Chapter 73 I lied to myself for seven years...
Xia Zhiyao froze, her heart aching terribly. She reached out to touch his face, the temperature her fingertips felt burning and trembling.
She tried her best to control herself, but still choked out, "At that time... I really had no other choice. I was afraid of dragging you down, afraid that you would give up everything for me."
The room fell silent, with only the sound of their breathing mingling. Zhou Yue held her, his fingertips gently stroking her shoulders and back, as if giving her some time to process what was happening.
After a long silence, he spoke in a low voice, "I've almost told you everything about me." He paused, his voice steady yet probing, "And you?"
Xia Zhiyao's heart tightened, and her fingertips unconsciously gripped the corner of his pajamas. She didn't answer, her eyelashes trembling slightly, as if she was about to pull away at any moment.
Zhou Yue stared at her profile, his eyes filled with complex emotions, and finally said the words that had been weighing on his mind: "Actually, Zheng Xiaotian mentioned it to me once."
Xia Zhiyao suddenly looked up, a flash of panic crossing her eyes.
Zhou Yue simply looked at her quietly, without pressing her for answers, and slowly added, "But he also told me that it's best to... tell me when you're ready."
His voice was low and steady, as if he were handing over the choice entirely to her. "Zhiyao," he gently cupped her face in his hands, his tone even softer, "is now the time for you to choose?"
She finally spoke, her voice hoarse and dry, as if pulled slowly from the depths of her throat: "Do you want to hear the truth?"
Zhou Yue slowly raised his head, his eyes tinged with a faint red, but his gaze was extremely calm, like a pool of water frozen in the night. Only his voice trembled slightly: "I just want to hear the truth."
Xia Zhiyao closed her eyes and remained silent for a few seconds, as if she were fighting fiercely with herself. Finally, she spoke softly, word by word, "That person... was my classmate in college."
Her voice was so soft it was almost swallowed by the night, as if she had used all her strength to utter the following words: "At first... I didn't actually know he was married."
The light cast a play of light and shadow across her eyes. She looked up at the ceiling, her voice as soft as falling snowflakes: "Actually, we were quite close back in college, but we weren't together. Later, when I returned to China and entered the consulting industry, he helped me a lot at a partner company... and slowly, we got together."
“I really didn’t know at first,” Xia Zhiyao’s voice was low, with an uncontrollable tremor, “I only found out later… that his wife and children were abroad.”
Her fingertips gripped the corner of the blanket tightly, as if she wanted to tear the thin fabric apart. Her breathing was disordered. "I told him I wanted to break up then, but... I don't know what's wrong with me. I knew I was wrong, but I still couldn't get along with him."
At this point, her voice almost choked, tinged with self-deprecating laughter: "It's like falling into a quagmire; the more you struggle, the deeper you sink."
She paused for a moment, her eyes vacant as she stared at the ceiling above her head. Her voice was so soft it sounded like she had exhausted the last of her strength: "In the end, I had no choice but to run, to run to New York."
As she spoke, she slowly hugged her knees, pressed her forehead against them, and her shoulders trembled slightly. Her demeanor was not like that of someone recounting the past, but rather like someone slowly peeling herself apart, leaving her so naked that she had almost nowhere to hide.
Her voice began to choke, as if she had been holding back for far too long. Once she spoke, it was like a flood bursting its banks, unstoppable: "I've tried, I've really tried leaving him so many times. I told myself, this isn't right..."
She lowered her head, her knuckles digging into her knees as if she were tearing herself apart, her breath trembling: "But I can't escape... Every time I turn around, I feel like I'm falling back into that abyss where nobody wants me."
“You don’t know that feeling…” Her voice broke, filled with a piercing despair, “It’s like there’s no place in this world that belongs to me, no one… who would feel at ease because I’m alive.”
She took a deep breath, and tears finally broke free. "I just... wanted you to know that it's not that I don't want to live a clean life." She closed her eyes, tears still falling, her voice so soft it was almost carried away by the wind. "It's just that... I really don't know how to get through this. I thought I could extricate myself."
She smiled, a soft laugh, but full of self-mockery, as if she were mocking herself: "I thought... I could get away unscathed. But I dragged it out for seven years."
Seven years, countless sleepless nights, countless times of unwilling yet cowardly escape, countless times typing "Let's end it" in the chat box and then deleting it cleanly. She was like a trapped beast, spinning in place, wanting to escape, but being pulled back by invisible shackles.
“I lied to myself for seven years, thinking I could control myself, not become addicted, and not cross the line.” She lowered her head, her wet eyelashes casting a small shadow. “But in the end, I was already deeply mired in it.”
“Those seven years…” she laughed softly, her eyes red-rimmed, but her laughter was cold and bitter. “I didn’t live like a human being, but more like a parasite. Love and guilt, little by little, gnawed me out.”
Xia Zhiyao's voice stopped abruptly, and the room became eerily quiet, with only her intermittent breathing remaining.
Zhou Yue froze, feeling as if something had struck his chest, making it hard to breathe. He stared at her, his eyes swirling with a jumble of emotions, like a surging tide—anger, heartache, and an unspeakable bitterness.
He suddenly reached out and pried her fingers apart one by one, pinching her knuckles until they turned white. His heart trembled at the sight, and he couldn't help but pull her into his arms.
"Don't say that." Zhou Yue's voice was hoarse, filled with suppressed anger and heartache. "You're not a parasite. That person should die. He took advantage of you, stole your light, and still dares to let you see yourself like this?"
He became more and more agitated as he spoke, his arms around her almost digging into her bones: "Zhiyao, how can you punish yourself for someone else's sins? Seven years, you carried all that alone, do you know how painful it was for me to hear about it?"
Xia Zhiyao was held so tightly by him that she could hardly breathe. Tears blurred her vision, and she buried her nose in his shoulder, her voice trembling: "But it was my own choice... No one forced me. I walked in on my own."
Zhou Yue raised his hand and placed it on the back of her head, as if to pull her into his arms. His voice trembled as he said, "You were so young when you made your choice. Why should you take all the blame? Why should you atone for that bastard?"
Xia Zhiyao's voice trembled, "You know what," her eyes were blank, as if they saw through everything in front of her, "sometimes... I even find a little pleasure in pain. It's like I'm atoning for my father's sins."
As she finished speaking, she gripped her knees tightly with her fingertips, her voice trembling, "He cheated on me, got a divorce, and destroyed my family, but I chose someone just like him... I feel like I deserve it, so I can only suffer through more and more pain."
Her breathing was erratic, as if she had finally exhausted herself, her voice so low it was almost fading away: "Later I couldn't hold on anymore. Anxiety, insomnia, depression... I couldn't sleep night after night."
Her body trembled slightly, and her voice broke: "For a long time, I didn't know... why I was still alive. The only thing that could relieve some of my pain was work."
“So I ran away.” Her voice was as light as dust, floating in the air, so fragile that it might dissipate at any moment. “At that time, things weren’t going well at work either, so I thought I should just throw everything away, I didn’t want anything anymore.”
Xia Zhiyao's eyes were blurred with tears, and her lips were bitten until they turned white. She finally spoke, her voice low, hoarse, and trembling: "I slept with you in New York...it was intentional. I wanted to test whether I could accept another man. But from the beginning, I was the one who wronged you."
Her fingertips dug into her palms so hard they almost broke her skin, and her voice trembled violently: "I haven't even cleaned up my own mess yet, and I'm dragging you into this. I don't know how to tell you... I can't bring myself to say it."
“You know what,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes, her chest heaving, “every time I see you, I feel like I’m using you. You’re as clean as a blank sheet of paper, while my heart… is already a pool of filth.”
She choked up, her voice almost broken: "I don't deserve to like you at all, let alone be liked by you. I'm even afraid that you'll touch me, afraid that one day you'll find out the truth and look at me with contempt, just like everyone else."
At this point, she suddenly chuckled softly, a bitter laugh tinged with a harsh self-mockery: "Sometimes I even feel that I should never have met you. You showed me the life I could have, but I don't deserve it. The better you are to me, the more afraid I become, afraid that one day you'll realize... I really don't deserve it."
Her breath hitched, tears streamed down her face, her fingers trembled as she clutched the hem of her clothes. Finally, she looked up, her vision blurred: "So when I left that day, I didn't even dare to say a word of explanation. Because I knew that even if I did, you wouldn't let me go. And if I didn't leave... you would be dragged deeper and deeper into my life."
She spoke the last few words with almost all her might, her voice trembling as she said them: "I don't want to ruin you."
Zhou Yue suddenly tightened his arms, pulling her tightly into his embrace. His voice was low and hoarse, almost trembling as he sternly said, "Enough, Zhiyao, stop talking!"
His breathing was rapid, his forehead pressed against her temple, his voice filled with barely suppressed heartache and anxiety: "Don't talk about yourself like that anymore. The past is the past. That was his problem, not yours."
His palm covered the back of her head, the pressure almost stubborn, and his voice was deliberate and clear: "You're not just punishing yourself, you're punishing me too."
As he finished speaking, his eyes reddened, his throat tightened, and his voice became so low it was almost pleading: "Zhiyao, you're in pain, but I'm in even more pain than you."
Xia Zhiyao felt as if all her defenses had collapsed at that moment, tears streaming down her face uncontrollably. She nestled in his arms, her shoulders trembling, crying like a child who had completely lost her way.
Zhou Yue held her, his heart feeling as if it had been ripped open with a knife. He had never seen her cry like this before, so thoroughly, so unrestrained, as if she were pouring out all the grievances, pain, and guilt she had accumulated over the years.
His hand gently stroked her back, the pressure careful, as if comforting a wounded animal. His voice was low and husky, barely audible: "Zhiyao, don't cry... I'm here."
But he knew that saying anything at this point would be useless, so he simply held her tightly, letting her cry freely in his arms, even as her tears soaked his shoulders.
His forehead rested against the top of her head, his breathing ragged, his eyes already red. His chest ached from her sobs, but he couldn't utter a single word to interrupt her, only able to murmur softly over and over again, "It's alright, Zhiyao... it's alright."
Xia Zhiyao cried so hard she could barely breathe, tears streaming down her face, soaking his shoulder. Her hand, which had been gripping his clothes tightly and trembling at first, gradually loosened in the end, as if all her strength had been exhausted by her tears.
She gradually went limp, finally leaning weakly against him, her breathing intermittent, as if all her strength had been drained away.
Zhou Yue felt her weight suddenly pressing down on him, his heart tightened, and he instinctively tightened his arms to hold her firmly in his embrace.
He looked down at her, his eyes red and stinging, his fingertips trembling as he gently wiped away her tears. Xia Zhiyao finally seemed to have unloaded a long-held burden, letting herself completely sink into his embrace.
That night, the crying gradually subsided, and the room became so quiet that only their intertwined breathing could be heard. Zhou Yue never let go of her, his arms tightly wrapped around her, as if afraid that she would disappear again if she turned around.
They fell asleep in each other's arms without realizing it. There were no dreams, no startled awakenings, and no tossing and turning in the middle of the night. There was only a long-lost sense of peace, as if they had finally found a safe haven.
When they opened their eyes again, they had actually slept until noon. Xia Zhiyao moved and realized that she was still nestled in his arms, her nose pressed against his chest, and she could hear his steady and strong heartbeat.
She paused, a sudden, indescribable sense of peace washing over her. Zhou Yue woke up too, looked down at her, his voice low and hoarse from just waking up, but with a hint of relaxed laughter: "I haven't slept this well in a long time."
Xia Zhiyao was stunned for a moment, then she suddenly realized that she was the same.
At that moment, neither of them said anything, but they both understood that what they had embraced last night was not just their bodies, but all the wounds and loneliness that had accumulated over the years.
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