Both ends of the heart
Wen Lingyi practically dragged her feet into the house. With every step, the blisters on her heels, caused by the hard uppers of her shoes, felt like being pricked repeatedly by red-hot needles.
The pain in the joints between the bones of my feet felt like broken glass.
She threw herself onto the sofa, the expensive leather making a dull groan.
Staring at the intricate crystal chandelier on the ceiling, Wen Lingyi didn't understand why she agreed to go for a walk with Zhou Jianxing.
For that pitiful, expectant look? For... that false sense of companionship? It was truly a living hell.
The steam in the bathroom couldn't dispel the weariness etched in her bones or the sharp pain in her feet. She pricked the blisters and rubbed the minty-scented ointment onto the broken skin, drawing a chill from her breath.
I changed into silky pajamas and let myself sink into the ridiculously large bed. The silk sheets felt cold against my skin, and the feeling of emptiness crept up silently like an icy tide, covering my ankles, knees, chest, and finally my mouth and nose.
It was so quiet, so quiet that I could hear the noise of blood rushing through my veins, like the whistling of wind in an empty pipe.
She closed her eyes, and Zhou Jianxing's face immediately emerged in the darkness. Those eyes, outlined with brown eyeliner, seemed rounder and brighter. Under the dim light by the river, they were instantly covered with a layer of moisture the moment she pulled her hand away—like a wet cub, dazed and hurt.
And that sticky, trembling line, "I like you...not just that kind of like."
So sincere... like a fool. Like a fool who takes out his heart, holds it bloody in front of you, and is afraid that you don't like it.
An inexplicable irritation welled up in me, mixed with a deeper, more hidden desire.
She began to miss Zhou Jianxing's warmth. It wasn't the scorching heat of lust, but a constant warmth that carried the breath of a living being. When he pressed against her, it felt like a warm, breathing piece of jade.
In Wen Lingyi's carefully played, gorgeous yet cold, dreamlike life, Zhou Jianxing is the only bit of reality she can grasp.
That real beating heartbeat was right next to her ear, boom, boom, boom, every beat was shouting, look, someone's heart is beating for you.
If that little fool were here right now... Wen Lingyi's fingers unconsciously clutched the cold sheets. She would probably cling to that warm body from behind, like a drowning person clinging to driftwood.
She would bury her face in Zhou Jianxing's neck, which smelled sweet of cheap shampoo, listening to the strong, slightly rapid heartbeat, and counting the regular pulse. Perhaps, this way she could get a good night's sleep?
This thought was like a dangerous will-o'-the-wisp that instantly spread across the wilderness.
Wen Lingyi's eyes snapped open, her pupils adjusting to the blurry light and shadow in the darkness. She raised her hand and rubbed her brows vigorously, as if trying to erase the image from her mind.
Dangerous. Too dangerous.
If she hadn't worn that damn torture device while walking by the river... She stared at her feet, which were coated with ointment and gleamed slightly in the dark.
What if... we could walk a little further? Just like that, the two of them, silent, just side by side, listening to the gurgling sound of the river, feeling the presence of another person beside them...
That feeling, like... like what? Like a spring of fresh air briefly pouring into stagnant water.
She shook her head vigorously, and her hair brushed against her cheeks, making her feel a little itchy. She couldn't think about it anymore.
When the game was over, when Zhou Jianxing left her life, she would eventually get used to it again. She would get used to this empty cage, this bed so cold it could freeze someone to death. She would get used to this long, quiet, stagnant life.
In fact, this is how people are. The more they fear separation, the more they subconsciously presuppose the outcome of separation.
Her phone screen suddenly lit up in the darkness, the faint blue light stinging her eyes. It was a message from Zhou Jianxing. A WeChat message asking if she'd made it home safely. She hadn't had time to reply, so Zhou Jianxing sent it again.
Is this genuine concern? Or is it just... a formality?
Her fingers were stiff as she typed:
"We're home, don't worry."
As soon as the message was sent, the next one popped up impatiently:
Xingxing: "I'm glad we're home"
Xingxing: "Did Sister Wen have a good time tonight? Can we have dinner together in the future?"
Are you happy?
Wen Lingyi was stunned. An image flashed through her mind of Zhou Jianxing in a white dress, sitting quietly by the window, like a lily blossoming on its own. Beneath her crude, clumsy makeup, her eyes shone startlingly bright.
Of course... I was happy. Except for that jarring "early 30s."
She subconsciously touched her cheek. Her skin was still firm and smooth, but somewhere in her heart, a cold voice reminded her that her youth had long since passed like quicksand and water, leaving no extra time to waste. Her heart could not bear to be broken again.
How can people be so stupid as to repeat the same mistakes?
So, no. We can’t “eat together later.”
Keep your distance.
It was like dancing on the edge of a cliff; one more step would mean she would be shattered to pieces. She was afraid she would actually... fall in.
But how can I reply without making Zhou Jianxing sad?
She really didn't want to see Zhou Jianxing's hurt expression and his misty eyes.
His fingertips hovered above the screen, carefully considering the words to reply.
Shuiyue Gallery - Wen Lingyi: "I'm happy. Let's have dinner together again if we have time."
Zhou Jianxing on the other side of the screen clearly didn't understand the cold refusal. An emoji of a wealthy, glittering old man popped up, then quickly retreated as if it had been burned.
Then came a line of words, with such joy that it almost overflowed the screen.
Xingxing: "I'm super, super happy too! I love eating with Sister Wen!"
Xingxing: "How about we have dinner together tomorrow night? Do you have time?"
Star: "(●''●)"
The last expression seemed like acting coquettishly and also like trying to please.
Wen Lingyi looked at the line "Super, super happy" and her throat seemed to be blocked by something, and her eye sockets swelled and became hot uncontrollably.
How can an adult's emotions still be as direct and honest as a child's, with a passion that can burn people to death?
Zhu Yang...the woman to whom she had once given her heart and soul, but who had never told her that she was "super happy" to be with her.
A trace of bitterness mixed with sharp pain suddenly pierced into my heart.
Su Qing's words rang in her ears like a ghost: "She looks a lot like you when you were young."
Wen Lingyi bit the soft flesh on the inside of her lower lip hard, tasting a hint of rust. She steeled herself and began to type.
Shuiyue Gallery - Wen Lingyi: "Tomorrow night is not possible. I have an appointment."
It wasn't an excuse. Chen Chiguan was very satisfied with the design she submitted and arranged a thank-you dinner for the next night.
She stared at the "The other party is typing..." that flashed repeatedly at the top of the screen. After a long time, a message with a crying face icon finally appeared with difficulty.
Star: "┭┮﹏┭┮"
Xingxing: "Sister Wen, who are you going to have dinner with?"
It's crossed the line.
Their relationship wasn't close enough to the point where they could interrogate each other's itineraries. Wen Lingyi frowned.
Shuiyue Gallery - Wen Lingyi: "A friend."
Even the most obtuse person would have sensed that she didn't want to continue this topic.
The reply was as cold as iron, and silence finally fell on the other side of the screen. A few minutes later, another message popped up.
Star: "Good night."
Wen Lingyi placed her phone, screen down, on the cold nightstand. The light from the screen went out completely, leaving only a thick, seemingly impenetrable darkness in the room. She closed her eyes.
That's it. Stop here.
·
The last bit of light on the phone screen went out, and Zhou Jianxing let go of his hand in despair. The phone slid to the side of his pillow with a dull sound.
That lonely "good night" was like a stone sinking into the sea.
Zhou Jianxing curled up like a shrimp abandoned by its tribe.
Is she being too clingy, like a sticky candy that won't go away?
What right did she have to ask? Who did Wen Lingyi eat with? Their relationship was hidden in the shadows, like a bitter melon rotting quietly in a corner in summer.
She hated bitter melon. But the bitterness that filled her heart at that moment seemed a hundred times more intense than chewing the raw bitter melon pulp. The bitterness, like thorns, pricked her, sending her into a frenzy of thoughts: Was it a boy or a girl? What was their relationship? Could it be... like them?
This thought popped into my mind uncontrollably.
Zhou Jianxing suddenly raised her hand and twisted it hard on the soft flesh on the inside of her thigh. The sharp pain made her gasp and her body bounce.
Her skin must have turned blue. Served her right! How could she think of Wen Lingyi like that? How could she use such a dirty imagination to speculate about her?
Then, huge regret and self-blame overwhelmed her like a tide.
Should I have refused to go to her house tonight? Did she misinterpret her refusal as something she didn't like? Did she not like being touched like that? Did she not like the way she made her feel physically?
No. None of them.
She liked Wen Lingyi. She liked the warmth of her fingertips, the scent of her breath brushing against her ears, and the feeling she gave her that made her soul tremble.
The body is honest. It blooms under Wen Lingyi's touch, like a flower that has been lacking water for a long time.
Next time... next time, I will never refuse.
Zhou Jianxing buried his hot cheeks in the slightly cool pillow, and his fingers unconsciously clutched the sheets tightly.
Wen Lingyi liked her body. Wen Lingyi also praised her beauty tonight and asked her to... dress up more in the future.
What exactly did Wen Lingyi feel about her? Was that love real? Although he said so, she felt like she was dreaming and couldn't believe it.
Perhaps, Wen Lingyi really liked her, but just not that much.
Whether it was the sense of boundary in the address or the fact that she pulled her hand back tonight, she felt that Wen Lingyi didn't like her that much.
Fear crept up on her, instantly tightening around her heart and making it hard for her to breathe. She was afraid that this tiny, weak feeling of "liking" would slip away silently like sand between her fingers.
Zhou Jianxing felt that he had to do something.
Before Wen Lingyi stops liking her, let her like herself a little more. Even just a little bit.
She used her body, her obedience, and everything she could to prolong the life of this pitiful "like", just like tremblingly adding the last bit of oil to an oil lamp that would eventually go out.
In the darkness, Zhou Jianxing couldn't help but reach out again, groping for the phone beside her pillow. She flicked on the screen, the glare making her squint. But the WeChat icon was clean. No new red dot.
Wen Lingyi is probably...already asleep.
Then she should... go to sleep. Zhou Jianxing stuffed the phone under the pillow, turned over, faced the cold wall, and opened his eyes wide.
The darkness was like thick ink, enveloping her and swallowing her.
Wen Lingyi, can you like her a little more?
She still couldn't help being greedy.
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