Chapter 78 Sand in My Palm: I'm Letting You Go.
Shen Yan is not the type of person who gives up halfway, probably because he also has a certain obsessive nature deep down; the more he can't have something, the more he wants to get it.
Therefore, even after being warned by Shen Yun, Shen Yan still appeared at the door of the main room the next day without fail.
Shen Yan was not afraid of Shen Yun, perhaps because in his memory, his father had always been very gentle with him and rarely blamed him.
Therefore, Shen Yan could ignore Shen Yun's orders.
He still squatted in front of the door, and when he was bored, he would look up and count the birds that flew by under the eaves.
Father seems to have become very busy again, leaving early and returning late every day. Occasionally, if you wait too late, you'll happen to run into him finishing his shift.
Father looked very tired. Although he always appeared calm, the obvious weariness between his brows and eyes made even Shen Yan vaguely sense that something was wrong.
He thought it was because he had disobeyed that he had finally displeased Shen Yun. He carefully stood up from the steps in front of the door. When facing the tall Shen Yun, Shen Yan lowered his head and looked so helpless and pitiful.
The way he timidly called out "Father" always made Shen Yun momentarily imagine Lin Shutang's appearance.
He crouched down, staring at the face that combined the best features of him and Lin Shutang. For the first time, Shen Yun doubted whether his initial decision was right or wrong.
He forcibly took her back to Yujing, forced her to marry him and have children, believing that this was what she owed him.
Ji Huaiyi said he had no choice, but was he really without a choice?
She collaborated with Xiyue, and then married Song Ying.
While he was desperately trying to save her life and rushing to Xi County, Zhou Ziyang, who was surrounded by a mob in the Battle of Black Pine Ridge because of his dereliction of duty, was pierced by a thousand arrows.
Did Shen Yun truly never harbor hatred?
Did he really feel even the slightest bit of reluctance when killing those people?
Was that really the best decision he could make after weighing the pros and cons?
"Father, I... I just want to see Mother."
Shen Yun remained silent, while Shen Yan lowered her head even further, thinking that she had truly angered her father this time, and her soft, sweet voice became tinged with sobs.
"Uncle Mingwei is three years older than me, so why is he allowed to stay in my father and mother's courtyard, while I'm the only one who has to be sent to my great-grandmother's?"
He still refused to admit his mistake, because wanting to be close to his mother was clearly a perfectly natural thing to do.
Shen Yan couldn't understand why it seemed like a luxury to him.
His usually bright black eyes gradually dimmed, becoming slightly moist, yet stubbornly refusing to fall.
She thought she would be severely reprimanded by her father, because even the servants serving her suddenly knelt down, their trembling appearance clearly indicating that they had said something wrong and that they might also be punished.
Unexpectedly, Shen Yun simply held his two little arms, her gentle tone tinged with a hint of difficulty, "Ayan, would you like to go back to your great-grandmother's place first? Tomorrow, you'll be able to see your mother tomorrow."
He made that promise to him.
Shen Yan's eyes suddenly lit up, and she looked at Shen Yun with some disbelief, "Really?"
Shen Yun's gaze fell on the closed door behind him, and Shen Yan couldn't quite describe the expression on his father's face at that moment.
He just felt that his father seemed to be suppressing some emotion, his eyes had become somewhat empty, and his tone was so faint that it seemed as if he could be scattered in the wind at any moment, "Really."
He responded.
Shen Yan happily returned to Crane Garden, tiptoed to pack his clothes. His father said that if his mother liked him tomorrow, he could move back to Jingyuan Residence.
Shen Yan hugged the rattle drum that Lin Shutang had given him and fell asleep happily, looking forward to tomorrow.
After Shen Yan left, Shen Yun finally pushed open that door again after more than half a month.
The room was quiet. Lin Shutang was not asleep; he was lying on the chaise longue under the flower window.
The latticed window was wide open, and the afterglow of the setting sun had faded outside. The serene moonlight seeped in like flowing water, bathing Lin Shutang in a hazy, jade-like glow, as if she were shrouded in an ethereal veil.
Hearing the sound, she didn't even turn her head, still leaning back on the couch, her eyes gazing at the bright moon in the sky through the window.
This was a rare sight of clear moonlight after days of continuous rain.
“Ayan has come many times, but you have never seen him.”
Shen Yun stood behind her, a hint of grievance hidden in his deep, hoarse voice.
He hoped that the child could soften Lin Shutang's heart even slightly, but there was no sound in the quiet room.
Shen Yun's words received no response; Lin Shutang didn't even lift an eyelid.
He could only walk toward her, and the last embers of his thoughts, like embers, were easily scattered by the wind.
He stopped a few steps away from her, not wanting to annoy Lin Shutang even more. He had been preparing his words for a long time, and they were like hot irons pressing against his throat, so that when he finally spoke, his voice was so hoarse and difficult to understand.
Lin Shutang opened his eyes in a daze, and for a moment he almost thought he was hallucinating.
He said, "I'll let you go."
She rose from the couch, looking at Shen Yun in disbelief. Suspicion, wariness, and understanding flashed across her ashen face, before quickly returning to calm, turning into a stagnant pool of contempt.
Shen Yun never does anything that doesn't benefit him, and he's probably thinking of a new way to torment her.
He must have had enough of his own sharp words over the past few days, so he decided to find a different way to make himself submit.
"Once this winter is over, I'll let you go." Shen Yun didn't miss the rapidly changing expression in Lin Shutang's eyes, and the bitterness in her chest churned like lava.
He lowered his eyes, the shadows cast by his long eyelashes obscuring the reddened corners of his eyes, and said in a very soft voice, "Could you... see him?"
He didn't make any demands on Lin Shutang; he only hoped that she could treat Shen Yan a little better before she left.
It was probably because she knew that he had already asked too much of her in the past.
If one still demands payment at the end, then all the years of friendship will seem like a disservice, which would be utterly despicable.
He didn't want his appearance in Lin Shutang's future memories to always be accompanied by a coercive aspect.
"...You really will let me go?"
Lin Shutang was still in a daze. Her body felt light and airy. She felt a burning sensation in her eyes, and something that had been pressing on her chest suddenly vanished.
"I'll let you go." He looked at her, mercifully willing to utter such heart-wrenching words again.
It was not a test, nor was it a stopgap measure to lure her into backing down.
He saw that her eyes, which were brimming with tears, glistened with the confirmation of her unspoken expectation in response to such a definite answer.
When those eyes looked at him, all the fear, disgust, and hatred vanished, as if washed clean, and tears welled up in them, a testament to the joy of surviving a calamity.
He felt a sharp pain in his chest, and in a daze, he recalled that many years ago in Yizhou, on that night, she had clearly looked at him with eyes like stars.
At that time, however, she hoped to stay.
But now, they are going to great lengths to leave.
Shen Yun always said that she didn't care anymore, as long as Lin Shutang stayed by her side.
However, he stayed up for several days without sleep while she had a fever, and rushed back from Xuzhou overnight because of her words. He was willing to give up the truth that was right in front of him and within his grasp in order to safely take her away from the Lu family.
He understood her thoughts and schemes, knew everything she did behind the scenes, and was willing to play along. He indulged her in her attempts to please him and show weakness, and he chose to forgive her deceptions and betrayals time and time again because of her tears.
Knowing she wasn't a picky eater but loved the crab roe pastries from the south of the city, he was willing to travel an hour to buy them. He brought her rare and unusual trinkets every day, collected all sorts of oddly shaped stones for her decorations, carefully replaced her sick goldfish, bought every single magazine published by the woodworking shop, and personally planted an entire courtyard full of crabapple trees that could bloom throughout spring and summer. He constantly monitored her health, took her to Jiuli Mountain to relax, replicated the courtyard in Xi County, and decorated her bedroom in pink—a color incongruous with Chen Yun's status—according to her preferences…
When Shen Yun did all this, did he really not hope to go back to the way things were before?
When Lin Shutang ran away time and time again, did he really not hope for even the slightest hesitation from her?
Shen Yun was unwilling to say "I love you" because the person who says it first always loses the initiative.
He had no chance of winning against Lin Shutang, and if he were to hand himself over, he would be utterly defeated.
However, when he instinctively rushed into the fire and used his hands to shield Lin Shutang from the burning beams, when he risked exposing his own whereabouts to stir up trouble and pave the way for Jingmutang, when he disregarded all consequences to go to Xi County, when he was determined to take Lin Shutang back to Yujing, when he was willing to give everything for Lin Shutang's life... Shen Yun had already lost completely.
Shen Yun's pursuit of Lin Shutang did come at a price. He paid a heavy price for it.
Shen Yun seemed to have a lot—future prospects, relatives and friends—but he lost far more than he gained.
Lin Shutang's words have ultimately come true. Now, the Lin Shutang he painstakingly acquired will ultimately be like a bubble in his palm—disintegrating at the slightest touch...
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Lin Shutang didn't know what she was feeling. After receiving Shen Yun's assurance, she should have been happy; otherwise, why would she be crying so freely?
She raised her hand to touch her cheek, tears streaming down her face and soaking her collar.
As Shen Yun's departing figure gradually blurred in her sight, Lin Shutang felt the breath she had finally exhaled, after a moment of blissful ease, fall heavily back into her chest.
Her tears had never flowed so freely and joyfully as they had at this moment.
It turns out that leaving Shen Yun is this simple.
It was so simple that she could easily make him back down just by not speaking, not taking her medicine, and not eating.
All she had to do was feign heartbreak, and the freedom she craved would be within her grasp.
At this point, Lin Shutang had to admit that she had been trying so hard to avoid the issue of Shen Yun's good qualities...
Lin Shutang was unwilling to accept Shen Yun because it was all too easy for Shen Yun to do. He could casually say something and have anything he wanted personally delivered to him. Perhaps the kindness shown to Lin Shutang was no different from a reward.
As a result, Lin Shutang naturally overlooked, or perhaps was unwilling to accept, the possibility that Shen Yun might truly love her.
Only in this way can one maintain their last bit of resolve and remain invincible.
But it was precisely those things that Lin Shutang deliberately ignored that became her leverage to break through the impasse today.
She only needed to use this feeling that she had never dared to explore to obtain the freedom she had been striving for.
Leaving, it turns out, wasn't Shen Yun's bottom line after all...
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