Chapter 32 No one in this world loves me, do you understand?
Ever since Shen Xingjian mistakenly returned Gao Xing's call that night, they hadn't communicated for almost a week.
Gao Xing's working hours were unstable, and the two of them had different schedules, so they rarely met. Even if they did, Gao Xing would ignore him.
Shen Xingjian could feel that Gao Xing was really angry this time, but he didn't know the crux of the problem, let alone how to resolve it.
That morning, Gao Xing came back from her night shift and happened to see Shen Xingjian getting up and coming out of the room. When she saw him, she acted as if she didn't see him and walked straight past him.
Shen Xingjian really couldn't stand it. Every day since the cold war, he was restless, couldn't eat well, couldn't sleep, and thought about the situation of that day over and over again in his mind.
He didn't understand why Gao Xing had such a strong resentment. Even if his behavior was inappropriate, he shouldn't be punished for such a heinous crime, right?
"Stop!" Shen Xingjian called her, maneuvering his wheelchair in front of her, and said, "You must explain to me today why you are so angry."
Gao Xing was very tired and didn't want to argue with him, so she walked around the wheelchair and prepared to go upstairs.
However, Shen Xingjian grabbed her wrist, as if he would not let her go unless she said something.
"I admit, I shouldn't have touched your phone or replied to your text messages without your permission. I've already apologized to you. If you still feel unsatisfied, you can yell at me or hit me. I won't fight back, okay?"
"Let go." Gao Xing finally turned around, but all she said to him was this cold sentence.
Shen Xingjian looked at her, not understanding: "Glorious, I told you everything about me, why can't you tell me if you have something? Maybe I can help you?"
Gao Xing tried to pull her hand away, but he held it tighter.
She was really tired, too tired to have the energy to continue.
"You can't help me." Her voice was soft, but filled with deep fatigue.
"How do you know I can't help you if you don't tell me?"
Shen Xingjian stared at her, the corners of his eyes drooping slightly, like a large dog that had done something wrong, revealing a pitiful energy: “Glad, I thought…we are at least friends.”
Gao Xing looked at the slightly red corners of his eyes, and the stubbornness and stubbornness that he had been holding on to suddenly deflated.
She lowered her eyes tiredly: "Shen Xingjian, not everyone in this world can be born and raised in love and expectation like you, not all brothers and sisters have such filial piety and deep love, and not all parents are worthy of being called human beings..."
She pulled the corners of her mouth and revealed a forced smile: "I have been unwanted since I was born. Every drop of blood flowing in my body is a weapon for them to attack me. The so-called blood connection is nothing but mutual harm."
She knew that Shen Xingjian didn’t mean it, and she also knew that she shouldn’t lose her temper with him, but she was so tired, really tired.
The process of waiting for disaster to strike was not severe pain, but a long, corrosive collapse. Every breath was like a knife cutting, slowly cutting through her nerves and exposing her panic and helplessness to the damp and rotten air.
She was like a shaky kite, and if she was pulled even slightly, she would collapse uncontrollably.
"No one in this world loves me, do you understand?"
The parasol tree leaves fell from the windowsill, and the sunlight silently stretched the shadows of the two people very long.
…
People often say that speaking out means letting go. Gao Xing didn't know if there was any scientific basis for this statement, but in the days that followed, she felt relieved. Although she had never intentionally concealed her past, speaking out about it was a different feeling.
People say that everyone in this world suffers in their own way. Some are trapped by the mundane daily grind of food, clothing, housing, and transportation, feeling suffocated by the weight of life; some are trapped by the entanglements of love, hate, and passion, sinking deeper and deeper into the quagmire of memories; and some are trapped by the tricks of fate, scarred by the vicissitudes of life.
Suffering is never fair. It is like an irregular monsoon that sweeps through everyone's life, leaving behind ravines of varying depths.
Gao Xing often wonders, are there really people in this world who are completely happy?
Maybe there is, but it’s not me.
This morning, I returned to the villa after a night shift. As soon as I walked in, I found a yellow sticky note stuck on the entrance. It said, "I'm glad I change my shoes properly every day when I come home."
She was a little puzzled, so she peeled it off and walked to the refrigerator to see another one: "Glad that you help me organize it every time I use it."
In the sink: "Glad that you always remember to rinse the dishes for me after you finish washing them."
On the island counter: "Gao Xing always cleans me very well."
Television: "Glad never forgets to unplug it for me."
Next to the floor tiles: "Gao Xing once helped me resist Shi Yunran's high heel attack here!"
She followed the sticky notes, walking forward step by step, and found that the whole house was scattered with such colorful papers, with many things written on them that she had never cared about before.
She knew without thinking who wrote this, and walked to Shen Xingjian's door with the increasingly thick note paper in her hand and knocked on it.
"What is this?" She shook the rustling pieces of paper in her hand.
Shen Xingjian continued to write furiously in the room. Upon hearing this, he turned around and glanced, "Your observation diary."
"Are you free?" She was speechless.
"What do you mean by idle? I'm serious, okay?" Shen Xingjian put down his pen in disapproval, "I just realized you're so good while I was writing. I didn't notice it before!"
"Just doing these chores and you're praised?" Gao Xing sneered.
"Then what do you think is good?" he suddenly asked.
He opened his mouth happily but was speechless for a moment.
What does it mean to be good? Intelligent and excellent? Brave and fearless? Kind and upright? But…if you lack these qualities, does that mean you're not good?
“Each of us is not just a symbol, but a whole made up of tiny things. The things you think are important may not actually be important, and the little things you think are unimportant may be a true reflection of you.”
Gao Xing's breathing hitched, and his fingertips unconsciously clenched: "What do you want to say?"
"What I want to say is that it's not your fault that they don't love you. It's because they have never truly seen you..."
Shen Xingjian's eyes were like still waters flowing deep. He stared at her and said very seriously, "You are very good and deserve all the love."
Gao Xing stood there in a daze, and suddenly felt his throat tighten, as if something was stuck there.
From childhood to adulthood, she had long been accustomed to wrapping herself in a hard shell, used to dealing with everything with indifference. But at this moment, those overlooked little moments, those little efforts that even she herself had never noticed, were recorded with great care, and then told her that she was good and worthy of all the love.
In an instant, a wonderful feeling spread in my heart, as if countless tiny bubbles were gently exploding in my blood, releasing a faint warmth at every moment of bursting.
In the golden autumn, at dawn, the morning mist is thick. In the grass not far away, dewdrops hang on the tips of leaves, and fall into the soil with a "plop", which seems to hit the heart.
Finally, the sun rose, and countless golden lines split the clouds, casting dazzling spots of light among the mountains, forests and grass.
Gao Xing looked at him, the corners of her mouth twitching as if she wanted to smile, but in the end her lips were pursed into a trembling line.
"Would you like a drink?" she suddenly said.
Drinking when you are sad is a way to vent, while drinking when you are happy is a way to share.
When Shen Xingjian heard the word "drinking", his nose immediately felt a dull pain. His first reaction was to say, why not just forget it? But seeing that she was so relaxed, he felt that it was not impossible to sacrifice his life to accompany a gentleman.
Gaoxing went upstairs to get a few bottles of wine and put them on the dining table.
"The first cup is to celebrate the overlap of time and space!" She helped him unscrew the bottle cap and handed him the whole bottle.
Shen Xingjian looked in shock at the Erguotou that was suddenly stuffed into his hand. The smell of the alcohol was so pungent that he felt choking just by smelling it.
Wasn't it beer last time? How did it get upgraded to Erguotou?
"Uh...how about..."
"Would you like to drink?"
“Drink, drink!”
Under pressure from the tyranny, Shen Xingjian had no choice but to take a deep breath, hold his breath, and make up his mind—finally, he licked the edge of the wine bottle.
"Is it delicious?" Seeing that he was having difficulty swallowing, Gao Xing asked deliberately.
“Good…drink it.” Shen Xingjian tried hard to hold back the spicy taste in his mouth and said stubbornly.
"It tastes good, drink more." Gao Xing raised his hand and pretended to pour the juice into his mouth.
Shen Xingjian quickly shrank back in fear, "...It tastes good, but you can't drink too much, right?"
Gao Xing lowered his head and laughed out loud, then reached out to take his Erguotou and went to the refrigerator to replace it with a bottle of Coke.
"My mental health teacher once said that human emotions are like a pool of water. All the good and bad gather in it. If there's too little, it dries up; if there's too much, it overflows." Gao Xing said calmly, pouring himself a glass. "If the water that's beyond your capacity can't flow out as tears, treat it like wine and drink it."
No one in this world is indestructible. Everyone has emotions, and when you have emotions, you need to release them. Crying or drinking are just ways to deal with them. The important thing is not to escape or deceive yourself.
The fear of death and the longing for love are eternal propositions of mankind, and few people can overcome them.
Gao Xing raised her head to look at him, her slightly long hair parted in front of her forehead, revealing her beautiful eyebrows and eyes:
“Shen Xingjian, let’s move forward together.”
No matter how difficult the road ahead is.
The scent of her mixed with the smell of white wine lingered at the tip of my nose, faint and bitter.
My heart suddenly felt swollen, as if something was growing wildly under my ribs. The pain was not sharp or tearing, but a long, dull, suffocating feeling.
The sunlight cast the shadows of two people on the wall, and the warm yellow light carried by the wind banged against the window.
Shen Xingjian looked into her eyes, the gentle morning light flowing through them. He opened his lips slightly, his Adam's apple rolling several times, and finally all the unfinished words turned into a light yet heavy:
"good."
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
