Even if I love you
The journey from Lanyue Bay to home felt like a long, blurry dream. Zhou Jianxing had no idea how he'd gotten to the gate of the Lanyue Bay residential complex, boarded a taxi, or mechanically climbed the stairs and opened the door.
It was as if her soul had completely left her body after that thrilling kiss in the bathroom, and only now, with a cold tremor, was it slowly returning to this numb body.
incredible.
She forcefully kissed Mrs. Wen, and she responded, even... allowing her to do more. Of these two things, she didn't know which was more terrifying. Was it her loss of control and transgression... or Mrs. Wen's tacit approval and connivance?
She can't tell the difference.
Mrs. Wen said, "Go on," and "Don't run away from me." So could she... continue? The thought had just occurred to her, and it carried a devastating allure.
It was like a gamble with a predetermined outcome, and she couldn't even see what her chips were. The only thing she could bet on was her own heart that had already fallen.
Even Zhou Jianxing didn't know what else she would lose in this gamble.
What she wants is never a short-lived pleasure that can’t be seen in public, but a legitimate relationship with a future.
There is no future between her and Wen Lingyi, unless... Wen Lingyi divorces him.
Would Wen Lingyi be willing to divorce for her? And could she allow herself to destroy someone else's family to fulfill her love? The wall of marriage between her and Wen Lingyi made her dare not take another step forward.
However, no matter what, Zhou Jianxing had already indulged his feelings. Thinking of this, he seemed to feel the cold and hard touch of the diamond ring on his cheek again, accompanied by the gentle caress of Wen Lingyi's fingertips.
Her body, which had indulged in emotions, remembered the gentle and affectionate feeling, but her sober mind was whipping her again and again with the cold reality - she had betrayed the education she had received and the beliefs she had held for more than 20 years.
·
At dinner, Zhou Jianxing sat at the table, like a puppet, still lost in thought. Her parents' worried gazes and the aroma of the home-cooked meals seemed to be blocked by a thick layer of frosted glass. She was completely immersed in her own world.
Her mind was filled with the chaotic breathing in the bathroom, the softness of Wen Lingyi's lips, the charming spring scenery when the shoulder straps slipped off, and the words "Keep doing it" that were as tempting as a spell... They were like a runaway projector, playing in her mind on a loop.
"Xingxing, what are you thinking about?" Mother Zhou Shufen's voice was filled with deep worry.
This morning, Zhou Jianxing finally moved out all the flower seedlings that filled his house. But when he came back, he looked distraught and was absent-minded while eating.
When asked what she did early in the morning, she just said that she took a gardening job. When asked about the details, she stammered and couldn't tell me.
At this moment, Zhou Jianxing was holding a piece of water spinach at her mouth, staring at the edge of the bowl with empty eyes, her mouth slightly open. The vegetable was cold under her fingertips, but she was completely unaware.
"No... I wasn't thinking anything." Zhou Jianxing snapped back to her senses, her chopsticks twitching as the water spinach fell back into her bowl. Guilty, she put down her chopsticks and looked at the barely touched rice in her bowl. Suddenly, she lost all appetite, a wave of nausea washing over her, making her want to escape.
"Dad, Mom, I'm full. Take your time eating." She hurriedly pushed the bowl away, stood up, pulled out the stool, turned around and walked quickly towards the bathroom.
Zhou Jianjun and Zhou Shufen looked at each other, their eyes filled with solemnity and deep uneasiness.
"My daughter has been acting really strange lately." Zhou Shufen winked at her husband, signaling that he couldn't let her go on like this any longer.
"Xingxing," Zhou Jianjun also put down his bowl and chopsticks, his voice carrying a rare seriousness, "Come back first. Dad wants to talk to you."
However, Zhou Jianxing was in no mood to talk at the moment. She didn't even dare to talk to Zhou Jianjun.
She is not a good daughter. She is a bad child.
She dreaded the worried, searching gazes of her father and mother, which, like searchlights, left her with nowhere to hide. She would only feel utterly ashamed and mortified. She feared she would collapse under their gaze.
From childhood to adulthood, her parents educated her with the simplest principles, telling her to be honest and do her duty, and to establish a correct view of marriage and love.
They taught her to live with a clear conscience. They never taught her how to be a third party, how to interfere in other people's marriages, or how to build her happiness on the pain of another. They also set a good example, and the two of them supported each other for half of their lives, and never cheated.
Zhou Jianxing's rebellious period was brief, almost negligible. She was the kind of well-behaved, well-behaved child whose most rebellious moments were merely talking back to her teachers and secretly reporting the school for offering extra classes on weekends.
She had always wholeheartedly subscribed to her parents' educational philosophy, believing that people should be honest, upright, and kind. However, her current actions completely contradicted the underlying code of her life, and this immense sense of rift left her feeling almost suffocated by the pain.
"Dad, Mom, I'm tired. I don't want to chat now." In the end, Zhou Jianxing paused for a moment, and after saying this, he rushed into the bathroom almost as if escaping, and then locked the door with a "click".
·
The small space isolated her from the external pressures, but it couldn't shield her from the turmoil within. She leaned against the cold door, panting rapidly. After a long moment, she finally dragged her heavy feet to the sink.
A painful and confused face was reflected in the mirror. Zhou Jianxing's gaze fell uncontrollably on his lips - where the soft touch of Wen Lingyi's lips and the sweet fruity aroma seemed to still linger.
The touch and smell made her feel itchy all over as if ants were crawling on her, and the source of the itch came from her restless heart.
That feeling was unforgettable, and she was unconsciously recalling it at this moment.
This was her first kiss, kissed so gently, lingeringly, and indulgently by Mrs. Wen's sweet lips. It felt too good to be true, leaving a rich, indelible mark in her otherwise barren emotional experience. She thought she would remember this kiss for the rest of her life.
She kissed Wen Lingyi, and Wen Lingyi responded to her kiss and even guided her hand... Does this mean that Mrs. Wen also likes her... a little bit?
Does this mean that the previous ambiguous feelings, the temptations that made her anxious and worried, were not just her illusions?
But—this isn't right! Zhou Jianxing shook her head violently, digging her nails into her palms, trying to use the pain to wake her mind. This isn't right; she has a husband. Her sense of morality was like a heavy shackle, strangling her so hard she couldn't breathe.
She should dissuade Mrs. Wen, remind her that she is married, and end this abnormal relationship between the two.
But love has already taken root in her heart and is growing wildly and uncontrollably, about to break through all the shackles of reason, making her lose all resistance to the instinctive call of life.
Wen Lingyi's fragile and commanding words, "Don't run away from me," echoed in her ears again and again.
The dark voice in my heart was also clamoring wildly: Just sink into it, throw away all constraints, and just follow your inner thoughts; just cross that line, no matter what identity you are in, and stay by Mrs. Wen's side.
As long as he could be with Wen Lingyi, did anything else matter? As long as he could be close to Wen Lingyi again, touch her, kiss her, it would be worth it, even if he had to accept the judgment of the whole world.
But she couldn't do that.
Of course, the relationship is not just about the two of them. There is also an innocent man involved, Mrs. Wen's husband, a man whose name and face she does not know, but who really exists.
It was he who made Wen Lingyi willingly wear the ring and sign a lifelong contract.
An inexplicable, sharp hatred suddenly pierced the vague image of the man.
Why? Why did he make Mrs. Wen feel lonely and isolated? Why couldn't he spend more time with her, love her more, and make her happy?
Zhou Jianxing hated him, hated him for making Wen Lingyi unhappy.
And the next step is that she should find an excuse for herself.
For example, since Mrs. Wen's husband couldn't make her happy, why couldn't she take his place and stay by her side, filling the void in Wen Lingyi's heart caused by his absence?
Maybe Mrs. Wen's husband had already cheated on her. Otherwise, how could he have the heart to leave a woman as beautiful as Mrs. Wen to wither away in loneliness in the country? If it were me... Zhou Jianxing's heart ached. If it were me, I would definitely not be willing to leave Mrs. Wen alone. I would definitely be by her side all the time.
Maybe... there was an irreparable crack in Mrs. Wen's marriage itself, and her appearance was just a catalyst?
Even without her intervention, this marriage was doomed to fall apart?
Zhou Jianxing shamefully and darkly found a suitable excuse for himself.
Because she really couldn't refuse Wen Lingyi's words, "Zhou Jianxing, don't suddenly appear in my life and then suddenly leave me." She wanted to stay so much, she wanted to stay with Wen Lingyi, she wanted to see Wen Lingyi every day.
She wanted so much to indulge in Wen Lingyi's fatal tenderness, and this desire was pulling her into an unknown abyss.
I can't think about it anymore.
Zhou Jianxing turned on the faucet, letting the icy cold water hit her cheeks and hands. The chill made her shiver, and it barely extinguished the restlessness in her heart.
Zhou Jianxing's consciousness was like a fragment of debris sinking into the deep sea, slowly and heavily rising to the surface. But the moment her sanity was pieced together again, a cold fear overwhelmed her like a tsunami.
What was she doing? She was trying to indulge herself, letting the situation slide into a more dangerous and irreversible situation.
All the speculation about Mrs. Wen's marital status is, in fact, just a fantasy she fabricates to alleviate her guilt. If this continues, and Wen Lingyi's marriage really breaks down, will she be the cause or the effect? Who can tell?
Even though she had never been married, she vaguely understood that marriage involved far more than just two people. It involved two families, complex social relationships, and a tangled web of interests.
What qualifications and power did she have to shake all this? Was she worthy of Wen Lingyi giving up everything for her? This thought alone made her panic.
Reason and emotion were pulling at her tightly and tightly, stretching her nerves into a thin thread that could break at any moment, causing her temples to throb and ache dully.
Zhou Jianxing picked up the towel and wiped his face roughly, and cold water droplets flowed down his neck into his collar.
She looked up at the wet, bloodless face in the mirror. The person's eyes were empty, lost, and filled with a deep sense of self-loathing. This person... was becoming increasingly unfamiliar, less and less like the Zhou Jianxing she knew.
Zhou Jianxing took a deep breath, tried to straighten his back which seemed to be crushed by something, and then opened the bathroom door.
In the living room, my parents were still sitting at the dining table, the atmosphere was gloomy, and the food on the table had already gone cold.
She didn't dare look her parents in the eye. She lowered her head, like a child who had done something wrong, and silently began to clean up the dishes. The slight sound of the dishes colliding was particularly harsh in the silent living room.
She could feel her parents' heavy gazes resting on her, filled with silent questioning and worry. Those glances were like needles, piercing her, making her feel uneasy and unable to move. She could only speed up her movements, using busyness to mask her inner panic.
At this moment, any concern or temptation from her parents may become the last straw that breaks the camel's back.
Finally, after cleaning up, Zhou Jianxing took the dishes and hid in the kitchen. The running water washed away the grease, giving her chaotic brain a moment of respite. Amidst the sound of the running water, she forced herself to empty her mind.
·
By the time she finally finished washing the dishes, the living room was empty and her parents had gone back to their room.
Zhou Jianxing's tense nerves finally relaxed a little, and he let out a long, silent sigh.
I walked to the living room window. Outside, the sky was terribly gloomy. Thick, dark clouds hung low over the city, brewing a rainstorm. The air was so hot and stuffy that it was hard to breathe.
She walked to the balcony, hurriedly took in the clothes that were hanging out to dry, and returned to her room with her arms full of clothes that were still warm from the sun.
She took a hot shower, trying to wash away her fatigue and confusion, but those chaotic thoughts were like a thorn in her tarsal bone, tightly wrapped around her. Lying in bed, in the darkness, more sharp questions came to her like a tidal wave.
What exactly is her relationship with Wen Lingyi? She can't even find a definition.
Where was the future? It was pitch black. She saw no way out.
Zhou Jianxing doesn't know how to handle and deal with complex emotional issues, which makes her extremely confused.
It turns out that human reason cannot control emotions. She has never realized this so clearly.
She was as clumsy as a toddler, confused and panicked, not knowing what would hit her head and make her bleed.
Let go, get out of here, Zhou Jianxing, you have no future. Her shaky rationality still refused to persuade Zhou Jianxing, as the uncertainty made her panic instinctively.
After living a regular life for more than 20 years, she was suddenly thrown into a completely unknown vortex full of taboos and dangers, which made her subconsciously want to escape.
Because she loves Wen Lingyi so much, she even wants to throw away all her principles for him. But if she really chooses to give up everything and jump into the abyss, and he finally pulls away, how will she face her broken heart and messy life?
If she never had it, how could she be afraid of losing it?
“Boom——!”
A deafening thunder ripped through the gloomy night sky without warning. The pale lightning instantly illuminated the entire room, but was quickly swallowed by deeper darkness.
The rain finally came.
Zhou Jianxing was so frightened that her whole body trembled. She had been afraid of thunder since she was a child. At this moment, she subconsciously covered her head tightly with the quilt, covered her ears with her hands, curled up into a ball, her body trembling slightly, waiting for the next thunder to crush her eardrums.
Just then, there was a gentle knock on the door.
Zhou Jianxing's heart skipped a beat and he hesitantly lifted a corner of the quilt.
At the door was my mother. She was holding her pillow and quilt, a look of undisguised worry on her face. "Xingxing, it's thundering. Mom will sleep with you tonight."
Zhou Jianxing's nose felt sore, and her eyes instantly warmed. Her mother always knew what she needed. She quickly lifted a corner of the quilt.
Zhou Shufen walked in, put down the pillow and quilt, lay down naturally beside Zhou Jianxing, and gently hugged her curled up daughter in her arms.
Zhou Jianxing huddled in her mother's arms, hugged her mother's warm waist tightly, and buried her face deeply in the arms with the familiar soap scent. She felt a sense of security in such a warm and seemingly all-embracing arms, but what followed was an bottomless sense of guilt.
Her heart was filled with unspeakable desires and struggles for another married woman. This hidden filthiness made her feel ashamed.
Zhou Shufen's hands, roughened by the years, caressed her daughter's soft hair with incomparable tenderness.
Her heart was also heavy with the weight of a mountain.
Her daughter's recent changes were too obvious. Her distraught look, her deliberate and silent avoidance, tore her heart as a mother. She didn't know what had happened to her daughter that caused her so much pain. And she couldn't even share her burden.
"Alas..." A thousand words choked at her throat, ultimately fading into a heavy, lingering sigh. Zhou Jianjun was right; their daughter had grown up, had her own concerns, and was now capable of facing the ups and downs on her own. As parents, no matter how worried they were, they could only wait—for the day their daughter was willing to open up.
All they can do is to be the ever-strong dam behind their daughter, and provide a harbor where she can dock and heal when she is beaten all over by the wind and waves.
Zhou Shufen tightened her arms and hugged her daughter tighter, as if to pass on her strength and protection to dispel all her haze.
The thunder was still roaring outside the window, and raindrops were crackling against the window, but in his mother's warm embrace, Zhou Jianxing's tense nerves finally relaxed a little, and his tears silently soaked his mother's clothes.
The road ahead is confusing, but at least at this moment, she is not alone.
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