Where the heart leads
In fact, Panqiu always knew very well:
If we disregard any external forces, the process, the risks, or anyone else in the future, the path she most wants to take is to return to her alma mater as a teacher.
That campus held her initial dreams, the library where she printed out her first English paper, the teacher who taught her to recognize the beauty and power of language, and the beginning she once thought she would never escape.
She imagined a certain day in the future:
Like Teacher Maggie, I stood on the stage, surrounded by a group of young students, my eyes filled with trust and expectation;
Guide undergraduates into the laboratory, from confusion to determination;
Discussing bilingualism, inner language, and cross-cultural cognition with graduate students under the winter sunset;
One day, they may even have their own "students all over the world".
At that time, she might truly understand Ethan's departure—
To understand how one person might choose restraint and withdrawal in order to fulfill another person's future.
More importantly, returning home means being closer to my parents.
That sense of guilt and distance from being "halfway around the world" can finally slowly dissipate.
But after her conversation with Chase that day, her conviction began to waver slightly.
Chase's quote:
Are you sure you'll only be developing your career in China from now on?
Like a small pebble falling on the water, ripples spread outwards, gently tapping on her chest even into the night.
Panqiu couldn't help but think—
If she really goes back to China, then she and Ethan may never have the chance to speak a complete sentence face to face again.
In the future, we will probably only be able to nod briefly at the annual international academic conference—politely and distantly—before returning to our own lives.
She had imagined that scene.
There was a slight bittersweet feeling in my heart, but not enough to cause pain.
A hidden voice told her:
Perhaps this is for the best.
The moon is meant to be gazed at from afar.
Maintaining distance actually preserves its most beautiful silhouette and angle.
If you get too close, you can't see anything clearly.
For her, Ethan was probably that kind of person.
But the human heart is never a straight line.
She both longed to become an "academic grandmother" and was curious about the outside world;
She longed to be close to her family, but also kept thinking about Ethan's short reply.
They want to settle down, but they are also afraid of deciding their future too early.
So during that time, while preparing her application materials for her alma mater, she also continued to apply for several positions in the United States.
It seems that only when there are "other possibilities" can she truly feel at ease taking steps in the direction she most wants to go.
The result was also beyond her expectations.
Not long after the spring semester began, she suddenly found herself busier than ever before—
Her doctoral dissertation was already a done deal, but instead, submitting resumes, writing presentations, preparing for interviews, and giving reports made her feel like she was running in the wind every day.
In early March, she flew back to China for a job interview.
That day, the ginkgo trees were just sprouting new buds, and the campus was quiet in late winter.
Standing at the bottom of the steps of the administration building, she suddenly felt as if she had taken a very long detour and ended up right back at the starting point.
Between March and April, she flew several more times within the United States to attend postdoctoral interviews at research institutions and interviews at a technology company.
She prepares for each performance with utmost seriousness—as if she's testing another version of her life.
She was busy until the eve of her thesis defense when one day she checked her phone and was surprised to find that she already had three job offers in hand:
Postdoctoral positions at American research institutions are a stable and secure traditional academic path.
Research positions at tech companies offer excellent salaries, ample resources, and opportunities to work with languages.
A teaching position at my alma mater in China—an opportunity to establish myself, mentor students, and develop my own direction—is within reach.
Three different paths, three completely different futures.
Each path is viable, and each has its own unique light.
The key is—
She has to choose one.
She suddenly had a feeling similar to an epiphany:
True maturity is not about seizing every possibility at once, but about acknowledging—
Once you choose a certain path, it means saying goodbye to another kind of life.
She stopped in the cold wind.
Making choices is both the price and a gift of growth.
It forces you to admit:
You can't have everything.
We can't leave a place for everyone.
We cannot keep all possibilities open.
Life is not a parallel universe; it has only one line.
And when you finally acknowledge this, a path that truly belongs to you will slowly take shape beneath your feet.
That afternoon, she went to see Chase again.
The office window was half-closed, and the early spring breeze carried a hint of dampness.
"I now have three possibilities."
She laid out three options on the table.
Chase's analysis: Postdoctoral fellow, company, alma mater—
Her tone was calm, like a laid-out analytical path.
"Let's start with postdoctoral fellows."
Chase looked up at her, his gaze clear and honest.
“This is the most stable path, and it’s the system you’re most familiar with right now. You’ll continue to publish and accumulate work, but its future doesn’t actually depend on you, but on whether there’s a faculty position available next—that’s the reality of the American system.”
Panqiu nodded.
"Let's talk about the company next."
Chase turned the document in front of him halfway around so that the light fell directly on the paper.
"Good salary, abundant resources, and fast pace. If you want to try the industry, especially language research, this is a good position. However, the freedom offered by the industry is different from that in academia; the research you can do will be limited by business logic. You have to ask yourself, can you accept this change?"
Her tone wasn't discouraging or pushing you away; it was simply objective.
Then, Chase gently placed his hand on the last invitation from Shanghai.
"As for your alma mater..."
She paused for two seconds after saying this, as if giving herself a moment to breathe in this possibility.
"This position is currently the closest to what you described as 'academic grandma'."
She smiled, her eyes holding a gentle, appraising look.
"You'll be able to mentor students, apply for grants, and gradually develop your own research direction. You'll be perfectly suited for this kind of environment."
Pan Qiu lowered her head, her heart pounding even harder than before.
Chase gently withdrew his hand, his tone returning to rationality:
"But the price of this path is that it could very well mean that your life trajectory will be truly moved away from this land."
She didn't mention Ethan, nor did she make any hints.
It's just a very realistic and sincere statement.
All three options are good.
Chase looked directly into her eyes, his tone resolute.
The question is, what kind of person do you want to be?
What kind of life do you want to live?
Where will you gradually become the person you want to be?
She paused for a moment, then added one last sentence:
"As long as you face this question honestly, you won't make the wrong choice."
Objective, clear-headed, realistic, and almost irrefutable.
As I left the office, only the low hum of the heating system remained in the corridor.
Panqiu, holding the folder, suddenly slowed her pace.
She knew exactly what she should choose.
But precisely because of this, that softest, most hesitant, and most repressed place is the most unwilling to be quiet.
She stepped out of the building, the wind so cold it made her instinctively hunch her shoulders.
The sky was a vast expanse of light gray, like fog dissolved in the air.
She couldn't help but think—
If Ethan were still here, if he were still her mentor,
What would he say?
It wasn't to get him to make the decision for her, nor was it to obtain permission.
Perhaps it's simply because—at life's crossroads, one can't help but remember those who once lit the way for them.
The wind blows, so cold it seems to make your thoughts clearer.
She closed her eyes and whispered in her heart:
"If you were there—how would you answer?"
The blank space remained for a few seconds.
Of course, there will be no sound.
But in that silence, a very quiet, very steady, very familiar tone emerged—
It's not a memory, it's not a hallucination.
It was just the same approach she had heard countless times in his office over the years:
"Don't choose what looks perfect on paper.
Choose what lets you grow roots.”
Panqiu opened her eyes, and the white mist she exhaled slowly dissipated in the air.
There was a strange stinging pain in my chest—not sadness, but a self-deprecating clarity.
It turns out she had already internalized him so thoroughly.
Even if he retreats far away, he will still appear in her own inner voice;
She thought she had completely moved on, but at this crucial moment...
My first thought was—what would he say?
She couldn't help but lower her head and chuckle softly.
There was a hint of shame, a hint of helplessness, and a hint of... in that smile.
The admission that "so you never really disappeared."
In that instant, she finally saw clearly:
What truly made her hesitate was never "which path to choose".
Instead—
Once she embarked on that path, she had to step back from a certain direction in her heart.
And that direction was towards Ethan.
As long as she remains in this city and this country, he will remain within the realm of her life.
As long as she didn't leave, he wasn't truly gone.
If she returns to China, it won't be as simple as just changing jobs—
That means she has to accept that her story with Ethan will end with distance as the default outcome.
Her chest tightened slightly.
Why is it that even though the analysis is so thorough and there's no doubt about career development,
She still couldn't help but put herself in his shoes and analyze the situation.
The answer is actually very simple, and quite straightforward:
Because Ethan was also the one she longed for.
And choose a direction,
This itself means—
She will gradually drift away in another direction.
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