It's not guilt, it's not regret, it's just... I just suddenly remembered the backstage that year.
Seventeen-year-old Lin Zhao first understood what it meant to be "watched."
He squatted backstage removing Yu Ji's makeup, his fingertips still stained with rose-red paint, and heard the scent of jasmine coming from above his head.
"You look so beautiful as Concubine Yu."
Gu Ping'an's fingertips brushed across the tear marks at the corners of his eyes:
"Don't learn from her and risk your life for a man."
This was the first time he was spoken to by the most dazzling girl in the group, but he saw the tips of his ears turning red in the mirror - it turned out that when someone seriously praises you, your heartbeat will make your temples ache.
Later he realized that there were deeper ripples hidden beneath this gaze.
She always sat in the audience when he played Yu Ji, her eyes penetrating his brows and falling on somewhere far away.
Some people said that she was waiting for Fu Hanzhou, the stern-faced officer who never smiled at anyone.
"You look like him from a certain angle."
She whispered as she adjusted his sleeves.
These words were like a key that opened up all the light in his life.
From then on, he began to study Fu Hanzhou's photos, imitating his gun-holding gesture and the arc of his raised eyebrows. He even deliberately made his costume draw the same neat arc as Fu Hanzhou's military coat when turning around when practicing "Farewell My Concubine".
"What's wrong with being his shadow?"
He outlined his eyebrows in front of the makeup mirror, and the oil paint spread a seductive red under his eyes.
"At least her eyes will be on me."
The autumn rain fell continuously. Lin Zhao stood under the sycamore tree outside the detention center, and the rain meandered down along the folds of her costume.
He stroked the silver bracelet on his wrist, the cracks rubbing against his palm, and the familiar feeling suddenly resonated with the summer night two months ago.
Wet reed debris was still stuck to Gu Ping'an's skirt. When she stumbled into Lin Zhao's dormitory, the moonlight was filtering through the window lattice, dyeing the gold thread on her costume a cold white.
Lin Zhao's hand holding the eyebrow pencil suddenly stopped. The mirror showed the purple finger marks on her neck, like a poisonous snake wrapped around a swan's throat.
"Who is it?"
He heard his own hoarse voice.
Gu Ping'an didn't answer, but stumbled into his arms, digging his nails into the flesh of his back.
Lin Zhao smelled the unfamiliar smell of cigarettes and alcohol on her, mixed with a faint fishy and sweet smell - that was a scent that did not belong to her.
He suddenly remembered the way Jin Wenge usually stared at Gu Ping'an, like a vulture staring at rotten meat.
"Don't ask."
Gu Ping'an raised his face, with tears still at the corners of his eyes, but suddenly bit his lower lip.
The moment the smell of blood exploded in his mouth, Lin Zhao felt something collapse in his chest.
He tore open her torn dress and left punishing teeth marks on her collarbone. The sound of tearing fabric mixed with the chirping of cicadas outside the window completely crushed her rationality.
"Does it hurt?"
He asked breathlessly.
"It can't compare to here."
Gu Ping'an grabbed his hand and pressed it against his heart.
Her throat tightened as she recalled Jin Wenge's smirking face after his success.
"Gu Ping'an, aren't you arrogant? Don't you have to be as obedient as a dog now?"
She suddenly laughed out loud, a laugh that was tinged with tears. She reached out and pulled off Lin Zhao's sleeves, wrapping them around her wrists.
"Zhao, do you think I'm dirty?"
Lin Zhao grabbed her hand, digging her nails into her palm:
"No, he's the dirty one."
His voice was terribly low, and his Adam's apple rolled as he swallowed down the surging murderous intent.
"If he dares to touch you, he will have to pay the price. I will cut off his desire and see if he dares to covet you again."
"Zhao, you said that if I wanted the stars, you wouldn't pick the moon..."
She scratched her nails across his chest:
"Now I want him to live a life worse than death, do you dare?"
Lin Zhao turned over and pressed the person down on the dressing table, and the spilled rouge splashed onto the ground like a bloodstain that had not yet dried.
"What are you afraid of?"
Lin Zhao grabbed her by the back of the neck, and the buttons on her costume fell to the ground.
"I will clean every inch of the place he touched."
He bit her earlobe and said in a horribly cold voice:
"Ever since you first smiled at me backstage when you were seventeen, I've been going crazy."
His kiss fell on the scar on her collarbone, and his teeth rolled over the marks that belonged to someone else:
"I want him to know that the price of touching you is going to hell."
Thunder roared outside the window and heavy rain poured down.
Gu Ping'an looked at the overlapping figures in the mirror in the midst of surging passion. The madness burning in Lin Zhao's eyes reminded her of the swaying moonlight in the reed marsh - it turned out that there was someone in the world who was willing to burn the whole world for her.
Lin Zhao walked forward slowly, lifting her sleeves to her chest, as if she could still feel her frantic heartbeat.
This is Ping An's favorite play - "Farewell My Concubine", so he always wears it and never gets tired of it.
At the age of seventeen, he became a lonely man. After his parents died, he took over his father's class and joined the art troupe.
There is a person in the troupe who is sought after by all male actors - Gu Ping'an, who is handsome, comes from a prominent family, and always has a smile on her face.
I heard that she likes someone named Fu Hanzhou.
He thought, how outstanding must the person she likes be! ?
She rejected everyone's confession just to wait for that man.
He never expressed his feelings because of his inferiority complex. His mother died early and his father was frail, so they gave him very little love.
So, he always hid in the crowd and watched her quietly.
Some people say that he looks too feminine, and that he looks even less like a man when he plays Concubine Yu all day long.
He was angry and fought, but no one supported him. The role he longed to play was a martial artist, mighty, resolute and heroic.
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