The world is drunk
She said softly, "When the Sima family was still at its peak, Aunt Yao knew to feign madness to avoid disaster. She was truly magnanimous and had great foresight."
Sima Yao glanced at her in surprise, then broke into her brightest smile and said with a gentle smile, "You are probably the only person in the world who doesn't curse me. It's a pity that the tomb keeper is forbidden from drinking, otherwise I would definitely have a big drink with you."
She added, “However, my behavior at the time was largely due to my resentment towards my father. He always wanted a son, but my mother was unable to bear him one. Then he kept taking concubines, and my mother was not a gentle person either. His household was often filled with open and covert struggles, and turbulent waters. But the result was obvious: my mother won.”
A-Qiu asked, "Why did your mother win?"
Sima Yao said calmly, "Over the years, no matter how many concubines and beauties my father brought in, none of them ever left alive; nor could any of them bear him a son. In the end, he only had me, his eldest legitimate daughter. Isn't that a victory for my mother?"
A Qiu fell silent instantly, feeling that the cruelty of the power struggles within the inner quarters of noble families far exceeded her imagination.
Sima Yao said, "At first, my mother raised me with the hope that I would be virtuous and chaste so that I could find a good marriage in the future. However, I have seen too many of my mother's methods of controlling servants and forcing concubines, and it is really..." She couldn't help but laugh and said, "It makes it hard for me to really take the virtues and precepts of women seriously. After all, if my mother relied on being chaste and gentle, she would have died a thousand times over in my father's inner courtyard."
When A Qiu thought of the contradictions in how the Princess of Langya raised her daughter, he couldn't help but smile bitterly.
She hoped her daughter would be clever and innocent, pleasing her future husband's family; yet she also knew that this was not the true way to survive.
Sima Yao said, "Later, she discovered that my father liked my literary skills and swordsmanship, so she let me be. Moreover, my martial arts talent is excellent, and my father regards me as his successor. This relationship stabilized my position in my father's heart, so my mother no longer bound me with the requirements of a typical young lady. In her opinion, as long as I win the favor of my elder brother and father and secure my supreme position as the Princess of Langya, nothing else matters. Whether I can do needlework or not, whether I am gentle or not, is not important."
A Qiu remained silent.
It turns out that even though Sima Yao seemed to have grown up spoiled by his father and brothers, living a life of luxury and privilege, he also had many hidden difficulties that were difficult for outsiders to know.
She used to feel that she had grown up in Lanling Hall, all alone, without the warmth of family. Later, whenever she went into the city and saw the smoke rising from the gray walls and thatched houses, and the lights shining in the bamboo fences, she would occasionally feel envious, wondering what a warm and happy scene it must be for a family to gather under the lamp.
The people in Lanling Hall, such as the eldest and second eldest brothers, never mentioned their origins, nor did they ever discuss the concept of "family"—they all pretended to be adults very well, and adults accept reality and don't ask about their backgrounds. She had no chance to ask them to dispel her doubts.
It wasn't until she entered the palace that she had the opportunity to meet other people. But of all the people she has known so far, only Pei Yu has both parents and grew up in a loving environment.
Although Crown Prince Xie Tiao held a prestigious position, he had grown up in the deep palace since childhood, always living in fear and trembling. While he was not lacking in the protection of power, he lacked emotional connection.
Shangguan Yuqi possesses superb swordsmanship and an ethereal grace, yet she is actually all alone within her family.
General Fan Liancheng, without a doubt, grew up in a similar environment to A Qiu herself. She grew up in a military camp and lived with her adopted sisters in military tents from a young age, receiving training from her adoptive mother. Naturally, it was more like Lanling Hall than a home.
Xiao Chang'an also stood out in the family with his own talent. He once said that if he had not worked hard, he would probably still be dependent on his uncles and live a life of subservience.
There was only one Pei Yu. Because she was Pei Yuanli's only daughter, she never had to deal with household troubles and could be a bit willful and domineering.
But Pei Yu had only recently lost her father.
These people were already considered superior by ordinary people, let alone ordinary or even poor families who suffered from war, displacement, and extortion by government officials and bullying by soldiers even in peaceful years.
Perhaps the warm family and ideal picture of kinship that she envisions are never as easily attainable or common as people imagine. On the contrary, they are extremely rare and precious luxuries in this world.
For example, at this moment, she and Sima Yao, one older and one younger, are facing each other and can speak sincerely and freely. Such moments are rare in the lives of both of them.
Seeing that A Qiu remained silent, Sima Yao asked, "What are you thinking about?"
Ah Qiu answered very slowly, "I don't have parents myself, so I always thought that having parents to protect me would make me much happier. But after hearing about Aunt Yao's story, I realized that it's not that simple."
Sima Yao smiled and said, "Parents are merely a helper, not the world itself. Everyone must ultimately walk their own path. More likely, being your true self begins with defying heaven and earth."
Aqiu asked, "Aunt Yao, did your later rebellious behavior also stem from disappointment in your father and mother?"
Sima Yao took a deep breath and said, "Yes! No matter if I am virtuous and gentle or talented in both literature and martial arts, the best outcome my mother could raise me to be could never surpass what she herself would achieve; that is, to marry a powerful and influential man like my father. But I have grown up in this kind of life since I was a child, and I know all too well what kind of life this is. I have no motivation to strive for it."
Thinking of the struggles that Princess Langya had faced with her husband and other women throughout her life, and how she had tried to control him so that he had no children, A Qiu couldn't help but sigh.
Sima Yao continued, "As for my father, my disappointment in him probably precedes his disappointment in me. In his eyes, his wives, concubines, and children are nothing more than pawns to be controlled and manipulated. I am well aware that he has ambitions to contend for the throne, but since he has no son, these ambitions are meaningless. In the beginning, I practiced literature, horseback riding, and swordsmanship. Because I devised a unique approach, I received unanimous praise from the court officials and His Majesty. He thought this brought him honor, so he meticulously taught me swordsmanship and martial arts, determined to make me the most outstanding lady in the Sima family."
She smiled bitterly and said, "But later, I went further and further astray, dressing up as a man and frequenting brothels, gambling and drinking like others. Actually, I just wanted him to understand that I, Sima Yao, also have the good qualities that a son should have; but I can also have the flaws that a son might have. Besides, he does it himself, so why can't I?"
A Qiu understood her thoughts perfectly. The handsome, intelligent, and talented Prince Langya might believe that his unfulfilled ambitions stemmed from his lack of a son. But even if he did have a son, would he necessarily be a dissolute playboy indulging in cockfighting and dog racing?
What exactly is it that he expects from his children?
Ah Qiu said softly, "You must have been very lonely when you were young, Aunt Yao."
Sima Yao suddenly opened her eyes wide, looking at her with a puzzled expression.
Ah Qiu said, "Because the whole world is drunk while you are the only one sober, you are consciously sinking into depravity in the air of the end times."
Sima Yao smiled slightly, then said listlessly, "Back then, the only person I could talk to was my elder brother, Sima Yan. Actually, my brother and I were kindred spirits. He said more than once that if I were a man, he would rather give the throne to me than have to endure the daily abuse of those loyal and upright officials. Ha!"
A Qiu never expected that Sima Yan's favor towards Sima Yao was not just a formality, but also a genuine expression of his feelings.
Sima Yao explained, “My elder brother is actually martial and resolute, but handling political affairs is far from his forte. In the past, when his father was on the throne, many matters were decided by the former Grand Secretary. After he ascended the throne, he couldn’t understand many things, nor could he deal with the arguments and questions from the court officials, so he simply followed his father’s example and stopped caring. But Uncle Dezong is not very talented, and the old ministers knew this from the beginning. As long as he sits on the throne, the old ministers are content as long as he doesn’t cause trouble. But with a new emperor on the throne, people have some expectations for him, after all, he will be on the throne for fifty, sixty or even longer. How can the court officials accept him retiring so early?”
Thinking of the times Sima Yan had invited her to drink until they were drunk in the palace, she smiled bitterly and said, "The less he cared, the less likely he was to succeed. When the former Grand Secretary was in court, he could still manage. But after the former Grand Secretary left the court, the situation became increasingly chaotic. The more he hid in the inner palace, the more he was criticized. So he simply dismissed all the honest officials who criticized him and only used sycophants who said things that pleased him. As a result, everyone in the court was only concerned with currying favor and dared not report disasters or rebellions from below, nor dared to ask him to handle matters. Later, when the situation deteriorated beyond repair, he started killing indiscriminately. So... you can imagine the result."
A Qiu thought that Sima Yan's reign lasted only seven years. In the first five years, Shangguan Jin was still in power. In the last two years, he was given a total of seventeen bottles of Qianji Powder, the most in the history of the Southern Dynasties. This was Sima Yan's tyrannical means after he had exhausted all other options.
For some reason, even though the conversation was about the past dynasties, a sense of melancholy gradually permeated the atmosphere of the gathering.
Suddenly, for some unknown reason, A Qiu asked in a low voice, "The former Grand Chancellor... must have hoped that Empress Shangguan would help him manage the affairs of the court and the harem. She is so intelligent... if she had been willing to help, Sima Yan probably wouldn't have ended up in such a mess."
For reasons unknown, she suddenly wanted to know more about the relationship between Empress Shangguan and Sima Yan from Sima Yao's perspective.
Sima Yao said dismissively, "You mean Sister Yanxiu? The former Grand Chancellor and Uncle Dezong probably think that way, because they are from the older generation and firmly believe that fate can be arranged and everything can be forced. Ha!"
Ah Qiu couldn't help but laugh when she heard what she said was funny.
Sima Yao continued, "In my opinion, this is a complete blunder. These two are simply incompatible. I don't mingle with daughters of high-ranking families, so I don't know Yanxiu well, but based on my impressions from the last one or two meetings, Yanxiu seems gentle but is extremely opinionated; she simply doesn't like those she doesn't like. As for my brother, he and I have similar personalities. Although we are both unsuccessful in both literature and martial arts, and ambitious but lacking in talent, we are the ones who are always the ones being flattered, never the ones who have to flatter others! You can imagine the outcome if these two were to get together."
A Qiu had never met anyone like Sima Yao before, who had such a deep understanding of himself, was not afraid to admit his shortcomings, and lived such a bright and clear life. A Qiu couldn't help but admire and respect him even more.
Unable to contain himself, he said, "I also regret that there is no wine today, otherwise I would definitely toast Aunt Yao with a big cup!"
She then asked in surprise, "Given Aunt Yao's temperament, how could she be so steadfast in adhering to the Shangguan family's strict rules? The rules for the tomb keeper forbid it, so why don't you secretly brew some wine and hide it away to drink by yourself?"
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