Chapter 55 [VIP]
The room was not brightly lit; the sun outside was completely blocked by the curtains, and the only light came from the perpetually lit corridor.
A faint fragrance wafted in the air—the scent of the body lotion that Chenmian used.
"Green tea flavor," Shen Jinshan suddenly thought. "Shen Mian doesn't seem like a boy at all; it's inappropriate for him to like these things since he was little."
The accusations from the sleeping voice still lingered in his ears, mingling with that faint fragrance, like countless fine threads coiling around his nostrils, almost suffocating him: "Does being with someone else make me despicable if I'm not with you? Shen Jinshan, you've gone too far!"
His wrist was angrily pulled away from his hand, and the person on the bed started hitting him with a pillow again.
Shen Jinshan's gaze shifted, finally settling on the boy's face. The boy's face was pale and pink, his cheeks flushed red with anger, and his whole body was trembling slightly, his eyes filled with shameful hatred.
Shen Jinshan knew they were finished.
This realization was like ice water poured over his head, instantly extinguishing all his burning jealousy, leaving only ashes.
All his anger, resentment, and pain of betrayal were frozen in that moment by the clear resistance and hatred in his slumbering eyes.
Shen Jinshan took a deep, almost greedy breath. The sweet fragrance that once belonged to a slumbering soul now carried a suffocating bitterness.
He was finally forced to accept the fact he had been avoiding all along—
Chenmian is no longer the boy who would revolve around him, write love letters, and prepare flowers and rings to show his love for him. His heart has already turned towards someone else, and he has even... begun to hate him.
Amidst this intense emotional turmoil, a strange, almost stagnant calm enveloped him.
The sanctimonious mask he always wore was once again tightly covering his face.
He suppressed the embarrassment he felt from being stabbed by Chenmian's sharp words, suppressed the hatred he felt for Chenmian destroying everything, and instead became calmer than before: "So what if it is? Chenmian, didn't you destroy everything first?"
He stared at Shenmian's face, which had become blank because of his words, and felt a twisted pleasure in his heart, as if he wanted to tell Shenmian all his thoughts, drag Shenmian into this endless hell, and suffer the excruciating pain together, so that he could get a moment's respite.
Every word was written in blood.
"You've made it impossible for me to be your brother, nor can I accept being your lover."
“I am not an outsider, nor am I someone like Lin Langli who will stop at nothing. Chenmian, how do you expect me to accept you? And how do you expect me to accept my feelings for you?”
"We've been brothers for nineteen years after all."
He looked at Chenmian's slightly widened eyes, his vision blurring for a moment: "I can't do something so morally reprehensible."
Something trickled down Shen Jinshan's cheek, something he was completely unfamiliar with.
He hadn't cried for many years.
She never cried when Shen Mianjun slapped her hand as a child, never cried when faced with heavy academic and extracurricular pressures, and never cried when she accidentally fell off a horse while practicing with Su Yueqiu at the horse farm.
He has been an adult for a long time, and is much older than he has been asleep.
However, the first time he cried in so many years was because of Shen Mian.
Shen Jinshan never regretted his refusal.
He was terrified of losing Shenmian, fearing that Shenmian would hate him and leave him.
“Sleep, sleep,” he said, each word difficult to utter, his voice hoarse, each syllable carrying immense weight.
Shenmian stopped hitting him and just sat there, her shoulders trembling as tears streamed down her face. Shen Jinshan didn't dare look at Shenmian's face, only staring at the tears falling from the sky.
“You can mistake cherishing for selfishness, protection for control, and infatuation for immorality, but,” Shen Jinshan’s eyes stung with tears, yet he still stubbornly said, “but can you still treat love as love, even if it is untimely, flawed, and unhealthy?”
After saying all this, Shen Jinshan seemed finally relieved.
But it was only "like" because at this moment, in the silent space where only their suppressed breathing and constant tears could be heard, Shen Jinshan could hardly breathe.
Chenmian was crying again. He had made Chenmian cry. Chenmian didn't answer him.
She will never like him again.
Countless things piled up together.
Every breath Shen Jinshan took was accompanied by immense pain and pressure.
His heart began to clench with pain. Shen Jinshan squeezed his eyes shut, holding back his weak tears, and then opened them again, mustering the courage to look at Shen Mian.
It's all his fault.
He dared not touch her again, or restrain her from sleeping. Shen Jinshan could only sit by the bed, remaining silent.
The slumber continues to weep.
After a long while, or perhaps just a moment, Shen Jinshan finally heard Shen Mian speak: "You insulted me, you called me disgusting, you called me despicable and promiscuous. Shen Jinshan, how dare you say you have feelings for me? How can I believe that you, who have done all this to me, love me?"
Shen Jinshan's heart sank, and he stared stiffly at Shen Mian.
"When I liked you, you said those things to me, trampling on my feelings."
"When I didn't like you, you called me cheap and promiscuous, humiliating my sincerity."
"Shen Jinshan, in your eyes, am I such a despicable person, someone who can be humiliated at will?"
Her sleeping body trembled uncontrollably, and the scent emanating from the man made her even colder.
The cold fragrance emanating from Shen Jinshan, the hurt Shen Jinshan caused him, and Shen Jinshan's tears all caused him pain.
He felt a pain in his eyelids, and an even deeper, lingering sorrow in his heart; his tears seemed endless.
But even in his slumber, he still wanted to speak, and he still wanted to ask.
He was not a child who had never been loved. He had received the love of Su Yueqiu and Shen Mianjun for his parents, the love of Shen Ci for his brothers, and the controlling love of Lin Langli.
He sensed it all.
Only Shen Jinshan, before Lin Langli returned, had shown him such vague and shallow kindness. After Lin Langli returned, it became clearer, but it was still not enough.
Shen Ci had reminded him: "Do you really think Shen Jinshan is sincere towards you?"
He could actually sense it, but he was unwilling to admit it.
When he was a child, he didn't want to take medicine or study. Only when he went to Shen Jinshan would Shen Jinshan indulge him.
—Shen Jinshan had disliked him since childhood. Otherwise, why would he have thought he was "not familiar" with Shen Jinshan during his long years of growth?
Shen Jinshan hated him so much—even if what he said was true, he now genuinely likes him and his younger brother.
So what?
She confessed her feelings to him, but was rejected without mercy, shattering her hopes for love.
What if Lin Langli didn't like him? What if Lin Langli hadn't taken him away that night?
How will things develop from here?
Shen Jinshan didn't like him, or rather, he didn't like him enough.
Therefore, the pressure of morality, the gaze of others, and the carefully maintained facade of the upper class would all pull him back to his brother's boundaries. Even without all of this, they would not be able to withstand any turmoil.
How could Shen Mian blindfold himself and claim that Shen Jinshan's love for him was true love?
Shen Jinshan was wrong. The reasons for saying "out of step with the times, full of flaws, and unhealthy" are only one:
Shen Jinshan didn't like him enough.
Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable and stress-free to be indifferent to him, humiliate him, monitor him, and hand him over to others like an object to control him.
He couldn't find a single thing that made him want to continue liking it; he was clearly asleep and couldn't feel anything.
The Shen Jinshan that he liked and relied on was not the real Shen Jinshan; it was just a mask that Shen Jinshan casually put on for him.
How could he be so foolish? What has blinded him?
Chenmian covered his face and cried, but the ample warmth in the room gradually dried his tears, leaving a tight, astringent feeling. Chenmian raised his face, slowly but resolutely lifting his head to look at the man sitting stiffly on the edge of the bed, severing all ties word by word: "Don't worry about me anymore. You and I have never had anything to do with each other."
"Who I'm with is none of your business. If I really don't want to date Lin Langli, I'll tell my parents, not you to force me to date someone who looks like you."
“Shen Jinshan, you need to know that from that night on, there was no possibility for us to make up.”
Shen Jinshan's lips trembled violently, but he was unable to utter another word.
He knew, he knew all along, which is why he was so eager to cover things up afterwards, to pretend nothing had happened and continue to spend time with Shen Mian, to deceive himself into believing that he hadn't fallen out with Shen Mian, that he was still Shen Mian's good brother, and that nothing had changed.
His chest heaved with painful gasps, each breath tearing at his internal organs. Shen Jinshan felt as if death was beckoning him, but Shen Mian stared at him with such indifferent eyes: "You say I ruined everything, but if you really just wanted to be my good brother wholeheartedly and impartially, then why was your reaction so violent that day?"
“So, Shen Jinshan,” Shen Mian stared straight at the person in front of him and slowly pronounced the verdict he had given, “it was actually you who destroyed everything.”
“As for Lin Langli and me, I already said it that day,” he stared at Shen Jinshan’s reaction, watching the man’s eyes slowly and inhumanly move, and said with a light laugh, “We are true love.”
"And you, Shen Jinshan, were just a mistake I made in a moment of confusion. In order to find a reliable backer at home, I misunderstood affection and liking, misunderstood reliance and love. It was a wrong choice made out of desperation."
"You should be able to sense it too, right? My so-called liking for you is very utilitarian."
He watched as Shen Jinshan closed his eyes, almost holding his breath, with fine beads of cold sweat seeping from his forehead. He watched as the man slumped down as if his spine had been removed, as if he were reliving those intimate scenes with his brothers. Shen Mian gave a rather bleak laugh.
It's so unfair that Shen Jinshan hurt him.
He would retaliate, even though he himself would suffer for the words he uttered.
But shouldn't it be like this?
Chenmian continued:
"Shen Jinshan, you are not worthy of my affection at all."
"Even if he is the substitute you casually pushed to me, Zong Bingwen, he is more worthy of my sincere devotion than you are."
“Shen Jinshan, you are not worthy at all.”
A note from the author:
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