Chapter 36 Chapter 36
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But recently I have been feeling guilty and unable to sleep
We can't escape this situation.
Do you know that I really want to go back to the day when I loved you the most?
——AGA/Ghost Style "3AM"
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Wen Ying lay on the soft bed in the hotel for a long time, unable to sleep, caught in an uncontrollable tug-of-war between conflicts.
She didn't believe that Shen Li loved her at first, but now she can't convince herself that Shen Li doesn't love her.
The word "love" made Wen Ying feel inexplicably timid.
Does she deserve love, can she love, does she understand love?
When people suffer from insomnia, they often think of distant things. Wen Ying suddenly thought of Adonis's poetry collection.
Its cover and title page were stained with the rain and fog of early winter, and like Wen Ying's heart, stiff wrinkles gradually appeared on them. Then they were casually stuffed into a dark corner, never to see the light of day again.
At 2:30 in the morning, Wen Ying suddenly wanted to take a gamble.
She is a staunch materialist who regards laws as creeds. For the first time in her life, she wants to entrust her future to a gamble instead of controlling it herself.
Although the feeling of losing control of herself was not pleasant, she was obsessed with wanting to give it a try.
Wen Ying turned on her phone and sent a WeChat message to Chen Li: "I gave you a book on your birthday that year. Do you remember?"
After pressing the send button, Wen Ying hurriedly turned off the screen.
Her heart was beating like a drum, and she set the winning and losing conditions for this gamble - if Chen Li still remembered the book, as long as he remembered, then she would return to this relationship. Otherwise, they could only say that they were not destined to be together.
Chen Li's reply was much faster than Wen Ying had expected. She had originally thought that he would be speeding on the highway back to Min City. If he wanted to reply, he would have to wait until he reached the service area.
Unexpectedly, Shen Li replied almost immediately: "I remember, My Loneliness is a Garden, it's a very beautiful collection of poems."
Wen Ying was surprised: "You actually remember it, or even seen it?"
Chen Li was puzzled: "Why do you think I don't remember?"
"Because since I gave you that collection of poems, I have never seen it in your study again."
The other party's status has been showing that they are typing, but no new messages have come in for a long time.
Wen Ying bit her lower lip, feeling uneasy, not knowing what kind of answer Shen Li would give her.
After a long while, Chen Li sent a long new message: "Wen Ying, if you're willing to look carefully, you'll find that book. I've always kept it in the first drawer of my bedside table. My parents and I share the study at home, so I couldn't bear to put it on the bookshelf. I was afraid it would get dirty, messy, or damaged. It's been sitting there on the first drawer of my bedside table, safe and sound for many years."
Before Wen Ying finished reading, Chen Li sent another message: "That collection of poems contains your thoughts, as well as mine. Wen Ying, I actually fell in love with you much earlier than you think. Likewise, the extent of my love for you is far greater than you can imagine. I never intended for our marriage to end in failure."
Wen Ying's finger hovered over the phone screen, and after a while she typed out the following line of words: "Aren't you driving? How did you reply so quickly?"
Chen Li said, "I'm in the underground parking lot. Wen Ying, I'm not willing to let this end with you."
Something seemed to have broken out of his chest. Wen Ying followed his body's instinctive reaction, emptied his mind, and tied up all those bad guys called "rationality" and "calmness" and threw them into a corner where no one cared.
Relying solely on instinct, she quickly put on her coat, not even having time to change out of her slippers before dashing into the silent elevator at midnight.
Wen Ying walked out of the elevator of the underground parking lot but suddenly stopped - she didn't know where Shen Li's car was parked, and she forgot to bring her cell phone.
Almost instantly, the lights of the black SUV across the street lit up, and Shen Li got out of the driver's seat.
The bright light from the car headlights shone on him from behind, casting his tall and straight figure on the dim ground.
The figure was getting closer and closer, and Wen Ying's heart was shaking violently uncontrollably.
He walked over to Wen Ying with a coat in his hand and put it on her. He looked down and saw the slippers on her feet and sighed softly: "You still have a stomachache, why are you rushing down here in such a hurry?"
Without her high heels, Wen Ying had to look up to meet Shen Li's eyes. Her eyes shone brightly in the dim light. "I have something I want to tell you in person, but I'm afraid you'll leave."
"I won't leave," he looked down at her, "or rather, as long as you need me, I'll be back right away even if I leave."
"But you have to go to work tomorrow," she said. "It's already late at night. If you don't leave now, it will be too late."
Chen Li tightened the collar around her neck, his tone cold and melancholic, "I'm taking a gamble, a gamble on whether you'd still want to see me. Wen Ying, before you sent me the WeChat message, I was thinking, if you leave me alone tonight, I don't think I'll have the courage to continue this one-man show."
Wen Ying looked into his beautiful and deep eyes for a long time without saying a word.
Is this a tacit understanding?
Should she be glad?
Yes, Wen Ying thought she should feel fortunate.
For the first time, the materialist believed in something as illusory as "divine will." Perhaps the fate between her and Shen Li hadn't really reached its end.
She told Chen Li about the bet she had set for herself, curled her lips, and smiled helplessly: "They say 'love is destined', and now I believe it."
Chen Li shook his head. "You don't believe in 'God's will', but you've finally accepted the fact that you love me, and you've finally accepted the fact that I love you too." He paused. "Tell me what you want to say to me."
It was clearly she who said she had something to say, but when it came to this moment, Wen Ying was unable to speak.
Shen Li didn't urge her, but just looked down at her quietly.
After a long moment, Wen Ying lowered her head and let out a breath, revealing the weakness she had tried so hard to hide to Shen Li: "Realizing that you had concealed something was just the fuse. It was this fuse that blew up the corner that I had been deliberately ignoring, forcing me to face the biggest problem in our relationship. In fact, there is only one reason why I want to break up with you... I blindly entered into this relationship, and then I realized that I actually didn't understand what love was, nor did I know how to love."
"Chen Li, I'm out of control. I've completely lost control of myself. This feeling is terrible, something I've never felt before. It makes me feel terrified and panicked." She raised her head, a look of sadness on her pale face. "I'm not trying to escape from you. I just want to escape this feeling that makes me feel helpless."
He hugged Wen Ying and whispered a sigh into her ear—a sigh that finally put his worries to rest: "I'm glad you can tell me this. Wen Ying, it's not too late. We still have time."
She snuggled into Shen Li's arms: "I hope you don't think I'm hopeless yet."
"I think I'm almost hopeless," he said, his lips trembling slightly as he pressed them against Wen Ying's ear. "I feel so sad when I think about us breaking up. I'm so sad that I can't even drive. I have to park here."
Wen Ying said, "If I didn't look for you, if I didn't come down, would you sit here like you did in the past two years, waiting until dawn, and then drive back to work?"
"I've been waiting for you," he said.
Wen Ying felt a surge of guilt in her heart: "Chen Li, you traveled back and forth for eight hours overnight just to see me from afar. Was it worth it?"
"It's worth it, of course it's worth it. I don't regret it for a single second. It was in the past, it is now, and it will be in the future." He bent down to kiss the fluffy hair on Wen Ying's temples. "Wen Ying, let's take it slow this time, okay?"
Wen Ying nestled in Shen Li's arms, silent for a long moment. She tightened her arms, hugging Shen Li's waist even tighter. After a long moment, she murmured, "You don't have to be so slow, actually."
"What?" Shen Li only heard the vague outline of this sentence.
Her face flushed and she changed her words: "Chen Li, my feet are so cold."
Chen Li chuckled, picked her up horizontally, and strode into the warm hotel.
The light in the elevator was soft. Wen Ying glanced at the surveillance camera in the corner and felt a little embarrassed. She poked Chen Li's shoulder and said, "There are surveillance cameras here. You'd better put me down."
Chen Li stared at the constantly changing floor display screen: "I know there are surveillance cameras." He pursed his lips, his expression serious, but the words he said made Wen Ying blush, "Otherwise I would have kissed you a long time ago."
As expected, he finally understood the vague words.
Wen Ying was ashamed and angry, and slapped Shen Li's shoulders hard several times.
"You have to go to work tomorrow," Wen Ying said, trying to help Shen Li regain his composure. She counted on her fingers and waved them in front of his eyes. "It takes four hours from here to Min City, and it's only five hours until tomorrow morning's start time. Shen Li, you should go."
The elevator arrived at the floor where Wen Ying's room was. Shen Li carried Wen Ying out of the elevator and said, "I'm taking a leave of absence."
?
Wen Ying's eyes widened. "So, your not going back home late at night isn't just a self-torture tactic, but it means you really don't need to rush back to work?"
Shen Li chuckled softly, and Wen Ying could hear the smugness in his voice.
He easily took out the room card from Wen Ying's coat pocket: "Wen Ying, I never said tonight that I had to rush back to work tomorrow morning."
She was angry and laughed: "You did it on purpose."
Shen Li swiped his card and walked in, looking somewhat innocent: "You didn't ask me."
"You are shameless for deliberately taking advantage of my guilt."
"You have to feel guilty towards me first before I can use you." He kicked the door shut. Before the lights were even on, he was already kissing her closely. "Also, Wen Ying, I told you I don't need to save face in front of you."
Wen Ying had absolutely no power to resist, or rather, she didn't actually want to resist.
She had lived alone in Jiangcheng for three years before and had never felt lonely. But this time, after only a week of cold war, Wen Ying had to admit that she missed Chen Li very much.
Love may come from habit.
When a person gets used to the presence of another person, they will feel the anxiety and longing after separation. This anxiety and longing will ripple back and forth in the chest, becoming more and more intense over time, and finally becoming an inseparable part of the body.
Shen Li's kiss was so intense that it made Wen Ying dizzy. She could only passively endure Shen Li's passion. Finally, Shen Li gradually relaxed and Wen Ying breathed in fresh air.
He placed Wen Ying on the bed, pulled her into his arms, and gently kissed her eyes: "Time is the container of love, Wen Ying. We have a lot of time to slowly experience the taste of love."
Wen Ying felt dizzy from his kiss and followed his movements to take off her coat.
Wen Ying felt a surge of heat all over her body, thinking Shen Li was going to touch her even more deeply. But Shen Li reached out and pulled the quilt over her, wrapping her tightly like a dumpling. He patted her back through the quilt and said, "Go to sleep. It's almost dawn."
"Hmm?" She was still immersed in the passionate kiss and her mind was not very clear.
Chen Li pulled her into his arms again, resting his chin on her forehead: "Go to sleep, Wen Ying, we still have a lot of time."
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