Chapter 97 "If only you were my child."...
Ninety-seven:
Mu Shaoyan looked at the door in front of him.
“No,” he said, “I have no complaints whatsoever.”
“But I sense you’re not satisfied.” Mu Feng leaned back in his chair, his tone calm. “Do you think you’ve done anything of value this past year?”
Is there anything I can say about you?
Mu Shaoyan: ...
"No," Mu Shaoyan said in a deep voice.
"Turn around." Mu Feng's tone softened.
Mu Shaoyan turned around, but did not look at him.
He looked at the floor beneath his feet, at his toes, at his slippers, yet it seemed as if he saw nothing at all; he was simply unable to face his father.
“There is still one more thing.” Mu Feng placed his hand on the table and sat down.
He said, "The only thing you did this year that surprised me, impressed me, pleased me, and deserved praise was that you were willing to study hard for Xiaoxi."
"You have developed a sense of responsibility, you have developed a sense of responsibility towards him, which I did not expect, and it makes me very happy."
"Mu Shaoyan, you surprise me in this respect, and I'm very happy."
Mu Shaoyan looked up, his eyes filled with surprise.
Mu Feng looked at him, a hint of tenderness in his eyes.
He softened his tone, a rare occurrence, and asked, "How do you feel about your year?"
Mu Shaoyan looked at him, unsure how to respond.
How are you doing?
It doesn't seem that great.
Every time he calmed down, every time he finished a fight, he felt empty and lost, as if he couldn't see the way forward.
But the way back seems unnecessary.
Their family is different from others.
Other people only create a new account after ruining their main account.
But their main account has always been excellent, so excellent that he simply cannot reach it.
His elder brother was like a mountain, which Mu Shaoyan had looked up to since childhood. He could not get over him, nor did he feel that he had any right to get over him.
His older brother is truly intelligent. He has been praised as a genius since childhood. He is also hardworking, spending the whole year either learning knowledge from books or learning knowledge outside of books.
Mu Shaoyan admired him and trusted him, but sometimes he would be ungrateful and annoyed with him.
His presence made his efforts and talent seem insignificant, and his brother's concern for the father made his real father less attentive to him.
But he was also very clear that Mu Zheng loved him.
If it weren't for his love for him, he wouldn't have needed to do so much.
Therefore, Mu Shaoyan did not want to be annoyed by him. Instead, he transferred this annoyance to himself, becoming annoyed with himself for not being as smart as Mu Zheng, and for not being as hardworking as Mu Zheng from a young age.
The Mu family only has one Mu Zheng. After Mu Zheng, none of the others were enough to satisfy his father.
Mu Shaoyan couldn't find a reason to turn back from his misguided ways, and he felt that even if he returned to school, it would be meaningless.
He is still not good enough, his father still won't attend his parent-teacher conferences, and he still won't be happy for his progress.
His family doesn't rely on him to change their lives. His father and brother have already reached their current positions, so it seems that whether he is good or bad doesn't matter. It has no impact. Nobody needs his good but not outstanding grades.
Mu Shaoyan once thought that his father would be furious because of his delinquency and would try every means to get him back to school.
But no, his father was indeed very angry about it and did scold him, but that was all.
After the outburst subsided, he acted as if he had forgotten about it, never bothering to pay attention to him again, let alone urging him to study hard.
None of the things he had anticipated—being locked up, having his allowance cut off, or having his legs broken for skipping class—happened.
His father would still allow his brother to give him pocket money, still allow him to freely enter and leave the house and school, and still treat him with the same attitude as before, with almost no change.
Mu Shaoyan didn't understand.
He couldn't understand why other parents would be so furious, even threatening, "If you don't study hard, don't acknowledge me as your father," while his father acted as if nothing had happened.
As Mu Shaoyan listened to Li Shuai complaining about his father, about how his father had beaten him so badly that he almost broke the stick in the house, he felt a void in his heart.
He heard Li Shuai ask him, "Brother Yan, did your dad hit you?"
"No," Mu Shaoyan said.
Li Shuai and the others said enviously, "Brother Yan, your dad is really great."
Yeah?
Mu Shaoyan, however, disagreed.
No normal father would act like this.
How could they treat their son skipping class as if he were just going out for a meal?
The only explanation is that he never had high hopes for him. He was unimportant, the Mu family didn't need his less-than-stellar talent, and neither did his father.
They only need his older brother, so it doesn't matter what he does or what he's like.
Mu Shaoyan continued walking forward along the black path.
Those feelings of confusion, rebellion, resentment, and longing for recognition and need were amplified and stretched infinitely during his seventeen-year-old adolescence, until Ye Qingxi appeared.
"Were you very disappointed in me this year?" Mu Shaoyan asked his father.
He finally dared to look him in the eye, to look into his eyes, and to look back on the past year.
He wanted to know how Mu Feng viewed him, and how he viewed his meaningless year.
"No," Mu Feng said.
Mu Shaoyan felt pain in that instant.
No? !
He actually said no?!
Why didn't he?!
How could he not have one!
"Why not?" Mu Shaoyan didn't understand. "Why aren't you disappointed? Is it because you've never had any hope for me?!"
Mu Feng hadn't expected him to think that way.
He denied it, saying, "Of course not."
"Then why?!" Mu Shaoyan looked at him, unable to understand.
If he hadn't lost hope, and if his excellence wasn't so important, why didn't he use harsh methods to forcefully steer him back onto the right path?
That's clearly the kind of person he is!
He clearly has the ability to use such an iron fist, so why doesn't he?!
“Because there’s no need,” Mu Feng replied.
"Sixteen or seventeen is the age of youthful rebellion. Mu Shaoyan, I was young once too. I've been through that age. When I was your age, I was just like you. I didn't think studying was important, and I didn't think life had any meaning. So I wasted my time and squandered my youth. I won't deny my past self, so I can understand. Although I don't support you, I can accept you as you are now."
Mu Feng gave an answer that Mu Shaoyan had never considered.
He said, "The reason I met Xiaoxi's grandfather is because I was just like you back then. I didn't study hard and only liked to be fierce and aggressive. So your grandfather sent me to the remote county where Xiaoxi's hometown is located, a godforsaken place. There, I met the young Xiaoxi's grandfather, and from him I understood the importance of studying. I also saw how superior my life was."
"So in my plan, you should go there when school starts this year, to experience a world you've never been to before, and to understand the importance of knowledge. But since Xiaoxi came to our house, your older brother said that if you're not there now, when you come back, you'll be the only one at home who isn't familiar with Xiaoxi, which isn't good for either of you. He's right, so I've decided to let you go there after you finish your college entrance exam."
"But I didn't expect that Xiaoxi's arrival would influence you, change you, and help you grow. So, even after the college entrance exam, you don't need to go there anymore, because you've grown up, you know responsibility, and you will naturally strive for the people you need to be responsible for. You will become better and grow into a capable and responsible person."
Mu Shaoyan listened quietly, incredulous.
He wanted to say something, but he couldn't say anything.
He simply looked at the person in front of him, at his dignified and aloof father.
He believes he will grow into a capable and responsible person.
Would he really think of him like that?
Mu Feng certainly would.
He gazed at his young, immature child, trying to teach him some simple truths that the child was not yet aware of, but should be aware of.
“You ask me why I’m not disappointed? Because I have no reason to be disappointed,” he said calmly. “Because I’m still alive, I’m your father, and I will always be there for you.”
“One year, two years, three years, it doesn’t matter. I have money and power, I can afford to spend it. I’ve been your age, I know you have your own ideas at this age, and what your parents say is useless, so I won’t persuade you. I’ll let you do as you please. I’ll give you a year to be reckless and squander it at will, and then I plan to make you down-to-earth, know your shame and then be brave. I’ll give you time, and I can afford to give you time.”
"But Mu Shaoyan, have you ever thought about what will happen when you have children in the future? If they are like you, will you be able to give them the same amount of time?"
"You skip classes and are good for nothing, yet you can still stay in your current class and easily turn back if you want to. But have you ever thought about it? Have you ever thought about other people like you? Can they do it? If not, why can't they? Is it because they are worse than you in some way?"
“No.” Mu Feng shook his head and said, “They can’t, simply because they don’t have the surname Mu, because they weren’t born into the Mu family, and they’re not my sons. So they have to follow the established path and keep pace with most people at their age, because they can’t make a mistake, and they dare not make a mistake. If they take one wrong step, their lives will be completely different.”
"But you're different. Mu Shaoyan, you're my son, Mu Feng's son. That means you have countless opportunities to make mistakes. You can squander your life to a certain extent. As long as I live, I'll cover for you. Even if I die, your brother won't abandon you. But I can't live forever. One day I'll die. What will you do then? What will happen to your children?"
"Don't wait until I'm dead and powerless to regret it and feel that I've wasted my time."
"Don't let your child feel that his father is inferior to his uncle. Otherwise, he will lose respect for his father and then hate his own mediocrity and incompetence."
"Don't wait until one day your child does the same thing you are doing now, and you are furious because you can't bear the consequences of his one wrong step, you hate him and blame him, and when he wants to turn back, you don't give him the right to turn back."
“You are a father, a wife’s support, and a child’s reliance. If you are incapable, your wife and children will suffer because of you. You love Xiaoxi and are willing to take on your responsibilities as an elder for him, so you will definitely love your wife and children as well. So don’t wait until then to regret your lack of accomplishment.”
"Ability isn't something you gain just by winning a fight. It comes from brains and knowledge. Mu Shaoyan, you're eighteen now. You should start thinking about your future. Consider whether you're qualified to bring happiness to your next generation, and whether you can treat your children the way I treat you today."
"As your father, I have a clear conscience. I gave you everything I could. I made sure you lived a glamorous and beautiful life, and everyone addressed you respectfully as Young Master Mu or Miss Mu. But what about you? Can you do that?"
Mu Feng said, "I hope you can."
Mu Shaoyan didn't know how he left Mu Feng's study.
He seemed both very clear-headed and very confused.
My head felt both dizzy and unusually clear.
He sat at his desk, staring at the wall in front of him. After a long while, he quietly and slowly shifted his gaze, looking around his study and the room outside.
He thought of Duan Yi.
I thought of Duan Yi's desk, where three people sat, making it feel cramped.
I thought of his cramped room and the clothes that could fill his wardrobe.
He was indeed lucky.
From childhood to adulthood, he knew nothing of poverty. Whatever he wanted, he would get it on the same day without having to wait until the next day.
When he was a child, his parents gave him pocket money. Later, his mother passed away, and his older brother started giving him pocket money along with his father. Then, his second brother entered the entertainment industry, and his red envelopes never stopped coming.
He lived in a very happy family.
His parents were loving, his siblings were harmonious, and even Mu Shaoting, who, like him, had never worked and had been pampered since childhood, would ask him if he really had no money and if he needed her help when he complained about being poor.
He has never experienced hardship, so he has time to wallow in self-pity. He feels awkward, sad, confused, and rebellious because his father doesn't attend his parent-teacher conferences or shows no joy in his progress.
But……
Mu Shaoyan remembered what Mu Zheng had told him before. He said that his father was sixty years old, not in his twenties, thirties, or forties. Although he didn't look very old, he was still that age, and as his children, they shouldn't make him suffer anymore.
He said it, and he did it.
Therefore, he took the initiative to attend his and Mu Shaoting's parent-teacher meetings in place of his father, and took the initiative to take care of his younger siblings.
At this moment, Mu Shaoyan felt extremely ashamed.
His older brother had long known to help lighten his father's burden, but he was still childishly resentful, thinking that his father looked down on him.
How could he possibly have the nerve?
How could he do this?
Mu Shaoyan felt an indescribable, profound, and powerless regret.
He regretted his youthful ignorance, regretted adding new burdens to his father and brothers, and regretted wasting a year only to be filled with regret.
Mu Shaoyan lowered his head, his eyes stinging with pain.
Ye Qingxi pushed the door open and came in at that moment.
He saw Mu Shaoyan return to his room, only a side profile, but he didn't seem happy.
Ye Qingxi didn't understand why he wasn't happy.
Did the two not have a good conversation?
Was it true that he shouldn't have let Mu Feng praise Mu Shaoyan, or that he shouldn't have let the father and son be alone together?
Ye Qingxi was worried and felt guilty, so he asked Aunt Zhang for a bowl of sweet fermented rice balls and took it to Mu Shaoyan's room, hoping to visit him and comfort him.
"Uncle," Ye Qingxi called out.
Mu Shaoyan quickly composed himself and asked him, "What's wrong?"
Ye Qingxi's hands were small, and he held a bowl of sweet and tempting fermented rice balls, which were not much bigger than his hands.
He placed the bowl on Mu Shaoyan's desk with a smile, "Uncle, you eat. I just ate some. Auntie's cooking is so delicious."
"Okay," Mu Shaoyan replied.
He moved the bowl in front of him, picked up the spoon, and ate in silence.
Ye Qingxi looked at him.
"Uncle, did you have a fight with Grandpa?" he asked.
Mu Shaoyan stopped scooping the small glutinous rice balls and looked up at him.
Ye Qingxi's eyes were clear and bright, with distinct black and white. He said, "You look unhappy."
Mu Shaoyan: ...
Mu Shaoyan shook his head. "No, I didn't argue with your grandfather."
"So that's what Grandpa was talking about?" Ye Qingxi asked, leaning on the desk.
"Uncle, I'm sorry," he said. "I wish I hadn't taken you to see Grandpa."
Hearing his words, Mu Shaoyan's heart softened completely.
He remembered what his father had told him: "Those words were what Xiaoxi wanted me to say, not what I wanted to say. Xiaoxi felt that your progress was hard-won and that you needed praise, so he asked me to praise you. I refused, but he cried. He cried so pitifully. You know, I didn't bring him back to make him feel wronged, so I agreed."
"You have a good nephew."
He did indeed have a good nephew, and he couldn't even understand what he had done to deserve such a good nephew.
When he was confused, we forcibly pulled him out of it.
When he didn't want to go back to school, they found all sorts of ways to keep him there.
Without him, he would still be skipping classes and fighting, not knowing where to go tomorrow, yet stubbornly refusing to turn back.
It was Ye Qingxi who gave him a reason to turn back. It was Ye Qingxi who stayed by his side, allowing him to deceive himself by saying that he didn't want to go back to school, but he had no choice. Thus, following Ye Qingxi's guidance, he returned to the classroom and to the life trajectory that he should have had.
He gave him a way out, and then kept paving new steps for him, so that he could climb down one step at a time, and so he really did return to the path he came from.
This was the most special time in Mu Shaoyan's life.
In this world, there are parents, friends, lovers, and children who accompany a person through adolescence, through the confusing, restless, rebellious, and gloomy moments of life, but he is different.
The person who accompanied him through the most turbulent moment of his life was none other than a child who had no blood relation to him.
He struggled to pull him up with his small, tender hands, constantly warming him with his own body heat.
He pushed him, guided him, and shone upon him, finally turning his predicament into a smooth road.
Finally, he stopped being so annoyed with himself and so confused.
Mu Shaoyan looked at him, a thousand words stuck in his throat.
His tears fell silently and without warning.
Ye Qingxi was startled; he had never seen Mu Shaoyan cry before!
He quickly reached out his little hand to wipe away Mu Shaoyan's tears.
"Don't cry," Ye Qingxi coaxed him. "Uncle, don't cry. What did Grandpa say to you? Don't listen to him."
Mu Shaoyan shook his head, "It has nothing to do with your grandfather."
"Then why are you crying?"
Mu Shaoyan wiped away his tears and smiled, "I choked on the little dumpling."
Ye Qingxi: ...You're just taking advantage of the fact that my body age is five years old to keep lying to me!
Mu Shaoyan looked at him, pulled him into his arms, and gently kissed him.
"Thank you for taking me to see your grandfather," he said, "thank you for wanting him to praise me."
Ye Qingxi blinked, puzzled, and asked, "Did Grandpa really scold you after I left?"
Mu Shaoyan shook his head.
"Then you're not happy?"
"I'm unhappy because I was very naive and shouldn't have been. I didn't realize it before, but I have now, so I'm very unhappy with my past self."
Oh, I see.
Ye Qingxi comforted him, saying, "It's alright, Uncle."
He said, "That's all in the past. You're doing great now."
In an instant, Mu Shaoyan's eyes welled up with tears again.
He wanted to say that it was because of you.
Because of you, I have everything I have now.
That's how everything got back on track.
He wanted to say so much, but in the end he said nothing.
He simply hugged the child in his arms tightly, holding him close.
"I wish you were my child."
Mu Shaoyan had said this many times before, but he always said it with a bit of a joke. Of course he knew that Ye Qingxi was not, and he also felt that it would be good for his second brother to be his father.
But now, Mu Shaoyan is truly sincere.
He met Ye Qingxi during his darkest and most helpless moment. They walked together through this long and lonely road. He held Ye Qingxi's hand, her small hand soft and tender. As a result, Mu Shaoyan felt that he could no longer love other children beyond her.
If he is destined to have a child in this life, why can't it be Ye Qingxi?
No child will ever make him so soft-hearted again.
No child will ever share this most formative period of his life with him.
No child will ever be as special to him as Ye Qingxi.
How could he possibly love any other child more than him?
Mu Shaoyan felt that he did seem different from before.
At the very beginning, he heard Ye Qingxi say, "I entrust my future to you."
He felt terrified and thought he couldn't bear it.
But now, he genuinely and sincerely wants to take responsibility for his future.
He is willing to take responsibility for his future.
For his sake, I will continuously improve myself.
Then, let him have a life where he can do whatever he wants and be fearless.
Even if Ye Qingxi does something he can't understand one day, he won't be disappointed. Instead, he will give him the freedom and time to try and make mistakes, and he will support and pay for his life until he leaves this world.
Eighteen-year-old Mu Shaoyan understood what it meant to be a father because of Ye Qingxi, and also learned how to be a good father.
But Ye Qingxi already had his own father, a father who loved him and was willing to support him throughout his life.
Thus, Mu Shaoyan was saddened but helpless.
If only he were his father.
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