0093 093 The person I liked when I was 15
Qi Shuyao has always liked to sleep on her stomach since she was a child. Even after she developed, when her chest was pressed uncomfortably, she still liked to lie half-on her stomach. But Qi Yu would always gently turn her body over so that she could lie flat or on her side.
Later, when she grew up, they slept in separate rooms. The bedroom door was always tightly closed, and he could no longer see her sleeping posture. However, when the little girl lay alone in bed, half-asleep, she would always remember his words and turn over to lie flat on the soft bed.
For a long time afterward, she didn't sleep on her stomach anymore. Until the day she escaped from Shu Li's house, she lay on Tu Mi's bed, curled up into a small ball, hid in the corner, and spent the whole night in the most secure position.
She slept for almost a day and a night that day. When she woke up, Tu Mi was carefully tidying up the clutter downstairs. When she saw that she was awake, she quickly put down what she was doing and climbed up to wipe the sweat from her forehead.
She had been lying face down, her arms were sore and calloused, and the pattern of the blanket beneath her skin was imprinted on her skin. Tu Mi smiled and massaged her arms while chatting.
"I prefer fabrics with more pronounced textures, as they feel like a massage when pressed against my body. However, I don't sleep on my stomach anymore, as my back is already used to it."
"I still feel more comfortable sleeping on my stomach."
“Actually, I used to like sleeping on my stomach, but when I was in the underground, an older sister told me that there was a local saying that children who sleep on their stomachs are likely to bring death to their mothers. She said that she liked to sleep on her stomach, and her mother died when she was 13 years old. She ended up in the underground. I didn’t understand anything at the time, and I really believed in this kind of thing, so I listened to her and never slept on my stomach again.”
Did you still have any fantasies about your mother back then?
"I have thought about it. Even though I've never seen her before, even though I don't know she exists, I still instinctively call out 'Mom' when I'm scared, even though I don't know what that word means."
Perhaps there were other meanings in the way Tu Mi looked at her that day, but at the time, Qi Shuyao was thinking about her newborn daughter. Later, until today, she finally understood some of the reasons behind it all.
"Are you so afraid she'll die that you won't even let me sleep on my stomach?"
She stood at the alley entrance backlit by the sun, coldly questioning him. Qi Yu didn't immediately understand what she was saying, but he didn't like her tone.
She could speak to anyone on the street in that tone, and in that instant, they would become strangers, ordinary people, people who would never be connected.
He stubbed out his cigarette, walked straight towards her, forcefully grabbed her hand, and tried to shove her into the car.
Qi Shuyao, though thin and small, stood firmly in place, desperately trying to pull her arm back, stubbornly staring at him.
Through those eyes, Qi Yu seemed to remember something, and he also saw another person.
His grip loosened, and Qi Shuyao, caught off guard, leaned backward, only to be swept up by him and shoved into the car.
I've lost count of how many times I've left Tu Mi without saying goodbye. They seem to have gotten used to this way of interacting—appearing lightly and disappearing in an instant.
Also, she was facing an even more difficult situation.
The scene from the past unfolded once again: a black car sped up on the road, shaking the people inside.
In fact, Qi Shuyao regretted saying those words as soon as they left her mouth. She tried to dodge them guiltily, but she couldn't take back her words or turn back time, so she could only continue to stare at them, pretending to be questioning them.
She sat in the car, her palms sweating profusely, her fingers constantly twisting the hem of her dress until her fingertips turned white, her eyes darting quickly to the side every now and then, her heart pounding against the door in her chest.
Qi Yu didn't look at her, but he could feel the evasive gaze on the other side, which was completely ignoring her. He was now engulfed in flames. He was disappointed, angry, and helpless. He almost collapsed in an instant. The barrier that he had guarded for more than 20 years finally crumbled.
The red light at the intersection blocked the car's progress, but he didn't want to stop for even a second. The air inside the car was suffocating him, and he had to open the car window to let the wind in in order to barely breathe.
The car sped off in an unknown direction, and the surrounding scenery gradually changed from tall buildings to a vast wilderness. There were no pedestrians, and only a few withered tree trunks, twisted and deformed, could be seen in the distance.
The sky turned yellow again, and the wind swept up countless dust particles. The sweltering air made it hard to breathe. The car flew onto a barren field, where the wind died down, and in an instant, my body was covered in sweat.
Qi Yu unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. He stood by the front of the car and stared at Qi Shuyao. She also unbuckled her seatbelt and followed him out, leaning against the car door, not daring to go forward.
"Come on, where did your confidence to challenge me go?"
"I wasn't challenging them; it was just a normal question based on facts."
"Based on facts, but what facts?"
My sister told me.
"Your sister, she just calls you 'sister' right away, how intimate!"
Qi Yu had his hands in his pockets, and even the stiff style of the suit was given a touch of roguishness by him. It was the first time he hadn't stood up straight in this outfit, with one leg bent and his chest heaving violently.
Qi Shuyao's initial guilt was completely suppressed by the hazy yellow sky. She glared back defiantly, her shoulders trembling.
"Stop being sarcastic. I never said you weren't my dad. She was my sister too."
"Your dad, do you think I wanted to be your dad?"
"What did you say?"
This time it was Qi Shuyao's turn to be shocked. It has to be said that she was indeed raised by Qi Yu. Her shocked actions and expressions were exactly the same as his stunned look just now.
But she quickly realized what was happening, and her thoughts began to wander endlessly again.
"I understand, I get it. Nobody wants me. I'm the most superfluous one, a burden wherever I am. So why did you stop me from falling back then? If things had stopped then, everything would have been simple. You could all go on with your lives, you wouldn't have needed to care about me. I should have just died..."
Her mouth was forcefully covered. Qi Shuyao stared wide-eyed, still in shock, at Qi Yu, who was practically flying towards her. A second ago, his arm had been raised, and she thought she was about to receive her second slap in her life, but that large hand covered her mouth, forcefully, with gritted teeth.
"I don't want you? I don't love you? You want to die? Can't you think before you speak? Can't you consider other people's feelings!"
The words, spoken in a fit of rage, made her brain tremble. The man before her stared at her with bloodshot eyes, tears welling in them—a rare sight indeed. His tone softened abruptly.
"Qi Shuyao, are you going to change your name to Shuyao tomorrow? But have you ever thought about it, or do you remember, from when you were a child, we hid in a dilapidated temple, huddled against the wall, borrowed other people's cowsheds, to living in houses, to living in apartment buildings, to high-rises, to villas, climbing up step by step, who have I worked so hard for, and who have spent all the money I've earned?"
His tone was as if he were asking what they were having for dinner, but she couldn't answer. She used to hug him and call him "Dad and I are the best in the world," but now he was questioning her. Regardless of whether they were father and daughter or what kind of relationship they had, her behavior could be described as utterly rebellious.
"But……"
"But, but why wasn't it because I was capable back then? If I had been capable back then, I could have protected her from having to compromise herself by being with that man, from having to worry about whether they could get married or live together. She wouldn't have to worry about the children every day, and she wouldn't have to rush to get pregnant with your sister after giving birth to you. You were both such lovely little girls, yet you were abandoned because you weren't the son the Shu family wanted. But, but if none of this had happened, you wouldn't exist. What would I do if you weren't in this world? If you weren't in this world, I wouldn't be where I am now. But you are here, so I was willing to endure all the suffering before."
A tear slid down Qi Yu's cheek and landed heavily on Qi Shuyao's heart. As she listened to these words, tears streamed down her face, but she still stubbornly insisted on what she cared about most.
"But why do you love me? What is it? Am I...am I a substitute for her? Do you love her? Is it because you like her? If you can't have her, then you get a daughter who looks like her. That would satisfy the thought that you've been unable to forget for over thirty years...I really wish I was someone you picked up off the street, so you wouldn't have any burden of love or hate."
Even though his closest person had stabbed him in the heart with the most poisonous needle, Qi Yu actually laughed. As the corners of his mouth turned up, a bolt of lightning struck his head. Qi Shuyao's attention had been focused on him, and she was startled by the sudden light. She instinctively tried to lean into his arms, but was stopped by a hand covering her mouth.
After the lightning came thunder, a few loud rumbles, followed by a downpour that didn't waste a second, instantly soaking the two people on the empty wasteland.
But at this moment, the two of them seemed to be frozen in place, not moving at all. Qi Yu looked down at the stunned little girl in front of him and raised his hand to brush away the hair stuck to her face.
Qi Shuyao was completely stunned. Nothing in the world could attract her attention. All she remembered was that he pushed her away.
Soaked to the bone, the woman, like a madwoman, flung away the man's hand. Her hair, blown by the wind, obscured her face. Unable to see the road, she stumbled backward. Thunder and rain raged overhead, threatening to shatter the earth, yet her screams could still be heard amidst the chaos.
For the past ten years or so, she has always habitually exaggerated her emotions, adding a bit of tantrums to her coquettishness or sadness, and she gets everything she wants. Her emotions have never really fluctuated much, and she has been protected smoothly for most of her life.
Only today did she feel the sense of collapse, as if her whole being was about to explode, a feeling that made her want to destroy the world.
But even if heaven and earth are destroyed, what difference will it make? If you don't love someone, you don't love them, and you won't love them even if you die.
Qi Yu was still walking steadily toward her. His black suit, soaked by the rain, looked even darker, almost shiny, like a mountain pressing down on her, or like the night finally enveloping her.
The little girl in front of me had already walked to the back of the car, holding onto the door. The empty environment made her feel unsafe. She trembled, squatted down, and leaned against the back of the car, shivering.
She was still like she was when she was a child, never hiding her emotions, and so stubborn. Without his apology or comfort, she could get so angry that she could kill herself, yet she possessed a kind of magic that kept him completely captivated. Regardless of right or wrong, he would willingly coax her.
But she can be really infuriating sometimes. When she goes crazy, she wants to destroy everything. He was just a man in his twenties at the time, uneducated, with only a vague understanding of life, and didn't even know where to start when looking for advice on raising children.
He always held her, letting her little fists pound and punch wherever they pleased. Once that pent-up anger was released, she would become a well-behaved, soft little girl again, blinking her watery eyes, looking incredibly wronged.
How could he bear to be harsh with her, how could he bear to abandon her? She was always pressed against the spot where his heart was beating, her little belly breathing in and out—that was life, the strength to live.
He crouched down and gently lifted her trembling body from the ground, letting her lean against him. But this time the fire burned even more fiercely and had not yet been extinguished, so he was hit a few more times.
The man's laughter from above calmed Qi Shuyao, who was in a fit of rage, for a second. In that brief pause, she was forcefully pulled into his arms, and no matter how much she struggled, he wouldn't let go.
The more she recalled his past actions, the more the fire burned within her. She used her hands, feet, and even her mouth, but she still couldn't budge him an inch.
His hand slammed down with a crackling sound, yet he was still smiling, his touch on the back of her head still so gentle, tinged with a hint of helplessness.
“Your mother has been in Jingyang for so many years, without any support or relatives. She has used all her energy to find men. We have always been able to contact each other, but she has never contacted me, and I have never contacted her. Do you think this is because I can’t have her? Is this love?”
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