21. Confession
The majestic, icy silhouette of the Northern Base, like a mythical steel behemoth entrenched at the edge of the earth, grew clearer and more oppressive with each turn of the wheel. The towering gray wall snaked endlessly, isolating a realm redefined by rules and order, ruthlessly dividing heaven and earth. For the survivors of this ordeal, the wall symbolized hope for survival, yet it also exuded an unsettling aura, as cold and unforgiving as a precision instrument.
As the destination neared, the atmosphere within the team, far from relaxing, grew increasingly tense. The uncertainty of the road ahead, like a thin, impenetrable veil of icy fog, enveloped everyone's mind, bringing with it a complex mix of anticipation and hidden anxiety. The scarcity of resources, the pressure of contribution points, and the icy hierarchy within the base all hung like a sword of Damocles over their heads, creating a suffocating feeling for those accustomed to relying on their own strength and teamwork to survive in the vast wasteland.
That night, they camped amidst a cluster of weathered boulders, eroded with countless holes and strange formations. Like silent, ancient guardians, these boulders towered over the wasteland, effectively shielding it from the relentless, gritty, howling winds and providing a relatively sheltered haven for rest. The night watch rotation was the subject of a silent yet intense debate. A Yan, in particular, attempted to forcefully remove Xingchen from the roster, citing his young age and need for growth. This was rejected by Lei Qing, who coldly argued that "everyone must shoulder their responsibilities, regardless of age." The final rotation was: Lei Qing on the first shift, Xingchen on the second, A Yan and Mu Lin jointly in charge of the third. Su Lin, unquestionably ordered by the three, was to rest all night to replenish his previously depleted energy.
The night deepened, like thick ink splattered across a velvet curtain. Only a few sparse stars stubbornly pierced through the dust, casting a faint light. With the exception of Lei Qing, who was on the first night watch and sat on a rock at the camp entrance like a statue blending into the darkness, everyone else had already settled into their simple sleeping bags or on the ground covered with clothes. Even when Ah Yan fell asleep, he subconsciously slumbered very close to Su Lin, one arm even domineeringly draped across the side of Su Lin's sleeping bag, as if marking his territory even in his dreams. Mu Lin slept as quietly and elegantly as ever, his breathing steady, though his brows were slightly furrowed, as if his dreams were not peaceful either.
Not far from Su Lin, Xingchen lay in a sleeping bag. Su Lin had found it and given it to him from the space. Though worn, it was clean and warm. However, his eyes were open, completely devoid of sleep, his pupils dilated in the darkness, reflecting no starlight. He listened to Su Lin's steady, reassuring breathing beside him, while his own heartbeat was like a dense drumbeat, pounding against his chest, threatening to break free from the restraints of his ribs.
The northern base drew closer, signaling the end of this relatively "peaceful" time spent alone with Su Lin. Once inside that crowded, swarming place, with its strict rules and powerful figures, he wondered if he'd have another chance... or, rather, if he'd have the courage to express the emotions he'd suppressed for so long, simmering like magma, threatening to burst forth without a trace.
Those were the only seedlings of love that broke through the ground in his barren and desolate life.
He quietly sat up, his movements as gentle as a feather dropping to the ground, afraid to disturb the brief silence. He glanced at Lei Qing's tall, cold, seemingly tireless figure in the distance, then carefully glanced at A Yan, who still slept with a hint of fierceness, and Mu Lin, whose breathing was steady. He took a deep breath, as if to absorb the faint scent of Su Lin that lingered in the air. Summoning all the courage in his short life, he tiptoed over to Su Lin's sleeping bag.
Su Lin wasn't actually asleep. The alertness he'd developed during the apocalypse had ingrained in him, waking him the moment Stardust approached. He didn't move immediately, simply slowing his breathing and prying his eyes open in the darkness. He saw Stardust crouching beside him, his face etched with an expression of intense tension, yet also a sense of desperate determination. The faint starlight made his eyes stand out clearly.
"Stardust? What's wrong? Are you feeling unwell?" Su Lin asked in a low voice, his voice hoarse from just waking up, thinking that he had an injury or was having a nightmare.
Xingchen shook his head, his fingers nervously scratching the rough edge of the sleeping bag. His voice was very low, but with an uncontrollable trembling and determination: "Brother Su Lin... I... I have something to say to you. Very important words." His eyes were surprisingly bright in the darkness, like two clusters of blue flames burning.
Su Lin was a little confused, but he still supported himself to sit up and made his voice softer with a soothing tone: "You talk, I'm listening." He pulled the coat covering his body, and the chill of the night seeped into his skin.
The camp was silent, its stillness accentuated only by the whimpering sound of the wind filtering through the boulders and the occasional long, mournful howl of an unknown mutant creature in the distance. Xingchen seemed to hear the thrum of his own blood coursing through his veins, the deafening thump of his heart. He raised his head, straining to focus in the hazy darkness, staring directly into Su Lin's eyes, which, even in this light, appeared gentle and clear. The concern in those eyes threatened to crumble his hard-won courage.
"Brother Su Lin..." The boy's clear voice was dry and cracked due to nervousness, as if it had been polished by sandpaper. "From the moment you rescued me from the zombie swarm... my life... is yours."
He paused, swallowed hard, and tried to organize his words, as if every word required a great deal of effort. However, his eyes grew brighter and more persistent, as if he wanted to dissect his soul and show it to the other person:
"I used to think... that the world was rotten, decayed... that living... was just waiting to be eaten one day, or thrown away like garbage... until I met you." His voice gradually became excited, with an almost pious, scorching passion. "You saved me, healed my wounds, gave me food, took me away... and... and believed in me, taught me things, and told me... that I was your companion..."
"You're different from everyone I've ever met..." His voice choked with sobs, but he fought hard to hold back the tears. "You're clean, you're nice... You're so capable, yet you never look down on me, never think I'm a burden... To me, you're the light... the only light that pulled me out of that cold, hopeless hell!"
Su Lin was stunned. He hadn't expected Xingchen to suddenly say such blunt and weighty words. He looked at the boy's thin shoulders trembling slightly in the darkness, and his eyes burning with blazing flames. Alarm bells rang in his heart, realizing that this was no ordinary confession.
"Stardust, I..." He tried to say something to interrupt the situation that was about to get out of control and to guide him in a gentle way.
But Xingchen seemed afraid of being interrupted, afraid that this moment of concentrated courage would be fleeting, afraid that he would not have a second chance. He continued to speak without hesitation, his voice low but unusually clear and powerful, each word like a chisel, hammering at Su Lin's heart:
"Brother Su Lin, I like you! It's not gratitude! It's just love! It's the kind of love a man has for a woman! It's... the kind of love that makes me want to be with you forever!" He finally said the taboo word, his cheeks instantly burning hot, but he still looked at Su Lin stubbornly, refusing to look away, "I want to follow you forever and protect you. As long as I am by your side, I am not afraid of anything! My ability, my life, everything I have is yours! Don't chase me away, and don't... don't like others, okay? I... I will become very strong, stronger than them all! I just want... I just want you to look at me alone..."
The boy's confession was direct and passionate, even tinged with undeniable paranoia and desperate madness. He unreservedly and bloodily laid before Su Lin his heart, unsophisticated yet ripened by the end of the world, filled with attachment, admiration, and budding love. His eyes shone frighteningly bright in the thick night, filled with pure, unmistakable, almost searing love and longing, as well as a hint of humble pleading, fearing rejection.
Su Lin was completely stunned, as if struck by thunder. He looked at the young man before him, whose eyes were blazing, filled with humble pleading yet incredibly stubbornness. A huge wave of emotions suddenly surged in his heart, a mixture of emotions that was difficult to describe.
Was it moving? Yes. It's hard not to be moved by someone who needs and loves you so purely, wholeheartedly, and even with such destructive passion. Especially for a young man who'd experienced such betrayal and despair.
But even more than that, there was a complex heaviness, a sense of helplessness, and a hint of... a hidden worry. This feeling was too intense, too extreme, carrying with it a determination to pin the entire meaning and value of life on him alone, which made him feel unprecedented pressure. He was still too young to understand the boundaries and weight of love. This feeling was more like a twisted emotional dependence and transference that came from grasping at a lifeline in despair.
Furthermore, his heart had long been dominated by the other three figures. Lei Qing's steady, reliable protection, like a rock; A Yan's passionate, direct emotions, like a blazing flame; Mu Lin's gentle, affectionate care, like flowing water; and the even more complex and unspeakable relationship after that chaotic night, and the deep, unspoken bond between them... He couldn't reciprocate Xingchen's equally passionate, yet more fragile and extreme, emotions. He couldn't, and he shouldn't.
Silence stretched between them, like a rising, cold tide, threatening to drown Stardust. The light in his eyes grew increasingly uneasy and dimmed as Su Lin fell silent, like a candle in the wind, ready to go out at any moment. He bit his lower lip so hard he could practically taste blood, his fingers clenched until they turned white, his body trembling with fear and anticipation.
Su Lin sighed deeply, a sigh so heavy it seemed to carry the weight of the apocalypse. His heart softened, filled with pity for this ill-fated young man, yet he had to harden his heart and draw a line. He knew that an ambiguous response, or one born of pity, would only do greater harm to his future and push him deeper into obsession.
He reached out his hand, his movements as gentle as ever, gently rubbing Xingchen's soft yet cold hair. He tried to slow down his voice, speaking with an unmistakable solemnity:
"Xingchen, thank you." He clearly felt the body of the young man under his command tremble violently. "I'm very happy to be trusted and... liked by you like this, really." He chose the word "happy" instead of an equivalent response.
He felt the boy's body stiffen.
"But," Su Lin's tone became clearer and firmer. He stared directly into Xingchen's eyes, which were instantly misted with moisture, not allowing him to escape. "There are many kinds of love. Your feelings for me are perhaps more of dependence and gratitude, an illusion that arises from grasping warmth in despair. You are still young, Xingchen, and you still have a long way to go. You will meet more people and see a wider world. Perhaps you will understand what true love is..."
"No!" Stardust interrupted him anxiously, his eyes turned red instantly, and tears finally burst out uncontrollably. His voice was filled with broken sobs, but extremely stubborn, "I just like you! It's not gratitude! It's not an illusion! I know what love is! I can tell the difference! Just you is enough for me! Others... I don't care about anyone else!" He was like a cub trapped in a trap, wailing in despair.
"Xingchen," Su Lin held down his trembling shoulders and looked directly into his tearful eyes. His gaze was gentle, yet it held an unquestionable, firm determination that set boundaries. "I won't drive you away. I've said before that we're companions. I'll take care of you and protect you as long as I can. But...otherwise, I can't promise you anything right now. My heart...is in turmoil. There are so many things and so many people. I need time to think things through and sort things out. Do you understand?"
He didn't refuse directly, but the sense of distance in his words, the expressions of "I can't make a promise" and "I'm very confused", have clearly conveyed his attitude and current situation.
The light in Xingchen's eyes dimmed completely, like a candle flame blown out by a strong wind, leaving only a cold ember. He lowered his head, his shoulders slumped, and he was completely enveloped by a huge, abyssal loss and despair. But he didn't cry or argue. He just bit his lower lip, which was already bleeding, and nodded. His voice was barely audible, with a numbness that came from heartbreak.
"...I understand, Brother Su Lin."
He understood. Su Lin's heart already held someone else. Those three powerful, tacitly connected men, with whom he shared a deep bond, were the center of his world, a solid fortress he could neither shake nor intrude upon. And he, perhaps, would always be nothing more than a "companion" in need of care, an... insignificant latecomer.
The love that had first blossomed in the boy's heart, the love he had poured his entire life into, had not yet fully blossomed before it was already bitter and hopeless in the face of the cold reality and established constraints. The blazing flame was doused by a basin of cold water, leaving only the burning pain and biting cold.
He stood up silently, his movements as stiff as a puppet. Without looking at Su Lin again, he lowered his head and walked heavily back to his sleeping bag, step by step. He curled up and lay down, his back facing Su Lin, burying himself in the shadows. His shoulder twitched almost imperceptibly, and then there was no sound, as if even breathing had died with him.
Su Lin looked at the thin figure, whose face was filled with despair. He felt a pang of pain in his heart, as if something was blocking his way. But he knew it was a necessary pain. A short pain is better than a long one.
He slumped back into his sleeping bag, but sleep was no longer an option. He stared open-eyed at the inky blue night sky, its shapeless shapes carved by the boulders. The moonlight was cold and clear, and the tent was silent, filled only by the sound of the wind and the faint howling of distant animals. In the distance, Lei Qing's figure remained as tall as a mountain, seemingly unaware that a brief, yet transformative, storm of emotions had just ended in the shadows behind him.
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