there. If she rashly went there and was caught by her aunt, how would she justify her excessive and unreasonable concern and search for a "married" woman?
Wen Lingyi had already made it clear that she didn't want anyone to know about their relationship. If she really went to him without caring about anything, wouldn't it only make Wen Lingyi even angrier and even more unwilling to talk to her?
Because she was "disobedient" again.
The carefully prepared meals on the table had already gone completely cold, the oil solidified into white fat blocks, and looked unappetizing.
Zhou Jianxing walked over and silently put them into the refrigerator one by one intact.
I had done physical labor all day and was starving when I got home. But now I felt like my stomach was filled with something, heavy and stuffy, and I couldn't even drink a sip of water.
·
Night fell completely, and the lights of the community buildings outside the window lit up one after another. The sounds of television, cooking, and children crying could be heard faintly, making her small home especially quiet.
For two consecutive nights, this space was filled with the breath and warmth of another person, with subtle breathing sounds, rustling sounds of turning over, and occasional whispers.
Suddenly, all of this disappeared, and she was left alone. The emptiness and silence of the space were infinitely magnified, like an invisible net, tightly wrapping her.
Zhou Jianxing curled up in bed, wrapped himself in the quilt. His mind was in a mess, like a ball of wool that had been completely tangled by a cat, and he couldn't find a clue.
She couldn't help but light up her phone screen once more and clicked on the dialog box. The interface remained frozen on the string of green bubbles she had sent, while the other person's profile picture hung silently in the upper left corner, like an insurmountable barrier.
It seemed that this fragile relationship only had a slight chance of continuing if she took the initiative to send messages, contact, please, and carefully maintain it.
Because among the two of them, she was the one who fell more completely and without reservation.
Zhou Jianxing could almost hear her pitiful self-esteem groaning under the heavy burden, but she still had the nerve to edit the message again and send it.
Every time I type a word, it feels like I am rubbing my face against the rough concrete floor.
"Sister Wen, have you rested?"
"Did you eat anything last night? Is your stomach still upset?"
"Please, could you please reply to my message? Just one."
…
"Where did I go wrong? Can you tell me?"
"I can change anything you don't like, really."
…
"Sister, I miss you."
The moment this last message was sent, a red exclamation mark appeared.
Blocked?
Zhou Jianxing sat up from the bed, her movements as stiff as a rusty robot. The cold wall instantly pressed against her back, causing a shiver to pierce her spine.
She bent her knees, pressed her forehead against her hard kneecaps, and curled up into a tighter ball.
She clutched the phone tightly in her hand, the cold metal frame rubbing against her palm. Without warning, tears welled up in her eyes, splashing onto the dark screen, creating a blur of water stains.
What does that even mean? Even if we really have to break up, there should be a clear reason and a clear goodbye, right? How can there be such a person in the world?
Doesn't Zhou Jianxing have a heart? Can't she feel pain?
She felt like a stray dog that Wen Lingyi picked up on a whim. When she was happy, she would wave at her, tease her a few times, and give her a little cheap warmth. She would then willingly wag her tail at her master and offer all her loyalty and dependence.
When he was unhappy, he would kick her away and throw her aside completely. No matter how she whimpered in pain, Wen Lingyi would not even look at her.
Even if she died, she should at least die with understanding, right? What was the point of such inexplicable cold treatment and abandonment?
Resentment and grievance swirled in his chest. Zhou Jianxing dialed the number again and again, almost paranoidly. But the only answer from the receiver was the same electronic female voice, repeating the cold busy tone in a flat voice.
Even the mobile phone number was completely blocked.
What is this? A one-sided, complete disconnection and the cold shoulder?
Zhou Jianxing felt as if his blood had been blocked at the source of his heart and could no longer be pumped to his limbs.
My heart felt suffocated and tight, almost exploding.
She doesn't want anything now, no forgiveness, no reconciliation, she just wants a reason.
Why do you treat her like this?
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