Chapter 9
The maid didn't find it strange that she didn't get my answer.
I have always been like this. I won’t answer questions I don’t want to answer.
She was surprised when she first started taking care of me, but now she has gradually gotten used to it. She didn't look up at me and didn't notice the strange expression on my face, which somewhat avoided my embarrassment. I think I need to thank her.
The Tsushima family was a large one. My father alone had three brothers and one sister.
He has four biological children, including me. I also have two sisters and one brother.
The eldest sister is old enough to leave the family turf, but she also looks the most indifferent and tired person in the whole family.
The second sister was like a firecracker. Except for her father, everyone in the family, including her mother, had quarreled with her, but the Tsushima family was like a pot of rotten soup, and it was easy for the second sister's temper to be covered up like all other similar things in the family.
For some reason her family tolerated her behavior, but this only made her even angrier.
The third brother always tries to curry favor with others by deliberately making funny moves to make everyone laugh - he seems to be very proud of this for a long time.
I like to stay aside quietly and observe the ugliness of everyone in the family, including myself, with a critical eye.
Even Shuji Tsushima often makes similar moves to San Ge.
I really doubt that all boys at this age will be like this, just like girls at this age will also be childish and ridiculous, thinking they are beautiful and lifting their skirts to show off themselves.
Everyone is disgusting, including myself. My self-righteous scrutiny and criticism are just the result of my pride and arrogance.
Don’t use “young age” to comfort me. Everything I did was out of my own subjective will and out of my incompatibility with other people.
ridiculous.
Shouldn't a lowly person like me stay in this trash can decorated as a vase in the Tsushima family?
I should be like everyone else, rotting and stinking in this place, like a rotten salt fish, with my eyes wide open, covered in mud, and rejected by all kinds of things.
But Tsushima Shuji tried to take me away, even though we both knew how ugly we were.
I don't know him, but I know he knows how ridiculous he is, and he knows how ridiculous I am, just as I know it too.
I could understand his desire to leave, but I couldn't understand how he had the courage to do such a thing, or why he would want to take me with him.
Is it his suffocating compassion?
He is a coward who is even more cowardly than me. He hides himself in the crowd with a smile, but I just hope that the crowd will forget me, just like a corner of an old photo, which is worn away and disappears - I at least want to show my obvious differences.
*
I quickly found Tsushima Shuji because his suicide was unfortunately seen by a servant, and almost half of the people in the house were attracted to him.
This time, he found several boxes of sleeping pills from somewhere and swallowed them all in one breath. He was seen while swallowing the pills.
Now he was being forced to vomit by the servant. I don't know whether the redness on his face was due to discomfort or shame.
Oh, although Tsushima Shuji looks fair and tender, his head has now turned into a deep red color like a tomato, which is not cute at all. Coupled with the pain of vomiting, his expression is very evil.
I hid aside, and about two hours later, Tsushima Shuji sent away the last servant who was guarding him.
I came out from the corner and looked at him without saying a word.
He told me yesterday that he was leaving, and today he started to get scared. He even felt that it would be easier to just end it all than to take me away from home.
He rubbed his cheeks embarrassedly - wouldn't you be embarrassed too?
But he quickly calmed down and said, "Actually, this is also part of the plan." - I don't believe it
Shuji Tsushima is just running away. He is a coward and he is afraid.
He is still a child now, but I think he is very powerful just because he can say "take me away".
This is the Tsushima family, the largest family here. Even government officials have to give some face to the Tsushima family when they are here.
Thinking of this, I can't blame Tsushima Shuji, but I've already been waiting here for two hours.
In order to make my trip more valuable, I decided to speak up and show some concern for him.
"It's a pity he didn't die."
Sleeping pills are expensive, and he may not be able to get them in the future. He will definitely be the focus of attention in the future, and his father will come to visit him and pay attention to his physical and mental health.
He didn't seem to expect me to say that. His wandering eyes fixed on me. He stumbled off the bed and fell in front of me in panic.
"Let me explain..."
What explanation? I know his difficulties, I understand his hesitation, I know his escape...
Because I knew this, I was neither disappointed nor surprised, and I didn't want to hear him use words to embellish his behavior and his true inner thoughts.
I looked at him as if I were looking at another me in the world. “Don’t make promises to others easily.”
I would take it seriously, be happy about it, and maybe even hate him for it, hate this Tsushima Shuji whom I envy and like.
He and I are both cowards. If he can't do something, I certainly can't do it either. So this is advice to him as well as to me.
I turned and left. It was a nice day.
It's like someone is dying.
*
Two months later, I could occasionally see Shuji Tsushima looking at me through the crowd - as if he was looking at me with a look of guilt, as if he was holding a deep regret.
I thought of his sight as a cloud on the horizon.
Actually, I was wrong before. I shouldn't have placed all my hopes on him. No one can fully bear another person's hopes.
I won't blame him because we are both getting caught in the rain under the same sky. He doesn't have an umbrella either, but he is willing to hand me an umbrella pole without an umbrella cover.
I have no reason to dislike such a person.
If it weren't for me, Tsushima Shuji would have been able to endure the hatred his family brought him, but it would have been a little more painful.
And of course I can endure the delicate family relationships pointed out by Tsushima Shuji, just like enduring the cold in winter.
As long as you get used to these things, get used to the pain, you will become numb, and when you are numb, you will no longer feel pain.
I gave up on letting the wind take revenge on my brothers and sisters.
It's meaningless, and I'm quite tired. Seeing them laughing at me, I just feel tired.
——I’m tired of seeing the same ugliness on their different faces.
Now I can only hope that they will get tired of it someday and let me go, leaving me alone like a mushroom, and just give me some nutrients so that I don't die like this.
*
I also tried to communicate with the wind. This has been my only entertainment activity in the past two months. Fortunately, they seemed to listen to me very much.
I think a more appropriate term is I made some new friends.
Sometimes I would ask them to lift up a leaf for me, and they would use the leaf to show their dancing moves, which were elegant and casual, and a very high-level performance.
At this time, even if I did nothing, they seemed to understand my mood and ran to me happily.
[Does it look good?]
[That leaf still has a little bit of wood smell]
[You are stupid! Which leaf smells like wood?]
[No, the smell of the leaf is dry, like the smell of sunset]
[Oh! I know what you mean.]
Even though they've said that before, it's great that I'm able to be a part of it.
Although I didn't say anything, I pretended that I just remembered something happy.
They are like lively children, with a lack of concentration and drifting off to somewhere else in a moment. They will slip away quickly.
They have always been like this. I am not sure whether I will meet the wind again every time I see it, or whether I will never see it again in this life.
Their life span is usually very short, the longest may be one or two months, and the shortest may be only a few seconds. They come to my side in a hurry and leave in a hurry.
The longer-lived wind was born together with certain things, such as people, grass, trees, and even the Tsushima family's mansion - but it rarely spoke.
At least, I have never seen it speak in my life.
*
"What are you doing lately?" My elder sister stopped me from leaving.
"You look very sick." She stated the matter calmly.
I didn't look at her. My long bangs covered my eyes, like a barrier in the air.
Because of my attitude, she sighed and said, "Fluff." She called my name, "Do you know that you look like you are wasting your life?"
——That’s because I didn’t eat well.
"It's none of your business." I answered her question gloomily.
She looked very tired, with dark marks under her eyes. She was choked by me, and silence fell between us again. "Vintage..."
I didn't know what she was trying to do, so I couldn't help but frown slightly.
She lowered her eyes, thought for a while, and then looked into my eyes accurately through my bangs. It was then that I realized that my elder sister had a pair of very sharp eyes.
"Long, now, go eat." She ordered me firmly. I stared at her in silence. "...No."
"Do you know what you look like now? You are almost 8 years old this year, and you are only 1.2 meters tall. If you don't know, you will think that the Tsushima family is abusing you."
I remained silent, using this silence to express my refusal. No matter what she said, I remained unmoved.
"Lun, go eat something..." She looked up at the top of the Tsushima family wall. "No matter what you want to do, at least you have to have the strength to do it."
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