Chapter 71 Drunk and Dreaming (Part 1) It's my fault, I shouldn't have said that to you...
When Ayu said those words to him, Guo Jia was completely stunned.
He stood frozen in place, his mind blank.
Surprised? Shocked?
It seems like I have both, but for some reason, a strange numbness of "it's normal" rises from the depths of my heart.
Perhaps it was because she kept mentioning homesickness last night, or perhaps it was because of her relieved farewell this morning. These fragments of memories had already made him vaguely uneasy, but he chose to ignore them, thinking that she would still be waiting for him in the same place, just like before.
However, these unsurprising realizations did nothing to alleviate the pervasive chill throughout my body.
Guo Jia had no idea how he followed A Yu home. When he stepped through the courtyard gate, Huai Niang was crying in the front yard, holding A Xiang in her arms. Seeing Guo Jia return, she released A Xiang and knelt down, saying, "Chancellor, Madam... Madam suddenly passed away... I don't know when she left. She asked me to call Zhong Jun's wife to talk to her during the day... But just now when I went to call her for dinner, she..."
Huai Niang was so frightened that she dared not continue.
At the other end of the room, the baby's cries were heart-wrenching, and the wet nurse's anxious attempts to soothe it seemed utterly futile. Ah Xiang hid to the side, covering her mouth and wiping away tears.
"In the bedroom?" Guo Jia asked in a cold voice, a composure he himself had not expected.
Despite her trembling legs, Huai Niang rose and grabbed Guo Jia's sleeve to stop him, saying, "This servant has already boiled water, and... I will go to prepare the body for the madam's burial... The madam's body is already soiled, and the libationer should not enter..."
Guo Jia glanced down at her slightly, then brushed her hand away. "Thank you, but I'll take care of it."
He said this and started walking, ignoring Ayu and Huai Niang's attempts to stop him.
He recalled how he had been affected by the plague and lost control of his bladder in the fourth year of the Chuping era. Deng Jie had also disregarded the filth and wanted to bathe him. Although Chen Xuan ended up washing him, Deng Jie had taken away his clothes beforehand.
It's just filth, what does it matter to them who have persevered all this way?
Instead of having an outsider embarrass her, it's better to do it yourself.
He thought this, but when his gaze fell on the figure lying quietly on the bed, lifeless, all his feigned composure was shattered.
He tripped over the threshold and stumbled, his knee hitting the ground. The sharp pain was nothing compared to the anxiety he felt.
Guo Jia braced himself against the ground, and it took him a while to recover.
Although he knew his mind was perfectly clear, his body was uncontrollably numb and his fingertips were icy cold.
He took a deep breath and, instead of approaching the bed first, very naturally, as usual, walked to the copper basin and wrung out a warm cloth.
Then he knelt down beside the bed and began to carefully wipe her body, as if he were just taking care of a sleeping patient.
But those hands were trembling violently.
Deng Jie's skin had begun to turn ashen, losing all the luster and warmth of a living person.
With each inch of wiping, Guo Jia's heart sank a little deeper, growing colder by an inch.
Guo Jia tied his sash meticulously, which was not his usual style, but he believed it was the proper solemnity she deserved.
That silver bell, which was initially not a token of love, became the only token he never parted with, and he cherished it by wearing it on his waist.
Guo Jia remembered that ever since he learned of Yu Ji's death, Deng Jie had always carried the Taiping Qinglingjian with him, but now he didn't know where it was and couldn't find it, so he had to give up.
Looking at his wife, who was dressed in gorgeous clothes but had a pale and lifeless face, Guo Jia recalled the time when they secretly re-held their wedding. Deng Jie had just finished his chores and changed into this very dress, looking travel-worn. He smiled and sighed, "Besides, I'm not worthy of this dress now..." Guo Jia was surprised to find that his makeup skills had come in such a useful way.
He took out his dressing case and lit a circle of candles around the bed. The warm yellow flames illuminated her face in a heartbreaking way.
Just like when he applied makeup to her back then, Guo Jia took out some fragrant powder, dissolved it little by little, applied it to her bluish face, and then blended rouge, applying it to her cheeks and eyelids.
In the flickering candlelight, this meticulously made-up face seemed to come alive again.
Guo Jia stopped what he was doing, holding his breath and watching intently, a naive hope in his heart, as if he could wait for her to suddenly open her eyes and call him "Fengxiao".
"Fengxiao!"
Cao Cao's deep voice called to him from behind.
Guo Jia turned around and saw Cao Cao hurrying towards them with Lady Bian.
"My lord." Guo Jia was about to get up, but his legs were numb, so he knelt on the ground after only two steps.
"Fengxiao!" Cao Cao bent down to help him up, but his strength was insufficient to lift him. Cao Cao then squatted down halfway and glanced at the couch behind him. "Why so suddenly?!"
Guo Jia smiled and waved his hand, "It's alright, it's alright. Perhaps she's tired, perhaps... Jia didn't take good care of her... It's all in the past."
Bian, who was behind him, could not suppress her grief. She stepped forward, took a look, and squeezed Cao Cao's hand. Suddenly, tears rolled down her cheeks, and she covered her mouth and hid behind Cao Cao.
The sound of a baby crying came from the side room, and Cao Cao's gaze followed it. "Has the child been named yet?"
Guo Jia opened his mouth, pondered for a moment, and then calmly replied, "I originally intended to discuss it with her these past two days... so... let's call her Guo Yi."
He Yizhang Zhuo, both mean bright and radiant.
My brother-in-law's name is Deng Zhao, and he sacrificed so much for me... My wife's nickname is Shuo Yi, and my younger sister's name is A Yi... I remember them by these names.
Upon hearing this explanation, Cao Cao was moved.
He had always known that Guo Jia was sincere and affectionate, but he never imagined that Guo Jia would truly remember all the people he cared about.
"Alright... Yi'er." Cao Cao grasped Guo Jia's cold hand and patted it gently. "The child is still an infant, and you... are exhausted and unable to care for him properly. I will temporarily take Yi'er into my household and have Lady Bian personally care for him. Once you... once you have settled things here, and once we return victorious from this northern expedition, we will safely send him back to your side. What do you think?"
He winked at Bian Shi, who quickly wiped away her tears, nodded, and left.
"Thank you, my lord..." Guo Jia sighed softly, shook Cao Cao's hand, and looked up at him. "By the way, his courtesy name... shall be 'Boyi'. He is my wife's child... I hope that in the future he can assist you and the prince, just as Da Fei assisted Yu, to bring peace to the world."
Seeing Guo Jia's current state, Cao Cao's worries deepened.
He said in a deep voice, "Fengxiao, things have come to this, you... must take care of yourself and try to grieve. Wenzhi and Wenyuan will advocate for you on the northern expedition, so you don't need to worry about it right away. Calm your mind first."
"No need to worry." Guo Jia raised his hand to refuse. He tried to stand up, though he was still a little unsteady. "Your Excellency, state affairs are of utmost importance. Once I have finished dealing with these mundane matters, I will immediately go to the Minister of Works' residence."
He nudged Cao Cao's shoulder and said, "Please return, my lord."
Cao Cao understood him; any words of comfort would be futile at this moment. He said no more, but simply patted Guo Jia's shoulder firmly before turning and leaving.
The door was gently closed, and the baby's cries gradually faded away.
Guo Jia stood there stunned for a long time before he came to his senses and moved back to the bedside.
He looked down at Deng Jie's face, a slight smile playing on his lips, and clapped his hands, saying, "Yes, yes, the eyebrows haven't been drawn yet."
He rummaged through his makeup box again, taking out inkstones and a writing brush. "I haven't used a brush in years, so I don't know... if my skills are still there..."
He took a deep breath, held it, and tried his best to steady his trembling hand, bringing the pen tip close but unable to put it down for a long time.
After several attempts to make up his mind, he finally held his breath, gripped his wrist tightly, and, following the technique from his memory, meticulously drew stroke by stroke, as if returning to that secret night when she, too, closed her eyes and waited shyly for his work.
Guo Jia straightened up and examined the object carefully by the candlelight. "...This is how it looks...that's what I like."
However, he still regretted it for a long time. His lips turned down uncontrollably, and he choked up, "What a pity... what a pity... it's not as good as you usually do... Jia's cooking skills... have really been wasted..."
He slumped down to his knees beside the bed, took her hand from his sleeve, and gently intertwined his fingers with hers.
Recalling the scene of reeds rustling and pear blossoms falling on the trees along the riverbank in Qiao County, she smiled radiantly and held his hand, saying, "Deng Shuoyi of Nanyang only has medicine jars covering the walls, dedicated to curing the sick. What do you think, Fengxiao?"
The same hands, once warm and soft as jade, are now cold as stone.
"Hehe...haha...hahaha..."
Guo Jia placed his hand on his forehead, laughing shrilly, then gradually turning into a helpless wail.
The pain that had been suppressed all night could no longer be concealed.
In the side room, Huai Niang and her family listened to the wailing coming from the bedroom, hugged each other tightly, and sobbed.
After an unknown amount of time, the bedroom finally fell into a deathly silence.
Guo Jia leaned against the edge of the couch, looking up at the cold roof beams. In a daze, he returned to the age of five, hiding his small body under his parents' coffins in the old house in Yangdi.
After a lifetime of struggle and wandering, he was left all alone again.
He braced himself against the floor, stiffly stood up, and without glancing at the person on the couch, staggered out of the bedroom, across the deserted courtyard, and toward the wine cellar in the corner.
He remembered that Deng Jie had once asked Bian Shi for a jar of Jiu Yun Chun wine in order to get him drunk, and tried every means to coax him to drink it all.
How naive she was! That little bit of alcohol was no match for her. In the end, she was completely fooled by herself.
Even now, Guo Jia himself doesn't know how much wine it takes to get him completely drunk. Why not test him today?
He moved all the wine jars he could find in the cellar back to his bedroom, initially using cups to catch them.
"Today you can witness just how much Jia can drink. Let me show you what I look like when I'm drunk."
After drinking two cups, he felt it was too slow, so he simply picked up the jar and drank it straight from his mouth.
After downing two jars in a row, I wasn't drunk at all; instead, I felt like vomiting from being forced to drink so much.
"Not enough, not enough..." he murmured, his eyes red, glancing back at Deng Jie. "How can I remember you so clearly now?"
Looking at the diluted blood on the ground, he recalled that at the Deng residence, he had been caught by Deng Jie for drinking alcohol and coughing up blood because his lungs had been damaged by the poisonous smoke.
"Why can't you resist your cravings?" That's what the girl scolded him for.
But when he looked at her with a timid expression, she immediately softened and said, "It's my fault, I shouldn't have said that to you."
"Say it's good...say it's good..."
He sighed heavily, clutching the wine jar, looking at her calm profile. He was filled with regret for his harsh words last night. He took her hand and warmed it against his face, saying, "It was my fault. I shouldn't have said those things to you. Can you talk to me again...?"
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