Chapter 94 I...really need...
Xia Zhiyao nestled in his arms, her shoulders still trembling slightly, the sound escaping her throat barely audible, as if afraid that any more would cause her to fall apart completely.
Zhou Yue felt her breath hitting the side of his neck, hot as fire. He gently stroked her back, the warmth of his palms even softer than his voice: "Zhiyao, look at me."
Xia Zhiyao struggled to lift her head, her eyes wet and her voice hoarse: "I can't say... what's wrong. I know it's my own problem, not yours."
"I shouldn't expect you to reply to my messages anytime, anywhere, but I just can't control myself." By the end, her voice was almost a whisper, and as she spoke, she lowered her head, her fingertips gripping the sheets tightly until her knuckles turned white.
Zhou Yue looked at her, a hint of heartache flashing in his eyes. He gently combed her hair down her temple with his fingers, his voice low and gentle: "This isn't you 'forcing' me, it's you being afraid. You're afraid I won't be here, afraid I'll forget you, afraid everything will suddenly be gone."
He paused, his breath trembling slightly, and pressed his forehead against the top of her head, his voice like soothing a child: "You can talk, you can be afraid, you can need me. You don't have to pretend you don't care."
Her shoulders were still trembling slightly, but the strength she had been holding onto in Zhou Yue's arms finally loosened a little, and she leaned gently against him.
“Zhiyao,” he said softly, his voice hoarse and weak, “I understand how you feel. It’s not about wanting or making a fuss; it’s just about being afraid of being abandoned. It’s not your fault.”
He paused, his breath falling softly on the top of her head: "No matter how busy I am in the future, I will give you a signal, even if it's just a word or an expression, so you know I'm here. I don't want you to fall into that hole alone."
Xia Zhiyao's fingertips were still gripping the bedsheet, but she slowly loosened them, her fingers tentatively hooking onto the hem of his clothes. Her eyes were a little dazed, and her voice was low: "You don't have to...do this for me."
Zhou Yue gently lifted her chin with his fingers, pressed his forehead against hers, and said in a deep and steady voice, "I'm willing. Don't keep pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion."
Zhou Yue wiped away the tears from the corner of her eyes with his thumb and said softly, "Let's take it slow. You can tell me what you're afraid of, what you lack, what you want... little by little. I won't leave."
Under his approaching gaze, Xia Zhiyao finally seemed to have her disguise peeled away bit by bit. Tears slid down her eyelashes, and she bit her lip, her voice almost breaking: "You don't understand... I've been waiting, waiting for the day you'll leave too."
As she spoke, her breathing quickened, and her eyes slowly lost focus, as if she had been dragged back to memories from a long time ago.
She gripped Zhou Yue's clothes tightly with her fingertips, her voice trembling, but she stubbornly continued, "I will always remember what my mother was like in her marriage."
“My dad… he probably loves my mom, but he’s never satisfied. When he loves her, he’ll do whatever she wants, but when he doesn’t, he’ll give her the silent treatment, and my mom will start crying and becoming hysterical, over and over again.”
She took a breath, tears streaming down her cheeks, as if she could no longer hold them back: "When I was little, I stood at the door and watched her cry and berate my dad. She was such an elegant and beautiful woman, but back then she didn't care about her image at all. But my dad? He just frowned and remained silent."
Her voice trailed off, her shoulders trembling slightly: "I was terrified then, but there was nothing I could do."
Her voice choked with emotion, but her eyes were filled with fear: "I'm afraid that one day I'll become like my mother, loving so humbly, loving without dignity, but if I don't love, it seems like I have nothing."
Zhou Yue suddenly pulled her into his arms, his grip so tight it felt like he wanted to nail her to his chest. His chin rested on the top of her head, and he spoke each word with an almost obsessive stubbornness: "Listen carefully, Xia Zhiyao, I am not him, and I will never be your father. I will not leave, I will not cheat on you, and I will not let you cry hysterically. With me, you will never have to be afraid."
She froze in his arms, her fingertips trembling as she clutched his shirt. Tears soaked the fabric, and her voice trembled with suppressed emotion: "But I can't believe it... If I believe it, I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and I'll be all alone again."
Zhou Yue's breath hitched. He suddenly leaned down and, almost impulsively, kissed her tear-stained face. His eyes were red, and his voice was muffled on her lips: "It's okay if you don't believe me. You just need to look at me and feel me. I will show you time and time again that I am different from them."
Zhou Yue remained silent for a long time.
That confession was like a dull knife, stabbing him in the heart again and again. His fingertips tightened on his knees, almost leaving shallow marks, and he felt a sudden tightness in his chest.
He lowered his head, looking at the person buried in his arms. The gloom in his eyes slowly turned into heartache. He gently stroked the back of her hand with his fingertips, slowly opening her tightly clenched palm. His voice was low: "Zhiyao... I heard you."
He paused, as if gathering his courage: "You feel useless, that you chose the wrong person, but in my eyes, you've always been desperately trying to survive. You just grabbed onto the coldest straw."
Zhou Yue took a breath, his voice hoarse and slightly cracked: "I know what that feels like... fear of loneliness, fear of loss, fear of not being worthy of being loved. I've had those days before, waking up at night with sweaty palms, but I just stubbornly kept quiet."
He leaned down slightly, his forehead gently touching the top of her head: "I don't blame you, nor do I think you're useless. I just feel sorry for you."
Xia Zhiyao was stunned for a moment, tears welling up again. She subconsciously wanted to back away, but he grabbed her wrist.
Zhou Yue approached, his eyes sharp enough to pierce through all the darkness hidden in her heart: "You said you were afraid of becoming your mother, afraid of loving without dignity..." His tone trembled, but his words were extremely harsh: "You are not her, and you should not be trapped by her shadow for the rest of your life. Zhiyao, you have the right to live a different life."
After saying this, Zhou Yue seemed to be pulling her out of those dark memories little by little, leaning over and encircling her in his arms. He lowered his head, his lips close to her damp hair, his breath light and warm, his voice steady like a vow: "Zhiyao, you are not your mother, and I am not your father."
He paused, then gently stroked her back with his hand, his voice low and firm: "Don't worry, with me here, I won't let you relive her pain."
Zhou Yue stroked her back, his voice low, and suddenly said, "I know what you're thinking."
Xia Zhiyao was slightly taken aback, a hint of panic flashing in her eyes.
“You’re thinking,” he said slowly, his gaze calm and steady, “that you’re using me to ease your anxiety. You’re afraid that one day I’ll be gone, and what will you do then? Isn’t that right?”
Xia Zhiyao froze, her eyelashes trembling slightly, as if her deepest thoughts had been touched, and her breath caught in her throat.
Zhou Yue stared at her, a hint of heartache in his eyes, but no blame. He simply tightened his embrace more gently: "Zhiyao, I was just like you back then."
He paused, his voice even lower: "Back then, I also used you as a weapon to fight my anxiety. But after you left, it got even worse, and I felt like I had fallen into an abyss."
He raised his hand and gently cupped her face, forcing her to look at him: "So I understand you. I know how painful it is, and I know that you can't save yourself by clinging to others."
Zhou Yue lowered his eyes, his fingertips still slowly caressing her back, but his voice gradually deepened: "Back then, during the day I acted like an iron man on Wall Street, with meetings, data, and phone calls non-stop, but at night when I got home I couldn't sleep at all, staring at the ceiling."
He took a deep breath, as if exhaling the shadows of the past bit by bit: "I thought I was in good control, but it was all thanks to you replying with a message, even if it was just 'hmm,' that I could hold on until the next second. During the time you were gone, I completely broke down. I felt tightness in my chest when I went out, my palms were sweaty when I walked on the street, and I felt suffocated when I woke up at night."
He paused, his gaze falling on her face, his voice low and husky: "I started looking at our old chats over and over again, flipping through the photos you posted, forcing myself to go running and to work, just trying to convince myself that I was still functioning."
Zhou Yue gave a bitter smile, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down: "So I understand that feeling all too well, clinging to someone as a lifeline, afraid that if you let go you'll fall. But that's not really living, it's just barely surviving."
He looked up, gently wiped away her tears, and said in a softer tone, "Zhiyao, I don't want you to go through all of this."
Xia Zhiyao stared at him blankly, her eyes filled with tears, her breathing becoming increasingly erratic as he spoke. She bit her lip, her voice hoarse: "You've told me these things before... but when it happened to me, I realized how painful it truly is."
Her fingertips tightened slightly on his shirt, tears streaming down her cheeks as she whispered, "I'm sorry... I thought I understood how you felt back then."
She looked up at him, her eyes filled with self-reproach and confusion, her voice even softer: "Why didn't you just tell me then? Why did you have to bear it all by yourself?"
Zhou Yue gave a bitter smile, a faint red line appearing in his eyes. His voice was low and a little hoarse: "I didn't dare to say it back then. I was afraid that if you saw me in such a disheveled state, you would think I was annoying, clingy, or not good enough."
He raised his hand and gently lifted her chin, his fingertips warm yet firm, his eyes gentle yet resolute: "But now I'd rather you know everything than for us to continue pretending in front of each other."
Xia Zhiyao's hand was still clutching his shirt, her fingers slowly loosening as if she had finally breathed a sigh of relief. She lowered her head, tears falling one by one into his palm, her voice so soft it almost dissipated into the air: "So you were... scared too."
Zhou Yue's hand tightened, his forehead gently pressed against hers, their breaths mingling, his voice steady and slow: "Yes, I'm scared too. But being scared doesn't mean we have to be trapped by it for the rest of our lives."
His hand slowly slid down to her wrist, gently prying open her tightly clenched palm, unfolding it little by little: "Over the years, you've gotten used to carrying things alone, used to gripping tightly, used to being afraid, but no matter how chaotic you are, I want you to lean on me first, to have a breath of fresh air."
As Zhou Yue spoke, his eyes gradually softened, yet carried an unyielding strength: "I'm not here to solve all your problems, nor am I here to make you better immediately. I just want you to know that there's a place where you don't have to be so careful."
He reached out to wipe away the tears from the corners of her eyes, his thumb gently stroking her cheek, his voice hoarse yet warm: "This time, it's not you holding me back, it's me holding you tight."
As Xia Zhiyao listened, tears streamed down her face. She felt a sense of relief and finally curled up slightly in his arms, like a little animal being comforted.
The air conditioner in the bedroom was still humming softly. The sweltering heat of the summer night gradually faded away, leaving only the two of them breathing together, quiet and real.
Xia Zhiyao nestled in his arms, her chest rising and falling, tears soaking his shirt, her thumb unconsciously rubbing back and forth on the hem of his clothes.
At that moment, she felt her voice emerge from a very deep place, thin and trembling, yet finally with weight.
“I…I really need you,” she said softly, her voice barely audible.
She paused, her fingertips gently gripping his fabric, her voice hoarse: "I don't mean to hold on to you... I just... don't want to fall down alone again."
Zhou Yue tightened his grip, almost simultaneously pulling her shoulders close and completely enveloping her in his arms. His forehead gently rested against the top of her head, his breathing deep and slow.
“I’m here.” His voice was hoarse, but every word was clear. “I’m here, Zhiyao.”
Xia Zhiyao closed her eyes, tears sliding down her nose. For the first time, she felt a real weight in her chest, not the heavy weight of fear, but the reassuring feeling of someone supporting her.
Her hand, which had been clenched tightly, now rested gently on his chest, her fingertips pausing for a second where his heart was beating. The summer night air gradually relaxed, as if a thick layer of fog had been lifted, revealing a long-lost coolness and tranquility.
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