Hesitant Dream
The dusk reflected in the house. Lu Jinfeng lay on his side beside Bai Shunan. Tears flashed in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to cry but smiled faintly. The active thoughts in his mind accompanied by a damp mood. His smile became warmer, almost burying his loneliness. "So at that time, Shunan loved me."
One night, a strong wind blew and it was raining. The rain poured down recklessly. The branches outside the window swayed, and everything melted into the mist and rain through the window, just like a familiar dream lingering in childhood. As the coldness on his body grew deeper, Lu Jinfeng always felt that the rain had penetrated through the many obstacles and fell on him.
He recalled many things he hadn't forgotten, including the car accident he'd narrowly escaped. Looking at the people who had come to visit, he wondered for the first time if they'd wished he'd died in the accident. He always thought of Bai Shunan at that moment, but the Bai Shunan in his memory was like a fleeting scene, always dissolving in the mist of memory. He couldn't see it clearly, couldn't see it again.
Lu Jinfeng looked at Bai Shunan in front of him. He was clearly right beside him, and everything was clear, yet why was it still as blurry as a fog? He placed his hand on Bai Shunan's neck, gently stroking the throbbing spot, and once again felt at ease, awakening the throbbing urge to kiss his cheek. He gently stepped forward, kissed his cheek, and then leaned weakly on Bai Shunan's shoulder. He tilted his head and buried his face in the pillow, his mind gathering again and again, "So all this is so unfamiliar."
"I often wonder, if it wasn't me you saw that day, would you still like me? I dare not ask you. Many times, it was obviously you who was confessing, but why did I always seem so overwhelmed, which made me always afraid and let the misunderstanding continue. I need you, but I'm pushing you away. I don't want to be like this. I can feel that you like me and love me. I know it, but I'm worried, I've always been worried." Lu Jinfeng suppressed the sobs in his throat, tried his best to control the weak crying in his voice, and said in a gentle voice many words that he dared not say, words that he dared not ask, "Wake up soon, you don't want to miss me who is dressed so beautifully, do you? Don't you like me because I am good-looking? Look at me, Shunan, I really want you to see me. I knew you so early, and I was with you so late. Please, wake up soon, okay."
Lu Jinfeng always remembered that day, Shunan's birthday, and the day they met again. He finally saw him again. He no longer had to rely on memories to lead him back to the classroom where the air was filled with dust. He no longer had to rely on the hidden hatred that had been entangled with anger and fear for many years to find the nightmare that had entered his dreams. Before he could reconcile with all this, when he was still crying in the night because he could hardly remember what he looked like, he appeared in front of him. At this moment, life flowed like water, flowing towards the future, no matter what was waiting ahead.
"Shun'an, I'm here." Lu Jinfeng stayed like this for a long time. He closed his eyes and moved closer to Bai Shun'an, leaning on him, hiding in this hug that was not tight but intimate enough. "I miss you."
The car drove forward, speeding up, and the surrounding trees were blurred. It swayed and passed, and he drove into a tunnel. Lu Jinfeng drove forward as usual. In the tunnel, no matter how chaotic his mind was, he always had a premonition that light would come. He looked ahead, and without knowing when, he had arrived at the place farthest away from his memory, hiding a blankness.
…
Zhan Song had always loved mountain climbing. The process was tiring, but reaching the top made him forget everything. He was obsessed with the feeling and became obsessed with it, making many friends along the way. On the day he went to the hospital to look for Lu Jinfeng, he ran into one of his friends who also loved climbing. He didn't recognize him at first, and when he did, he was surprised that he would be the first to greet him.
After all, that person not only loves climbing snow-capped mountains, but also has a cold temperament. Zhan Song and him had only met once and were not very close. Zhan Song was very outgoing and had a bit of an occupational disease. He chatted with him enthusiastically for a while. The other party probably thought that he was going to visit someone who was very important to him, so he gave Zhan Song a glass ball, saying that it was a souvenir that could bring good luck and could be given to the person visiting.
Zhan Song wanted to refuse, but as soon as he got the glass ball, the man left and disappeared around the corner.
At night, the man came to the hospital again. He usually visited late at night. He walked forward skillfully. After so many nights here, he often wanted to go into the ward and talk to the person on the bed, but as usual, he always saw the man named Lu Jinfeng sitting beside the bed, or falling asleep beside it, or whispering something.
He is always there.
He always stood outside the ward and watched. This day, like usual, he came to visit again, but still did not go in. He set his sights on the glass ball, and then looked at Shunan on the hospital bed through the small window. What was different from usual was that Bai Shunan's eyes were full of soft light as he gently looked at Lu Jinfeng who was sleeping beside him, with a side of him that Bai Shunnian had never seen before. He stood there and watched for a long time without thinking about anything. A tear that was almost invisible in the dark slid down his cheek. He placed his hand lightly on the window, feeling the coolness of the glass, the winter cold that he was familiar with. In the hesitant dream of the snow-capped mountain glass, there is an existence that needs to be confirmed - "Shunan, are you happy now?"
He turned and silently left, heading outside. He looked up at the sky. It was a full moon night, the wind blowing gently, and the warmth he longed to rekindle was also cooled by the cold wind of deep winter. Bai Shunnian stared calmly ahead. The full moon was so bright, yet so cold. The mist in front of him was constantly exhaling frost, and everything was chilled. He walked slowly along the road, never stopping. The flickering shadows of the trees moved around him without warmth. He leaned against him, tired and curious, asking him what his new home would be like.
The road was too long, so far away that it seemed impossible to reach. It was also like some kind of magic that made it impossible to stop. Listening to the train's whistle, he once again boarded the departing train, remembering the question his friend had asked him, to which he still couldn't answer: "Do you know him?"
He always leaves in a hurry.
The sun was so bright, so bright that it was blinding. He thought for a moment, unsure how to respond. His mother's eyes followed them tenderly, "No matter what, everything will be fine."
He listened to his mother's words and patted him as he was about to fall asleep. "No matter what happens, don't forget, I am by your side."
The glasses case is placed on the table.
It's late at night.
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