Dreams on a Spring Night (V)
"Bang!" The firecrackers went off.
The crowd began to move and stories began to unfold.
"Do you think we're doing the right thing?"
The bride and groom sat side by side on the bed, and a flame lit two cigarettes.
"What's the point of saying this now?"
"It's really strange. I just want to say it, and it feels like saying it is the right thing to do. What will happen next?"
"Freer than before?"
He Yu suddenly stood up and jumped. The wedding dress affected her steps. "No, it felt even tighter. I couldn't even run."
He Yu sat back on the bed, lowered his head, smoking and laughing. Yun Cen watched from the side and thought of Qi Ci.
After a while, he heard He Yu say, "What have I done?"
"Go to sleep. You've been tired all day. It's time to have a good rest. We can think about those things later."
"Is your partner here?"
"There's no need. He doesn't want to come."
"She doesn't want to either."
"I really don't know." Yun Cen lay on the bed, looking at the white ceiling. Even the lights were white. "I thought the lights would be more festive... We clearly agreed on that."
He Yu shuddered and sat up straight, "I doubt she will leave me."
"Go to sleep. When you wake up tomorrow, you will jump up, jump without restraint, run, greet the wind of freedom, and feel the same tiredness as before, but it will no longer be a tiredness in your heart. You will still be you, and I will still be me. We can make it through this."
Later, the parents of both sides would attack them unexpectedly from time to time, leaving the couple exhausted. In this unpredictable situation, they also had to deal with Yun Cen's mother who wanted to move in with them. Even their free time was filled with the danger of a time bomb.
"I've had enough. Why do I always have to give your gift to Mom? Why do you always ask me to tell Mom about you? Why do you want me to tell Mom about you? Why do you want me to give it to Mom? Don't you have a mouth? Don't you have hands? Didn't you tell Mom that you're not normal a long time ago? Why are you trying to hide it now? Isn't it just about going home? What's so difficult about that? Just go and give it to Mom yourself."
"Who's abnormal? You're the only one." Compared to Lu Jinfeng's irritability, Li Xuanyue was much calmer. "I can't go home. Even if I want to, I can't go home."
"Why! Don't you have a brain? Can't you take a bus, especially a bus going home?"
"That would destroy me."
“What are you destroying? I think you are a psychopath. How old are you? You are almost 35. Why are you still like this? If I destroy you, then do you want to destroy me? Am I not your brother? Do you have to put me in the middle?”
"You're used to it, aren't you?"
"Get used to it, what the hell? Screw you, why do you treat me like this? Why do you let me be the messenger?"
"My cowardice prevents me from facing my mother. Your cowardice reassures me. I know you will always give in when facing my mother and be able to talk about those things."
"Damn it, Li Xuanyue, do you have any brains at all? Screw your cowardice. I just didn't want to make my mother sad."
“There is no difference.”
"Okay, then I am a coward. So what if I am a coward? You treat me like this. Back then, you locked me in the room for a month and I didn't tell you..."
"Don't bring up the past. You already agreed to it. It's nothing. It's actually a very simple matter. What's the point of arguing now? You will do it in the end. You know I won't go to Lu Yusi, let alone Dad. Mom will ask me about me again."
"How could you..."
"Don't you want to chat with your mother? I'm just giving you a chance."
“This is not what I want.”
After both sides calmed down for a while, Li Xuanyue brought up another matter in a reproachful tone, "Lu Jinfeng, don't get so caught up in every scene you're filming. Why do you need to get caught up in this character's attitude towards love? Can you have some self-control and stop being so sentimental? Do you think everyone likes you? Does Bai Shunan like you? Even if you get caught up in it, the direction you're taking this time is problematic. I don't know if you're deliberately messing things up. When you're asked to love, you're always one step short, and when you're asked not to love, you're too full of love. You should keep some distance from Bai Shunan..."
Lu Jinfeng's heart was filled with alarm bells, and he felt nervous about being exposed to something he didn't want to find out. He was immediately furious and embarrassed. He was eager to interrupt and hurriedly laughed, "It was you who asked us to have more contact in the first place."
"I didn't expect it to develop into what it is now. You and Bai Shunan..." Li Xuanyue calmed down a little. She looked at Lu Jinfeng, "I know I'm weird. I can't stand you being gay."
"What qualifications do you have to say that? I saw you and your girlfriend kissing in front of me when I was a teenager."
"Your opposition has never been of any use to me. Even if we are on opposite sides of the family, we will not take sides."
Lu Jinfeng tried to calm his anger, but as his doubts grew, he felt a faint desire to retreat. "Why do you think so?"
"It's simple. Family members are different. What did you think when you found out I was gay?"
“…”
"You wouldn't have thought of my bravery and honesty, the years of ideological struggle before I came out, the controversy I faced after coming out, or the different kinds of looks I faced in my life. You would have felt disgusted, that I was corrupted by those ideas, that I was stupid, that I was following the crowd, that I was sick, and even after all these years I couldn't make you understand. Before I achieved anything, you were even ashamed to mention me in front of outsiders, and even after I achieved success, you didn't want to mention me."
"Li Xuanyue, I'm not your mother."
"Of course I know you're not her. I don't want to face her. She obviously loves me so much... After all these years, do you really think I didn't notice? It's too obvious. She doesn't want a daughter like this, and you don't want a sister like this. I know you don't want me to be here when others come to your house. And when no one is around, you blame me."
She sat back in her chair and sighed softly, "You want me to go back, you want me to face the disregard and deliberate resentment, so that you can vent your anger. You constantly find ways to subtly find opportunities in daily life to say those deliberate words. You want me to face the hatred you've accumulated in my heart for years... You think I'm wrong, you think I'm selfish, why do you think I don't hate?"
"What are you talking about? Solve your own problems. Don't throw them to me... And mom won't care much about me in this matter."
"You've started again, talking about lack of love again."
"Mom will forgive you. I'm telling the truth."
“Why do I need forgiveness?”
"You need to forgive Mom, too."
Li Xuanyue laughed sarcastically: "Do you really want me to go back? You just can't understand why my mother still cares about me even though I'm like this."
"I understand. That's the only thing I understand."
"You go."
"Li Xuanyue, you are so stubborn, just like mom."
"Get lost." Li Xuanyue grabbed something from the table and threw it over. She was struggling with her emotions, especially in front of Lu Jinfeng, which made her feel embarrassed. After calming down, she thought about many things and thought about Ah Hua. She thought that if Ah Hua saw this scene, she might take it as inspiration. Li Xuanyue smiled. She used to be always by her side. The deep frustration of the failed relationship came back and flowed away in tears. When it rained, the rain on the window condensed into droplets large enough to fall, flowing down quickly, and then slowly at the end. She was digesting this slowness as quickly as possible.
Lu Jinfeng opened the door and walked out. He saw Bai Shunan, sleeping in the corner. He recalled a similar scene from last year. At this moment, he realized that he couldn't be with him. It wasn't that he thought Bai Shunan would leave him. He could have clung to Bai Shunan and lived like this for the rest of his life. He realized that the defenses in his heart had never been lowered.
That night, he thought he was confused, he was afraid that he was wrong, he was afraid that he was confused about love.
Lu Jinfeng slowly walked to Bai Shunan. He looked at Bai Shunan's thin body, then looked at the suit jacket hanging on his arm. He thought for a long time. Finally, he just sat next to him, not too close, and did not make any touching movements.
In the end, he just looked at him, letting everything remain a mystery. He thought that Bai Shunan had tortured him badly, but he never thought that Bai Shunan might also be tortured badly by him.
If, if he told him, I am happy because of you... do you want me? You won't. He knew he didn't want to, and he wanted to push him away when he took the initiative to kiss him for the first time.
He wondered what would have happened if they had been friends before, would it have been better, or worse.
Lu Jinfeng leaned lightly against the wall. He tilted his head to look at Bai Shunan again, only to see a profile covered in shadow, his head lowered and leaning against another wall, his hair hanging down, a few strands dangling over his ears. Looking at him like this, he couldn't see him clearly.
He wanted to see more clearly. Lu Jinfeng's eyes fell on the hands of the two men. The scar on his middle finger was covered by a silver ring, while there was nothing on Bai Shunan's hand.
Just hang it on your knees.
He couldn't even remember what it felt like the last time he touched his hand. Just like their conversation, just like they didn't hug that night, there was always something missing.
Not long after, Li Xuanyue walked out of the room. She had a new inspiration and discussed with the lighting technician how to adjust the lights.
The light, halfway through adjustment, flickered with a cold, indifferent glow. Li Xuanyue followed the light, peering around, her gaze pausing at a corner. Two shadows swayed on the wall, and she saw a jewel-like crystal. Lu Jinfeng's eyelashes watered, tears about to fall. His gaze was inexplicably dark, the tears lingering, gleaming with a cold splendor.
"Let you, who are holding me so clearly, part with me in my dreams..."
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