Chapter 128 A Generation of Pirates 15 Awakening from a dream.
This was an action full of control. Jian Ziyan did not rush to break free. He raised his eyes calmly and looked into Felix's eyes.
In the thick white fog, the mermaid's eyes were no longer as clear and blue as before, but as thick as the lightless deep sea.
He asked softly: "Is this answer important to you?"
"..." Jian Ziyan was silent for a moment, "Is there something here that I should know but don't know?"
The last time he asked this question, the answer he got almost broke him and almost ruined his relationship with Felix.
And now, he smelled the uneasy scent again.
But he did not retreat or avoid, but looked at Felix more openly.
"Whatever the answer is, do you think you should tell me?"
"I... don't know." Felix suddenly smiled, and he lowered his light golden eyelashes to cover his dark pupils. He lifted the boy's hand and put it to his lips and kissed it gently. Although there were no tears, his voice was tinged with a damp taste.
"I don't want to bear this answer alone, Ayan. Sometimes I can't help thinking that even if I have to go to hell, I will take you with me, so that you won't die in a place I don't know, or fall in love with someone else one day when I don't know, and I will be a step too late... I really can't bear any more such a blow, Ayan, I think I've gone crazy. Now I can't even tell which me is talking to you."
【Jian Ziyan: "...I feel like something is not right."
419: "What's wrong?"
"Look at Lu Wufeng... He seems to be playing a confession game." Jian Ziyan said, "Not good. According to the current settings of the body
, I can’t stand it.”
"Ah? No way..." 419 wanted to say that Lu Wufeng looked quite normal now and he wouldn't go crazy suddenly, but when he saw the pair of eyes that had evolved into scarlet, he swallowed his words and his tone became horrified, "Is he really crazy?"
"If he's not crazy, why would he appear here... Never mind, I want to see how he can talk about his past life and cultivation to a person with a Western background." Jian Ziyan said with a headache, "I really don't want to hurt the Immortal King again. The world doesn't need his forgiveness. I originally wanted to leave him with a good memory and say goodbye properly."
419 was horrified: "What are you going to do?"
"We'll take it one step at a time." Jian Ziyan said, "Not violating my current personality is the bottom line. As for the rest... I can't control it anymore."
Jian Ziyan did not expect that a simple inquiry would make Felix behave like this.
The mermaid's attractive and pleasant voice was suppressed to be low, hoarse and rough. Every word she uttered carried a heart-wrenching pain, as if it contained blood and tears. Just listening to it made people feel cramped and suffocated.
Jian Ziyan's eyes became serious, and he realized that the answer to this question might be more serious than he thought.
"Then tell me," he said. "Felix, look at me."
His voice was like a forbidden spell to Felix. Felix's eyelashes trembled, but he still raised his head.
Jian Ziyan's pupils suddenly shrank.
What he saw was not Felix's blue eyes, but a pair of scarlet pupils, as if they were filled with a pool of blood.
In an instant, overwhelming despair and sadness hit him in the face. Just a glance made Jian Ziyan feel as if he was sucked into an abyss, which was dirty and sticky. Countless hands stretched out from the mud, grabbing at him, blocking him, and preventing him from escaping.
"If you want to know, I'll tell you." Felix said hoarsely, "I can't lie to you anymore. I've made a vow for several lifetimes. Every time I break the vow, I will pay a terrible price. I dare not lie to you again, Ayan."
There was a flash of shock in Jian Ziyan's eyes.
[Jian Ziyan: "Fuck, wait a minute, I really have a bad feeling!"]
After deciding to confess everything, Felix's expression changed. He stared into Jian Ziyan's eyes, filled with a desperate determination.
"In the ancient and distant East, there is a saying about reincarnation. Although you grew up in Penoma, you must have heard of similar sayings." He said, "Our fate is not limited to this life. We have experienced many reincarnations together before. In these reincarnations, we have different identities and backgrounds, but no matter how many times you reincarnate, you are Jian Ziyan, my love."
Jian Ziyan's pupils dilated, filled with deep shock and confusion.
【Jian Ziyan: “What the hell? What the hell!”】
Seeing his expression, Felix's scarlet eyes showed soft heartache. He touched the corner of Jian Ziyan's eyes. Since he had already spoken, A Yan was qualified to know everything.
"In reincarnation, we have been through a lot together. We loved each other and suffered a lot. In every life, we had to...part and die."
When Felix said this word, his voice became hoarse again, and he felt a deep pain that could be seen to the bone.
He recalled the scenes of Jian Ziyan dying in his arms. Even when he was looking at the living Jian Ziyan in front of him, he could still feel the cracked and mottled wounds on his heart slowly bleeding new blood, reminding him of how many times he had lost all hope.
This fear and pain even made him unable to distinguish between memories and reality for a moment. The hand holding Jian Ziyan's wrist suddenly tightened, leaving deep finger marks on it.
But he himself didn't notice it, and Jian Ziyan didn't notice it either.
"You mean..." Jian Ziyan's voice was surprisingly hoarse as he spoke, "You are not Felix?"
"No, I'm Felix. This is my life. You can understand it as me... recovering the memories of my previous lives." Felix saw that Jian Ziyan's thin wrist bones were trembling slightly due to his tightening, and he let go of his hand as if waking up from a dream. However, he didn't want to let go completely, so he just held it loosely in his palm.
"I'm sorry, A'yan. You've been the one saving me in every life. I'm the most incompetent person. I could only watch you die every time." He whispered, "Until this life, although I was still a step too late and couldn't prevent the harm..." His voice was choked with sobs, "...but fortunately, I caught up and didn't let you die of despair again."
Finally, a glimmer of light was injected into his dark and dilapidated heart.
Ayan is still alive, he didn't come too late.
Finally confessing all this, Felix's eyes were filled with an almost crazy eagerness. He looked at Jian Ziyan and repeated like a spell: "Fortunately, I caught up and you are still here. I finally have a chance to save you."
In contrast to his enthusiasm, Jian Ziyan's face gradually turned pale.
"You saved me..." he whispered, "because of those memories from the past?"
Felix's remaining sanity made him keenly aware of something. The fanaticism on his face sank, and he said anxiously: "No, it's not just because of those memories, but because you are you, Ayan. No matter what world you are reincarnated into, you are still Jian Ziyan..."
"Then tell me." Jian Ziyan interrupted him, "If you hadn't recovered those memories, and were still the Felix I knew in this life..."
His pupils trembled as he asked the question calmly: "If you were still the same Felix, would you do this for me?"
"I……"
"Will you ignore the secrets of the Sea Country and spare Lun's life just because of my wish? Will you disregard your race and your subjects and would rather exchange your life for theirs, and use your own blood to save me? Will you dare to risk the world's disapproval and announce to your people that you want to marry a human?" Jian Ziyan interrupted him again, "Tell me, will you?"
Felix's pupils contracted. Faced with these sharp questions, he refused to think of another possibility.
"I will," he said.
Jian Ziyan gave a dumb and bitter smile.
The boy was smiling, but his eyes gradually turned red.
Seeing him sad, Felix felt his brain explode. He wanted to touch the boy's face dully: "Ayan..."
Jian Ziyan took a step back, and his wrist bone slipped out of Felix's hand.
Felix looked down at his hands in shock, seemingly unable to react to what had happened.
"You won't, Felix." He heard the boy's voice, "You are such a responsible king, even if you love me, you won't do this."
“No…” Felix said forcefully, “I won’t lie to you. I will do it, whether I have recovered my memory or not. No one is more important than you. As long as I can save you, I will pay anything.”
Hearing him say this, the last glimmer of hope hidden in the boy's eyes disappeared.
"You didn't lie to me." Jian Ziyan was surprised that he could still have a clear mind now, "You are lying to yourself."
He felt a burning pain from the inside out.
The mermaid blood that had supported his life before now turned into blazing flames that burned on his body and inside his body. They roared and filled every drop of his blood, like countless tiny hands tearing every inch of him apart.
But he still maintained a clear mind, looking at Felix who seemed to be in great confusion. He wanted to grab his collar and scold him loudly, but he still felt soft-hearted.
"You are no longer the same person, Felix. You want to save me, but you only want to save those in your memory... Jian Ziyan."
After saying this, Jian Ziyan felt a huge sense of irony enveloping him, wrapping him up completely without leaving a single gap.
What is this doing? Teaching the lover to realize that he doesn't actually love you?
The soreness in his nose and eye sockets oppressed his voice. He tried his best to suppress the trembling of his voice, as if he was persuading an ignorant child.
"You lost them, so you regret it. You saved me not because you loved me, but because you wanted to make up for your past regrets." Jian Ziyan's voice paused, and finally he could not control the pain that was surging in his heart, and said the cruelest words he could say to Felix.
He said: "But even if you save me, those people you really want to save will never come back."
"No!"
Felix flashed in front of Jian Ziyan, his facial muscles trembling violently, and his scarlet eyes were filled with terrifying light.
"I saved you, you are them." He pinched Jian Ziyan's shoulders, "You are Jian Ziyan, the one I'm looking for!"
"I'm not..." Jian Ziyan said in a low voice.
"How could you not be? The fluctuations of your souls are exactly the same. Even without your memories, you are the same person. You are the same person..." Felix's rationality was overwhelmed by Jian Ziyan's denial. He kept repeating this sentence, not knowing what to do to make him believe it.
He is Jian Ziyan, he will never make a mistake, this is his lover!
But his repeated emphasis caused the boy's originally calm eyes to suddenly collapse.
"I am not, I am not I am not what I am not! Do you understand? I am not those Jian Ziyans of yours!" Jian Ziyan roared at Felix, as if he wanted to roar out all the pain and disappointment in his heart, "I have my own life, my soul is independent, I am not the Jian Ziyan you want to save, I don't want to be labeled with other people's labels!"^
"But……"
"No buts!"
Jian Ziyan's chest heaved violently. He looked at Felix's eyes full of hesitation and obsession, and tears finally burst out.
"Why don't you understand..." His voice was hoarse and filled with tears, "I am who I am. No matter who you want to see through me, I am not them after all. I am not Jian Ziyan who has been through so much with you and made you love him so much that it breaks your heart."
He originally wanted to be more decent and not make himself look like a resentful woman who was used as a substitute.
But he didn't know that he was so intolerant to pain. The pain made it difficult for him to maintain his dignity. Hearing every word Felix said, he felt suffocated and extremely humiliated.
This humiliation was even worse than when he was pressed on the bed by Lunn before, because at that time Lunn was his enemy, and he would never bow to an enemy, nor would he let the enemy take advantage of his weakness.
But this time, the humiliation came from the people he loved.
How could this Felix be so confused and yet so cruel?
He can't even tell who he loves, but he insists on saying he loves others and makes them take him seriously.
All the pain he felt at this moment came from the fact that he took it seriously.
Felix was frightened by the boy's tears. These tears reminded him of extremely bad memories. His mind went blank for a moment and he just stared at Jian Ziyan in a daze.
Jian Ziyan struggled but failed to break free from his hand.
"Since you can't tell the difference, tell me a simple question." Jian Ziyan said, "After you regain your memory, when you look at me again, are you only looking at the me of this life, or are you looking at the shadows of those past lives?"
Felix's expression went blank.
He was looking at A-Yan, because A-Yan was the same person from beginning to end. Whether he recovered his memory or not, they were the same person...
But he found out that Jian Ziyan didn't believe it.
Seeing that he didn't say anything, Jian Ziyan curled the corners of his mouth, as if he wanted to reveal a self-deprecating smile, but the intense emotions blocked his throat, and when he moved his lips, he only spat out a mouthful of blood.
The two were too close, and blood splattered on Felix's chin. He seemed to have not figured out what was happening. He slowly lowered his head and looked at Jian Ziyan's bloody lips.
He began to tremble all over and moved his fingers as if he wanted to wipe the blood off Jian Ziyan, but his hands were completely out of control.
The next second, Jian Ziyan fell to the ground.
Felix hugged him into his arms and opened his mouth several times before he managed to utter a few broken words.
"Don't be afraid, Ayan. I'll take you back right away."
Go back? Where to go? Jian Ziyan thought.
The partner that the King of the Sea Kingdom wants to have now is not him at all.
Felix's long, bony fingers grasped his clothes tightly, and he whispered with all his strength, "I have my own lover. Even if he doesn't love me enough, you are not him, and you can never replace him."
Even if the real Felix didn't believe him, at least he was the only one in his eyes from beginning to end.
Realizing that even the things he compared himself to were so humble and pitiful, Jian Ziyan choked and coughed a few times, then laughed heart-wrenchingly.
People who are nice to him don’t really love him, and people he loves will never choose him.
Lie, cheat, hide, kill, plunder, beware, and abuse.
This is Jian Ziyan’s life.
How could he dare to hope for a warm relationship? Even his own mother didn't love him, so how could he dare to hope that someone else would love him regardless of everything?
"Ayan!"
Felix's eyes were bloodshot, and he felt the familiar fear that made his whole body tremble.
Jian Ziyan stopped laughing, blood foam continued to flow out of his mouth, his expression became weak, and his black eyes were dark and lifeless.
"It's time to wake up from the dream," he said rationally, "Send me back to the shore, any dock will do."
*
The author has something to say:
This chapter is so hard to write. It took up a lot of my time and energy... I'm hungry now.
See if this world ends tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.
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