Chapter 63 Don't come again next time.
Chapter Sixty
Shen Panyan's illness was not serious this time; she was able to get out of bed in just two or three days.
She thought a lot while lying in bed.
She thought back to when Lin Xiao first appeared at the Royal Villa. Although he was cold and sarcastic, he would still protect her at all costs when danger struck.
Even if there was a cliff ahead, they never hesitated.
She always thought he was a fool, that he didn't understand her feelings. But later, he clumsily tried to make her happy, smiled at her, and secretly took her out to play. Even when he was seriously injured, he still took care of her... How could he not understand her feelings? He understood her too well.
If it weren't for her father's warning, she might have continued to depend on him, and even knowing it was impossible, she would still find herself drawn to him.
But her father's sudden warning brought her back to her senses.
She is a royal princess, and Lin Xiao is a secret guard. Her father would never agree to this. If he finds out, she will be fine, but Lin Xiao's fate will certainly not be good.
Fortunately, Lin Xiao is naive when it comes to relationships and doesn't yet understand what his feelings are. If he were to break up with Lin Xiao now, he probably wouldn't be so attached or sad.
There was never any possibility between them, so let it be... She hoped he would be well, and that he would be well for the rest of his life.
Having made up her mind, Shen Panyan no longer tried to stop Gu Jinyan.
Her father couldn't possibly allow her to remain unmarried. Rather than letting her choose an unfamiliar man as her consort, he'd rather she choose someone she knew.
Since it's not him, she doesn't care who she marries.
Moreover, Gu Jinyan is sometimes similar to Lin Xiao, so if you marry him, your future life probably won't be too difficult.
Shen Panyan looked at the paper moon in her palm, tears falling one by one, landing on it and creating a misty, wet patch...
*
Gu Jinyan was originally worried about how to get the princess to agree to see him.
Climbing the wall twice or three times is fine, but if it happens too often, the princess will inevitably get annoyed with him. Moreover, it wouldn't be good if the emperor found out about it in the palace. It wouldn't matter if he was punished, but it would implicate the Rongguo Duke's mansion.
Therefore, he had no choice but to persistently visit them every day.
One day, the gates of the princess's residence, which had been tightly closed, were quietly opened.
*
From Duan Mo, Lin Xiao finally understood the question that had been troubling him for so long... In the past, he could seek out His Highness and appear before her without any scruples, but now, he dared not.
He was afraid that His Highness would find out that he had such feelings for her.
If His Highness knew he harbored such thoughts, would he hate him, despise him, and be disgusted by him...? He was just a bodyguard, a bodyguard whose identity couldn't even be revealed, yet he had developed feelings for his master that he shouldn't have. He didn't want to see His Highness's disgusted look, so he didn't dare to go to His Highness at all.
However, the princess's residence remained closed, yet gifts from the palace flowed in like water. When news arrived that Princess Mingyue was ill, Lin Xiao hesitated for a long time before finally deciding to go and see His Highness.
Even if he doesn't show up, he still wants to see if she is alright.
That night, a gentle spring rain fell, and dark clouds obscured the moonlight, making the night as dark as ink.
Shen Panyan didn't like being waited on. She was feeling much better, and since it had rained tonight, she didn't have Qingdai and Zhuzhi keep watch over her and went to bed early.
But these past few days, she hasn't had a single good night's sleep.
Since making that decision, her heart felt as heavy as if a huge stone was pressing down on it. She couldn't bear to let go, but she dared not refuse. The more she thought about it, the more painful it became. She couldn't eat or sleep.
Sometimes, she wonders if she committed some heinous crime in her past life, which is why she is suffering so much in this life.
She recalled her life in Kunning Palace, the cold winter days, the entire palace deserted, as if no one was there. To make herself sick so her father would come to see her, she would walk slowly through the snow in thin clothes...
As a princess, she certainly had no worries about food and clothing, but that was all she had.
The Empress never allowed anyone to talk to her much; most of the time, she entertained herself alone. The Emperor didn't care about her either, always coming and going in a short time. Once he left, the Empress would leave too, and all the palace maids would withdraw, leaving only a senior maid to guard her.
But her head maids changed every year, and she couldn't remember them. Now she couldn't even recall their names. She remembered one year when she really liked a head maid named Xiao Tao and refused to let the Empress replace her. As a result, the Empress ordered Xiao Tao to be flogged in front of her.
She still remembers that Xiao Tao was wearing a pink palace dress that day, and bright red blood seeped from her body, staining her pink palace dress red, which was extremely glaring.
Fresh blood dripped down her palace dress. She watched as Xiao Tao was pinned to the board by a strong eunuch, struggling, screaming, and pleading for help... until she gradually lost consciousness.
—Dead!
Xiao Tao is dead.
He died right before her eyes.
The Empress said that it was because of her willfulness that Xiao Tao died, so from then on, she never dared to be willful again. She became more and more timid and cowardly... She was very afraid that someone would die in front of her, and very afraid that someone would die because of her.
Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face again.
She understood Lin Xiao's desire for freedom, because she wanted freedom too. If she could, she would rather not be a princess.
If her mother had married an ordinary man instead of her father back then, would she be living like a walking corpse now?
She could leave the capital, leave this place that caused her pain and oppression, and go see the rain in Jiangnan, the snow in the north... If she met someone she liked, she could openly express it, instead of forcibly cutting ties like this now.
She never felt that she was doing well.
She is not doing well at all.
She was never a brave person. If it had been anyone else who had lost their mother, they would probably have risked their lives to avenge her.
As for her, after learning that her father would target the Empress and the Crown Prince, she let it go so easily. In the end, it was because she didn't dare to.
She didn't want Lin Xiao to die, and she didn't dare to face the Empress. Otherwise, why hadn't she gone to see her after being back in the palace for so long?
Because she was afraid.
Her father scared her, and she never dared to do it again. It was all because she was weak.
The rain outside the window was getting heavier and heavier. Every drop of rain seemed to fall into her heart, densely surrounding her and making her feel suffocated by the pain.
In a daze, Shen Panyan felt as if she had fallen asleep, but also as if she hadn't. A cool breeze suddenly blew into the room, making her more awake.
Her lips felt dry; she was thirsty.
Shen Panyan threw off the covers, wanting to get out of bed to get some warm tea from nearby. The candlelight flickered, and shadows loomed. Perhaps she hadn't slept well and was confused, for she suddenly noticed a black shadow in front of her.
Just like the first time we met.
Long, slender, fair fingers held a cup of tea in front of her.
"Your Highness, water."
Shen Panyan thought she had misheard, and stared blankly for a long time before raising her head and murmuring, "Lin Xiao?!"
"Your subordinate is here."
After saying that, he handed the tea to her and said, "Your Highness, water."
It really is him!
Shen Panyan then came to her senses, "...Thank you."
She reached out and took it, then sipped it all in one small bite.
Seeing that she had finished drinking, Lin Xiao took the teacup from her hand. "Does Your Highness wish to drink more?"
Shen Panyan: "No, no need."
"You, how did you get here...?"
She was thinking about him, but she never expected that he would actually appear right in front of her.
Happiness and joy filled her chest, but the next moment, remembering her father's warning and her own decision, it was like a bucket of cold water being poured over her head, and she calmed down completely.
Lin Xiao said gently, "I heard that Your Highness is ill, so I came to see you."
"Your Highness, are you feeling better?"
Shen Panyan lowered her head, her knuckles unconsciously gripping the hem of her clothes. "It's better, much better."
Because she had her head down, she didn't notice Lin Xiao's unusual gaze at her.
Somber, gentle, restrained... He seemed to pause for a moment, as if unsure what to say, his voice dry, "I'm glad you're alright."
"Your subordinate takes his leave..." He bowed and turned to leave.
Hearing that he was leaving, Shen Panyan's mind went blank for a moment, and without thinking, she said, "Wait, don't go!"
Lin Xiao stopped abruptly and turned his head.
"Your Highness?"
Shen Panyan then realized what she had just said. She bit her lip, "I...I just..."
She clearly wanted him to stay and wanted to hug him, but what she said was something else entirely.
My throat was dry, and my fingertips felt like they were digging into my flesh.
"Lin, Lin Xiao... From now on, from now on..." She spoke with great difficulty, as if squeezing out each word, "From now on, don't come looking for me again..."
Lin Xiao suddenly looked up at her, his face pale, as if he were stunned, and even the air seemed to stand still... After a long while, his low, hoarse voice finally rang out in the room.
"Your Highness, why?"
Once the first sentence is spoken, the rest becomes easier to say.
She calmly replied, "It's nothing. You are Father's man; you shouldn't be here."
Lin Xiao barely managed to restrain himself, refraining from stepping forward to question him, his voice filled with sorrow, "But Your Highness, you are Lin Xiao's master..."
She is his master, how could she abandon him?!
Shen Panyan stood up, turning her back to him. "That was just a joke, Lin Xiao. I never took it seriously. You were just trying to comfort me back then..."
"This is not a consolation!"
Lin Xiao strode forward, half-kneeling before her, looking up at her with clear, bright eyes filled with impatience. "Your Highness, that was never meant as a consolation, and I never took it as a joke. I was serious. In my heart, you are my master."
He spoke very quickly, "Your Highness, has I done something to displease you? Is that why you're acting this way? Please tell me, and I promise I won't do it again..."
Shen Panyan forced herself to harden her heart and turned her head away. "There's no reason. I just don't want you to come."
"How could there be no reason? What is the reason, Your Highness? Please tell me..." Lin Xiao didn't understand. Why did His Highness suddenly abandon him all of a sudden?
Suddenly, he remembered something, "It's because a few days ago, my subordinate spoke rudely to Young Master Gu..."
“Yes.” Shen Panyan said decisively, “Lin Xiao, I’m getting ready to get married. My husband will be Gu Jinyan.”
She had thought this matter would go smoothly. After all, Lin Xiao knew nothing and didn't associate with her, which was a good thing for him. But now... why was he unwilling?
Something seemed to have gone against her expectations.
Lin Xiao's voice trembled: "This subordinate will apologize to Young Master Gu. This subordinate will never speak rudely to him again. Your Highness, please don't..."
"No." Shen Panyan took a deep breath, her knuckles turning white from the force, and simply asked directly, "Lin Xiao, do you like me?"
"The liking I'm talking about isn't the kind of admiration I used to have; it's the liking between a man and a woman."
She brought the matter up directly, and Lin Xiao froze on the spot. He then hurriedly lowered his head, his voice trembling slightly, "Your Highness, this subordinate..."
He was at a loss and dared not look at her. Seeing him like this, Shen Panyan understood everything.
She slowly closed her eyes.
In the end, he was one step behind. Didn't he not understand? He didn't even know what her kissing him meant. Why did it suddenly turn out like this?
Shen Panyan bit her lip, hardening her heart, "I don't like you, Lin Xiao. Go away, and don't come again next time."
Lin Xiao trembled: "I'm sorry, Your Highness, I..."
Shen Panyan walked towards her bed, her eyes lowered, refusing to look at him. "I've said what I needed to say. I'm sleepy. Lin Xiao, you can leave now."
"Don't come again, and don't like me. I don't like you."
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Author's note: [Dog head carrying a rose] You're doomed, your owner doesn't want you anymore!
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