Chapter 22 Now look at me...
But Xia Zhiyao's heart tightened in that instant. In her mind, Zhou's mother's WeChat message with a smiling emoji suddenly appeared. That seemingly gentle politeness turned into an invisible rope, silently choking her breath.
"Does your mother...do she know?" Her voice lowered unconsciously, hesitant, as if testing something.
Zhou Yue paused for a moment, then quickly nodded: "I know, she keeps telling me to stay for two more years, just so I can take care of my brother. I'm all grown up, do I have to listen to her in everything? She also said she respects my decision."
His tone was relaxed and natural, as if he were stating something perfectly logical. But he didn't know that the so-called "respect" had already taken on a different meaning in the message Xia Zhiyao received.
Xia Zhiyao stared at Zhou Yue, a dark cloud slowly rising in her eyes, but she didn't expose him. What she hesitated about was never him, but the hidden price behind this relationship.
Zhou Yue was willing to make concessions for her, but he shouldn't have to bear the expectations of his family and give up his original future. She couldn't just watch him rush headlong into it without any reservations, leaving him no way out.
Xia Zhiyao had rehearsed countless times in her mind how to start the conversation, whether to gently persuade her to give up or to analyze the situation rationally, and she had even thought about the scenario of silently turning away.
But the moment she actually opened her mouth, her usually high-speed brain seemed to short-circuit, forcing her to cut it off in the sharpest way possible.
"Zhou Yue." She called his name, but it was like a chilling wind that pierced straight to the bone. The next second, the cruelest and most hurtful words came out: "Between us, we've only slept together a few times."
Xia Zhiyao looked at him with no warmth in her eyes, and even a hint of impatient coldness.
She leaned back slowly, as if deliberately creating distance: "You can treat me as a sex partner, I don't mind at all. We can each get what we need, there's no need to overthink it."
Her smile was as thin as a knife, almost devoid of warmth: "What you can get from me, you can get from other women too, even more, and with less hassle."
She paused, a slight smirk playing on her lips, as if delivering the final blow, "Don't tell me you still have some kind of chick complex, that you have to recognize whoever you see after hatching as your mother."
Zhou Yue paused for half a second, as if he didn't understand what she was saying, but the next moment, the light in his eyes suddenly dimmed, his entire face was shrouded in shadow, and his veins bulged inch by inch, as if he was trying his best to restrain something.
"Xia Zhiyao, say that again, you fucking idiot?" His voice was so low it sounded like it was being squeezed out of his throat, the last syllable trembling slightly, yet it carried a chilling undercurrent.
She didn't reply, but simply looked up at him, her expression indifferent to the point of being cold.
Zhou Yue suddenly laughed, a cold laugh tinged with disbelief: "In your eyes, I'm just someone you can easily replace with any bed? Are you serious?"
He slowly approached, his eyes fixed on her, as if trying to find a flaw in her face. His voice was low and deep: "It's only been a few years, Xia Zhiyao, have you changed like this? I didn't notice."
He paused for a moment, then shook his head with a sneer, as if rejecting the possibility. "Zhiyao, that sounds absurd. Do you really think I would believe that?"
Xia Zhiyao was forced into a corner and tried her best to build a last wall for herself. "Zhou Yue, you're overthinking it." Her voice was very soft, but every word seemed to be covered with ice shards. "You're not that special."
She raised her chin to meet his gaze, her indifference almost driving him mad: "I'm the same as everyone else."
As soon as those words fell, Zhou Yue felt as if he had been slapped in the face. His breath caught in his throat, and the heat in his chest almost overwhelmed his reason. He stared into her eyes, as if he would rush up, grab her, and shake her awake if it took even one more second.
But he didn't move immediately. "You're pushing me away," he said in a low voice. Then, he suddenly laughed, a laugh full of coldness and disdain: "You really think you can scare me away with just a few words?"
He took a step closer, forcing her to have nowhere to retreat, his eyes as dark as the deep sea at night: "You want to see who can talk tougher, huh? Fine, then tell me, when was it not you who took the initiative first?"
"You fled to New York, and the first thing you did after getting off the plane was to message me, right?"
Who was the person who hugged me and cried in the street that night?
“You came home with me by yourself, and you took off my clothes.”
“When you wake up and find I’m not there, you immediately call to ask where I am… I was in a meeting and didn’t check my phone, but you kept sending me messages. Do you think I don’t know about your separation anxiety?”
Zhou Yue stared at her, his eyes blazing with a light that seemed to ignite from a single point, and finally managed to squeeze out, "Are you like this with every man you've slept with...?"
Each sentence was like a heavy hammer blow, causing her heart to ache and even disrupting her breathing.
“If you want to say we have nothing to do with each other, fine.” His voice finally became hoarse and broken, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly, as if he was suppressing fire to say each word. “Then look at me now and say that you have never liked me at all, that you have never loved me at all.”
“Xia Zhiyao, if you really want to be so clean and decisive…” He took another step closer until his breath was almost touching her face, his tone suddenly lowered, like a slow, agonizing death, “Then look at me now, don’t blink, and say you don’t love me at all.”
Xia Zhiyao stubbornly turned her head away, refusing to look at him. Her lips were clenched but she couldn't make a sound. However, Zhou Yue grabbed her chin, forcing her to look directly into the desolate yet stubborn light in his eyes.
"Say it!" His voice was as low as the wind in the deep of night. "The way you usually scold me, say it!" His voice was broken, carrying an unspeakable determination and a final plea.
"If you say you don't love me, I'll leave right now." His fingers trembled slightly at her chin, but he stubbornly maintained his last shred of dignity. "From now on, you can do whatever you want, be with whomever you want... I don't care."
"Speak, Xia Zhiyao." His voice grew softer and softer, like an obsession peeling away inch by inch, or like a final glance back from the edge of a cliff.
Silence was like a knife, lying across her throat, cutting out pain in circles. Xia Zhiyao's eyes were already red, and tears welled up unconsciously.
She shoved him away abruptly, her voice sharp, carrying a hint of suppressed anger breaking down: "Why are you forcing me to admit it!?"
Zhou Yue was stunned.
Xia Zhiyao raised her head, suppressing the tears in her eyes with coldness: "Do you know that once we admit it, this relationship will no longer be just between the two of us? I will be dragged into your family's expectations, your career choices, your future plans... I can't bear that."
Her tone suddenly became calm and clear, as if she were discussing a deal: "I am four years older than you. I have a stable job, connections, and collaborative projects in China. These are not things I can just throw away. My friends, my circle, and my resources are all here. You want me to give all of these up to be with you? The price is too high for me."
She paused, these were undeniable facts: "I'm not a young woman in her early twenties who has just graduated and can move to another city and start over for love. You can bear the time cost of the loss, but I can't."
"Zhou Yue, this isn't a question of whether you're afraid or not, but a question of whether you can handle it."
As Zhou Yue listened, it felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured over his head, leaving him feeling a sharp pain all over his body.
He gave a slow laugh, but there was no joy in it: "So in your eyes, I'm just a project with a low return on investment, is that right?"
Xia Zhiyao remained silent, offering no denial.
His breathing suddenly became heavier, his fingertips tightened, and his voice was low and hoarse: "Before you got together with me, did you ever think that I wasn't just a line of data on your career list? I wasn't some option that could be replaced at any time?"
He took a step closer, his gaze seeming to pierce through her defenses: "You always say you can't take risks, but do you know that I'm willing to gamble my entire time and future? To you, I'm a risk, but to others, I'm an opportunity, right?"
“You can do the math like this,” he paused for a moment, his voice so low it was almost cracking, “then tell me, how many points is love worth in this deal?”
Xia Zhiyao's breathing became rapid, as if he was being forced into a corner inch by inch.
"Zhou Yue, don't use love as a bargaining chip!" Her voice suddenly rose, sharp and trembling. "Feelings aren't everything. They can't solve reality, nor can they make me give up everything for you! And they're not worth you giving up for me!"
Her fingers clenched until they turned white, and a flash of pain crossed her eyes, but she still held on tightly: "You're willing to gamble everything, that's your own choice. But I can't. I don't have that much time to start over again, and I don't want to lose everything one day and then blame you."
“So,” Zhou Yue’s voice was so low it sounded like shards of glass rolling down his throat, his fingers tightening so much they almost crushed her wrist into his bones.
"You'd rather push me away than try even once?"
Xia Zhiyao was forced to meet his gaze, her breathing became erratic, but she still stubbornly insisted, "Yes! You've asked me so many times, and it's always the same answer, yes!"
Zhou Yue seemed to be pierced by that single word, and he suddenly pulled her into his arms with such force that it felt like he wanted to meld her into his very bones. "You're really something, Xia Zhiyao." He gritted his teeth, his voice filled with suppressed pain and anger. "Are you only satisfied after pushing me to this point?"
She struggled to push him away, her fingertips clawing wildly at his chest: "Let me go..."
"I won't let go!" His voice was like a low growl as he pressed his forehead against hers, his breath hot and rapid. "If I let you go, you'll really be gone."
Her silence was like the last straw, completely breaking Zhou Yue's rationality.
The next second, he suddenly pushed her down onto the sofa, leaning over her and pressing down with a force that was urgent and brooked no refusal, as if he wanted to completely trap her.
"Zhou Yue! Don't go crazy!" Xia Zhiyao exclaimed, pressing her elbow firmly against his chest, but she couldn't budge him at all.
He had never been so rough before. His strength was so great that it felt like he was pressing her into the sofa. His breath was hot and rapid, giving her no way out. Her wrists were gripped so tightly that they ached.
“If you won’t tell me, I’ll find the answer myself.” His voice was low and hoarse, with an almost obsessive ruthlessness, and the emotions in his eyes surged as if they were about to devour everything.
"You can't solve everything with sex!" She struggled desperately, her knees hitting him, but he seemed completely unconcerned, only pressing her down even tighter. As his fingertips slid across the fabric, it was roughly torn, making a tearing sound. A chill instantly swept over her shoulders, making her breathing even more erratic.
"Only at this time do you obey! Only at this time are you mine!"
"Slap!" She raised her hand and slapped Zhou Yue hard across the face.
Zhou Yue stopped moving, half of his face turned to one side, and the air was so quiet that only the two of them could hear each other breathing, one rapid and frightened, the other heavy and hoarse, as if they were hanging on for a moment before an explosion.
"Okay." He said it very softly, but it sounded like he had used all his strength.
At that moment, his gaze slowly withdrew from her face, as if looking at her for even a second longer would cause him to completely lose control. Then, he abruptly turned around, strode to the door, and grabbed his coat.
The door was slammed shut, causing the door frame to tremble slightly.
That muffled thud was as if he had mercilessly thrown all his long-suppressed pain, anger, and resentment in front of her.
The door slammed shut behind him, and the cold wind in the hallway felt like a knife, blowing down on him and instantly suppressing Zhou Yue's surging anger.
He stood there frozen for a few seconds, his fingertips still tinged with the force of her grip, burning hot as if scorched. The rise and fall of his chest gradually subsided, and he cursed under his breath, hastily pulling on his coat, leaving the collar unbuttoned and letting the wind slip into his neck.
The streetlights downstairs cast a dim yellow light, casting his long, thin shadow, which swayed slightly in the wind. He walked to a quiet corner, lit a cigarette, and for the first time, inhaled it so deeply that the smoke made his throat bitter, but his brow remained furrowed.
One after another, the sparks flickered in the wind, the tips of his shoes extinguished and then reignited. The movement seemed to be the only thing that could distract him. The cold wind made his ear tips tingle, and his knuckles were still icy cold, but the pain in his heart did not subside at all.
Xia Zhiyao stood there, a buzzing sound in her ears, and a brief dizziness. She bit her lip, her fingertips still trembling, but she didn't chase after them or say a word.
She slowly sat down, her hair falling down and gently brushing against her cheeks, silently reminding her that she was still alive and still fighting back.
But she didn't know what to do next. Her chest felt tight, her breathing was trembling, and her heart was racing, as if something was pushing her to the edge from the inside.
She looked down at her hands, her fingertips trembling uncontrollably, her palms even slightly sweaty—a familiar reaction: anxiety, weakness, and panic, as if it were tearing her apart from the inside.
She tried hard to recall how she used to deal with these emotions—work, always using work to suppress them, filling her hands and mind with work, leaving no room for anything else.
She jumped up and frantically searched the room for something as if she had grasped at a lifeline—cabinets, bookshelves, drawers… Finally, she pulled out her laptop, which she hadn’t touched in a long time, from under a stack of books.
The moment she plugged in the power and the screen lit up, the familiar light pierced through the night and shone directly in front of her, making her face appear even paler.
She had originally intended to look at the company information that Zheng Xiaotian had mentioned in his WeChat message and sent to her email. As soon as her hand moved to the search bar in her inbox, an email notification popped up in the lower right corner. A dense array of unread emails were displayed, and the small red markers were as glaring as needles in the dim room.
Her fingers paused. The sender: Zhang Luyuan. The moment that name came into view, it was as if someone had unearthed a long-forgotten memory from broken glass.
She didn't open them immediately. Instead, she leaned back in her chair, stared at the name for a long time, and then lowered her head to open them one by one.
What do you mean by resigning? Why didn't I know?
Where are you? Where are you? Why aren't you answering your phone and why have you blocked me on WeChat?
[Zhiyao, are you in trouble? I'm so worried about you. What happened to us? You won't even give me an explanation?]
[I can only send this to your private email... Please reply when you see it. I'm begging you, Zhiyao, at least tell me if you're okay.]
Even if you don't want to see me, don't just stay silent. I don't even know if you're safe...
I'm so sorry, I just couldn't help sending you these messages. I'm going crazy, Zhiyao. Please reply, okay?
The first few letters were still restrained, but the further you read, the more they sounded like an emotional outburst, filled with anxiety, questioning, weakness, and pleading... A familiar, suffocating sense of tug-of-war slowly surfaced.
Each line is like a hand reaching out from the shadows of the past, wrapped in dampness and cold, peeking out from the screen and choking her inch by inch.
The room was quiet, with only the cold light from the screen reflecting on her face, making her paleness even more pronounced. Her eyes were vacant, as if she were trapped in a transparent but airtight cage.
She had clearly already left, escaped to the snowy night across the ocean, escaped to New York, a city where almost no one knew her, escaped to a place where even names could be changed.
But why do those old stories and those people still come chasing after me? There are always invisible voices echoing in my ears: you can't leave, you have to respond, you shouldn't leave.
The words on the screen, if they had appeared a few months ago, might have stirred up a storm in her heart, making her think repeatedly, weigh her options, and even waver and compromise at one point.
But now, she only felt tired, a kind of exhaustion that came from being repeatedly drained, leaving her with no desire to respond to anything anymore. She slowly exhaled, her fingers steadily falling, selecting all and deleting.
The words on the screen disappeared line by line, like doors she had closed herself. Then, she added the sender to her blacklist, her movements swift and calm, without the slightest hesitation.
After doing all this, she felt as if she had cut a thread that had been wrapped around her heart. The emotions in her eyes gradually subsided. She turned back to the page, opened the company information sent by Zheng Xiaotian, and the cursor flashed on the screen. The cold light reflected in her eyes, where there was no longer any ripple, only the work to be done.
The snow outside the window was still falling, fine and silent. The streetlights cast halos of light in the night, like an unreal dream or a bottomless abyss.
Xia Zhiyao didn't know when she fell asleep. Perhaps the argument last night had exhausted all her strength, or perhaps discussing the new company's plans with Zheng Xiaotian had completely drained her. Or perhaps the silent, snowy night was too quiet, so quiet that it could lull one to the edge of sleep inch by inch.
Even if it's just for one night, she wants to deceive herself just once, pretending that she doesn't need to respond, pretending that she can stop thinking about it, pretending that she has never loved in her life.
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