I'm probably crazy, but I might not be.
Well, I don't think I'm crazy overall.
Don't be scared yet, let me finish.
As you all know, I've discussed the recent situation extensively in my author's notes and reader groups.
The data for this book is so bad that it's beyond saving.
This book has always had a tragic fate.
It flopped miserably in the second round of reviews for the new book, and then for a long five months after it was released, it only received two of the worst-rated recommendations.
Released in May, it went from a few hundred subscriptions to an average of over 1,100 subscriptions per day, and I've been sticking with it.
However, given the current trend, this book, which has reached one million words, may not receive any new recommendations in the future.
If you wanted to cut this book, you could have done so when it failed to get recommended as a new book and went under; at that time, it only had a few hundred thousand words.
But I still want to persevere, because I don't want to be a eunuch.
However, I'm finding it hard to hold on any longer.
Or rather, I should change my approach.
I must admit that I've been somewhat anxious lately, or rather, extremely anxious.
Lately, I've been looking at the data more than two to three times per hour, staring at the data that has absolutely no fluctuations.
I kept staring at those pitiful numbers, looking at them, and then feeling miserable.
Ugh...
Not only was my mental state affected, but at its worst, my physical health was also in very poor condition.
For a long time, probably the last three months, I haven't been able to fall asleep until 2 a.m., and then I get up to go to work around 7 a.m.
very tired.
I'm really tired.
Actually, I know that my physical and mental health are not quite right.
I'm so numb that I can't write any more drafts.
During the day, I'm busy with work and don't go back to my apartment for lunch. Instead, I use my lunch break to start writing, and I spend the entire afternoon writing.
I used to be able to consistently update 6,000 words a day, and even 8,000 words on weekends, but I can't do that anymore.
I haven't received any positive feedback from the data, and I must admit that I have indeed been severely affected.
The most obvious result is that I can only write four thousand words a day, and I can't write any more than that.
After writing four thousand words, my mind was completely blank, I felt numb, and I had no interest in anything else.
To focus on writing, I almost never socialize with my colleagues. They play mahjong, Three Kingdoms Kill, Werewolf, go clubbing, flirting with girls and drinking... I don't participate in any of those things.
I might be interested in going out for a meal, because that doesn't take up much time, and it gives me time to write...
But in reality, I can't type any words.
Even on weekends, I lock myself in my room for two days and spend a whole day writing only 4,000 words a day.
This seems a bit different from before. I clearly enjoy writing books, and although I also want to make money, my passion still outweighs any other motivation.
I seem to be trapped in a vicious cycle, a disgusting loop that keeps swallowing me up.
So, under such pressure, I made my choice.
Open for business!
I'm going to start deceiving myself!
Friends, I'm not looking at the data anymore!
I talked to many kind and respected elders and realized that my anxiety was actually meaningless; looking at data only made my blood pressure explode.
They might not even check the data once a month, so my frequency is really abnormal.
Therefore, I plan to stop looking at data for a long time and start focusing on writing.
I'm going to start writing again, just like before, trying to find that happy feeling I used to have.
I seem to have always been unlucky, as if I can never escape this tragic fate.
But it doesn't matter anymore, I won't admit defeat.
We don't care about grades or results.
Let us launch a grand charge against the inevitable death!
...
...
Finally, let me emphasize this again!
It's impossible for me to become a eunuch; I will never become a eunuch in my life.
The previous book went from not making any money at 600,000 words to 1.1 million words through sheer self-indulgence and stubbornness. This one will probably be similar.
Even if it means speeding up the plot, I still want to finish telling the story.
A story has a beginning, and it should have an end.
Regardless of how it ends, it deserves a proper conclusion!
While absolutely not abandoning the project, I will strive to avoid a poor ending. Of course, this requires not only perseverance but also my ability.
I just hope I won't let myself or everyone else down.
This is an explanation to you, and even more so to myself.
...
...
The company held a six-hour National Day-themed discussion meeting starting at 8 a.m. today, and then we were forced to go out for a team-building dinner at 6 p.m., so I definitely won't be able to write anything today.
Therefore, I am taking the day off today.
I'll try my best to update more tomorrow, hoping to make up for the extra chapters I owe to the patrons during this period.
Finally, I wish everyone a happy National Day holiday!
May our motherland prosper and flourish!
...
...
P.S. 1: We don't get a single day off for National Day... We'll be working as usual on Monday.
PS 2: Regarding sleep, I've been adjusting well recently. I've been taking melatonin and tranquilizers, and for the past week I've been able to fall asleep around 10:30 pm. I feel better overall lately.
PS 3: I will be able to go back to China for vacation at the end of October. The exact time is uncertain, but I will finally be able to come back and rest.
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