Chapter 228 Epilogue - New World Arc (25)
That's roughly the gist of it.
Yu Qingzhou once had a rare opportunity, and if he had seized it, he might have been able to temporarily escape his isolated situation.
But he didn't do that... He did nothing.
As mentioned before, Yu Qingzhou herself does not believe in any kind of salvation that falls from the sky, or, to put it more nicely, anything like a gift from fate.
Although he did have similar delusions—
Suppose there exists a world where he doesn't exist, where Yu Rou, who wouldn't become "his" mother, could obtain, if not absolutely, a relatively happy and peaceful life.
Ultimately, it is a manifestation of extreme selfishness, cowardice, and irresponsibility.
Right now, take away my life completely, as if I had never been born into this world.
If this can bring happiness to others, that would be wonderful.
If... if it cannot be achieved, it is not something that "I" can interfere with, because "I" no longer exist.
The desire to be abandoned by the whole world is actually the same thing when reversed.
The subtext of someone who keeps saying that I'm not good enough and it's okay to die might be, "Why... couldn't I come to a world that can accept my imperfections?"
Perhaps occasionally, similar thoughts would flash through Yu Qingzhou's mind, but she would immediately realize that such thoughts were futile.
The world doesn't change just because someone dies. Even if there's a one in a trillion chance, that person still won't be him.
Therefore, Yu Qingzhou could not find a reason to die, just as he could not say why he lived.
The difference is that dying means going through trials and changes, while living doesn't require any extra determination, because one is already alive.
Whether it's torment or perseverance... no matter what his inner situation is, it won't change the outward manifestation that he is living.
If one had to put it in perspective, these two words exhibit a high degree of unity in Yu Qingzhou's character; essentially, they are both simply moving slowly towards a predetermined destination.
On the other hand, later events proved that, at least in that particular matter, not making a choice was perhaps the relatively correct one.
Because not long after, the incident that caused such a stir throughout the entire school occurred.
Because of that incident, Yu Qingzhou suddenly went from being an unknown boy to someone who needed to be treated differently.
"Ah, is that him?"
Yes, that must be the person.
[She seemed perfectly normal at first glance, but who knew she was a pervert underneath?]
Shh—look over here, look over here!
[Hmph, so what? Does doing it mean I can't let others talk about it?]
Haha, okay, let's go, let's go. It might even spread through eye contact...
In fact, Yu Qingzhou felt that psychological abnormality might not be contagious, but malice could probably be.
Especially in a relatively closed environment like a school campus.
Malice is like a perfectly arranged set of dominoes; once the first one is knocked down, a tidal wave of attacks follows.
Malicious stares...
Malicious words...
Ultimately, it escalated into a malicious act...
Those who passionately dislike teenagers may not know exactly what kind of person they hate.
Because once you start to get to know someone, you will constantly reshape your original understanding and add new impressions.
Feelings about a particular person are always complex, making it difficult to completely like or dislike them.
So, that's fine. It saves us the effort of thinking and understanding, allowing us to project our long-accumulated resentment onto a pre-set target.
One exam after another, physical education classes that never happen, recess breaks that are taken up, harsh teachers who abuse their power, and arrogant parents who only offer unsolicited advice...
What? You're saying all this has anything to do with that guy named Yu Qingzhou—hmm, I think that's the name—and him?
Of course not.
But frankly, what does that have to do with me?
—Yeah, so what does it matter?
As a result, Yu Qingzhou naturally encountered school bullying.
For such a simple and brutal reason, I was shoved, locked in an old equipment room, and brutally punched in the abdomen and other parts of my body by fists wrapped in my clothes...
Four or five years later, Yu Qingzhou, now a teenager, is once again trapped in the nightmare of being hung from a tree and brutally beaten because of his failed escape attempt.
You see, there's no need to experience death at all; people can remain trapped in their own cycle of reincarnation, endlessly repeating the same cycle...
Once again, Yu Qingzhou pressed her aching abdomen and struggled to her feet.
The pain wasn't limited to his abdomen, but the boy only had two hands.
The school bell had already rung, but Yu Qingzhou wasn't in a hurry. His destination was the infirmary, which was in the opposite direction from the teaching building.
On the same path, he met the girl again.
The latter was holding a thermos and a little bee, which seemed to belong to their English teacher.
When the girl saw Yu Qingzhou, she immediately stopped and looked at him with concern. In addition, there was something complicated in her eyes, like hesitation... or like a hidden expectation.
As Yu Qingzhou walked straight ahead with a slightly hunched back and her eyes fixed straight ahead, just as they were about to pass each other, the girl called out to her.
[Student Yu.]
Yu Qingzhou stopped and turned around, silently questioning with her eyes.
"Um, if you need help, I can—"
【unnecessary. 】
The three simple and bland words seemed to be meant to keep people at arm's length.
The girl's eyes flickered, and she silently shut her mouth, perhaps recalling the less-than-pleasant scene of their last parting. She looked genuinely hurt.
After a brief silence, Yu Qingzhou spoke first: "Old Chu is still waiting for you to report back, isn't he?"
Old Chu is their English teacher.
Reminded by Yu Qingzhou, the girl seemed to snap out of a daze, glanced at the things she was holding, and hesitated before saying, "Why don't you wait for me here—"
She paused, as if making up her mind, and quickly said, "Or, I can go to the infirmary with you first; it's still possible."
Faced with the girl's earnest suggestion, Yu Qingzhou remained silent, simply looking at her.
It really is so similar... that innocent look, just like my mother back then.
But in the end, they are still different.
If, for Yu Rou, he was an inescapable, karmic entanglement ingrained in her very being, a fleeting lifeline in a turbulent river.
Unable to break free, they are forced to fabricate illusions of love amidst hatred, to deceive themselves and pretend that life is not just about suffering.
Ironically, Yu Rou's unavoidable choice turned out to be Yu Qingzhou's stroke of luck amidst misfortune.
Otherwise... who in this world would love him?
This despicable monster with filthy blood is so disgusted with himself that how can he expect others to love and cherish him with pure and innocent affection?
—Not to mention the frail and innocent girl in front of me.
I told you, I don't need your help, so hurry up and leave.
[...]
【Why are you still standing there like an idiot? Can't you understand human language? I've already said I don't need help. Just mind your own business. I won't gloat behind your back, and you don't need to worry about it. That's enough.】
Yu Qingzhou maliciously quoted the words that the girl's friend had previously used to attack him.
Is this a form of disguised revenge?
Even though it wasn't the girl herself who uttered those words, Yu Qingzhou had no room for further thought.
Rather than explaining, it's better to go with the flow and let the other person believe that he is such a nasty and vengeful person.
After all, this was an indisputable fact.
After finishing her speech with some difficulty, Yu Qingzhou stopped paying attention to the girl's pale face and her pitiful, swaying appearance, and walked straight toward her destination.
From afar, he seemed to hear the other person apologizing, which sounded almost like a sob.
I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry...
Why apologize?
Yu Qingzhou was still puzzled, even though it was clearly not the girl's fault.
But, just as I told the other party before... that's enough.
There is no need for them to have any further interaction.
I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore, and I have no confidence in taking on the responsibility for anyone else.
Finally, Yu Qingzhou lay down on the narrow bed in the infirmary, slowly breathing in the air mixed with the smell of disinfectant in the small space separated by a white bed curtain.
A gentle breeze rustled the leaves through the open window, carrying a faint fragrance of plants.
Even though he was outside, he felt more relaxed there than at his so-called "home".
And so, overwhelmed by a wave of drowsiness, Yu Qingzhou wearily closed her eyes...
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