Chapter 44 The reason for coming here in secret
Xu Sirui was not the kind of person who would immediately kneel down in front of the person involved and say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" and then slap himself hard after hearing a pitiful story, but he had to admit that the truth of the matter still made him feel uncomfortable all over. This discomfort lasted for a long time, so long that he left the old hunter's house and still felt depressed.
When he saw Zhu Yingning coming home in the evening, although he still couldn't bring himself to talk to her, he rarely put away his sour face as if she owed him millions.
The next day after school, when Zhu Yingning asked him to participate in poetry recitation rehearsal again, he did not leave childishly like he did yesterday.
The poems to be recited had already been discussed and decided by everyone before he left yesterday. Despite this, she still respected the opinions of every participating member and showed him the confirmed poems, asking him if he had any objections.
Xu Sirui took a quick look. He'd assumed this kind of poetry recital program would feature familiar classical Chinese poems or modern revolutionary poetry, but he wasn't surprised to find the piece they'd chosen was something quite niche: Xi Murong's "Mountain Moon." He piqued his interest and took a closer look.
The poem is not long and is easy to read. The style of the poem is delicate and exquisite, beautiful and transparent, melancholy but not sorrowful. It is an elegy about youth.
He was surprised that Zhu Yingning would choose a poem of this style. Although he did not ask directly, he was absolutely sure that it was she who suggested this poem, because - it's not nice to say this, but other people did not have such a wide range of reading as she did.
"I have no objection." He closed her notebook.
Zhu Yingning took the notebook and nodded: "Then let's start rehearsing."
Children from the mountains are very simple, and this simplicity is reflected in the rare seriousness with which they approach the poetry recitation competition, which Xu Sirui considers meaningless. If this had happened at his previous school, everyone would have either run away, perfunctorily done it, or complained about it. But here, every student recited with all their might during rehearsal, their faces flushed, their voices hoarse, and their sweat dripping, just like the morning reading, with the intensity of a battle-ready battle. Zhu Yingning had to pause several times to emphasize the song's emotional tone to the others, to calm their excitement.
Half an hour later, the rehearsal ended and the students packed up their bags and went home to find their mothers.
Xu Sirui packed his things slowly and took the time to glance at Zhu Yingning beside him.
In fact, he didn't know why he looked at her. He just felt that the quarrel a few days ago had far-reaching consequences, making the atmosphere between them still weird when they were talking. Although they had just talked during rehearsal, he didn't know whether they had reconciled or not.
Feeling secretly embarrassed, she suddenly said to the air: "Did you know that our teaching building has a rooftop?"
"Huh?" Xu Sirui subconsciously glanced behind him and found no one behind him or in front of him, so he responded, "...I don't know, what happened?"
"Let's go up and take a look." After she said that, she walked out and waved to the photographer, indicating that he should not follow her.
Rooftops are a sacred place for confessions in teen idol dramas. However, given the scars left by that slap and the recent cold war, Xu Sirui couldn't help but suspect that Zhu Yingning had asked him to go up there to give him a beating without the photographer's knowledge. He pondered whether he should run away or swallow his anger and let her vent her anger as he followed her, taking deep and shallow steps.
The rooftop gave the same impression as the old teaching building. It was also deserted and empty. The ground was covered with black mud of varying shades because it was not cleaned in time during the rain. The corners were filled with brooms that had not been used for a long time, but in the middle of the room there was a floral quilt hanging to dry, which looked very lively - I wonder which faculty member forgot it here.
There are mountains in the distance, and beyond the mountains is the sky.
The continuous mountains have a profound feeling of timelessness and from a distance, it is hard to tell which side is the end of the world.
She walked to the railing, took a deep breath, and turned around suddenly.
The swift turn brought back some bad memories for Xu Sirui. He immediately covered his face with the back of his hand and yelled, "Don't hit someone in the face. It hurts your pride!"
"?"
Zhu Yingning's serious expression almost broke, and she said with a mixture of laughter and tears, "What are you thinking? I called you over here to apologize to you."
"Apologize?" He widened his eyes and took a long time to decipher the meaning of these two words. He completely forgot that not long ago he was enjoying imagining the scene of Zhu Yingning apologizing to him. He said in shock, "But..."
She shook her head and interrupted him: "I've thought about it for a few days, and I feel that no matter what, it's wrong to take the first step."
"Can……"
"I said myself that a gentleman should use words, not fists, but I didn't do that myself." She stood in front of him, looking at him calmly, her eyes clear, her voice neither too high nor too low, neither humble nor too arrogant, and she spoke loud enough for him to hear, "Xu Sirui, I apologize for hitting you. I'm sorry."
This is really abrupt.
Xu Sirui gritted his teeth and remained silent for a long time before squeezing out a few vague sounds from between his teeth: "...You are forcing me."
Zhu Yingning hadn't expected this kind of answer. She was completely bewildered by his accusation and asked in confusion, "What am I forcing you to do?"
"Forcing me to feel guilty about you."
After hearing about her childhood, he'd felt only a vague twinge of guilt towards her. But her apology ignited that feeling like a smoldering fire, ignited by the wind and ignited into a devastating wildfire. He felt completely inhuman now. The wild boars in the mountains—no, the rocks in the mountains—were more human than he was. At least they had a chance of being transformed into monkeys by the spiritual energy of heaven and earth.
What was even more bizarre was their subsequent conversation, because after listening to it, Zhu Yingning actually thought seriously for a while and asked him, "What should we do then?"
"How should I know?"
"Why don't you apologize to me too? That will help ease your guilt."
"?"
He pursed his lips, considered for a moment, and replied, "...No."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Although I feel guilty, I just can't put it into words."
"Just try harder."
"I can't try hard enough."
"You try to get over it."
"I can't overcome it."
After saying that, they stared at each other with wide eyes.
After five seconds of silence, Xu Sirui suddenly felt an inexplicable smile. He bit the skin on the inside of his mouth with his teeth, trying to suppress it for a while, and asked, "Don't you think our conversation is like that of two idiots?"
She blinked her eyes: "I don't think so."
After saying this, the corners of his mouth curled up, and he quickly mobilized his facial muscles to smooth out the curled corners of his mouth, just like someone hitting your knee and forcibly pressing your calf to prevent it from having a knee jerk reaction.
Xu Sirui originally wanted to laugh only a little bit, but when he saw her face that was so funny that she was trying to hold back her laughter, he couldn't hold it back any longer. Just like the previous times, his lips trembled for a few seconds, and he burst into laughter at the same time as her.
On the old, empty rooftop, their laughter echoed like piano keys, one rising and falling. One stood up, the other collapsed, finally straightening up only to be stabbed down again by laughter. If this were late at night instead of dusk, their eerie laughter would surely become a campus ghost story that students would relish.
They laughed until their abdominal muscles ached and they looked in pain, as if they had taken some laxative. Zhu Yingning shouted "Enough!" - it was unclear whether he was talking to himself or ordering him - and they finally stopped laughing. One of them squatted on the ground, and the other held the railing, with a ferocious expression on their faces as they soothed their sore rectus abdominis muscles.
The dim twilight showered the earth with mercy, casting a tranquil filter over everything. After a long moment, Xu Sirui reached out his hand and saw his palm, in the twilight, take on the hue of film. He suddenly remembered another line of poetry he had stumbled upon while flipping through her poetry collection after school:
I like the fields at dusk, when all colors have settled but darkness has not yet arrived.
Poetry softens the boundary between reality and poetry. He stared at the lines on his palm for a long time and smiled slightly.
"Hello, Zhu Yingning."
"Hmm?" She turned around, holding the railing. There was still a thin layer of sweat on her forehead from laughing just now, and it was gleaming in the twilight.
"Have I ever told you why I was sent here?"
She blinked in confusion: "Isn't it because of internet addiction?"
"That's only part of the reason." He lowered his eyes and pried at a weed on the ground with his fingers. "That's not the main reason."
"Ah." She uttered a soft "ah," vaguely realizing that the main reason was not a good one, and considerately chose to remain silent.
But Xu Sirui spoke up himself. He was not the kind of person who liked to confide secrets, but maybe it was the dusk, or maybe it was the mountain scenery that brought them closer together. He inexplicably wanted to say something, something unpleasant, along with his own meanness.
So, for the first time, he said in a confessional tone:
"At my old school, there was a girl who had a crush on me for a long time. She'd been pursuing me since fifth grade all the way to eighth grade, but I had no interest in her. I rejected her hundreds of times, but she wouldn't listen and kept pestering me. You know how I reject people, but I was really puzzled by her persistence. Eventually, I got fed up with her pestering me, so I offered to date her, but only if she could win first place in a certain gaming league. I just casually said that because the competition was incredibly difficult, and she wasn't good at gaming, I meant to get her to back off, but she was incredibly persistent. From that day on, she'd hang out in the internet cafe after school, even more obsessed with gaming than I was. Later, that league..."
She had been listening quietly, but upon hearing this, she interrupted, "Did she get first place?"
"No." Xu Sirui pursed his lips, raised his head, and looked at her with dark eyes. "I didn't want to date her, so I created an account without telling her and entered the competition myself, and defeated her. She worked hard for several months, but in the end she only got second place. She was very sad when she came to me, saying that we might not be destined to be together, so she really planned to give up pursuing me this time. I was actually quite happy to hear that, or should I say, relieved. Anyway, I didn't pay any attention to her after that. But a few days later, I don't know where she heard the truth of the matter. She learned that it was me who went back on my word and created an account to enter the competition myself to hinder her, and then..."
He scratched his cheek and said, "She climbed to the top floor of our teaching building."
"Ah?!" Zhu Yingning instantly became nervous, her heart beating rapidly. She swallowed hard, "Then...?"
"He's not dead. He had already climbed up and was about to jump, but was rescued by firefighters. He's currently on leave from school... Or maybe he's already back in school, I don't know."
Her anxious heart finally settled down a little, but the look she gave Xu Sirui still became complicated.
After a long silence, he spread his hands and said to her, "Just say whatever you want to say."
"Can I speak?"
"Go ahead."
"real?"
"Um."
Zhu Yingning sighed and squatted down in front of him: "Then... did you apologize to her later?"
"No."
She wore a sad expression, and after a moment's effort to organize her words, she spoke softly, "Since you asked me to speak, I'll speak. Xu Sirui, let's be clear. I know she's wrong to be so persistent, but... but I don't think that's a reason for you to hurt her or deceive her." After a pause, she continued, "I know this request is disgusting, excessive, and self-righteous. You can choose not to hear it, but if you want to hear it, can you promise me that you'll apologize to her when you get back?"
"I don't think it's any use apologizing."
"Whether she forgives me or not is her business, whether you apologize or not is your business." She stared at him silently with her black and white eyes. "Xu Sirui, these are two different things."
Her eyes seemed to possess a magical power, like a rock pressing down, strangely flattening all the ripples in Xu Sirui's heart. He felt an unprecedented sense of peace, inexplicable. So he nodded, and said with a gentleness that he himself could not believe, "Okay."
She smiled then and was about to stand up when he suddenly reached out and grabbed her wrist.
Zhu Yingning was stunned.
His palm was dry and warm, much hotter than her wrist, so much so that she felt like she was burned.
"Zhu Yingning." He just grabbed her wrist, looked into her eyes, and whispered in a low voice, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that to you that day."
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