Chapter 20 Why did Shen Xingjian sleep at her feet when she woke up? ...
This was the first time that Shen Xingjian took the initiative to mention this matter to others, including his past with Xu Jiakai and Shi Yunran.
"When the doctors told me that I might never be able to stand up again, it would be a lie to say I didn't hate them. But I hated myself even more, because I was the one who made the final decision..."
Gao Xing had always had a vague suspicion that Shen Xingjian's legs weren't born broken. Whether it was the family photo in the west room on the second floor or the bicycle in the storage room on the first floor, they all showed signs of his once-healthy legs.
Shen Xingjian took a deep breath and tried to appear calm: "When I was first hospitalized, many people came to see me: teachers, classmates, relatives, friends..."
"But as I stayed in the hospital longer and longer, Xu Jiakai was the only one besides Grandpa who came to see me every day. Even if I scolded him, told him to get out, and never treated him kindly, he seemed to not care and continued to visit me every day as usual."
"From the hospital to the rehabilitation center, and then back home, for that one year and eight months, rain or shine, he would come. To take care of me, he even gave up college in Beijing and chose Beijing University of Science and Technology. With his grades, he could have gone to a better school..."
He said with a wry smile: "I know he did this to make himself feel better, and to me, he is my only friend..."
Because he is my only friend, I cannot bear to pursue many things. Even though I know that he may have changed, I still cannot make up my mind to break up with him.
Overhead, a huge plane buzzed by, and the sound waves echoed in the air, but no one was listening to it.
Gao Xing has never had a close friend. The only person who can be called a friend is Gao Xinyi, because she is grateful that her father did not let Gao Lai Nan be her name.
"You're just, so lonely," she said.
Lonely people will instinctively seek warmth and use anything they can grab as support.
The candles on the cake were almost burned out, and the wax sizzled down the wicks. Gao Xing blew them out in one breath and put his hand on Shen Xingjian's shoulder:
"Don't you think it's in the book? The past can't be changed, but the future can still be pursued. You made your choice, and he made his. Since they were both our own choices, there's no need to be sad and blame others."
"In life, from birth to death, no one can always be with you. Only yourself is the only one you can rely on."
When Gao Xing said this, her face showed a sobriety and calmness that was inconsistent with her age. Shen Xingjian thought, she was obviously about the same age as him, why did she seem to have experienced so many things?
"You said before that you have no past that you want to change. Is that true?" he couldn't help but ask.
Shen Xingjian didn't believe that a person would have no regrets. In fact, Gao Xing lied.
She also had an experience in the past that she wanted to change, but it had been so long since that incident that she could hardly remember what that person looked like.
Gao Xing once had an older sister who was very different from her.
She is rebellious and a troublemaker, while her sister is obedient and sensible and accepts everything that comes her way.
When she was a child, her parents often compared her older sister with her, saying that if they had known she had such a temper, they should have listened to their grandparents and thrown her away long ago.
Gao Xing didn't take their accusations and targeting seriously, because she knew that being obedient and sensible was never a true compliment, but a means for them to control people.
They wouldn't let her go to school, so she complained to the school, to the village party secretary, and to everyone who had to uphold compulsory education! She wanted to make her fuss known to everyone, so that they couldn't hold their heads up in the village, and so that they wouldn't dare to mess with her openly again!
The result of my sister's obedience was that she dropped out of school in the fifth grade and worked as a nanny at home, doing farm work that was not suitable for her age day after day.
Gao Xing will always remember that winter night. After walking for over an hour, she returned home, cold and hungry, only to discover that a duck egg she had hidden in the stove before leaving was missing. Not only that, but all the food in the kitchen was gone. She suddenly realized they had done it on purpose.
She was just eight years old at the time, at that age when she was impulsive and fearless, so she immediately picked up the kitchen axe and walked out. Her sister had just returned from working in the fields and saw her holding the axe and hurried forward to stop her.
"Happy!" her sister called her in a low voice, trying to take the hatchet from her hand. Seeing that she refused, she softened her tone and coaxed her, "Are you hungry after coming back from school? I left a poop for you, come and heat it up and eat it!"
As she spoke, she took out a millet cake wrapped tightly in leaves from the pocket of her thin old clothes.
At that time, she felt that she was an accomplice of her parents and had always been unkind to her sister. She pushed her away angrily and rushed into the duck shed and killed a duck.
Seeing their companion’s throat being cut, the mallards in the duck shed quacked in fear and fled in all directions flapping their wings.
The parents in the house heard the noise and came out wearing down jackets. When they saw Gao Xing standing in the dark duck shed covered in blood, holding a dead duck in his hand, they were shocked on the spot.
"Next time I come back, if there's no rice in the rice jar, I'll kill a duck and eat it! If there's no rice once, I'll kill one. If there's no rice twice, I'll kill two, until there's no rice left!"
Gao Xing stared at them intently, with blood splattered on his face, like a Shura from hell. Even though Gao's parents were two adults, they couldn't help but feel scared.
Father Gao still wanted to maintain his dignity as the head of the family, so he walked over and raised his hand to teach her who was the master of the family. Before he could utter any harsh words, the happy hatchet flew past his ear and chopped into the couplet "A harmonious family brings prosperity" on the wooden door behind him.
Fearing that the situation would get out of hand, the elder sister ran over, held Gao's father's hand and begged, "Dad, Gao Xing didn't mean it. Please don't hit her!"
"I don't need your fake kindness!" Gao Xing hated to see her giving in to them and didn't appreciate it at all.
Father Gao was already frightened by Gao Xing's sudden fierceness, and his sister's plea for mercy gave him an outlet to vent his anger. He raised his hand and slapped his sister, pushing her aside.
Accompanied by a crisp "pop" sound, my sister spurted out a mouthful of blood with a "wow". She fell to the ground in pain, coughing up blood.
Gao Xing was stunned for a moment.
That night, Gao's father took my sister and Gao Xing on his farm tricycle for the first time. However, when they arrived at the town hospital, my sister was already in shock.
The doctor said my sister had severe pneumonia, with severe lung tissue adhesions and inflammation spreading to her chest cavity, causing her to cough up blood. The town hospital's medical facilities were limited, and if she had been taken to the county hospital sooner, she might have been saved. Now... all we could do was prepare for her funeral.
When Gao's father heard that he hadn't beaten his sister to death, he breathed a sigh of relief and even smoked a cigarette in relief. Even more unbelievable was that Gao's mother actually accused the hospital of killing her daughter and rolled on the floor of the emergency room, throwing a tantrum and demanding compensation from the hospital.
I looked at their ugly faces happily and suddenly felt that this world was ridiculous!
The emergency doctor was forced to stop rescuing the sister because of their disturbance. In the chaotic emergency room, Gao's parents were fighting with the security guard. Gao Gao was looking at his dying sister on the stretcher, and a huge sense of guilt surged from the bottom of his heart.
If she hadn't bothered with the egg, hadn't killed the ducks, hadn't gotten into a fight with them, would her sister have survived? Would she have been able to stand before her peacefully? Would she have avoided this pain?
Hot tears slid down and dripped onto her sister's pale and gray lips. At that moment, perhaps a last burst of light, she miraculously woke up and forced herself to say the last words of her short life to Gao Xing.
She said, "I'm happy. I really envy you, your name, your courage, and I... I am finally free..."
For many years after that, whenever I recalled my sister's last words, I couldn't help but tremble with joy.
A twelve-year-old child, whose life had just begun, said her last words before she died not fear, terror, or attachment to the world, but liberation.
How cruel, ironic and ridiculous!
My sister died, as if she had never existed in this world. Winter passed and spring came, and in less than four seasons, Gao Xing also became my sister.
In the warm yellow light, Gao Xing's gaze was fixed on something and lost focus. It took him a long time to come back to his senses.
She opened a can of beer and gulped it down without answering.
Seeing this, Shen Xingjian didn’t force it and started drinking with her.
To be honest, Shen Xingjian didn't like the taste of beer, thinking it was bitter and hard to drink, but at this moment, he seemed to be able to accept it. Compared to the bitterness that could not be expressed in words, what was the bitterness of beer?
“I want to ask you to do me a favor.” Shen Xingjian said.
Gao Xing paused when she heard that and looked at him with a hint of surprise. This was the first time she had heard the word "help" from him. In the past, whenever he needed help from others, he would cover it up with a deal.
"Please help me... find myself ten years from now." He said this with hope in his eyes.
Logically speaking, today is his birthday, and Gao Xing should say a few words of encouragement to him, or even agree to him, but she is busy with her own affairs now, so how can she have the energy to care about other people's affairs?
"I……"
Just as I was hesitating about how to refuse, I heard him say, "Time and space overlap wouldn't happen for no reason, and I wouldn't disappear for no reason. There must be some pattern between them, but we just haven't discovered it yet."
“You are in the future, and only you can figure out what happened in the past ten years,” Shen Xingjian’s eyes showed earnestness, “Besides, you must also hope that I can move out sooner, right?”
Gao Xing suddenly fell silent.
In the past, she would probably answer "yes" without hesitation, but now, she was a little unsure.
Unconsciously, she seemed to have gotten used to having another person in the house, used to seeing that figure every day when she went downstairs, and even used to those annoying nagging...
"I..." She opened her mouth and finally just sighed softly, "I'll try my best."
That night, thanks to the wine, they seemed to have a rare conversation about a lot, from the origin of the universe to the laws of time, from the eight major cuisines to the cultivation and application of chili peppers...
Gao Xing clearly remembered that she was only slightly tipsy when the dozen beers were at the bottom. But could anyone explain to her why she woke up to find Shen Xingjian sleeping at her feet?
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