Chapter 23 Does my happiness or unhappiness really matter to you?
Actually, given the distance between us at that time—
With Li Xiao's cloak obstructing my view, it was still relatively easy to see the black-clad youth's face clearly.
To say that one can clearly discern the shape and pattern of a small sword tassel hanging on a scabbard is an exaggeration.
So rather than seeing it, I had a strong premonition.
At that moment, my eyes trembled, my heart pounded, and my whole body shuddered slightly uncontrollably.
The feeling was very similar to fear, but it also contained a hint of anticipation.
It seems like countless times in my dreams, in the brief moments before falling from the high platform, I stand near the edge of the abyss, peering down and feeling the whistling wind below, gradually swallowing my consciousness and removing all the chains that have bound my hands and feet for so long.
Take one more step forward, jump down, and that will be the end of it all.
And... the long-awaited liberation.
In my dream, I had such feelings, and willingly closed my eyes, leaping off a high place without hesitation—at least for that moment, I think I must have been happy.
Unfortunately, as someone who has entered the same dream countless times...
I already knew the ending beforehand; it never ended. What awaited the me in my dream was only an endless descent into darkness and silence...
I will wake up, and when I enter the dream again, everything will return to the starting point.
—There was only one exception.
That time, I almost succeeded in my dream.
By then, I had reached the fourteenth level of hell, the final resting place of those who died unjustly. There was nothing there, only silence and emptiness, and I was immersed in it, about to become part of that emptiness.
But then I heard an incredible sound.
It was a series of dull, persistent knocks on the door.
The sound piqued my curiosity, each note resonating with my shattered heart, creating a buzzing sensation within my torn chest.
Just to catch a glimpse of the figure behind the door, in my dream, tangled, crimson flesh and blood regenerated, hands and feet glued together with skin and flesh, shattered eyeballs in empty eye sockets, and a broken throat that could not speak yet yearned to ask questions...
--Who are you?
I have a question.
Why come to this place, and why keep knocking on the door in front of you?
In my dream, I was so curious that I didn't care about anything else and leaned forward to push the door open.
The door opened.
However, that dream came to an abrupt end there.
In the end, I didn't see the person knocking on the door in my dream, and I wasn't even sure if the person outside the door was a person at all.
Sometimes I wonder, what if... there hadn't been a knock at the door, or what if I had heard the sound but pretended not to notice and continued to sink into the darkness of the void?
Is it possible that I will no longer repeatedly relive the scene of falling from the high platform?
Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to verify my hypothesis yet.
Moreover, I have a premonition that even if it happens a few more times, the version of myself in the dream will still be drawn to the sounds outside the door, willingly giving up the peace that is so close at hand, just to satisfy that last and first bit of curiosity.
It's like an inescapable fate, and also like an endless cycle of reincarnation.
Although I was curious about the truth outside the door, once I woke up from the dream, that intense desire vanished like the tide.
It seems that there is always a clear boundary between reality and dreams.
I can understand the feelings of the person in my dream and be aware of what they see and hear in the dream, but in the end, it is just something borrowed, and it should be returned in full when the time comes.
The more I dream, the more I feel that the me in my dreams and the real me are actually two completely different people.
The village where I was born, along with the surrounding villages, is a landscape of interspersed rice paddies and lakes, with low-lying hills visible in the distance.
Even the highest mountain peak didn't seem as high as the platform I jumped off in my dream.
Not to mention, although I couldn't see my full appearance in the dream, I could guess that I was probably an adult man.
Judging from the length of my hands and arms, and the height at which I can look straight ahead when I'm standing, I can tell that the person in my dream is not me, at least not the person I am now.
As I grow up year by year, from a toddler learning to walk to this half-grown child, subtle changes are happening every day.
But the version of myself in my dreams, no matter how much time has passed, hasn't improved at all.
I sometimes get annoyed by this, because the dream serves no other purpose than to make me experience that terrible feeling of weightlessness continuously and to deeply imprint the fear of heights into my bones.
Even though I might have such thoughts when I'm awake, when I fall into a dream again, I can't help but become completely immersed in it.
—They forgot the separation between us, and they forgot that I should have just seen myself as a detached bystander.
Although I am unwilling, I really cannot control whether I dream or not, let alone what the dream itself will contain.
As the saying goes, what you think about during the day, you dream about at night.
But what I dreamed about were things that never happened in the real world, including the environment in which they happened, which had never actually existed in my memory.
While I was puzzled by this, I also felt a sense of relief.
Because this at least shows that the boundary I believe exists between dreams and reality is indeed unbreakable.
No matter how many times I fall into that terrible dream, I can always pull myself out the moment I wake up.
In that case, I will still be myself.
Weak, ordinary, inconspicuous, yet living so genuinely in this world, as a mother's child, as myself.
But... at that moment, that boy suddenly appeared before my eyes.
She was dressed and accessorized exactly like in her dream.
Even the red plum blossom that landed on the tip of the sword appeared before my eyes in a different way, so cleverly and reasonably.
How could this not stir up a storm in my heart?
The faint sound of a smiling "Junior Brother" still echoed in my ears, but the girl who was as handsome as a young man had transformed into a very beautiful and unfamiliar young man in front of me.
Was I unwittingly stumbling into a daydream, or... or have I always been a dreamer who believes I'm awake when I wake up?
Thump, thump, thump—
A vivid, drum-like heartbeat echoed in my mind.
It is the sound of my heartbeat right now, and it is also the sound I heard in my dream in front of that door.
In our dream, we were drawn by the same sound and looked towards the door at the same time. We pressed our bodies, which were gradually regaining sensation in our pain, against the door and pushed outwards with all our might, hoping to see the person outside...
But what actually came into view was a hazy, dark red color.
The red filled the entire space outside so tightly that it was dense and dull, and everywhere you looked was the same thick, dark color.
It looked stuffy and enclosed, and from that dark red place, you could vaguely hear the gurgling sound of water, like something soft squeezing, colliding, and sticking together in the river, then separating from each other in some rhythm, and continuing to repeat the process over and over again.
Besides that, there was nothing there, not even the person I wanted to see.
Seeing this, I felt rather disappointed, and belatedly tried to close the door, but an irresistible force roughly dragged me toward that dark red place...
I jolted awake, pulling myself out of the image that had suddenly flashed through my mind.
While I was stunned, a cold hand pressed my head back.
They are neither gentle nor patient.
—Undoubtedly Li Xiao's work.
I snapped out of my reverie and unconsciously inhaled the sweet, pear-like aroma.
The dryness in my throat seemed to be relieved a little.
"I already told you, I'm in a hurry to get back. We can talk about it later." Li Xiao's impatient voice rang out from above.
Then came the steward's fawning voice, smiling obsequiously, repeatedly saying politely from behind, "Young Master Li, please take care."
Li Xiao didn't bother with formalities with the steward. After walking a few steps, he turned back as if he remembered something and called the steward back, asking him to find a reliable doctor.
"doctor?"
The steward seemed quite surprised upon hearing this, his voice filled with tension and concern: "Could it be that Young Master Li, you have something wrong with your body—"
"I'm good in every way," Li Xiao coldly interrupted the other person. "Just go when I tell you to. Why all the nonsense? Do you have a problem with me?"
Since Li Xiao had already put it that way, the manager could only smile awkwardly and say he dared not.
On the way back, Li Xiao walked very fast.
As if ignoring the snow on the ground, or as if deliberately sulking with someone, the boy's every step was tinged with gritted teeth.
Li Xiao walked away happily, oblivious to everything else.
Still nestled in his arms, I was really struggling to keep up with the jostling. I felt like an unwanted rag doll, being grabbed and tossed around like a rag doll being vented on.
I patted Li Xiao's arm, telling him to put me down and walk by himself.
Li Xiao didn't say anything, but he slowed down his pace, which made me feel less miserable than before.
I hesitated for a moment, but couldn't help asking Li Xiao why he was suddenly angry.
Hearing this, Li Xiao paused slightly, but didn't stop. Instead, he asked me, "Which eye of yours saw that I was angry?"
I heard his annoyed voice and thought to myself, isn't that obvious enough?
On the surface, he simply stretched out his arm, held up his index and middle fingers to make a "two" sign in front of the boy's eyes, and then said sincerely, "I can see with both eyes."
"..."
Li Xiao was clearly taken aback. After a pause, he said, "If you don't speak, no one will think you're mute."
I said "Oh," and then lost interest in exploring further. I decided to do as the other person wished and silently shut my mouth and say nothing more.
Suddenly it became quiet, and the crunching sound of shoes on the snow became particularly noticeable, along with the rustling sound of clothing against one's ear.
I thought we would just walk back into the house in silence.
Unexpectedly, after only a short while, Li Xiao suddenly broke the silence by speaking first.
"...Actually, it's nothing. I just felt a little uncomfortable when I saw that person."
Hearing this seemingly random sentence out of the blue, I was immediately filled with questions and naturally blurted out "Ah!"
Upon hearing this, Li Xiao suddenly seemed somewhat embarrassed and angry: "What 'huh'? Didn't you just ask me why I was angry first?!"
I thought for a moment and tried to soften my tone as much as possible to avoid further provoking this young master, lest he lose his temper and throw me out.
Although this kind of thing sounds inhumane, based on my limited understanding of Li Xiao these past few days, he is absolutely capable of doing it.
“Young Master Li, you yourself said that it happened just now. I asked you earlier, but you didn't answer, and you seemed quite impatient. I figured since Young Master Li wasn't willing to talk about it, it wouldn't be good to ask any more questions, lest I make you even more unhappy—”
As I was speaking, Li Xiao suddenly interrupted, "Does my happiness or unhappiness matter to you?"
The sound seemed somewhat muffled.
I couldn't immediately determine what Li Xiao's motivation was for asking that question.
After hesitating for a moment, he nodded and replied, "Of course, people like us are originally meant to amuse you, Young Master Li."
"..."
“If you are unhappy now, Mr. Li, then it is naturally Pipa’s fault. You should punish, scold or beat him however you wish.”
This time, Li Xiao really stood firm.
Just as I was wondering what was going on, Li Xiao spoke up, his tone sounding rather aggressive.
"What are you talking about, calling people like you? Are you implying you're including your young master in your insults?"
I was taken aback, thinking that Li Xiao was probably asking this to stand up for his brother Lan, so I immediately shook my head to deny it.
"Of course not! Young Master Lan is Young Master Lan, and Loquat is Loquat. If Young Master Lan is a white cloud floating in the sky, then Loquat is the soil that can be found everywhere. One is white and the other is black, one is in the sky and the other is on the ground. Besides, as long as Young Master Li is here, who would dare to bully Young Master Lan?"
He seemed to be moved by my few sincere flattering words.
The young man coughed lightly, and his tone seemed to soften: "What you said isn't entirely wrong."
I thought to myself, the young master's cough is getting worse and worse.
But he pressed on while the iron was hot: "So, as the saying goes, sincerity can move mountains. I believe that as long as you, Young Master Li, are willing to continue, Young Master Lan will eventually understand your feelings for him."
I was convinced that Li Xiao would be moved by my encouraging words.
At least after he realized that I, as an observer, had been silently supporting the deep friendship between him and Young Master Lan, he should have felt a little sympathy for each other.
After all, this is a love story destined to be bumpy, so it's always good to have one more person supporting and blessing it.
To my surprise, upon hearing this heartfelt confession, Young Master Li did not feel gratified. Instead, he revealed a flustered expression that defied easy explanation.
"You... what did you just say about me, what did I say about him?!"
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