Chapter 73 Fourteen Bridges He actually remembered one of her sentences for so long…
Cui Yilu frowned subconsciously, not understanding how he interpreted her simple question as her confessing that she had feelings for him.
That's not what I meant.
She felt a little relieved at most. After all, he had really helped her a lot back then. She wasn't an ungrateful person, so it was only right for her to comfort him, wasn't it? It wasn't because she had feelings for him.
Jiang Yunjin's eyes suddenly darkened.
Cui Yiluo's heart tightened, as if she had been suddenly gripped by a large hand. She opened her lips, then closed them again with a hint of helplessness.
She thought to herself that she didn't like this feeling at all.
The room was silent, with the candlelight flickering.
"When did you recognize me?" Cui Yiluo asked softly.
Jiang Yunjin gently tucked a few stray strands of hair that had fallen beside her ear behind her ear. His warm fingertips touched her earlobe, causing her to tremble slightly again.
It was clearly a very simple, even gentle, action, but Cui Yiluo sensed a strong sense of possessiveness in it.
He answered succinctly as always: "After marriage."
Something's not right.
Cui Yiluo recalled that in Qingchi Alley, he said he didn't initially protect her as a pawn. But if he recognized her then, why did he want to stay far away from her, to have no connection with her at all? He clearly said that she was the most special person to him. But if he only recognized her later, why did he say he didn't treat her as a pawn at first? He clearly only obeyed Xiao Jing's orders to protect her life because of her identity, didn't he?
Cui Yiluo's mind suddenly cleared for a moment. If he had truly recognized her from the very beginning, then with his intelligence and keen perception, he would have seen right through her disguise and scheming. And then there was the wine she had deliberately handed him, laced with a bewitching potion…
The charcoal brazier inside the room was burning very brightly. Jiang Yunjin seemed afraid that she would get cold, so he always had people add more charcoal. Even the woven carpet in the room was replaced with a wool carpet, making the whole bedroom warm and cozy.
Despite the warmth, Cui Yiluo felt a chill run down her spine. They were too close; she sat on his lap, her upper body instinctively trying to move back, but she couldn't. His long arms were wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly in his embrace.
Jiang Yunjin stared at her intently.
Looking at his cool, jade-like face, she wavered again. He used to be an impeccably upright gentleman; she was the one who ruined his gentlemanly ways, turning him into the person he is now. How could she doubt the man he once was?
"So, you already knew that long before you heard my stepmother say those things."
Jiang Yunjin hummed in agreement.
“Aro, I told you, you were in a difficult situation back then, you did nothing wrong.”
Like a fire suddenly ignited in the cold night, Cui Yiluo was burned to the point of being somewhat delirious, yet she couldn't help but crave this warmth.
He had said this before, during the Yao family incident. But back then she had some doubts; now…
Cui Yiluo felt as if a piece of her heart had been softened and collapsed by the heat of the fire.
She asked him very seriously, "So, what about you back then? Why did you want to die, and why did you end up like that later?"
Only now did she finally understand why Jiang Zhaoyue said he had done something utterly rebellious, and why the household was so tight-lipped about it. A person on whom everyone placed their hopes, who displayed extraordinary talent from a young age, suddenly ran away from home one day, leaving without saying goodbye, even contemplating ending everything.
It's all because of rules and etiquette.
While in the cave, he intended to wait out the rain and then find a spacious place to end his life.
But then he ran into her.
But he didn't tell her the whole story then. She only knew that he couldn't stand the control at home, so he ran away and wanted to end his life to find relief. At that time, she had some idea that he was the eldest or only son of some wealthy family, but she never associated him with Jiang Yunjin.
Recalling his lean yet lonely figure, vaguely visible in the darkness of the damp, cold cave, Cui Yiluo suddenly felt a lump in her throat.
He had once rebelled against the heavy burden of rules, even running away from home and traveling thousands of miles to Ningzhou. But she remembered that she had clearly told him then that once he became independent, he would be free from the constraints of rules, and everything would change. Someone like her was still struggling in the swamp; how could he be so rash?
The forsythia she gave him was a symbol of new life and resilience.
But after returning to Shengjing, he was no longer willing to be bound by rules and regulations, becoming the most respectful, courteous, humble, and solemn gentleman in the capital. His initial will to resist seemed to have been completely extinguished.
But at the same time, he treasured that forsythia flower and planted a forsythia tree in front of his bedroom window.
She asked directly, but Jiang Yunjin kept looking down at her, clearly avoiding her gaze.
"I want to hear the whole thing."
He replied quickly: "Aro, you don't want to hear that."
Cui Yiluo scoffed, "How did you know? Jiang Yunjin, I'm not as old-fashioned as you."
If someone as rigid as him can accept her miserable past, shouldn't she be even more able to accept it?
Jiang Yunjin's eyes were complicated, and his tone contained a hint of helplessness: "A'Luo, this matter is not as simple as you think."
Cui Yiluo gave a faint reply, then pressed, "How complicated is it?"
Jiang Yunjin remained silent.
“Jiang Yunjin, you know my past, but you keep silent about your own affairs. That’s not fair.”
He had no trust in her whatsoever, yet she trusted him completely. Cui Yiluo's breathing quickened, and she reached for his hands that were wrapped around her waist.
As I touched his wrist, I suddenly heard him speak.
"I killed my parents."
Cui Yiluo paused, her expression freezing for a moment, staring at him in disbelief: "What?"
Seeing her expression, Jiang Yunjin's self-mockery deepened, so much so that it stung her eyes. His usually straight back seemed to weaken, and he felt as if he had returned to the rainy days of six years ago.
"Now you understand, and you don't want to hear it."
Cui Yiluo subconsciously said, "I didn't..."
"Most scions of prominent families in Shengjing entered officialdom at the age of eighteen through the influence of their ancestors."
Cui Yilu frowned: "But you're not sixteen..."
Halfway through her speech, she suddenly realized something, and her heart sank even further.
Jiang Yunjin gave a soft "hmm".
At the age of fifteen, his father summoned him to the study as usual. His father was always serious and never smiled, so he did not expect that his father was going to talk to him about entering officialdom. Although he had guessed that he would be faster than his peers, he did not expect it to be this fast.
His father said a lot to him, much of which he had heard before: to rise above others and bring glory to the family; the Jiang family could only rely on him. But perhaps it was because he had heard too much that the last straw broke the camel's back.
Seeing his somber expression, Cui Yilu could almost guess what was going on, and remained silent for a long time.
"What does this have to do with the passing of your parents?"
Jiang Yunjin lowered his eyes and slowly began to speak, his tone so calm it was almost frightening, as if a part of his soul had been ripped out.
“After I left the capital, my father searched for me everywhere. One day, a sudden downpour caused him to fall off his horse.” Jiang Yunjin paused, then continued, “After that, he fell ill and was bedridden. He passed away in less than half a month. When I returned to Shengjing, he had already been dead for three days.”
Cui Yiluo's heart trembled. She could almost imagine him finally coming to his senses, giving up on suicide, and returning to Shengjing Prefecture, only to be met with a scene of white banners everywhere. Her throat tightened, and her heart felt as if it had been torn apart.
“My mother always blamed me for being unfilial and causing my father’s death. She was depressed because of my father’s sudden death and passed away a year later.”
Cui Yiluo finally understood why the Jiang family never mentioned the deceased first wife and her husband, and why they sealed off the small courtyard where they lived.
Jiang Yunjin's mother never forgave him until her death. And he probably wouldn't forgive himself either, so he became even more disciplined than before. Even though he understood, he willingly remained bound by etiquette, working tirelessly day and night. At the age of twenty-one, he was promoted to Grand Secretary.
It felt like a heavy stone was pressing down on my chest.
It was late at night, and although it was New Year's Eve, the place was as quiet as usual. Whispers in the middle of the night were low sounds that only the other person could hear.
Cui Yilu remained silent for a long time. Jiang Yunjin seemed to understand her attitude from her silence. His face grew darker and darker, and his eyes became lifeless. However, he did not loosen his grip on her at all.
Just as his eyes were completely darkening, he heard her soft voice.
"This is not your fault."
A flicker of surprise crossed his eyes, and he seemed slightly lost in thought, a look of bewilderment he had never shown before appearing on his face, as if he couldn't quite understand her words. However, she also anticipated that no one in the past six years would have said those words to him, neither Old Madam Jiang nor his uncles.
She composed herself: "Your father's fall from his horse was something you couldn't have foreseen when you left Shengjing; it was an accident no one could have known. And what happened afterward was neither what you anticipated nor what you hoped for. For you, it's simply that you no longer wanted to follow the rules you've upheld for over a decade, nothing more. I understand you can't accept it, and you may never understand it. But you shouldn't take all the blame upon yourself, nor should you listen to them completely."
She knew that those who knew the inside story back then probably all thought he was the one who killed her parents; otherwise, he wouldn't have taken such a strict adherence to propriety and education to such an extreme. Anyone in the Jiang household who subtly or overtly hinted at this sentiment could subject someone raised with the strict morals and filial piety of childhood to a fate worse than death by a thousand cuts.
She spoke rather quickly, and Jiang Yunjin, who was usually quick-witted, seemed not to have caught on at this moment.
He looked at her with a complicated expression: "Is that really what you think?"
Cui Yiluo nodded slightly, then deliberately added, "But this is just my opinion, and I doubt you'll listen to it anyway."
If Old Madam Jiang heard what she said tonight, she would probably be punished with family discipline.
Jiang Yunjin stared at her intently, shook his head slightly, pursed his lips, but ultimately said nothing.
What he really wanted to say was that it was enough for him that she thought that way.
"If you think it's because you broke the rules... then why did you keep that forsythia flower and even plant a forsythia tree?"
Cui Yiluo didn't understand. Shouldn't he be disgusted by her words?
Jiang Yunjin glanced at the forsythia tree outside the window; its shadow was obscured by thick silk, making it appear somewhat hazy and indistinct. Then he looked at her; her face was still bright and beautiful in the dim candlelight.
After returning to Shengjing, because of his parents' incident, he felt like he was wearing shackles again. He restrained himself from looking for her, but to him, she had become the most special person in his life.
"Didn't you tell me that forsythia represents hope?"
Cui Yiluo was taken aback, and could almost sense the struggle and contradiction in his heart.
And he actually remembered one of her sentences for so long.
A thought struck her: "So, my husband has completely broken the rules now?"
Jiang Yunjin's handsome features were now slightly tinged with a faint smile as he repeated his previous answer: "Didn't you say you didn't want me to guard this place?"
Cui Yilu hooked her arm around his neck and smiled brightly, "Aren't you going to blame me? I ruined all your rules."
Jiang Yunjin looked at her with deep eyes but did not answer.
Cui Yiluo didn't press further, only saying, "Tonight, we should sit silently around the hearth until dawn. Will my husband follow this rule?"
Jiang Yunjin remained silent.
Suddenly, darkness fell before her eyes. Cui Yiluo saw him lower his face, his sharply defined features softened in the candlelight, as he gently nibbled at her lips with tender affection.
Author's Note: Actually, one of the initial goals of this story was to explore the theme of dual redemption [doge emoji]
Happy National Day! [heart emoji]
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