Chapter 65 The will to live is an instinct
Night deepened
The patrolling guards, dressed in dark blue night patrol uniforms and carrying long swords at their waists, marched in perfect unison along the road.
When the Dayan Dynasty was established, it was plagued by internal and external troubles and a shortage of manpower, leading to instability throughout the country. Even in the capital city of Yong'an, thefts occurred frequently, and kidnappings and murders happened every now and then. The city's inhabitants kept their doors tightly locked day and night, taking great care of their safety.
After the chaos of the preceding years, the imperial court specifically assigned personnel to patrol day and night and intensified the punishment of criminals. Year after year, while crime hasn't been completely eradicated, Yong'an City has indeed become peaceful, and few dare to cause trouble.
Therefore, night patrols are actually a tiring and boring task.
While keeping an eye on the surroundings, the patrolling soldiers couldn't help but chat amongst themselves.
"Hey, have you heard? Just last night, a street in the West District was inexplicably attacked. The whole street was teeming with birds, beasts, insects, and snakes. You can't even describe the scene."
"How come I haven't heard about this? Your news is so outdated. They said that last night a group of people went to the Wong Tai Sin temple to ask for blessings, but they were locked out. That's why they're putting up pictures of Wong Tai Sin all day today."
"That's really rare. Shouldn't this kind of thing happen here?"
"Go away, don't talk nonsense. If something really happens on a dark and windy night, you'll lose your head."
"May Wong Tai Sin protect us, may Wong Tai Sin protect us so that tonight may be peaceful and quiet."
...
A group of people patrolled while chatting about the recent excitement in Yong'an City.
They were all low-level officials; to say they knew any secrets would mostly be boasting, but no one knew more about the trivial matters of the streets and alleys, or the everyday affairs of families, than they did.
Song Jin stood behind the wall, listening as they talked, and the conversation drifted back to the matter of the princess bestowed upon her the previous night.
"It is said that Princess Mingguang was six feet tall, broad-shouldered and burly, with eyes like red lanterns. She could hang a Taoist portrait on the Duke of Ying's son with one hand, and even pried off the hand of the Three Pure Ones Taoist and gnawed on it raw!!"
"If it were anyone else, I would definitely say the storyteller was bragging, but this one, she's that person's own daughter, it sounds quite reasonable."
"I wonder how Chief Minister Song is doing now. If it weren't for him, we wouldn't even have our monthly night patrol allowance."
...
Rumors, all rumors.
Song Jin rolled her eyes. Once the sounds had completely disappeared, she leaped up again, scaled the wall, and quickly headed in the direction she remembered, practically bounding and bounding all the way to Wuma Street.
She remembered that person was from this area.
They were the ones who chose the house together. They picked one with a small courtyard, and the rent was three taels a month. When they were choosing it, Song Jin thought to herself that these rich kids didn't know how to manage money; they insisted on paying even when they didn't have any.
Unexpectedly, he later started a primary school and other miscellaneous businesses, and he actually managed to make them quite successful, as if it had been planned in advance.
But no matter how well-thought-out his plans or how clever he was, he couldn't simply let this matter slide.
A fierce glint flashed in Song Jin's eyes as she quickly locked onto her target and jumped into the courtyard.
It was midnight, the deepest part of the night, and everyone was already asleep. She looked around the room, which was completely dark, because the person wasn't snoring. She circled the room for a while before finally pinpointing their location by their soft breathing.
Song Jin pursed his lips, trying to find some comfort for his mother.
At least he's not a rough, snoring man who picks his toes.
Unlike the guarded royal palace, the doors and windows of the houses here were tightly shut at night. Although she could easily break in, she hesitated, recalling the man's silent victory during the day.
Song Jin acted cautiously; she took out incense and candles from her pocket, lit them, and began to smoke them inside.
After finishing, she turned and walked towards the yard, stood under the eaves with her arms crossed, gently shaking her leg. Looking at the full moon in the sky, thinking about what she had to do next, she couldn't help but happily shake her leg, silently humming a little tune.
After nearly fifteen minutes, she turned around with a smirk, opened the door with a click, and tiptoed inside.
Close the door again, turn around
The smile vanished from Song Jin's face, and she looked expressionlessly at the person sitting upright on the bed: "Why are you still awake?"
What on earth is this person? She used three times the normal amount!
She hadn't even considered making the man unconscious; she just wanted him to remain asleep and undisturbed by her movements. But she hadn't even achieved that.
Danger
Song Jin's vengeful thoughts faded, and she prepared to flee, not forgetting to threaten, "I'm a princess now. If anything happens to me, you're finished too. I told them that before I came."
Qu Maoze sat cross-legged on the bed, wearing a white undershirt, one hand supporting his chin. He looked at Song Jin's wary yet threatening expression, feeling both helpless and amused.
He chuckled softly, "Jinjin, coming over so late at night, do you miss your dad?"
Song Jin's face darkened: "I want you dead, you bastard! You still haven't answered me. How come you're perfectly fine?"
Qu Maoze sighed softly, "She's really not cute at all."
Song Jin chuckled coldly, the short needle already poised at her fingertips.
Never mind, let's kill this bastard first.
Qu Maoze interrupted her in time, chuckling, "Didn't your mother tell you? This is the incense I taught her to make."
Song Jin withdrew her short needlework, her lips slightly puffed out, annoyed by her unsuccessful start to the day.
She had indeed been in a comfortable environment for too long, forgetting that there are always people more capable than herself, and that there's always something beyond her reach.
But she was right; the person in front of her was definitely problematic.
She asked warily, "What exactly are you pretending to have amnesia for?"
Qu Maoze chuckled as he got out of bed. He advanced step by step, while Song Jin retreated step by step, her entire body tense. A short knife was hidden in her sleeve, ready to retreat or counterattack at any moment.
Just as she retreated to the doorway, Qu Maoze stopped. He chuckled softly, sat leisurely at the table, picked up a simple ceramic teapot, and poured himself a glass of water.
"I thought you would ask me why I haven't spent time with you and your daughter all these years."
Song Jin scoffed: "Who cares about that?"
That's certainly somewhat unusual. This bastard has made her mother suffer so much all these years; it's utterly hateful and deserves a brutal beating and broken legs and arms. But that's not so important. The crucial thing now is that this person's identity is a mystery, and his intentions are unclear. What if he does something heinous and implicates them, mother and daughter?
It would be better to die sooner.
She could die now, but her mother had already seen the person, and that old-fashioned Prince Qi Zheng knew the inside story. If anything happened, she wouldn't be able to escape unscathed, so she had to suppress the thought.
Seeing her complete indifference towards him, Qu Maoze sighed, "Just as heartless as your mother. It seems your mother hasn't said anything good about me all these years."
"What are you talking about? Are you that important? Why should I talk to you? My mother has always been a widow. Do you know what a widow is? It means her husband has died." Song Jin curled her lip in disdain, then rolled her eyes and raised her voice.
"Did you hear that? Her husband died, she's dead. A proper dead person should die peacefully in the ground. To hop around like a grasshopper in autumn is called 'coming back to life' or 'haunting,' and that gets you burned on a rack."
It's clear that she's very averse to the fact that she has an extra father.
But she's really adorable! Her phoenix eyes are bright and lively, both clever and mischievous; her eyebrows are bold and unrestrained; she exudes carefree joy.
No wonder that person insisted on doing this.
Qu Maoze's eyes were soft and gentle, but his expression remained unchanged, still showing a leisurely and indifferent demeanor. He picked up his teacup and poured himself another cup of water. Even the simple teapot and teacup looked like a fine purple clay teapot in his hands.
He laughed, "After all this talk, aren't you thirsty? Come sit down and have a cup of tea."
Song Jin has a sense of powerlessness, like hitting cotton with a stick.
If this guy were arrogant enough to use his father's name, Song Jin could slap him across the face. Even if he immediately admitted defeat and tried to please her, Song Jin could still spit on him a couple of times and then walk away nonchalantly. But he was deliberately slow and unhurried, as if he didn't care at all.
If she were to actually do something, it would seem like she cares even more.
Song Jin suppressed her anger, forcing a smile: "I'm afraid you'll poison me."
Qu Maoze raised an eyebrow, his voice leisurely and meaningful: "How could that be? You are my only daughter."
Upon hearing those two words, Song Jin stepped forward, slammed her hand on the table, and, with a blank expression, propped herself up on her hands: "Do you want to die?"
"How could that be? I have no special skills, except for being lucky and wanting to live more than anyone else. Back then, your mother made me live like a living dead for two months, every day was worse than death."
Under Song Jin's suddenly increased gaze, Qu Maoze remained unhurried, a slight smile playing on his lips, and in his usual tone, gently added...
I still want to live.
...
As dawn breaks, a new day begins in Yong'an City.
Amidst the sounds of carriages and people outside, the maids and servants of the Song household began their daily routine.
Serving the masters was a minor matter. There were only a few masters in the entire Song family. Apart from the personal head maid and servants, the other maids had to start their day's work from the moment they got up, cleaning the rooms, tidying the courtyard, and pruning the flowers and plants...
Xiao Mei and Xiao Er were in charge of these things when they were in Linxi Town. Back then, Song Jin and her daughter Niu Tielan didn't need much care from them; they were just responsible for the chores in the family's courtyard.
With the capital city imposing more rules and regulations, they were specifically tasked with serving Niu Tielan and Song Jin personally, and even that was keeping them quite busy. Fortunately, the six female officials were still there, and under their tutelage, Xiao Mei and Xiao Er had become increasingly adept at their duties.
Now they are not only responsible for the mother and daughter's personal needs, but also for leading the other young maids behind them.
Those were young maids chosen from among the servants of the Song family; they were all twelve, thirteen, or fourteen years old, clever and well-behaved children.
Before the mother and daughter came, they were ordinary maids, responsible for the household chores from morning till night, and their monthly wages were meager. Now that they had been selected as second-class maids, their daily workload had decreased, and their monthly wages had increased. They were all very happy to learn and worked with great enthusiasm.
Before Song Jin even got up, a group of maids were already waiting at the door. When she opened the door...
Combing hair and dressing up, fetching water to wash up, tidying up the bed...
Each maid had her own specific duties, and even the courtyard was cleaned by a separate person.
Song Jin not only had someone to make the bed and sweep the room, but even her meals were served to her; she only needed to ask for food.
She sat in front of the bronze mirror, yawning as Xiao Mei combed her hair.
Normally, the mother and daughter would each have four head maids, but there weren't many maids in the mansion, so they had to take their time. Also, the mother and daughter didn't like to bring anyone with them when they went out, so for now they only had Xiaomei and Xiaoer.
Xiao Mei, being more composed, followed Song Jin and was able to keep an eye on some people.
She looked at Song Jin, who was yawning repeatedly, and smiled, "Didn't you sleep well last night, Miss?"
Song Jin chuckled and said, "I was thinking about things, so I didn't sleep well."
Xiao Mei suppressed a laugh: "Really? Then why didn't you respond when Madam woke up in the middle of the night and came looking for you?"
Song Jin scratched her head, hiding her guilty conscience: "Haha, maybe she just happened to be fast asleep."
Her mother was a real expert at catching people red-handed. She was usually gentle and weak, and spent most of her time sleeping, but whenever her daughter tried to do something, her mother could always catch her in the act.
What a mother's intuition!
Song Jin yawned again, thinking about it. She had only slept for the first half of the night, and the running around in the second half had already exhausted her. Then, after a half-day of relieving herself of her worries, she hadn't slept a wink all night, only managing to close her eyes barely as dawn broke.
I'm so sleepy
Seeing that she was yawning and couldn't keep her eyes open, Xiao Mei sighed and suggested, "Since there's nothing to do today, if you didn't sleep well, why don't you sleep a little longer?"
Song Jin: "I think you make a good point. You guys go out first, I'll sleep a little longer."
Xiaomei responded twice, then removed Song Jin's hairpins and other items, had the maid who was carrying the clothes put them back, and then led the others out.
The door closed again
Song Jin yawned as she got up, slipped on her shoes, and plopped back onto the bed, burrowing under the covers like a silkworm, arching her body up.
A moment later, the door opened gently, and someone slowly walked in, lying down on the other side through the blanket, and gently patted her back.
Song Jin's eyelids twitched, and she muttered softly, "I'm not a child anymore."
Niu Tielan sighed, "Even children are more obedient than you."
Song Jin pouted: "No way, I didn't do anything."
Niu Tielan paused, patting her hand, a complex emotion flashing in his eyes, and sighed knowingly, "You know, huh?"
"Know what? I know nothing."
Song Jin rolled over, burying herself back under the covers, and spoke with a hint of whining. One hand emerged from under the covers and tightly clasped Niu Tielan's hand in hers.
The worry that had clouded Niu Tielan's complex emotions dissipated. She closed her hands, sighed softly, and began to recount events from over a decade ago.
"After your grandfather was beaten to death, I was taken away to a girls' garden. Every girl, from fifteen or sixteen to four or five, was a carefully selected beauty, each with her own unique charm. The previous emperor was licentious, and this was true from top to bottom. The headmistress reprimanded us. I was originally intended to be sent to the palace as a 'supporting agent'."
"But things didn't go as planned. During those two years, uprisings broke out in various places. With the country at war, the emperor lost interest in holding a talent show. Later, he was beheaded, and the court carried out a massive purge from top to bottom. As a result, we individuals were rendered useless."
Song Jin suddenly poked her head out, a murderous glint flashing in her phoenix eyes: "Who's behind me?"
Niu Tielan reached out and gently stroked her head, whispering, "To me, he is the murderer who has imprisoned me for over 10 years; to the former emperor, he is a traitor with rebellious intentions; but to the common people, he is a hero who wants to end the decadent previous dynasty. Who knows who he really is?"
Song Jin remained cold: "I don't care who he is. A life for a life, a debt for a debt. He has the guts to harm so many people, but not the guts to admit it?"
Niu Tielan shook her head and continued, "After the new dynasty was established, the emperor was not interested in women and never held a selection of concubines. The feudal lords also dared not make a fuss about it, so I had no way to send anyone. But they wouldn't support people for nothing. I taught people embroidery and incense making in the women's garden. There were a few like me, but most of them were taken away at the age of fourteen or fifteen and disappeared without a trace."
She had originally intended to present it to the Emperor, and having already spent a great deal of money, she couldn't just give it away and waste it. Furthermore, she possessed exceptional incense-making skills and the ability to manage people, so she kept putting it off until the day she overheard someone else being sent away as well.
She began gathering her belongings, making thorough preparations, and then escaped midway. For half a month, she herself didn't know which roads she had taken, nor could she find her way back to the girls' garden.
But she didn't care.
Although the women in the garden were all unfortunate, where there are people, there is conflict. She firmly occupied the top position, and frankly, her relationship with most people wasn't very good.
Niu Tielan could actually understand what the others were thinking. After all, what the girls were fighting for wasn't just about food and drink, but about the place they would be sent out to, the people they would be sent out to, and their entire lives there, plus the deliberate instigation from above...
She is ultimately a selfish person.
Even after she met Qu Mao and fell in love with him, she never revealed a word about her background.
She said she was abducted, and then hit her head during the escape and lost her memory.
Song Jin listened thoughtfully, then complained, "Mother, you said he was upright and loyal, but now how does he seem like that? He's far too vengeful!"
Her mother used to say she had amnesia, and now he's saying he has amnesia too. He's really lost his mother's memory!
Her mother's judgment isn't very good either.
Niu Tielan was unable to refute this.
Looking back now, she wasn't sure if the upright and cautious image she remembered of Qu Maoze was an act, or simply a romanticized version of his character because of her near-death experience. But since they'd already fallen for each other and had a child together, there was no point in discussing their taste anymore.
Niu Tielan suppressed the embarrassment and awkwardness of having his past exposed by his daughter. After thinking for a while, he quietly began to recount the great fire that had broken out.
"He was sick during that time, and I don't know why. He brought back a lot of incense tubes from outside and put them in the room. Now that I think about it, it must have been the effect of the red thread poison."
The red thread curse on her body was probably planted the day she left the woman's quarters; among the group that came to pick her up at the women's garden that day was a man dressed in Lingnan attire.
I even fell in love with that person back then.
No, she can still distinguish her own feelings.
Niu Tielan gently pressed her heart, the memory of that fire from years ago still causing a churning pain within. She forced a smile, her face contorted with deep self-reproach and guilt.
"The incense burner contained gunpowder. When it blew up the house, it immediately burst into flames, engulfing the entire courtyard. If I had been there at the time, things would have been alright, but unfortunately, I was out buying something."
Niu Tielan carefully recalled the situation at that time. So many years had passed, and she couldn't remember many details. Her memory seemed fragmented and incomplete, like a dream. The more she thought about it, the more something seemed off.
She frowned, unsure, and said, "I think I was buying something? I think I was holding a book when I saw the fire start. When I ran back, everyone said he was dead, and those people wanted to arrest me, so I ran away."
Song Jin sat up: "Then what about that book?"
Niu Tielan's tightly furrowed brows relaxed as she glared at Song Jin and said, "Have you forgotten? You got beaten up that year for drawing little turtles on it."
Song Jin: ...
Okay, she remembered.
She'd been pretending to hit people all her life since she was little, but she'd only ever been seriously beaten once, and her mother was truly ruthless; her hand was swollen from the beating.
Thinking about all this, Song Jin pursed her lips. Connecting it with what Qu Maoze had said last night, she figured out the whole story.
In response, she gave Niu Tielan a thumbs up: "Mom, you're something else! You run really fast!"
Niu Tielan was somewhat embarrassed and annoyed: "Although it wasn't my intention, this whole thing started because of me. I'm the one who killed him. If I had been caught then, I wouldn't have been able to escape, no matter the reason. It's not that I'm afraid of death, but I had just been released, and I wanted to go out and see the world, and I also wanted to go back and see your grandparents, and then I found you."
She was even more determined to run, to run far away, so far that no one could recognize her.
Linxi Town, a small place, is perfect for this.
She is indeed a selfish and heartless person; that person was absolutely right.
Even after all these years, she has come to realize that she was the one who killed the person, yet she still manages to act as if nothing happened, never mentioning the person year after year.
Niu Tielan's smile was tinged with bitterness and fear; she didn't dare to look up and meet Song Jin's gaze.
She was afraid of seeing disdain in her eyes.
That's impossible. Song Jin leaned over and hugged Niu Tielan tightly, praising her sincerely, "Mother, you're amazing, really!"
Her mother escaped from the girls' kindergarten where she had been imprisoned for many years, narrowly escaping death time and time again, and single-handedly planned for her future livelihood.
If even the slightest mistake were made, her best outcome would be a swift and painless death, while the worst outcome was anyone's guess.
When Qu Maoze got into trouble, if she really didn't run away, then she would be innocent and being controlled. Would those people believe that? Even if they did believe that, things had already come to this point, Qu Maoze's life or death was unknown, and what good would she do?
Song Jin hugged the person tightly, feeling the dampness on her neck. She nuzzled against the person and whispered comfortingly, "Mother, nothing is more important than living. Wanting to live is instinct; committing suicide for love is foolish. The most foolish thing in the world is to commit suicide for love..."
When a person dies, they vanish like smoke. Once you're dead, what else can you feel?
Only by living can one continue to love others; by living, one also lives for the other.
Under her gentle and comforting words, Niu Tielan finally couldn't hold back and leaned against her, bursting into tears.
Crying out the guilt and self-blame of all these years
And grievances
She was only seventeen years old at the time, spending most of her time in the girls' kindergarten, year after year in that small space, year after year being brainwashed.
She just wanted to see the outside world; she just wanted to live.
Later, even wanting to live was wrong.
How could she not feel wronged?
...
Inside, the mother and daughter whispered words of comfort. Outside, Xiao Mei stood at the doorway, her brows furrowing slightly as she listened to the commotion. She quietly told the maids in the courtyard to stop their work elsewhere, and then she too went to the courtyard gate.
Xiao Er stood to the side, tiptoeing to look back, clearly still uneasy.
She had a rather large gap in her left ear, which was usually quite noticeable. However, now, a jade and gold pendant covered the gap, concealing the imperfection and actually making her round face look even more charming and precious.
She's no longer the plain-looking little maid she was when she first arrived.
Xiao Mei was dressed in a deep purple dress, with a gold and jade hairpin in her hair, looking as dignified and composed as a young lady from a wealthy family. She pulled at Xiao Er, who was constantly jumping around.
"Alright, stand still, or you'll be punished by Lady Zheng again later."
The title of Lady Zheng was quite useful; Xiao Er immediately stood up straight.
Although their walking posture was initially rated as passing, standing and walking postures are arguably the most basic aspects of etiquette, and they still have a lot to learn.
Xiao Mei is alright; she learns quickly, has good posture, and is dignified and composed, so she is rarely punished.
Little Ear laughed, always jumping and skipping around, and got punished quite a bit. She rubbed her hands together and complained, "Little Mei, you scared me! My hands still hurt!"
Xiao Mei chuckled: "Serves you right, you're so naive, always making the same mistake."
Little Ear wrinkled her nose: "I know, I know, I'm tired of hearing it."
The two of them stood guard outside, preventing outsiders from getting close.
After waiting for an hour, there was still no movement from inside. They guessed that the mother and daughter must have spoken and then gone back to sleep, since neither of them had slept well the night before.
As they stood guard, someone approached from the front.
The two bowed: "Fifth Young Master"
Song Qingzhi waved his hand. He was usually approachable and liked to joke, but now he became serious and said directly, "Go and wake up the young lady and madam. Dress them properly and go to the east gate. The eldest and third brothers are back."
Xiao Mei and Xiao Er were stunned for a moment, but quickly realized who the eldest and third brothers were.
One of them was Song Xingzhi, the Vice Minister of Revenue who was in charge of the Liang family affairs in Qingjun Prefecture.
One was Song Shenzhi, a great general who fought on the frontier.
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