Chapter 45 Don't be afraid, I'm here.
"Why don't you rest for a while?" The little merman led Luo Qingyan to sit down on the sofa. "I'll get you a glass of water. There's no rush to eat dinner."
Luo Qingyan did not reply, seemingly still immersed in the shock of seeing the cat give birth.
The little male merman poured a cup of hot water and handed it to Luo Qingyan. Luo Qingyan took it blankly, drank two sips, and then stopped moving, his eyes glazed over, completely expressionless.
The little merman sat with her for a while, then felt he couldn't continue like this, so he spoke again: "Are you hungry? How about we have dinner?"
Luo Qingyan's eyes trembled slightly, as if she had suddenly come to her senses. She looked at the little male merman and said, "Okay."
Then, the little male fish pulled Luo Qingyan to sit down at the dining table.
The food on the table looked and smelled delicious, but Luo Qingyan picked up her chopsticks but had no desire to eat anything. She even felt a faint urge to vomit, and she couldn't help but frown.
"Don't you want to eat these dishes? How about I make you some porridge?" the little merman asked softly, and then stood up.
"No need!" Luo Qingyan said, glancing at the little male merman as she picked up some food with her chopsticks. "I can eat it, but I don't have much of an appetite."
The little male merman didn't get up again, but looked worried: "Then try to eat a little first. Don't force yourself. Eat as much as you can, even just two or three bites. Just don't go hungry."
"Okay." Luo Qingyan had already picked up some food. She picked up vegetables, chewed them a couple of times, and swallowed them. She did the same for the next few bites of food, not finding them delicious at all, as if she was forcing herself to complete a task.
She knew it wasn't good to skip dinner, and the little merman would worry about her, so no matter how uncomfortable she felt or how nauseous she was, she had to force herself to eat a few bites. But she could only manage a few bites; she felt so nauseous that eating any more would really make her throw up.
"I...can't eat anymore." She put down her chopsticks, looking listless.
"Okay," the little merman said gently, "You've already eaten several bites, that's very good."
Luo Qingyan chuckled at the little male merman's earnest praise: "You're encouraging a child like this."
“You did a great job. Adults and children alike need encouragement.” The little merman put down his chopsticks, his eyes darting around. “I know you’re not feeling well because of the cat having kittens. Do you want to tell me about it?”
Luo Qingyan was heartbroken and felt like crying: "Yes, I'm very sad... indescribably sad. The image of the kitten coming out of... the big cat's body keeps replaying in my mind, I can't get it out of my head. And that image... makes me very... uncomfortable..."
"Is it because witnessing the birth of life is not easy that you feel sad?" the little male merman tried to guide him. "Or is it the bloody scene of childbirth that you find shocking?"
“Both.” Luo Qingyan took a deep breath. “I… I was thinking… Humans have always cared a lot about dignity, and most people spend their whole lives fighting for so-called dignity and face. But once they get to the hospital… not to mention death, many times some examinations make people lose all dignity.”
Luo Qingyan choked up as she spoke: "But, to live, you have to go through all that... It seems... It seems like hospitals can break people down and rebuild them, smash them to pieces, and it's up to you to choose... Sometimes I think, what is the purpose of living... It's so painful, so hard, it would be better not to be born."
“Because of the laws of nature, because life itself is a miracle.” The little male merman adjusted his seat so that he could face Luo Qingyan and took his hand. “Just like the sea turtles and squid I told you about earlier, their lives may seem pitiful and unnecessary to some humans, but that’s how nature is. Everything continues because of instinct. Perhaps one day we will experience another mass extinction, but new life will always appear.”
“I understand. You said that compared to other creatures, humans have complex thinking, think a lot, and therefore have to endure more. Right now, I just… I just…” Luo Qingyan frowned and sighed, “I just feel that thinking too much is painful, and I feel that there is no solution, so it’s better not to… think.”
"What a wonderful thing it is to have something! Thinking brings far more benefits than harm to humankind." The little male merman spoke slowly and patiently. "You're just sick, so you've entered a dead end. Everything around you is bad, so naturally you can't think positively."
"Mermaids also think, why don't you... feel as pained as I do, yet also have a sense of detachment? How can one achieve this? Must one become a mermaid?"
"The detachment of mermaids is only from a human perspective. In reality, mermaids also experience intense emotional fluctuations when faced with certain situations in the ocean. Our lifestyles are different, our pursuits are different, which naturally leads to different ways of thinking. Moreover, after mermaids come ashore, they gradually approach humans, and there are indeed mermaids who, after coming ashore, do not want to return to the ocean."
Luo Qingyan's attention was drawn, and the uncomfortable feeling was somewhat dispelled: "Live on land for a thousand years?"
"No, mermaids have a limited time on land, usually equivalent to a human's lifetime. After they die as humans, they should return to the sea and become mermaids again. There have been mermaids who tried to extend their lifespan as humans, wanting to continue living on land as humans."
"Was it successful?"
"In a way, it was a success, extending life for a period of time, but in the end, it died completely as a human."
"Then... is that considered a miracle?"
"It's not a miracle, it's just a choice."
"Don't the mermaids think that mermaid should be punished? After all, he didn't return to the sea according to the normal procedure, but instead forcibly stayed on the shore, trying to prolong his life as a human."
"No. As long as they don't do anything that harms the merfolk, it's just a personal choice. Merfolk can choose the life they want."
"Is that so?" Luo Qingyan's eyes trembled slightly. "Mermaids are indeed very open-minded."
"You... need to rest." The little merman sensed that talking alone couldn't ease the other person's distress. "Why don't you go lie down on the bed for a while?"
Luo Qingyan was a mess inside and out; perhaps a good night's sleep was the best option. She nodded and said, "Okay."
Afterwards, Luo Qingyan went back to her room to sleep. The little male fish poured her a cup of hot water in a thermos so she could drink it anytime without being disturbed.
Then the little male merman went back to the restaurant for dinner, and then washed the dishes and cleaned up.
He understands that human emotions are complex and ever-changing. He can feel these emotions, but unfortunately, he cannot control them. There is very little he can do, and often humans need to take the initiative to find ways to change them.
In the past, he not only understood these principles, but he would also accept things as they are and face them with equanimity. Everything in the world has its own direction of progress, and even if death lies ahead, it is normal.
But now, he seems to be affected by Luo Qingyan's emotions as well. When the other party is in pain, his heart is also stirred and he feels pain as well.
It's hard to calm down.
-
Later that evening, the little merman returned to his room and went online to learn about how to help alleviate negative human emotions.
Just as he was reading a related article on psychoanalysis, he heard Luo Qingyan in the other bedroom get up to drink water. There was quite a bit of rustling noise, so the other person was probably feeling a little better.
He rushed out of his room as fast as he could and into Luo Qingyan's room: "Are you alright?"
Worried voices drifted through the air, and panic and helplessness flashed across Luo Qingyan's blank face. She had been covering her right hand with her left, and in a moment of panic, she wanted to close the drawer next to her, but when she reached into the drawer in a fluster, she felt that doing so would only make things more obvious.
She stopped what she was doing and sighed.
The scene before him shocked the little merman from the inside out. Luo Qingyan sat helplessly at the table, which was piled with medicines, open cardboard boxes, torn foil sheets, and bottles of all sizes. The open drawer was also full of medicines, a whole drawer full.
Just looking at that pile of medications is distressing, let alone having to take them daily, continuously, no matter how uncomfortable it is. Facing these medications not only reminds you that you are a patient, about to face death, but also evokes a sense of helplessness, as if these medications are the only thing connecting you to this world.
The people taking the medication have become numb.
Despite the numbing discomfort she felt from taking the medication, Ke Luo Qingyan still didn't want anyone to see her taking it. This was her most vulnerable and desperate moment; she wanted to bear it herself and didn't want to cause suffering to others.
When she stayed at her grandmother's house, she was really afraid of being found out by her grandmother. Even though her grandmother respected her privacy very much and would not enter her room or rummage through her things, she was still afraid, always worried that something bad would happen.
She has to take a lot of medicine every day, which takes more than a few seconds, and she is in pain and terrified at the same time.
Moving to Hefengting might be better, since the little male fish knows about her illness, and she feels she can be more at ease with herself.
However, at this very moment, when she was caught taking her medicine, the truth was that she was still panicked and wanted to hide all her pitiful and desperate feelings.
The little merman was stunned, his face unusually showing such obvious emotion. He felt his heart was extremely complicated, something he couldn't understand or sort out, as if he were being violently assaulted by a raging storm.
It took him a while to recover. But his heart was still unsettled; his body was screaming, and he seemed to be overwhelmed by impulse. He gritted his teeth and stepped forward to pull Luo Qingyan: "Shall we go to the sea now and form a contract?"
Luo Qingyan was startled by the little male merman's sudden behavior, and then her eyes filled with desolation. She withdrew her hand and said, "You, don't do this."
"I'm serious."
"Were you scared by these medicines and the way I looked when I took them?" Luo Qingyan turned her face away. "Actually, taking medicine is normal. I... just had a more serious condition, so I took more medicine."
“Yes, seeing you take your medicine for the first time really affected me, so I think we… can’t wait any longer. If we wait any longer, you’ll only suffer more and more, and I don’t want you to suffer.” The little merman’s eyes darkened. “If you’re in pain, I’ll be in pain too.”
Luo Qingyan's expression was complicated: "Hearing you say that, I...it hurts. It's precisely because I don't want the people around me to suffer from my illness and taking medicine that I've tried so hard to avoid it. But...I'm also relieved that you...your emotions are affected by me...I..." Luo Qingyan choked up a little as she spoke.
The little male merman reached out and stroked Luo Qingyan's face: "Let's go to the sea and make a pact, okay?"
Luo Qingyan's brow twitched slightly: "Does forming a contract not require the true love that mermaids understand?"
The little merman paused before saying, "Yes."
"Then how can you confirm that we can form a contract?"
"I love you, do you love me?"
Luo Qingyan was stunned for a moment, then his eyes darkened: "Are you... sure you really love me? And not just comforting me out of pity? I don't need comforting..."
"I'm sure."
Is this what the mermaids call true love?
"yes."
Despite receiving an affirmative answer from the little male merman, Luo Qingyan remained unconvinced. She lowered her head, saying, "True love... it's not that easy... We... thank you so much..."
The little male merman crouched down and grasped Luo Qingyan's hands with his own, speaking gently and sincerely: "I didn't lie to you, and I won't lie to you. Do you remember that strange dream you had? That... was actually mine... You can think of it as my spiritual world. Mermaids only allow others into their spiritual world when they are truly moved. You can explore my world and understand me more deeply."
"The spiritual...world?" Luo Qingyan raised her astonished eyes to look at the little male merman.
"You could think of it as my spiritual world, but it encompasses much more than that. It's a world that belongs entirely to me, private and important," the little male merman explained earnestly. "I didn't tell you before because you're not a merman, and I had no way of knowing if you were truly in love with me. I... didn't dare to say it... afraid it would be one-sided... Anyway, you don't need to worry about my feelings for you... So, what about you for me?"
Hearing the little male merman's explanation, Luo Qingyan was suddenly moved, but after the emotion came confusion: "I don't know... I don't know what true love is, I don't know how to define true love, I... I'm sorry, I really don't know. I... I'm so scared, scared that I won't be able to form a contract with you, that way... that way we'll have nothing..."
Luo Qingyan choked up and couldn't speak, a tear welling up in her eye and rolling down her cheek.
"Don't be afraid, I'm here." The little male merman leaned forward and kissed away the tears on Luo Qingyan's lips, then pulled him into his arms: "Then let's go to the beach together first. If possible, let's experience the world I live in, just like a trip, okay?"
Luo Qingyan was slightly taken aback, then nestled into the other's warm embrace: "Mmm."
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