Chapter 38
Of course, my hobby is not to encourage people to commit suicide. I just want to know more people's views on suicide.
Because of Dazai Osamu, I started to think that suicide was as natural as adding salt to rice, but I knew it was wrong.
This is life. Cherishing it is something that is engraved in everyone's DNA, right?
After all, it is still very rude to encourage someone to commit suicide. But in Mafia, I can ask more questions.
Mafia members seem to be the most fearless people in the world. They are always ready to lose their lives. Mafia members also seem to be the most cherishing people in the world. In countless moments of death, the only thing that supports them is "I can't die yet."
Diving into water, committing suicide? I have never tried any of these. I think this is the biggest difference between me and Dazai Osamu.
His frequent suicides seemed to be expressing his dissatisfaction with the world, which naturally included me.
He is detached from the world, and everything seems to have nothing to do with him. Everything can be abandoned by him, so everything in the world is unfair to him, because the emotions invested in each other are completely unequal.
Mr. Mori did not trust him and his subordinates were afraid of him for exactly this reason, because he could abandon them at any time and turn around and leave, and no one dared to invest too much emotion in him.
Everyone is taking good care of themselves, and there is nothing wrong with that, because we love ourselves far more than we love others.
I am just an ordinary person among the vast crowd. Until the time comes, no one knows what choice they will make.
We can clearly see our own ugliness. We are far from being as noble as we think. But we can also shine with a little light like the most ordinary people.
Some people sometimes do flash a light that is painful to the naked eye.
I carefully guarded my feelings, and my brother also kept his sensitivity and vulnerability to himself. I, on the other hand, was naive, so I was cautious in testing the waters.
*
He gently pushed the bowl forward, and I knew it was not to his liking.
It’s nothing. My cooking skills are not good enough. When I was cooking the crabs, I remembered that I forgot to write the report, so I added an extra spoonful of salt... Although I added water at the end, the taste was already ruined.
I quickly put away the dishes and said, "It's nothing. I've long felt that this might not suit your taste. I've reserved a table outside and it's just the right time to go over."
"But your bet is to cook the crabs for me yourself." He watched my movements, motionless.
The shadows cast by the light made his eyes appear dark, which was a bit scary as others said.
I looked up at him through his growing bangs. We both had blank expressions. He looked at the bowl I took away, and I looked at him.
“It tastes better outside.”
"I don't want to go out. I'd rather eat what you cook today."
Rong always compromises easily, especially in front of him. Although Rong seems to be the dominant one most of the time, Dazai Osamu understands that as long as he shows a little weakness, Rong will easily agree to his request.
Although he sometimes felt guilty about this, he would quickly justify himself: They are brother and sister! And he is also very good to Rong!
But he also didn't like Rong's attitude, this frustration, this anger. Why didn't he just tell him directly? Would he get angry because of Rong's rebuttal?
I put the bowl heavily on the table. "Eat if you want, or forget it if you don't want to... Even if you don't want to eat, wash the bowl. I haven't finished my work over there, so I won't be back today."
I left.
*
I lay over my desk, working on the pile of documents that always piled high on my desk, and before I knew it I had been writing until dawn.
I finally felt tired all over, but my mind was still very clear, so I asked them to move the other files up and told them not to let Dazai Osamu in.
"Reason? Nothing special. You just need to tell him that if he insists on coming in, just wait for me to ignore him for the rest of my life... By the way, let Sato Ono take on a few more tasks recently, so that he can have a long vacation."
It's fine for someone else to handle these documents, but most of them contain missions in which I participated, and it's only natural that I know the names of undercover agents and the forces behind them best, so it's most normal for me to handle these.
But it seemed a bit too much to ask a child to handle all this, because after the last accusation, Mr. Mori did not force me to write.
I was happy and relaxed, so I wrote a couple of sheets whenever I had time, just for fun.
But the tasks are piling up and they have to be dealt with. The people under me complain all day long when dealing with these tasks, which makes me afraid to appear in front of them, otherwise I can only bear the pain and write at my desk.
I wish I could just keep my head down and work hard, but my hands just don't have the strength to move. I put my head on the table and threw my pen aside.
I actually have no idea why I was like this, because I am not the kind of person who would get angry for no reason over such a small thing.
It is normal in the world to work hard for a long time but not get the desired result. I think I understood this truth earlier than my peers, and it is not surprising that Dazai Osamu would not eat it because of his picky appetite.
But I feel that I am still angry now, and the reason is not clear yet, but I feel that as long as I am given some time to calm down, I will be able to get along peacefully with Dazai Osamu again.
Of course, because it's totally unlike me to get angry over such a small matter, so I was extra confident that I could calm myself down in the end.
It's just that I worked all night and I feel tired all over. My stomach also feels empty and achy.
However, the hungrier I was, the more tired I felt, and the less I wanted to eat. But at the same time, my mind was strangely clear. I couldn't think of anything, but I was undoubtedly awake.
It was daybreak, the sunlight hurt my eyes, I drew the curtains, but was annoyed at not being able to see anything, so I turned on the small desk lamp.
Because I am now possibly awake, I can see again the small particles in the air slowly falling under the desk lamp. They are like time, slowly falling on my messy desk.
——It should be a quiet and beautiful picture.
I am not afraid of death, what I am afraid of is losing, because I can't get something that will definitely appear in the future and make me happy at all times.
For example, the food I eat when I’m hungry, the cute furry little ones, and even though I’m not sure if I can get them, I can really see the love others have for me…
Maybe other people's love is not important to me, I only expect the love of those who are important to me.
Yes, because I am a child who has something to desire and hope to obtain, so I am not willing to die easily. In this respect, I am similar to him but also different.
*
"Hey, Ango." Ango Sakaguchi, the capable newcomer that Mr. Mori mentioned last time, has super high work efficiency.
He clipped his bangs up and wore a pair of round-framed glasses. The most eye-catching thing was the mole at the corner of his mouth. Although he looked old-fashioned and capable, this mole immediately made him look charming, no, smart.
The other party pushed up his glasses and said, "Excuse me, you should go and have a rest." Because my current official position is higher than his, he used honorifics when addressing me.
“No, Ango, you poor bastard, why did they push you out again? From last night till now, the person who told me to rest was you.”
I saw his eyebrows twitching, and he pressed his eyebrows for a long time before saying to me
"Do you need me to tell you the normal schedule for your child?"
Yes, counting the number of times, this is the fifth time he has asked me to take a break. I feel a little surprised.
"Do they care about me so much? This is the fifth time. Even you, Ango, are bothered by this. I thought they would be happy that I am so diligent..."
"That just means you are popular."
"Don't call me 'you', 'you', I'm not used to that. Just call me Rong. Everyone from Mr. Mori to Ono calls me that. Only newbies who don't know any better would call me 'you'."
Ango breathed a sigh of relief, perhaps because it was a bit embarrassing to call someone who was six years younger than him "you".
"By the way, Ango, do you know why I am your superior?"
My face was stiff, and I stretched lazily and leaned back in the chair.
"It is said that he found 50 undercover agents in one month, and that he and your brother, Dazai Osamu, were conducting interrogation training under Ozaki Kouyo at the same time, and that the intelligence he obtained was enough to fill a warehouse."
After hesitating for a while, he told his information.
I couldn't help but yawn, of course not because what he said was boring, but because I was really sleepy.
"Your information is very accurate. And I'm glad you didn't guess it was Mr. Mori.
Mr. Mori is not a philanthropist. He brought my brother and me into the Mafia, but that doesn’t mean he will let me and my brother sit back and reap the benefits. If we don’t work hard, we will be ruthlessly abandoned, right? "
"Oh, come to think of it, the reason I was able to catch so many undercover agents was entirely because of my special ability - I can understand the language of the wind. Although it sounds insignificant at first glance, I have unknowingly developed it into a remarkable ability."
"Are you nervous?" I tilted my head to look at him and found that his face looked normal and there was some reflection in his glasses. I sighed because I didn't see that he looked nervous.
"The wind is like a child with low intelligence. It likes to talk about everything, but its words are never accurate. In order to sort out the information it gives me, I usually have to spend a long time and a lot of energy."
"To put it simply, I found the undercover agent by luck. Fortunately, my luck has always been good. Don't get me wrong, not only do I not eat people, but I also think I am a good-looking kid."
"Although I have been learning interrogation from Sister Hongye, I still blurt it out after that. Ango is so powerful. Even if I am an undercover agent, I will do my best to protect you.
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