Chapter 154: Desire in front of love
She left the building in such haste that it could be described as a desperate escape. The image lingering in her mind was the scene before she left—after Xu Sirui had said no, she took a step back and accidentally bumped into a student who was about to leave behind her. The student reflexively apologized, "Sorry." She also mechanically replied, "Sorry, I bumped into you."
Their conversation inevitably attracted the attention of Xu Sirui and his deskmate. He turned around and looked at her through the corridor window. His pupils dilated slightly and he looked very surprised.
Xu Sirui's deskmate showed the awkward expression that onlookers would inevitably have when faced with such a situation. His eyes jumped around, as if he didn't know where to look. Finally, he lowered his eyes, looked at his nose, and touched his neck helplessly.
Her face was burning with embarrassment, but she looked into Xu Sirui's eyes intently.
Zhu Yingning couldn't see her own eyes clearly, but she knew they must contain a pleading look that even she felt pitiful for. She hoped he would take back what he said, hoped he would say to her like he did that day when they reconciled, "I didn't really mean what I said just now."
But Xu Sirui said nothing.
He returned her gaze, not looking away.
But he said nothing.
The pair of eyes that she always thought were beautiful were like a deep pool, calm and bottomless.
Finally, she tried to save face dejectedly by saying that she suddenly remembered that she had to go to tutoring early today, so she would not go with him. After saying that, she turned around and left in a hurry, escaping from here.
At the beginning, the pace could be controlled at the level of brisk walking, but after walking out of the school gate, it turned into a panicked escape.
She clutched the strap of her schoolbag tightly and ran around on the sidewalk like a headless fly, weaving in and out of the gaps between people, running past faces that were either tired or relaxed, the rustling sound of the sports car wheels rolling on the road, and the whistling wind in her ears.
The crowd was like shrubs, the high-rise buildings resembled a forest, the car exhaust was like the miasma of the forest, and the subway was the city's tangled roots. She ran in the tropical rainforest built of asphalt and reinforced concrete, sweating profusely and shedding tears, like a wild animal that had mistakenly entered the human world.
A wall of people suddenly appeared in front of her. She had no time to avoid it and bumped into them awkwardly.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
An incoherent apology.
"Yingning?"
Zhou Tianqing supported her, so surprised that she forgot to say sorry. She held her face in her hands, looked at her worriedly for a moment, and asked, "What's wrong with you? Is there something wrong?"
Zhou Tianqing is Xu Sirui's aunt.
After Zhu Yingning saw that it was her, the first thing that came to his mind was this matter.
But Zhou Tianqing once said that she could also be her aunt.
Tears flowed like a river, and she cried freely in her warm palm.
"Oh my..." Zhou Tianqing smiled, held her in his arms, wiped her tears with his fingertips, and led her towards her parking lot.
She had come to the school because today was the wedding anniversary of her parents, Xu Sirui's grandparents. The two old, old friends, still imitating youthful romance, were clamoring to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary at a restaurant. She figured the restaurant wasn't far from the school, so she could pick up the kids and join in the fun, so she drove over. But before she even reached the school, she saw Zhu Yingning rushing out, distraught.
The car was parked in the underground parking lot of a nearby shopping mall. Zhou Tianqing took Zhu Yingning down. The smell of mold and engine oil from the parking lot hit their noses, which was damp and slightly fishy.
She opened the passenger seat, stuffed her in first, then sat in the driver's seat, took out a few tissues and handed them to her.
Zhu Yingning unfolded the tissue while crying and covered her cheeks with it. Soon, both tissues Zhou Tianqing handed to her were wet with her tears.
Zhou Tianqing didn't rush her, but just smiled helplessly and handed her the third and fourth tissues. When her crying slowed down a little, he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear that was wet with sweat and tears and stuck to her cheek. He said softly, "I'm ready to listen. If you want to talk, I'm always available to listen. If you don't want to, I'll just stay quiet and stay here with you. How about that?"
She turned her face and looked at her with red eyes from crying, and said with a sob: "Auntie, have you ever liked anyone?"
"Of course." She laughed. "Have you forgotten that I'm already over 30? I've dated several people."
"Then you... you would feel..." She couldn't help crying again, sobbing, "Do you feel that liking someone is tiring?"
"Who made you feel this way?" She put her arm around her shoulders again. "Is it that bastard Xu Sirui?"
Zhu Yingning nodded and shook her head, and finally nodded.
She herself didn't know what was wrong with her.
Why are you crying?
Why do I feel heartbroken?
He hadn't said anything particularly harsh. Compared to their argument that night, his tone when he said he didn't like her was so gentle and peaceful. It was so peaceful, as if he was simply describing something perfectly natural. Why did she feel so much worse than when she heard those stinging words from him that night? It almost felt like the sky was falling. She would rather hear those stinging words a few more times than have that scene happen again.
Was she such a fragile person before? How could she become so unlike herself?
Perhaps she had accidentally spoken out loud, for she felt Zhou Tianqing's hand gently pat her on the back, and heard her whisper in her ear, "Intimate relationships expose all of a person's tiny weaknesses, some of which you may never even be aware of. This is normal, and there's no need to doubt yourself."
She looked up with a confused expression.
Zhou Tianqing told her gently, "When I had my first relationship, I was a little older than you are now. I was a freshman in college, 18 years old. It's the perfect age for youth, right? From childhood to adulthood, everyone I've been with has praised me for being tolerant, lively, and fun. I can get along happily with anyone, no matter what type of person I am. So before my first relationship, I always thought there wouldn't be a more perfect girlfriend in the world."
"But it was that relationship—my first love—that made me realize for the first time that I was actually a control freak with an extremely strong desire for control."
Her narration made Zhu Yingning forget to cry for a moment. She opened her eyes wide and looked at her with curiosity and disbelief.
Zhou Tianqing pinched her face and continued, "My boyfriend is the most handsome guy in school. To be frank, I was with him just for his looks. But after being with him, I found that he has no ambition. He is just getting by academically and has no plans for the future. His whole mentality is to enjoy life in the moment."
"I didn't really care about this when we first started dating, but after the honeymoon period wore off, I started to get increasingly fed up with his lack of ambition and started making plans for him. I wouldn't let him skip classes, wouldn't let him use his phone during class, and required him to join the clubs and student unions I'd set up for him."
"This tendency to control me became increasingly severe. I even demanded he check in with me at all times so I could monitor his studies. My boyfriend, of course, couldn't stand this. We argued numerous times over this, and broke up and got back together numerous times. We finally broke up because he'd promised me he'd participate in a competition I'd chosen for him. But even after the registration deadline, he didn't show up and instead played dice with his friends at a bar. I was furious, thinking he was a hopeless case. I went to the bar and berated him in front of his friends."
"My boyfriend has been the most popular boy on campus since he was little, and he's been pampered by everyone. Of course, he couldn't stand me putting him down like that, so we broke up after this incident. I even shamelessly asked for a reconciliation a few times, but he refused, saying that being with me was exhausting and that I was a psychopathic control freak."
"I thought, how could I be a control freak? No one has ever said that about me since I was a child. All my relatives and friends think I'm very easy to get along with. Even the boys who pursued me but were rejected by me never said a bad word about me. I think there must be something wrong with him. My friends, including my parents, also comforted me by saying that this was entirely his fault."
"Until I started dating my second boyfriend." Zhou Tianqing smiled bitterly. "This time, I learned from my previous experience and found someone who was ambitious. But I found that I still couldn't change my desire to control him. I still wanted to control him. He participated in competition A, and I felt that competition B was more cost-effective. He planned to take the postgraduate entrance examination, and I felt that his major would be more suitable for the current employment environment if he could find a job in time. It would also be more conducive to our relationship, because taking the postgraduate entrance examination means being in different places."
"Well... in the end, of course, we broke up. This time, his words weren't so harsh. He just said, 'I feel like our personalities clash and we're not suitable for each other.'"
"After two failed experiences, I finally began to reflect on myself and wonder why I had such a strong desire to control others. Do you know why?"
Zhu Yingning shook his head honestly.
"It took me a long time to figure it out. I realized it had something to do with my upbringing and my personality," Zhou Tianqing said. "My sister, Ruirui's mother, has always had a girlish personality. Even though she's the older sister, she's always been a bit confused. My parents don't believe that 'the older one must be mature and stable.' They respect each child's personality, so our relationship has been completely different from other families with sisters. I've always been the one raising my sister."
"She doesn't have a strong opinion. From small things like what to eat for breakfast to big things like what major to choose in college, I decide everything for her. Isn't it incredible? She enjoys it, and I enjoy it too. Neither of us thinks there's anything wrong with it."
"As for my friends, and even stranger classmates and relatives, I never try to control them, because I don't think they are close enough to me that I can make decisions for them."
"It wasn't until I started dating that the controlling nature in me finally came to the fore. Firstly, it's because things smell better when they're far away, as we often say, distance creates beauty. Secondly, I considered him part of my family. I liked him, and I saw him as a part of my future together. So naturally, I had higher expectations of him, and higher expectations often mean more demands and greater disappointment."
"It is precisely because of the close proximity and high expectations of intimate relationships that they expose small flaws in your personality that you never took seriously, allowing you to discover a different side of yourself. You may feel that you have changed, that you are no longer like yourself. In fact, you have not changed. This is also a part of you. Instead of denying it, it is better to learn to recognize it."
Zhou Tianqing patted her head and said gently, "For example, now you can think seriously about why you are so sad? What do you think of Ruirui? What expectations do you have for him?"
Zhou Tianqing's narration made Zhu Yingning stop crying gradually. Although she was still in a low mood, she was no longer unable to think of anything except crying as before.
Following Zhou Tianqing's words, she slowly turned her mind.
What does Xu Sirui mean to her?
After thinking about it, I found that the answer to this question did not require any thinking at all.
He was her benefactor, a more benefactor than Xu Zhengkang, without a doubt. From the moment he gave Liu Guifang that watch, to the phone call asking her to study in Beijing, to that Spring Festival, when she had almost given up on herself, believing she was destined to endure Liu Guifang's fate, he came all the way to pull her out of the quagmire. He was involved in every major milestone in her life.
She regarded him as the fulcrum of her life, thinking that he was the one who had helped her to move forward from the darkness of her life. Before she met Xu Sirui, she had never been firmly chosen by anyone in difficult situations.
Her parents might have loved her, but that love came with a prerequisite: she could only receive their love if the family had sufficient resources and Zhu Jixiang's rights were not compromised. Once resources became scarce—the son had to be kept to bring honor to the family, the demented mother had to be kept to prove filial piety and avoid criticism, and the daughter-in-law could be kept to give birth to more sons—then she, as a daughter, naturally became the first to be abandoned.
She had always been abandoned, and it was the first time that Xu Sirui chose her in such a difficult situation.
He had no idea how much she had placed her illusions in him. Because he was so important to her, everyone else could give up on her, but he couldn't. Everyone else could choose not her, but he couldn't. How could he not choose her? How could he not like her? If he didn't choose her or like her, what would she do?
Zhu Yingning suddenly realized that Xu Sirui was right. Her reasons for doing good deeds weren't as noble as she'd assumed. She actually did it with the hope that others would remember her for a little while. She didn't need outright gratitude; just a little thought would be enough. The small thoughts from everyone, added together, could become a coat strong enough to keep her warm, just like wool knitted into a sweater.
She didn't dare to ask for someone's passionate love. She didn't believe that anyone would treat her like that. What she always asked for was everyone's shallow love, as shallow as a dipping sauce.
Only Xu Sirui——
Only when she treated him did she ask for more.
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