Chapter 49
Lu Baiyan's words, "I'll be waiting for you at university," were like a seed thrown into a deep pool, quietly taking root in the depths of Xu Nianlei's heart and blossoming with astonishing vitality. It was no longer an unattainable encouragement, but a concrete goal, a promise she had to keep. This gave her final sprint a completely different meaning and power.
She still felt anxious, and her mind would waver due to the ups and downs of mock exams, but the overwhelming sense of despair had disappeared. Whenever the pressure became unbearable, she would touch the pebble that was no longer in her pocket (she had carefully kept it in her notebook), recalling that quiet afternoon by the lake, his calm gaze, and his resounding promise. Then, she could lower her head again, suppress her surging emotions, and continue to fight those difficult questions.
New entries began to appear in her blue notebook:
"Analytical geometry has broken through the bottleneck; the methods he described are indeed useful."
"You've improved your time management for the combined science exam; try to be faster next time."
"The sun is shining brightly today, just like that day by the lake."
"Target: University A. Chemistry."
University A was Lu Baiyan's dream school, and the place he would most likely attend. Chemistry was a subject she was relatively interested in and had a certain advantage in. This goal was so distant it was almost a luxury, but with that promise as her guiding light, she was willing to travel any distance.
Wang Xiuqin seemed to have noticed a subtle change in her daughter. It was no longer the repressed, desperate drive of before, but a more restrained, resolute focus. She still nagged and cared about her daughter's grades, but her words no longer seemed to pierce Xu Nianlei's heart as easily as before. Xu Nianlei had learned to respond with a calm, even slightly detached, attitude, clearly separating her mother's anxiety from her own goals.
This change left Wang Xiuqin feeling confused, yet also vaguely comforted...? Occasionally, she would stare blankly at her daughter's back as she studied, recalling the anonymously sent book about "letting go of obsessions," and the factory leader's hint that "the child is under a lot of pressure, so we should be more understanding." She began to try different things. When delivering late-night snacks, she would no longer ask about her daughter's grades, but simply put down the bowl gently and say, "Eat it while it's hot."
A fragile, distance-based calm emerged in the relationship between mother and daughter.
However, in the last month before the college entrance examination, a person who had been almost forgotten reappeared.
That day after school, Xu Nianlei, as usual, walked out of the school gate with two girls from her peer tutoring group, discussing the English test papers that had just been handed out. At the school gate, she saw a somewhat familiar middle-aged man standing there, seemingly waiting for someone. When he saw Xu Nianlei, his eyes lit up, and he quickly walked over.
It was Zhang Dashan! The old coworker of her father who had once brought her old books and money.
Xu Nianlei stopped in her tracks, and the girls in the mutual aid group also looked at the strange man with curiosity.
"Nianlei!" Zhang Dashan said with a simple and awkward smile, still carrying a heavy-looking package wrapped in old cloth. "I...I'm here again."
Xu Nianlei's heart tightened slightly, and she looked at him warily. His appearance last time had brought unexpected trouble, and this time…
Zhang Dashan seemed to sense her wariness and quickly explained, "Don't be afraid, I didn't mean anything by it! I... I've come to say goodbye and leave this place to work in another city."
He paused, a complex emotion in his eyes, and looked at Xu Nianlei: "Before I leave, I just wanted to see you one last time and give you this...
He handed her the old cloth bundle. Xu Nianlei hesitated for a moment, then didn't take it.
Zhang Dashan sighed, his voice lowering slightly: "Inside here... are some things from your father... Xu Jianguo's past, and... a diary he wrote when he was young, which he abandoned after only a few days. I was thinking, perhaps... you should take a look."
A diary? Xu Jianguo keeps a diary? Xu Nianlei found it hard to believe.
“I know he’s a scoundrel, and he’s sorry to you and your daughter.” Zhang Dashan’s tone was filled with sincere regret. “But everyone… has moments of folly. This diary might contain a glimpse of him before he completely turned into a bastard. Whether you read it or not is up to you. Just consider it… a memory, or perhaps, a warning.”
He gently placed the package at Xu Nianlei's feet, as if afraid of disturbing her.
“I’m leaving. You… study hard for university, you must make something of yourself, don’t… don’t follow in his footsteps.” Zhang Dashan gave her a deep look, his eyes filled with pity, concern, and a kind of emotion she couldn’t understand, something akin to… guilt? Then, he turned and walked away quickly, his figure disappearing into the crowd.
Xu Nianlei stared at the old cloth bundle at her feet, as if it were a Pandora's box. Her father's diary? The man she remembered only as violent, alcoholic, and demanding—he actually left behind writings?
The girls in the mutual aid group asked curiously, "Nianlei, who is that?"
Xu Nianlei shook her head without answering. She bent down, picked up the package, and felt that it was very heavy.
Back home, she locked herself in her room and stared at the package for a long time. Ultimately, curiosity and a desire to explore the unknown side of her father overcame her resistance. She carefully opened the package.
Inside were still several old, tattered books about mechanics and electrical engineering, even more worn than before. Beneath the books was a palm-sized hardcover notebook, carefully wrapped in oilcloth, its cover already worn.
She took a deep breath and opened the diary.
The paper was yellowed, the handwriting crooked and messy, filled with the man's impatience. The record was fragmented, only a few pages long.
"March 5th, sunny. Went to the new construction site with Zhang Dashan, exhausted like a dog, but the pay was alright. Thinking of saving up to buy a used motorcycle..."
"April 23rd, cloudy. Xiuqin is nagging again, so annoying. Wait until I have money..."
"May 20th, rain. I drank, and I have a headache. I think... I hit Xiuqin? I can't remember. She cried. Annoying."
"May 29th. Meaningless. Nothing means anything."
The diary ends abruptly here.
Xu Nianlei looked at these fragmented words, filled with negative emotions yet vaguely revealing the desires and struggles of ordinary people, and her feelings were extremely complicated. It was indeed her father's handwriting, clumsy and rough. These words outlined a vague silhouette of someone gradually losing control and sinking into depravity under the heavy pressure of life, which was slightly different from the pure demonic image in her memory.
Perhaps, for a very brief moment, he did think about living a good life? But that thought was too faint and was quickly swallowed up by laziness, alcohol, and violence.
This did not evoke any sympathy or forgiveness in her towards her father. The hurt was real and indelible. But for some reason, as she looked at this diary, the hatred she felt for her father seemed to have softened, no longer as sharp and suffocating as before, instead settling into a colder, sorrowful indifference.
She closed her diary, rewrapped it along with the old books, and tucked it into the deepest corner under her bed. She didn't need these as "memories," but perhaps they could serve as a "wake-up call"—a reminder to never give up on herself and never let any predicament drag her into such an abyss.
At the same time, Zhang Dashan's appearance and departure this time also made her feel something was off. His words, "You must be successful," were exactly the same as the "Don't be like your dad" on the note last time. The way he looked at her always carried a concern that went beyond that of an ordinary coworker, even... guilt?
A vague, absurd thought flashed through her mind, but she immediately shook her head, dismissing it. Impossible.
She drew her attention back to the exam paper in front of her. Only thirty days remained until the college entrance exam. No matter how bleak the past, no matter how uncertain the future, at this moment, she had only one goal—University A, Chemistry, and the promise that awaited her at the finish line.
She picked up her pen, opened the science exam paper, and her eyes regained their focus and determination.
The ghosts of the past cannot stop the march of the future. She will devote all her energy to this final, fateful sprint.
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