Chapter 41 Heart to Heart Talk She Will Experience It Herself
The night Zhu Yingning learned that Zhou Li had left, she seemed particularly distraught, or perhaps it should be said that she seemed particularly empty and confused.
They returned to Zhujia Village along the same route. She remained silent all the way, and even at home, she was quiet. But it wasn't as if she was so distracted that she couldn't do anything. She continued to help Liu Guifang with housework, feed her grandmother dinner, and study at her desk as usual. She didn't let her low mood affect her and she didn't stop working. For this, Xu Sirui admired her, as he himself was the type who couldn't get anything done when he was in a bad mood.
Throughout the evening, Xu Sirui looked at her silently several times, trying to see some clues from her face so that he could show his classmate love and comfort her in this way or that. Unfortunately, he didn't see anything and didn't find any suitable opportunity.
After dark, they lay on the kang in silence.
Before long, Xu Sirui could hear the steady breathing of Zhu Yingning from the other side of the 38th parallel. She didn't snore; instead, her breathing was light, gentle, and long. Listening to this steady breathing, he unknowingly fell asleep.
**
At two o'clock in the middle of the night, Xu Sirui was inexplicably awakened by a nightmare. After waking up, he instantly forgot what the nightmare was about. He only felt a lingering fear. He sat up and calmed down. He inadvertently glanced towards the other side of the 38th parallel and was surprised to find that Zhu Yingning was not there.
He put on his slippers and went to the bathroom to check, but she was nowhere to be found. He then went to the kitchen to check, but she was still nowhere to be found.
Where are you going?
He kept muttering to himself, "I don't care about her, I just can't sleep and am bored." At the same time, he went back to the house, found the flashlight, took it in his hand, and searched the area furtively.
Yang Ji had said before that Xu Sirui was afraid of the dark, and he was right. Xu Sirui wasn't afraid of getting into trouble, getting scolded, or causing trouble. The only thing he feared was everything that dialectical materialism denied, like darkness, ghosts, and corpses. He walked toward the back of the mountain with a flashlight, feeling increasingly uneasy. He wanted to stop and turn back home several times, wondering if Zhu Yingning had just been strolling around and was already home.
And he had no idea where to find her! He and she weren't close enough, so how could he possibly know where she went when she couldn't sleep?
……wrong.
Xu Sirui was complaining in his heart, when suddenly an idea flashed in his mind and he realized that he actually knew the answer.
Not long after they met, Zhu Yingning took him to the secret base that he accidentally broke into.
He originally thought that he had only been there once and would definitely not remember the way, but after recalling everything about the cave, he found the right way very easily and ran quickly on the way to the cave.
He saw a mountain tortoise covered with a curtain. A faint yellow candlelight shone through the leaves. A large, phototactic moth rested on one of the leaves. He reached out and shook the leaf, but the moth didn't budge. He flicked it against the other side, finally sending it away. He then parted the curtain and ducked inside.
Zhu Yingning sat cross-legged in the corner of the cave. To Xu Sirui's relief, she did not cry, but just silently flipped through Zhu Juan's letter in the iron box. When she saw him, she slowly raised her head, her dark eyes reflected the warm candlelight, and there was a hint of surprise in her eyes.
She didn't speak first, and didn't ask "Why are you here?", so Xu Sirui didn't say anything either. He sat down opposite her. Although his figure still retained the slenderness of a teenager, his skeleton was large, and the cave was small. When he sat down at the entrance with his long arms and legs, he almost blocked the entrance completely.
The candle burned quietly among them, like a flowing clock, burning time into residual wax.
She lowered her head and slowly flipped through the letters. After a long while, she pointed to the stamp on one of them and asked a seemingly irrelevant question softly: "Is this Lushan?"
He lowered his eyes, his Adam's apple rolled, and he hummed.
"Have you been there?"
“Yes.”
"Is Lushan fun? Is it the same as here?"
Xu Sirui smiled, his voice a little low, "That's quite different." He paused, then added, "Lushan is well developed. The mountain roads are paved and spacious, so private cars can pass easily. There are also foreign buildings on the mountain. Because of the high altitude, it's quite cool in the summer, so many wealthy people go there to escape the heat."
She nodded, then took out another letter, pointed at the stamp on it, and asked, "The Great Wall?"
"Yeah, I've been there," he laughed. "If you ever get the chance to go there, don't trust the photo services there. They're a rip-off. They'll first tell you it's free, then after you're done, they'll say they're only giving you a two-inch or even one-inch photo for free. If you want a larger photo, you'll have to pay for it yourself. It's incredibly expensive, and the photos aren't very good."
She raised her eyebrows in surprise, smiled and nodded: "Thank you for the useful advice." Then she pointed to another stamp and asked him with her eyes where it was.
"Erhai Lake," he said softly. "If you go to Erhai Lake in Dali, you must choose a sunny day. The views on a sunny day and a cloudy day are completely different."
"I remember." She nodded solemnly.
Xu Sirui suddenly felt thankful that their conversation had unanimously led to a shared principle: one day, she would be able to leave the mountains. Not by fleeing in a hurry like Zhu Juan, nor by being forced to become a blood bag for her soon-to-be-married brother like Zhou Li, but by walking out of the mountains on her own, measuring the world on foot, observing the myriad creatures beyond the mountains with her clear-sighted eyes.
She will personally experience all the ups and downs of this world, whether it is luck or misfortune.
Yes, that's good.
By the time she was able to travel to those places, they would undoubtedly have long since separated. By then, she might have married and had children, or she might have chosen to remain single. Perhaps she'd become a backpacker, or perhaps she'd become an impartial Supreme Court judge—that would have been perfectly in line with her personality. As for him, he'd probably become a programmer at a gaming company, stubbornly pursuing elegance and fashion among a group of tech geeks who loved plaid shirts, living out the ordinary, routine life he longed for. Although he had no chance to see her, and it was only a guess, Xu Sirui imagined that scene many years from now, and a slight warmth flowed through his heart.
She heard her mutter across from him, "I wish they could see these views, too."
At that moment, an indescribable tenderness softened his heart. He sighed softly, wanting to ask her why she was so kind to them. Zhu Juan could still explain it with the friendship of childhood sweethearts, but what about Zhou Li? In fact, he could see that she and Zhou Li were not familiar enough to risk their lives for each other, but she still did her best.
Perhaps the atmosphere at that moment was perfect for a heart-to-heart talk. She spread out her palms, looked at the lines of her lightly callused palms, and whispered in a tone that was unclear whether it was helplessness or something else: "Sometimes... I feel so useless. I seem to be busy, wanting to help this and that, but in fact I'm helping no one."
She raised her eyelids, glanced at him, and smiled, "And... you called me a saint. That's not a nice word, is it? I borrowed a magazine from Teacher Chen a few days ago, and saw a joke mocking saints. Everyone hates saints, and maybe that's right. It's just that I have too much self-awareness and always think of myself as a hero who saves the world."
"Maybe." Xu Sirui looked at her palm. The lines on her palm were very deep and clear, as if carved with a knife, each stroke carving out the rings of life. He said, "Maybe 'Saint Mary' is not a good word, but I feel... everyone laughs at kind people, but only when that kindness falls on you can you feel its weight."
"I've tried it, and I think it's quite good." He coughed, his face flushing slightly from being unaccustomed to saying such things. "Anyway... I think it's good for you to stay like this. The world needs selfish people like me to expand the petty bourgeoisie, and it also needs selfless people like you to serve as the people's servants. Perhaps you are doing this to help me succeed, and I am doing this to show you off."
No one had ever said such words to her before, and in this mountain, there was no hope for any deep communication. Zhu Yingning was stunned for a long time before she smiled faintly, her eyes moist. "...Hmm." She thought for a moment and couldn't help but say, "I don't think you're selfish."
"Really? That's because you don't know me well enough." Xu Sirui laughed.
They looked at each other and suddenly burst into laughter.
Originally, this conversation could have ended happily at this point, but life is not always as planned.
After laughing, Zhu Yingning suddenly sighed, "But I still feel it's a pity. If only Zhou Li's parents weren't as son-centric as ours, it would be great. She's already in junior high school. She just lacks an opportunity."
Xu Sirui's smile still lingered on his face. Upon hearing this, he frowned in disbelief, as if he had heard something out of the ordinary. "What did you say?"
She thought he asked this question because he didn't hear clearly, so she repeated it again foolishly: "I say, if Zhou Li's parents were not as patriarchal as ours, it would be great, she..."
"...Zhu Yingning, I think your definition of favoring sons over daughters is flawed." The warmth and tacit understanding of the previous conversation had already dissipated. Xu Sirui frowned and said disdainfully, "Your parents don't consider favoring sons over daughters, so what do you mean by favoring sons over daughters? It's ridiculous."
Her eyes widened in shock, a look of undisguised bewilderment and confusion in them. "What nonsense are you talking about? Why are you talking about my parents like that?"
Her naive and foolish look made Xu Sirui feel inexplicably irritated.
In reality, he wasn't one to enjoy violating other people's boundaries. He knew that some conversations could enhance relationships, while others would only tear them apart, like a hatchet splitting a long-rotten log. Would the log be grateful for it? It would only hasten its demise. He didn't like having his boundaries violated, so he was particularly sensitive to others' boundaries. Looking at Zhu Yingning's expression, he knew that continuing this conversation would only hurt both sides, but he couldn't suppress the rage boiling within him at her foolishness. Another name for that rage would be "hate iron for not becoming steel."
"Are you really stupid, or are you just pretending?" He bluntly revealed the truth. "This variety show is supposedly giving high-achieving students from the mountains a chance to escape and experience city life. Your grades are clearly better than your brother's. You claim you always top the exams, so why don't your parents let you go to the city, but instead let your brother go?"
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