Chapter 38: A fierce quarrel. You are not responsible for my life. ...
Yu Han turned off the tablet in annoyance, went back to the bed and lay down, thinking.
I racked my brains for half an hour, trying to find a way to continue going to school or even study together, but to no avail.
Now, let alone studying together, it is difficult for her to get into university on her own.
The final exams are in October. The results of the final exams will not have much impact, and you will be able to graduate after all. However, there are A-Level exams in December.
This score is used in Singapore’s university entrance exams.
If she doesn't do well in this exam, she will have to give up her studies even if she doesn't want to, and she must try again next year.
But if she doesn't study for these three months, how can she possibly do well in the A-Level exams?
This is what is connected, it is a dead end.
Yu Han couldn't figure it out, and was bored browsing the internet.
During the days when the accident happened, Shen Ze had something to ask her, and after she replied to him recently, he asked her today if she was feeling better.
“Yes, there are better ones every day,” she replied.
"That's fine, that's fine." He joked, "Otherwise, we'd all be finished. When we couldn't contact you those few days, Qin Yi was completely off, and we didn't dare to contact him."
Yu Han knew he would be anxious, but when she saw the message, she felt a rare new feeling in her heart, uncomfortable and... excited.
Maybe she couldn't imagine how much he cared about her, maybe he already regarded her as a part of his life?
Qin Yi is the person who knows her best besides her family. He knows everything about her illnesses, their consequences, what kind of living habits she should have, how to save her and what medicines to take if something happens.
To put it bluntly, she has been living under his care for the past few years. Although they are remote, she often relies on him to watch over her when she is not sure about the importance of things. She will look for him first when she is undecided, cry to him when she is sad, and share her happiness with him.
He is her eternal protector, so he may also regard her as an inseparable part of his life.
She told Shen Ze that she was fine and not to worry, then casually asked him which school he was going to apply to and if there was anyone who was with Qin Yi.
Shen Ze: "Probably not. We don't know what he is going to read yet."
"You don't know what he's going to read?" she was surprised.
"I don't know. He won't tell me even if I ask him."
Yu Han was curious: "Why not tell me? Should his major be kept secret? Which university did he sign a confidentiality agreement with?"
Shen Ze smiled: "No, he simply hasn't decided yet. None of us teachers know about it. Several teachers are arguing about him every day now."
"Then do you know which school he attends?"
Shen Ze: "You don't know this either? Don't you two study together?"
“…” My heart felt like it was stabbed with a knife.
Chen Ze: "Qin Yi is just one of those schools in Taipei, but they are among the best. I am still a little short of the others, and I don't want to waste my time trying to get that little score. I am considering going abroad."
"You're going abroad." Yu Han cried with envy. She could only explain why she didn't return home, "I'm not qualified enough to apply to a domestic school as an international student right now, so we probably won't study together."
Shen Ze understood: "Then you two will study separately for four years. This is too impressive."
“…”
I can’t chat today. I’ll get depressed if I continue.
After logging out, Yu Han clicked on the group photo of the event that someone had posted before.
There were so many people, maybe because classmate Jin was the one she was most familiar with, so she subconsciously noticed him first every time.
I haven't seen him for almost a year. I don't know what he is like or what school he is applying to.
Do you want to ask him?
Forget it, what’s the point of asking? No one will come to Singapore to study at university anyway.
She hadn't seen this photo since the accident. Now, looking at it again, Yu Han was not sure whether the man in black was Qin Yi.
Because he said it wasn't before.
At that time, she always felt that he was lying to her on purpose, but when she suddenly looked at him, she suddenly discovered a problem: he was not wearing the Lanzhong school uniform.
Although some other people inside did not wear it, classmate Jin did.
Qin Yi seems to wear it normally, right? That's the school's rule.
This basketball game was played in an exhibition hall, so everyone in our school should have worn it.
So could it be that this person really isn't Qin Yi?
Aren’t all those who are not wearing school uniforms included in the list?
Yu Han's gaze suddenly fell on the man surnamed Jin. If one were to exclude people based on their school uniforms, then this person was basically the only one whose appearance matched Qin Yi's characteristics.
Yu Han's mind was buzzing as she recalled what Qin Yi had said before: why not suspect the person who had the phone...
She took a deep breath and said, No way! No way!
My head suddenly started to hurt.
Yu Han dropped her phone, covered her head and lay down on the bed to rest.
She gets a headache if she looks at electronic devices too much now, she can’t look at them.
For the next day, Yu Han had no time to care about who the hateful Qin classmate was in the photo. She could only think about her future intermittently when her headache didn't stop.
Until the evening, the only way she could think of to stop herself from feeling depressed and miserable was to ask Qin Yi, "Can you accept that we are out of step with each other... We are different now. Will you feel as sad as when you were abandoned in high school?"
Yu Han felt sorry for him. She stood him up once in high school, but she didn't expect it to happen again in college.
Late at night, when everyone in the family was asleep, Yu Han quietly got up, walked outside the ward, found a quiet and deserted stairwell, sat down, and made a voice call.
Qin Yi was just finishing a game out of boredom at that time.
The mobile phone left on the computer desk quietly lit up the screen in the middle of the night, and a name that I had been thinking about day and night popped up.
Qin Yi immediately picked it up and clicked the green button.
"Hanhan?" He stood up and walked towards the balcony.
"Are you asleep? Did I disturb you?" Yu Han lowered her head and spoke in a very soft voice. Even in the stairwell, she was afraid of disturbing others late at night and she also felt that she was in a low mood.
"No, I'm not that early. I'm playing games." The boy's gentle and smiling voice penetrated into his heart and lungs in the night.
Yu Han felt a little better, but in some ways, she seemed to be even more depressed.
When she heard his voice, she would feel relaxed and in a good mood physically, but the matter was closely related to him, so she really couldn't relax.
If it weren't for this relationship, she would have just accepted the one-year leave of absence without giving it any thought.
"Why aren't you resting so late?" Qin Yi asked her on the phone. "Do you have a headache? Or are you feeling unwell somewhere?"
"No." Yu Han murmured softly, "I'm just so annoyed that I can't sleep."
"What's wrong? What are you thinking about?"
"My hands are like this, I can't study. I look at the computer too much and my head hurts. I can't study at all."
"Then we won't learn it. We won't learn it." He said subconsciously, "We'll talk about it after we get better."
"It'll take a long time. My exams at the end of the year are going to be ruined."
There was a moment of silence on the phone. After several seconds, he asked, "It will take a few months, right? Hanhan."
"Um."
Yu Han's gaze fell on her own gray shadow in the stairwell. The moonlight pouring in from the high windows made her seem even more lonely at this moment.
Yu Han: "Qin Yi, I'm considering taking a leave of absence from school."
"What……"
"Suspension of study."
"no."
Yu Han didn't know why he disagreed, and blurted out these two words, but it didn't matter. She had already sorted out all her words before coming out to make the call.
She said: "I really can't study. My right hand is broken and it will take about three months to recover. By then I will be taking my final exams soon. This exam is not important, but I will only have less than two months to prepare for A-Levels."
The stairwell was quiet as no sound came from the phone, silence.
Yu Han pretended to be nonchalant and said, "So, if you don't do well in the A-Level exam, now is the best option compared to taking a leave of absence."
The line was still quiet with only the sound of breathing. Yu Han didn't understand why he was so silent at this moment. There had never been such long silence on their phone calls.
The only possibility is that he is in a bad mood.
The thing she worries about most.
But having said that, she certainly had the courage to say everything she needed to say. "I want to tell you, I'm sorry. I broke my promise a few years ago, and now I'm breaking it again..."
Quiet.
Yu Han originally wanted to ask him if they could go to college one after the other, but because of his excessive silence, after she said what she needed to say, she really couldn't ask anything else.
She sniffed, and her voice suddenly became hoarse, with a nasal sound: "Why don't you say a word? If you are unhappy or angry, then speak."
Finally, a low and hoarse voice came to my ears.
"What about next? What should we do?"
Yu Han was stunned, holding up her phone and staring blankly at her own thin shadow on the ground.
Qin Yi: "According to my plan, we can study at a university in Singapore together."
Yu Han: "I've already said this, no."
Qin Yi: "Since that's not possible, then one of us will be in China and the other in Singapore, right? That's impossible in the United States. You know Hanhan. So, we didn't study together to begin with. If you take a leave of absence and aren't in the same year as me, then the distance between us will only grow larger."
Yu Han had thought about this thoroughly. She was afraid that he cared about the different frequencies because she knew that the gaps would become larger and larger, but she could not find any idea to break the situation.
She said, "I know, but there's nothing I can do. I can't... I'm sorry."
Qin Yi: "My plan is that we can study separately. I will fly to Singapore once a week, or once every two weeks. We won't be in different places like we are now. No. We can study together as graduate students. It's absolutely possible."
Yu Han opened her eyes wide, and after a while, she returned to reality: "But I can't help it. I'm sorry."
Qin Yi: "Don't just say sorry. If that's the case, and you think we didn't study together, and you're a year behind, we won't even be able to study together as graduate students. We'll never be able to study together in this life, you'll be completely unhappy and depressed, and then you won't want to play anymore, and you'll disappear."
Yu Han's thoughts seemed to be frozen by the cold winter wind, unable to move at all.
Qin Yi: "Is it? Will it?"
It was Yu Han's turn to be silent. Not only did she not say a word of rebuttal, she didn't even have a word of rebuttal in her chest or in her heart. She felt that these things seemed to be really going to happen.
He seemed to understand her silence particularly well and said, "From the beginning to the end, I knew it was you who wanted to read it together. My thoughts weren't even as strong as yours. I could accept it anyway. But can you really accept the direction we're taking? This ending is so much worse than expected. Can you accept it? Tell me."
Yu Han collapsed and blurted out: "But it's the same whether you accept it or not, there is no difference. Even if I study hard and don't drop out of school, we still can't go to the same school.
I just want a school. What you said about you coming to visit me is unrealistic. I can't ask you to come to Singapore to see me several times a month. I can't do that. I can't accept it. But if you don't come, it won't make much difference whether we are separated or not.
"What do you mean, no difference?" he demanded. "You think not seeing each other is no different from being apart."
"right."
A deep breath came from the phone.
Qin Yi patiently asked, "Why do you think there's no difference? We were in the same year, but now we're not together. Graduate students can..."
"That's too far away," she blurted out. "I broke my promise in high school, and I broke my promise in college. I know better than you how uncertain the future is, and how false and easily changeable people's words can be. I don't believe you when you tell me this. Haven't you been deceived enough by me?!"
“…”
"Besides, there are still four years of graduate school. I'm tired of waiting after two years of high school. I can't wait for four years." She emphasized in a tearful voice.
"Hanhan." Qin Yi's tone softened instantly. "I'm sorry, don't be angry, don't be angry, Hanhan, I just had a headache."
Yu Han buried her head in her knees and cried.
Qin Yi: "Let's not talk about the future, let's just talk about now, okay? Why do you feel that not reading together is the same as reading separately? There's no difference?"
She choked up and said, "Because I can't see or touch you, who knows which pretty girl in school you're hanging out with."
“…” Qin Yi never thought that this was the reason.
He leaned against the balcony railing, feeling the warm breeze of Singapore's autumn night, quietly holding his slightly warm cell phone, thinking.
"No."
"meeting."
"Don't argue with me. Am I me, or are you me?"
“…”
Yu Han took a deep breath and said, "I won't argue with you, okay? But the problem is that I just can't take the A-Level exam. I can't. Can you understand? This is the reason why I called you."
Qin Yi: "Okay, let's talk about this. But wait until your hands can move again. There are still two months before the exam, Hanhan."
"Do you think I'm you?" Yu Han blurted out, and laughed angrily. She couldn't help laughing when she thought of her own strength. "I spent two months studying for this brain of mine, and it's the same as having no brain at all. I'm not you, you better understand."
"No, Hanhan, listen to me..."
"I am who I am. You have no way of knowing my specific situation. It's just not possible. If it really isn't possible, don't pin your hopes on me."
Qin Yi felt that she was a little emotionally disturbed and a little broken because of this situation, so every sentence she said was going around in a dead end.
"You called to talk about taking a leave of absence, but in reality, you were saying that we couldn't be together anymore, right?"
Yu Han was speechless... No, before calling him, I wanted to ask him if we could just read it one after the other. I wanted to ask him if he would still be with me, not mind the distance between us, and not be with someone else because of this distance.
That's what she wanted to ask.
Why did the conversation get to this point? It was about to get into a quarrel. Yu Han's mind was a mess now, and she couldn't make sense of the cause and effect.
Compared to her, Qin Yi was terrifyingly calm: "I don't agree with you taking a leave of absence. I think you can take the exam. There is a chance that you can succeed. You are such a good student. You can give it a try instead of giving up now. If you give up, you will have no chance at all.
And why do I want you to insist? Because I don't agree to separate. I know that if you drop out of school, our ending will definitely be separation."
Yu Han: "If you are sure that you won't be with anyone else, then this situation doesn't hold true. I'm just worried about that."
"I promise you now, and you don't even believe it. How can you believe it next year? I just said that next year you will not only be far away from me in terms of distance, but also in school and in a later grade. How can you trust me even more?"
“…”
"Won't it be divided by then?"
“…”
"The points are fine, but what if next year, because of what happened to us, you become discouraged, depressed, and don't study hard? If you don't do well on the test again, what will happen? I will never allow that to happen."
"But I can't take the exam. I really can't this year." Yu Han was about to collapse. "I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. How am I supposed to study? I'm not as good as you think."
"Then forget it, forget it. We'll talk about it after you're discharged from the hospital. I'm hanging up now, go to sleep."
"There's nothing much to say." She sniffed, her voice choked with sobs. "I thought about it all day and called you, but you didn't listen to me. I don't know what to do. I don't know."
"Hanhan." He called anxiously, "Don't do this."
"I've been thinking about it all day." She sobbed and buried her tears in her knees.
The sound of faint sobs passed through, and the night wind seemed to drop ten degrees in an instant.
Qin Yi's hand holding the phone turned pale: "Don't cry, Hanhan, don't cry."
She sobbed and said, "You should rest early and stop talking."
She hung up the phone.
Carefully climbing up from the stairs, Yu Han rubbed her knee with her unharmed left hand, held on to the wall, carefully opened the emergency door, left the stairwell and returned to the ward.
I felt groggy all night and didn't sleep much. The next day, when I looked at the tablet, I felt a sharp pain in my head as if it was broken. I couldn't even concentrate on studying today.
At noon, while eating after the infusion, she received a message from someone asking her how her day was.
For the first time, Yu Han didn't want to reply to the message and avoided it physiologically.
She didn't know how to talk to him.
But in the end, the reply came: "That's it."
From those three words, one could tell she was in a very bad mood. Qin Yi hadn't felt this kind of emotion from her in the past few years. She wasn't the type to throw tantrums or argue.
The phone was silent for half a minute, and then his WeChat message came again.
"Give it a try, okay? If it doesn't work out, we'll take a break. If it doesn't work out, we'll take it again next year. I just want you to give it a try, don't give up now. If you give up now, we'll have nothing, Hanhan."
Yu Han picked up the phone and replied immediately, but because she typed with her left hand, it was very slow and she sent the message intermittently.
"If you work hard, we can study together."
“I still have the motivation to work hard.”
"But I think we can't be together. Four years is too long. There are too many uncertainties in this time. I can't let you just give and come to me blindly."
He replied: "I promise, I won't, Hanhan. I will go, definitely."
Yu Han didn't know how to explain this feeling of powerlessness, powerlessness over her own injuries, powerlessness over her confidence in him...
But I didn’t know how to deny it, so I could only say, “Okay, I’ll try my best.”
Her answer was too smooth, and compared to the rejection just now, it was too obviously perfunctory. Qin Yi was stunned when he saw the message, and said subconsciously.
"You are not allowed to give me a perfunctory treatment."
This sentence completely started the progress bar of the time bomb.
Yu Han said: "What should I do if I don't perfunctorily treat you? I can't make an effort. I don't believe in myself, I don't believe in you, I hate this damn body of mine. I am just perfunctorily treating you. Please don't talk to me. I don't want to quarrel with you.
This whole thing started with me. I've broken my promises and stood you up time and time again. I'm not a good person. I'm arguing with you because it makes me look weird and like I'm sick. Please stop sending me messages."
After reading this sentence, Qin Yi felt as if the world was spinning around him.
"So you are starting to feel depressed and discouraged now? There is no need to wait until next year." he asked.
Yu Han: "Yes, leave me alone!"
Qin Yi: “…”
He picked up the cigarette box on the table, lit a cigarette and smoked for a long time before he could ease the numbness in his heart...
After calming down, he sent a message calmly: "Talk nicely, Hanhan, don't say these things."
"I don't know what to say. I asked you to stop sending it to me. I don't want to argue with you."
"Don't say that, and we won't have to quarrel. Do you know what you just said?"
"That's the truth."
"..." Qin Yi asked, "You want me to leave you alone, right?"
"right."
"Who cares about you then?"
"Who wants to control me? Only sick people would control me. Why should I be controlled? I'm just an average student. I've left you time and time again and live in a foreign country with you. I have a bad temper and I'm sick all over. I'd die if I had a fever. I hate myself so much that I don't want to live anymore. Why do you control me? We're just online friends."
“…”
Qin Yi, cigarette between his lips and phone in hand, quietly read the video five times, a full five times, and finally asked, "Netizen?"
"Yes, we were just online friends. We've talked about it many times. Don't you know? Have we ever said we were together? No, not from the beginning to the end."
“…” Qin Yi had never experienced this feeling of falling into an ice cellar in his life.
She continued to send murderous and heartbreaking messages: "You are not responsible for my life. Whether I am discouraged or depressed, it has nothing to do with you, and you have no right to control me."
"I'm not qualified?"
"Yes. I wish Qin a bright future. Please don't contact me anymore."
He gritted his teeth and typed: "Say it again."
Yu Han: "I copied it myself. My hands hurt and I don't want to fight."
"..." Qin Yi was so angry that he laughed.
But when he saw the words "hand hurts", he took several more puffs of cigarette before he could ease the pain in his heart.
His little princess is usually so obedient. He always thinks she is so good. If he tells her not to go to dangerous places, she won’t go. If he asks her to report to him wherever she goes abroad, she will report it once an hour or half an hour. She is so good.
The injury of half a month, which would affect his future, tortured his little princess to the point of madness, and she was talking nonsense all day and night.
Qin Yi sent a message again.
"You retract the message and I'll pretend I didn't see it. Let's talk about it again."
"You deleted my number and you can't see it anymore."
Qin Yi chuckled: "Are you sure? Think about it again."
Yu Han: "If you don't delete it, I will."
Qin Yi bit his cigarette and typed diligently, "Don't be so outspoken. I'm telling you, Yu Han, I've let you run wild. If I didn't, you'd just say whatever you want. Do you think Lan City is that far from Singapore?"
"?"
"If you say another word, I'll deal with you in person."
"Come on."
“…”
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