Confession (Part 1)
Cen Zheng often wondered if she was a bad person.
But what is the definition of a bad person in real life? She abides by the law, is humble and polite, and does her job conscientiously. She seems to have met the minimum requirements of society for citizens, and could even be described as doing an excellent job. So even under such circumstances, is she still going to be branded as a bad person and spend half her life immersed in that kind of pain?
This is probably a bit cruel. Cen Zheng has told herself more than once that in a person's life of 30,000 days, who can be completely at peace with themselves and swear to heaven that they have never done anything wrong? There is no such person in the world, so she is nothing.
Interestingly, even after hypnotizing himself with such a monotonous excuse for so long, Cen Zheng clearly knew that it was untenable, even ridiculous. One cannot deceive oneself to the point of being absurd; it was time to face reality.
So she no longer sees you.
Yes, the answer you so desperately wanted—the answer to why your relationship suddenly broke down—was so simple. There were no long, clichéd explanations, no need for tearful embraces and tears. Just like that.
The phrase "face reality" seems to encompass many things, such as why your relationship ended, why she cruelly left you, and why she has been tormented by pain all these years and unable to escape it.
After having a dream, Cen Zheng realized that life is not Inception, nor is it The Truman Show. If only it were like that, what's wrong with being trapped in a beautiful illusion for a lifetime? But reality forced her to make a clean break.
Parting ways with you was something she had expected, so when it actually happened, everything seemed so natural, and she didn't even have to put in much effort.
You tried so hard to salvage everything. Your simple motives and sincere gaze certainly moved her, but only for a moment. You're right, people are emotional beings after all. Even if she felt reluctant, she herself couldn't quite explain whether that reluctance was for you or for the two of you in the past.
So many years have passed that the word "once" still evokes a sense of disorientation, yet she still recalls the first time she met you—a bright, almost blindingly sunny afternoon.
She stood in the stairwell of the training base, watching you stare blankly at your toes, looking dejected, as you slowly descended the stairs, one step at a time, and then bumped into her precisely at the corner. You apologized softly and left without looking back.
She grabbed your hand, and you suddenly looked up, your eyes widening in surprise as she said your name.
In your mind, this seems to be your first meeting, but it isn't, at least not for Cen Zheng.
Even earlier, on a local TV sports program, Cen Zheng finished a long match and walked past the TV, drenched in sweat, when his peripheral vision suddenly caught sight of your radiant smiling face on the screen.
You were laughing so happily, so happily that it made her mind go blank for a moment. So she just stood in front of the TV, watching the whole program in a daze, listening to how the host cheerfully introduced your resume and reported your outstanding performance in the youth competition. The picture quality of that old TV was blurry, but she remembered you.
Zhou Zeyi, she knew you much earlier than you think.
So when you first meet him, you are surprised that the famous Cen Zheng knows your name, and you feel flattered and honored. But you don't know that the so-called "famous" Cen Zheng has been paying attention to you for a very long time.
From the Youth Palace to the city team, then from the city team to the provincial team, and then he appeared in front of her.
Was the journey so tiring? The once-promising young girl who shone with boundless hope on television, did the huge gap and setbacks in your first year in Beijing make you doubt yourself? Did you feel like you were just an ordinary person in the vast sea of people? Did the smiles on your face disappear because of all this? Did your silence and depression also stem from this?
Yes, Zhou Zeyu, like countless others like you, you've fallen into such deep self-doubt, but there's no need for that, you don't understand.
Because even among a group of geniuses, you are the best one.
But you don't understand all of this, you don't understand the rules and discipline of this land. The opportunity to stand out does not belong to outstanding people, and the road ahead is not paved with sweat and effort. What puts you in a corner is not that you are not good enough, but that you are too stupid.
You lack background, resources, and connections. You're a bit stubborn, or to put it bluntly, inflexible. You never understand that it's more worthwhile to yield and humble yourself appropriately. So what's the point of rigidly adhering to dogma?
Cen Zheng could almost foresee your future, not because she was particularly smart, but because of habit. She had seen too many people like you, and fortunately, among so many people, she only stopped and, unusually, gave you that help.
She wasn't stupid; she knew that clichéd acts of kindness were better given to stray dogs on the street than to her many competitors. Competitive sports don't need well-intentioned mutual support; that would only seem foolish.
So you should understand that her help to you is not entirely unconditional.
The initial planner of this matter was not Cen Zheng. Somewhat arrogantly, she believed in her own strength and was confident that no one could take away her rock-solid position. Taking precautions seemed unnecessary, so it was proposed by someone else.
You're probably familiar with this name, Zhou Zeyu, after all, you hate him, and even held her hand and kept cursing him for so many nights.
Perhaps that's not wrong, because to you, Coach Huang is certainly not a good coach, but to her, he is, because they are essentially the same kind of people.
Is it funny that we're just passing through? Actually, sometimes she couldn't stand what he did. It was too despicable, too dirty, and too low-class. Cen Zheng wouldn't dare to claim that he was particularly upright, but at least he wouldn't do anything that would lower his status. But the truth was cruel; they had always been in the same boat.
What Coach Huang did was something he had done countless times before, so skillfully that he could do it effortlessly.
For example, selecting one person from among many inexperienced young people, someone who can be used as a scapegoat, a shield, and a bloodsucker for many years.
To be honest, Cen Zheng didn't want to play the victim and say that her pressure and helplessness were no less than anyone else's, but after all, she had already received too much, so even complaining seemed like whining without cause, so she didn't want to say anything more.
However, the decision-making power in this matter is not in her hands, which is undeniable. The maximum freedom she has within her control is to decide who that person is.
And she chose you.
Choosing such a role requires many reasons, such as a weak and compromising personality, a weak background and connections that are not worth worrying about, a certain level of strength, and most importantly, an inseparable affection for her.
Many people say that Cen Zheng is a good person, and she sometimes feels that way herself. She takes on responsibilities and obligations, handles social interactions and flatters others, and deals with people. Therefore, in a theoretical sense, it seems that she has done enough good deeds.
Only when she is facing you, and only when she is facing you, will she realize that all of this is nonsense.
Her possessiveness, her jealousy, her resentment and bitterness, all her unknown dark side, will only be exposed in front of you.
Only in the instant you look at her with a smile will Cen Zheng suddenly realize how fake her smile is, so fake that it makes her a laughingstock. Did you notice? When the crack slowly appears on her face, and your eyes happen to fall on her, did you notice anything amiss, or did you find it strange?
Of course you don't.
Even Cen Zheng often felt that you were relying on her too much, or even trusting her too much.
But this is normal. After all, you grew up in a kind world created for you by Coach Xu, and you were raised to be simple and innocent. It's understandable that you don't understand these things. In fact, your natural weakness and tendency to compromise are things that she can take advantage of.
This is your first time traveling far from home, your first time saying goodbye to Coach Xu who has protected you since childhood, and your first time encountering so many helpless setbacks and hardships. The immense pressure shrouds you in a dark and hopeless world, making you sensitive, fragile, and introverted. And just at this moment, she appears.
Favorable timing, advantageous location, and harmonious relationships.
In a relationship, what's most important? Is it open communication? Trust? Or something else important?
Actually, none of that matters, because Cen Zheng didn't need any of that. From the time he met you to the first time he accepted your open-hearted confession, it seemed like only three or four months had passed. It all happened so easily.
A gentle facade is very useful. A smiling expression, soft eyes, and appropriate, just-right care—most importantly, she makes her kindness to you seem risk-free, wrapping her desires in sugar-coated bullets, then soaking you in honey, pretending to be completely honest and open her heart to you.
That's enough. All of these things combined will deepen your feelings for her until you can't live without her and can't forget her.
So the next step is also clear: she lures you from the Zhejiang team to the Beijing team, allocates those unimportant resources to you, puts your name on the roster, pulls you next to her in group photos, takes you to various social occasions, uses official language to get to know people you would never have met in your life, the best training facilities, priority training venues, top-tier privileges and qualifications... She has always been very generous to you.
After all, this is understandable; only those who have tasted the sweetness will become more and more deeply involved, and you happen to be someone who can see through things so easily.
So do you understand now? Zhou Zeyu, without her, you should have been like those other small-town men and women who came to Beijing with you, returning home with dreams that could never be realized. But you were luckier than them, or rather, you were inherently more outstanding than them.
With limited resources, you quickly transformed yourself, seizing every insignificant opportunity to rise to the top. In a very short time, she watched you follow closely behind her, your eyes darting around, then you lowered your head slightly, pretending to be nonchalant.
But you can't fool her, Zhou Zeyu. Of course Cen Zheng knows what you're thinking. Don't you have any ambition? Absolutely not. During the days you were following behind her, didn't you ever have any longing, fantasy, or even possessiveness for things that didn't belong to you?
Of course you did, but back then you were... too sentimental, and you were truly a naive and overly kind person in the conventional sense.
Growing up in such an environment, Cen Zheng had naturally heard many stories about the farmer and the snake. This was why she had previously observed things with a cold eye. It was common for many people to be blinded by desire. After that, they would stop at nothing to get more, or even turn around and destroy the seniors who had helped them. After devouring the other party's flesh and blood, they would move forward as if nothing had happened.
The lessons learned from the past made Cen Zheng wary. Of course, she was on guard against you, even meticulously planning her defenses. But over time, she seemed to realize that it was completely unnecessary, because you were never the snake.
You are not a snake, you are a hedgehog, a hedgehog willing to expose its belly to her. The quills will never attack her; they are what you use to protect her.
Lovely, pitiful Zhou Zeyu, your ambition was suppressed by your emotions. There was never a trace of covetousness in your eyes when you looked at her; at most, you felt gratitude and respect.
Gratitude and reverence?
Actually, you could have been more ruthless, which would have been better. You were both just using each other, and she wouldn't have to toss and turn at night because of guilt and pain. But you're not that kind of person. You can't do anything to betray her, and you would never take away her space. Sometimes you're even willing to compromise yourself to make things right for her.
So you're too naive, even a little foolish. Your insatiable greed is limited to the small world in front of you. Sometimes, when Cen Zheng looks at your calm and collected demeanor, he even gets a secret, disappointed feeling.
But it was just an illusion, because it was only a fleeting thought. Cen Zheng was not a saint after all. If you were to truly awaken one day, you would be the one who suffers.
She admitted that on one ordinary day, watching you wiping your racket in the sunlight, she felt like giving up—giving up on all these complicated things, since you could never hurt her, and you would always stand loyally behind her.
People always make silly mistakes, right?
However, after she came to her senses, she knew that this wouldn't work, because you were getting stronger every day, because you were winning one game after another, because you were beginning to rise to fame and even thrive.
Because as you rise to power, she is irresistibly weakening.
You are six years apart. When you were still watching competition videos in the youth palace, she was an unmissable champion newcomer on the screen. When you were slowly wasting your time in the provincial team, she had already become an indispensable backbone of the team. Ironically, when you slowly grew up and stood in front of her, she suddenly realized that she had reached the end of her professional career.
Which athlete would willingly admit that their youth is over? Would they willingly relinquish the honor and dignity they hold so tightly? Would they willingly let themselves fall and get bruised and battered on the downhill slope? Cen Zheng is definitely not that kind of person.
After going around in circles, the question seems to have returned to the beginning: when exactly did jealousy silently creep into her feelings for you, and when and where did that jealousy secretly grow and ferment, even destroying her spirit and reason?
Cen Zheng didn't know.
She grew up in a typical, cold, and sophisticated family. It seemed that the education she received from childhood had nothing to do with "sharing" and "care." So it was obvious that she would become another respectable predator, just like her parents, with an overly tolerant attitude towards jealousy and competition.
Cen Zheng had always felt that she could easily distinguish these emotions. After all, she didn't need too many. Excessive emotions would only be a burden. Whether it was concern or jealousy, they all seemed to be understandable.
But one day she suddenly realized that she didn't know whether there was any essential difference between the two seemingly unrelated words, jealousy and care.
So what is care, and what is jealousy? These two emotions coexist within her, yet she realizes she can no longer control them.
The result of letting things run wild was, of course, a complete mess.
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