Chapter 50
I was a very stupid child.
If no one gave me instructions and told me clearly what to do, I might not be able to take any action at all.
Although most of the time I don’t know the significance of such actions, other people’s instructions to me make me feel that there is a possibility of making this boring world interesting.
It’s so boring, I thought as I watched the crawling ants; it’s so boring, I thought as I watched people’s unchanging daily lives; it’s so boring, I thought as I watched the slowly floating clouds in the sky.
I observed so many things, and nothing was different. Why do people have to eat three times a day? Oh, to avoid being hungry. Why do people always rush around? What are they thinking about when they walk around in front of me? What is the purpose of such behavior?
To live.
...boring.
People all over the world push themselves through life just to live, but they generally don't know why they are living.
To stay alive is a very common and boring reason.
Someone gave me instructions: come and help or step aside and don't make trouble.
I looked around and found that I was the only child here, so I thought: Maybe someone my age might have the answer or something interesting.
So I went to look for them, and sometimes I would find them playing games, house, mud, hide-and-seek…
Sometimes no child can be found.
I went back to the adults and asked them what their actions meant, and they answered me
“You’ll understand when you grow up.”
“It’s to cook for others.”
Why cook for others?
“This is my job.”
Why do we need to work?
"This kid, ha, how should I know." Or he would remain silent for a while, and then push me away as if he disliked my being a nuisance.
Why can't there be a world without work? Why can't we just work to support ourselves?
Well, if you don’t understand, just join in. If you do the same thing more often, maybe you will understand it.
Then I helped them and they praised me for being well-behaved, and I was happy, but I hated this meaningless work, so I walked away.
They said I was pretending.
"People in the Tsushima family don't have to work anyway, right?"
“It’s really enviable.”
…
I was six years old at that time.
*
Now I still don't know why I am alive and what the meaning is, but as long as it is a task given to me by my brother or Mr. Mori, I will try my best to complete it.
"Mr. Lan Tang." I said to him seriously, "If you don't like me, please don't hurt me."
He was stunned and I avoided his gaze.
"I've wanted to say this for a long time, Lan Tang. Humans have countless reasons to want to live, but there are very few people who can't even find a single reason. For ordinary people, it's good enough to go home and have a hot meal and a friend to drink with.
Although our lives are worthless and our existence is worthless to you, we also feel pain, so...
You have to act quickly to avoid causing us too much pain."
He smiled. “Ah, I see.”
*
No one is inherently worthy of being loved.
A few days ago, Dazai Osamu gave me a few cans filled with some white powder. I'm not sure what they are used for, but since he gave them to me, I asked someone to put them away.
I took Lan Tang to the cake shop we had been to before, and met Wei Lan, who we had made an appointment with, and Nakahara Chuuya, who we hadn’t expected.
"Hey, you bastard! How can someone ask a stranger to call him brother right away?"
"Hey, if you treat me so rudely, I'll be sad. We are the most unbreakable brothers in the world."
Verlaine rested his chin on his hand and spoke helplessly.
"I don't even know you! How can we be brothers? Besides, we don't look the same!"
Nakahara Chuuya slammed the table in frustration and rage.
Verlaine noticed us and his face immediately darkened, as if a "Why are you here?" was written all over his face.
Lan Tang said nothing, and even turned his head away as if feeling guilty.
Nakahara Chuuya noticed something from Weilan's reaction, frowned when he saw me, and quickly walked up to me and pulled me aside.
"Why did you bring Lan Tang here? Wasn't he not allowed to come out by the boss?"
"This..." I looked up and pretended to think for a while, then suddenly realized, "Oh, I forgot."
"Forgot?! How could you forget that?"
"hey-hey."
He sulked for a while, tapping the ground with his toes, and glanced irritably at the two people next to him who had a strange atmosphere.
"Leave first. I feel that this person is very dangerous. I may not be able to defeat him."
He was rarely hesitant.
"How did you get here?" I asked him.
"It was that bastard Dazai Osamu. He sent me a message earlier and asked me to wait here. I ended up meeting this guy."
How pitiful, Chuuya, how pitiful, being used as a gun.
"What kind of look is that?"
"Nothing, I just suddenly realized how badly you were bullied by Dazai Osamu, Chuuya. You must have worked so hard."
…
"How could you still be here... After all, the Transcendents of the past must have had some life-saving skills that others didn't know about. It was my fault that I didn't send you to hell cleanly and quickly."
Verlaine stood up and put on his hat, as if meeting Rimbaud here was a very unpleasant thing.
Rimbaud subconsciously reached out his hand and tried to keep him, but then he realized he had no excuse to do so. "That..."
Verlaine paused, raised his eyes, and glanced at Rimbaud without any emotion, as if to say, "What's the matter?"
This look was like treating a stranger, a treatment that Rimbaud had never experienced before. This time he was really stunned.
Seeing that Rimbaud had not said anything for a long time, Verlaine pressed his hat, as if that was not enough, and straightened his collar, and finally walked towards the door impatiently.
The people of Yokohama seemed to have some instinct to seek profit and avoid harm, and not many people left during the confrontation between Nakahara Chuuya and Wei Lain.
Seeing that Verlaine was about to leave, Rimbaud looked as if he couldn't be persuaded to stay, and Nakahara Chuuya looked at a loss, I could only act as an emotionless retention machine.
"Mr. Verlaine."
He stopped quickly and looked at me, Rimbaud and Nakahara Chuuya in confusion.
Wake up, Chuuya! You are the one who should take action here, not me! Don't make things difficult for a socially anxious person who easily says the wrong thing in front of others!
And Mr. Lan Tang, you are old enough and should not let children worry about your love life!
My eyes were blank and I once again felt that this world was not worth living.
Verlaine became impatient when he saw that I had not responded yet. He frowned, as if he was considering whether to break the contract and let me die first.
I thanked him but was very moved to decline.
"Ahahaha, that, that, Mr. Verlaine has very skillful hands. Did you braid your hair yourself? It's nothing like me. I haven't been able to learn how to braid my hair since I was a child."
Help, what the hell am I talking about!
The whole person turned into a grayish-white draft.
Verlaine glanced at Rimbaud from the corner of his eye, as if he didn't want to look at him any longer. "That guy taught me this. After all, he has long hair himself and is very familiar with this kind of thing."
Lan Tang also reminisced and said, "Ah... that's true. I was the one who taught Wei Erlan many things personally." There was a hint of nostalgia in his voice.
I don’t know where he went wrong again, or maybe Verlaine simply hated Rimbaud, because after Rimbaud finished speaking, Verlaine made a very obvious “tut” sound.
This sound seemed to break the courage that Rimbaud had finally gathered up, and he immediately fell silent.
Nakahara Chuuya couldn't stand this weird atmosphere and wanted to say something to ease the tension, but I spoke first.
"Mr. Lan Tang misses you very much. He said he is very sorry for you and wants to come and apologize to you today."
Facing Lan Tang's cold gaze, I was not afraid at all.
It was Weilun who spoke before Landon, "I can't bear his apology. Besides, he has nothing to apologize for."
Lan Tang struggled to take a step forward, but he was unable to speak because Wei Erlan didn't look at him.
I sighed inwardly, feeling that I had done a terrible job. "He seemed to think that it was his fault that he failed to make you happy."
Staring at the double "murderous gaze", I remained expressionless.
This expressionless face does not mean that I am calm inside, because no matter how I wail, scream, or go crazy inside, I just succeed in keeping a stable expression on my face.
Since I was silent again, Verlaine could only look at Rimbaud with an inquiring look in his eyes.
From where I was standing, I could see Lan Tang clench his hands behind his back into fists and pinch his index finger, and then he said "Ah" to Wei Erlan in an inaudible voice.
"Rambo, speak up. Don't think you can just let a little girl come and speak for you. I want you to apologize to me in person. Do you think the problem between us can be solved so easily?"
"I don't think she can apologize on my behalf, I just, just..." I just don't know how to apologize to you, for those days that have passed, for those things I have done to let you down...how should I apologize to you?
"Hey, Rimbaud, you are still as arrogant as before. It's so hard to get a simple apology from you, or do you always think I'm funny and can be ordered around like a little clown?
Yes, after all, I am just a nobody, so it is normal for me to have this kind of mentality. After all, you are one of the most outstanding transcendents in France."
"No, I never thought about it that way. Listen to me, Verlaine. I'm sorry that I gave you the wrong idea before."
He pursed his lips and made up his mind.
"You are you, Verlaine. You have always been yourself, the most brilliant, the most dazzling, and the warmest you."
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